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Original poster

AIBU to call them "my boys"?

67 replies

CauliWoes · 14/08/2022 21:46

I don't know if I've posted this in the correct place and I'll try and keep it short.

I have two children, 7 and 3. I met and began a relationship with my current partner when I was halfway through my pregnancy with my youngest, as their biological dad walked out. Biological dad does still see the oldest, but doesn't take out the youngest as I've never been keen for him to do this until my youngest wants to go out with them.

My partner gets very upset if I ever refer to the children as "my boys". He thinks I should always refer to them as "our boys" as his wage mostly pays for us to live. I work around 20+ hours a week and I am the default parent. I get up with them everyday (I haven't had a lie in for 7 years) make their meals, do bedtimes, sort all appointments - you get the idea!

If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask.

I can't work out if I'm being unfair to call them my boys as he gets so upset by it. I don't do it often or purposely, it's just a slip of the tongue.

OP posts:

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/08/2022 21:49

Could you switch to ´the boys’ rather than ´our boys’? Might feel more natural to you.

MrsMitford3 · 14/08/2022 21:51

Hmmm. I am slightly on his side on this one-
I can see from his point of view that it might feel hurtful as he has stepped up to raise boys that are not his and you calling them "my boys" implies to him that they are yours and not his.

Maybe "the boys" would be better for everyone?
When do you say it??

is it "can you watch my boys whilst I go to the supermarket" in which case I totally agree with him.
What is an example of when you say it?
In thinking about it I would never say "my boys" to my husband...

MrsMitford3 · 14/08/2022 21:52

cross post with @Thewheelsfalloffthebus -great minds and all that

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Coffeaddict · 14/08/2022 21:53

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus hit the nail on the head.

When I'm referring to DSS and DS I will say the kids or the boys.

WTF475878237NC · 14/08/2022 21:56

as his wage mostly pays for us to live

^ are you paraphrasing? Does he actually say that his wages pay for them so they are his boys? It doesn't sound like he does any parenting. Does he know their favourite food, song, toy, bedtime story? Any allergies? In what way is he a step parent to them apart from passive aggressive occasional childcare?

They're not his children and he doesn't sound that involved to me so yes I think my boys is just fine.

CharlotteByrde · 14/08/2022 21:57

Maybe you could suggest that you'll say 'our' once he does some decent parenting?

ReeseWitherfork · 14/08/2022 21:57

He thinks I should always refer to them as "our boys" as his wage mostly pays for us to live.
I’m hoping that’s not really the reason. I mean, the youngest is his son isn’t it? I understand how biology works but he’s the one who’s been there the entirety of his life and the only dad he’s ever known. Although he sounds like he could do with stepping up a bit. But then I think that of all dads incapable of looking after their kids, whatever the situation. Seems common that blokes seem to think if they’re covering the finances then that’s all they need to do.

Jobsharenightmare · 14/08/2022 21:58

I'm a stepmum and have been since they were little. Think of it this way, if they were 10 and 14 and he'd known them three years he wouldn't be saying they're our boys would he? By Mumsnet standards you would only have been living together a year.

KangarooKenny · 14/08/2022 21:59

I call my children ‘my’ DD/DS and my DH, their father, doesn’t get upset about it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 22:00

If it bothers him switch to ‘the boys’, as long as it doesn’t bother you

He doesn’t sound like much of a Dad though. If he wants them to be his boys too then he ought to do some parenting. Is he nice to you otherwise?

It might be nice for your youngest to start going out with his Dad now he is three? It probably wouldn’t occur to him to ask.

Does their biological dad also pay towards their upkeep?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 14/08/2022 22:01

My ex always referred to his kids as “my girls” and it irked me, but I could never put my finger on why. I have a mix of boys and girls and would generally refer to them as the kids, so I don’t know if it was the constant gendering of them that annoyed me so much, like I get it, they’re girls but yes also, the MY part felt very territorial somehow, and exclusive of me in a very subtle way. I hadn’t really thought about it until reading this. It’s been interesting to think about why it annoyed me so much!

CuriousCatfish · 14/08/2022 22:05

He sounds like a dick. If he wants them to be 'our boys' he needs to treat them like his boys.

It's not always about the money.

Stoma · 14/08/2022 22:05

Another vote for the boys.

If there's a chore imbalance that's a separate issue, fact is, he's father to the youngest and you live as a family unit. Unless you had shared custody, it sounds strange to say 'my boys' like he's on the outside.

CuriousCatfish · 14/08/2022 22:07

Stoma · 14/08/2022 22:05

Another vote for the boys.

It doesn't sound like he is a parent to them though.

excelledyourself · 14/08/2022 22:10

So he doesn't do much with them or for them, other than contribute financially? No mention of loving them, or even being fond of them. Do you think if you split up that he would want to see them?

Sounds like thinks he owns them simply because he pays a bigger chunk of the bills.

And maybe your boys prefer being 'your boys'.

I find his attitude quite controlling, if it's a simple as you say.

Stoma · 14/08/2022 22:11

That is true. Maybe, op, explain to him it feels like he's not present and they're just your responsibility.

I still think if you're living as a family unit, the children are shared especially since birth.

Hopefully he'll help out a bit more after that.

PinkButtercups · 14/08/2022 22:14

So he contributes finically and that's it?

First of all does the older one want you saying 'our boys' I bet he doesn't call him dad or even look at him like a dad if he is like what you describe.

My DS who's 3 is my baby. I always call him my baby, mummy's boy etc.
DP doesn't care that I say it. As he shouldn't.

PinkButtercups · 14/08/2022 22:14

Financially *

excitingusername · 14/08/2022 22:15

The boys. You live together, he's another father-figure even if not the father. 'My boys' makes him an outsider. If you want him to be more of that, starting to use less possessive language might help. I think you need to determine how you consider him in relation to these children. You're obviously with him so you must have deemed him suitable enough as another man in their lives. He probably sees himself as their step-dad when you clearly don't.

As for looking after them, it doesn't sound like it comes very naturally to him but why would it when you've taken on all of the responsibility. You've kept him at arms length in this regard.

Ithinkwemightgetaholiday · 14/08/2022 22:23

So he wants them to be 'our boys' but looking after them on his own makes him so miserable he takes it out on you?!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 14/08/2022 23:03

Given OP said "If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask," I really don't think it's on her that he's not doing more. He's kept himself at a distance by behaving this way when OP asks for help.

I tend to say the boys when speaking of them. I occasionally say my boys or our boys, but generally it's the boys. I wouldn't like to use 'our boys' when your DP does so little parenting. Often I say 'the boys' if H is around because although they're his DC too, he does very little outside earning a wage. I'm the default parent because if I try to get him to step up he becomes snappy and moody and takes it out on us.I think saying 'the boys'is a good compromise.

Original poster

CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:02

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/08/2022 21:49

Could you switch to ´the boys’ rather than ´our boys’? Might feel more natural to you.

Yes I do tend to say "the boys" I honesty only ever call them "my boys" when it's a slip of the tongue. I think it's happened one too many times though and it's really got to him

OP posts:

LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 07:05

This is a huge red flag. He wants you to pretend they're his children to soothe his ego but any time you ask him to look after them he's nasty to you?

You've only been together a couple of years. He's basically just your boyfriend. Not their stepdad, they're not his boys at all.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/08/2022 07:06

I think the more important thing is never, ever to have a child with your current DP.

35965a · 15/08/2022 07:07

I refer to my dc as ‘mine’ all the time “my girl/boy/babies” and my DH - their father - does the same. If they’re being naughty it’s “your kids” though 😂

Anyway your DP sounds very insecure about it if he’s making an issue of you saying ‘my.’ They are yours 🤷🏼‍♀️

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