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Original poster

Advice on teen child pushing to spend the night with boyfriend

61 replies

WheresMyAlex · 17/08/2022 13:13

Hello all,
I’m really looking for advice here, and how other people have handled this situation.
My 16 year old daughter, school leaver, has repeatedly started asking to spend the night with her 16 yo boyfriend, both here and at his home. His mother has no problem with this.
My DH & I are both in agreement that we are absolutely not comfortable with this, and it has been a firm no every time. DD obviously thinks we are being super unfair and we are finding it difficult to articulate our reasoning. Are we being unreasonable? Any advice? Thank you

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OldTinHat · 18/08/2022 12:48

DS1 met his gf at 16. They're mid 20s now and have lived together since they turned 18. They've been in a relationship longer than either of my marriages lasted!

I didn't agree with sleepovers at that age, neither did her parents. But we gauged it by their maturity, started to allow it and I'm so proud of both of them.

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:11

OldTinHat · 18/08/2022 12:48

DS1 met his gf at 16. They're mid 20s now and have lived together since they turned 18. They've been in a relationship longer than either of my marriages lasted!

I didn't agree with sleepovers at that age, neither did her parents. But we gauged it by their maturity, started to allow it and I'm so proud of both of them.

I wonder how they will feel mid 50s/early 60s having played house for their entire youth and young adult life with no experience of freedom or fun that is such a unique highlight of teen/adulthood stage in life.

I would be utterly heartbroken for my dc if they gave up their adventures, personal development and freedom to get bogged down so soon.

JacquelineCarlyle · 19/08/2022 03:55

Me too @Festoonlights

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Suzi888 · 19/08/2022 04:08

Not in my house. Not a cats chance in hell. I’d take her for a chat with the doctor and ensure she’s on the pill and let her sleep at the boyfriends house.

savehannah · 19/08/2022 22:15

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:11

I wonder how they will feel mid 50s/early 60s having played house for their entire youth and young adult life with no experience of freedom or fun that is such a unique highlight of teen/adulthood stage in life.

I would be utterly heartbroken for my dc if they gave up their adventures, personal development and freedom to get bogged down so soon.

Show quote history

Some people do meet their forever partner at that age and have no regrets! I met mine when I was 16 and we have been married over 20 years. just because you feel somebody has missed out on something doesn't mean they feel the same. I feel relieved I never dealt with all the shit that loads of people go through with dating. I had plenty of fun in my teen/ young adulthood, both with my partner and with friends.

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/08/2022 02:28

Hopefully it stays that way for you @savehannah. My parents met and married as teenagers and then divorced after over 35 years together- was horrendous and totally came down to my dad feeling like he'd missed out on the excitement of his youth and wanted to enjoy that before he was truly old!

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/08/2022 02:32

Sorry, I meant it was horrendous as my mum didn't see it coming and was happily living her life fully expecting to have a comfortable retirement and grow old with him, when he ditched her for a younger model (literally looked like my mum did 20 years earlier). She's been left up shit creek having to work well last retirement age as she gave up work to look after me and my sister and was then left with nothing in her retirement pot.

I totally accept I'm jaded by it but do feel sorry for those who settle down in their teenage years as there's a whole lot of life to live before anyone gets saddled with adult responsibilities.

Christmascaroll · 20/08/2022 02:36

user1474315215 · 17/08/2022 13:24

You can refuse to let him stay over but that won't stop them having sex if they're determined to do it

If they want to have sex then surely it's better that it is done safely and with protection than outside or in secret

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 20/08/2022 02:48

I’d actually much rather my DD had sneaky sex on a pile of coats at a party (protected of course) than introduce a random 16 year old son in law to my breakfast table, family events and general life.

While I agree with this I don't think it's an either/or situation. A middle ground could be (for example) that they come home from the party together to sleep. Back to their own lives and families once they're up and about.

Sounds like your family life might be a bit more structured than mine though, my two late teens have part time jobs and are in and out at all hours, we're rarely all free for a family event and there's been no breakfast table for years, if they don't work they're asleep all day!

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 20/08/2022 02:51

Apologies, that first para should have been bolded!

Orangeblossomfield · 20/08/2022 05:09

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 12:37

You are doing exactly the right thing op. As a mother to similar age teens and a child that got heavily involved in a relationship at 16.

Your dd probably thinks she is old enough for a serious relationship, and probably idolises her boyfriend, but you know better. It’s a 3 month relationship in reality (so barely out of the traps) and at 16 ( or any age) it doesn’t equate to a ‘serious long term’ relationship. It just doesn’t. It wouldn’t for me until she is 18 plus anyway, and we are talking years not weeks or months.

I would approach it carefully. Yes he seems to be a very nice boy but taking your time is essential in new relationships, try to encourage her not to drop her friends and hobbies and remind her she will need these things if it doesn’t work out.
He will not be staying at your house until well into adulthood full stop, but maybe compromise with her staying with him at the weekends so she doesn’t fall behind at school?

I would invite him for dinner, family bbqs and the odd outing and perhaps meet his parents too at a push this Christmas if they are still together.

Encouraging dd to get so emotionally enmeshed is really not healthy at all for her, and whilst acknowledging she is technically old enough for sex, it doesn’t get mean she is emotionally ready. She could quickly find herself out of her depth and she needs you as a solid, dependable anchor to help keep her boundaries in place even if she is unaware she needs them at all, and is being swept off her feet.

Be unfailingly polite and welcoming but distant. Do everything you can to ensure you spend time with her as a family. He may have charmed her but that does not give him the green light to access your home and private family life. DD needs to understand this is the preserve of a committed relationship of many many years, and in time you will gladly enjoy a deepening relationship with him and it will happen naturally as they get older etc.

Don’t be afraid to stick to your values op, she is still a child until she is eighteen and still needs you to parent and guide her fully. Perhaps now more than ever.

Yes

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