AIBU to call them "my boys"?

[CauliWoes]

I don't know if I've posted this in the correct place and I'll try and keep it short.

I have two children, 7 and 3. I met and began a relationship with my current partner when I was halfway through my pregnancy with my youngest, as their biological dad walked out. Biological dad does still see the oldest, but doesn't take out the youngest as I've never been keen for him to do this until my youngest wants to go out with them.

My partner gets very upset if I ever refer to the children as "my boys". He thinks I should always refer to them as "our boys" as his wage mostly pays for us to live. I work around 20+ hours a week and I am the default parent. I get up with them everyday (I haven't had a lie in for 7 years) make their meals, do bedtimes, sort all appointments - you get the idea!

If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask.

I can't work out if I'm being unfair to call them my boys as he gets so upset by it. I don't do it often or purposely, it's just a slip of the tongue.

@LearnedAxolotl I do not blame my oldest son in the slightest. Difficult is perhaps the wrong word. My son can be very defiant and push boundaries. As an adult responsible for his care though I do take responsibility for his behaviour and of course my parenting is 100% at fault. He isn't like this with my partner alone, he behaves this way with myself, family and in school

doesn't take out the youngest as I've never been keen for him to do this until my youngest wants to go out with them.
This is very odd, his father is entitled to a relationship whether you're keen or not.

If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask

I would be referring to him as "my ex-partner" and my boys as "my boys".

We had this conversation yesterday, hence the post. He feels I do not appreciate his financial contribution enough and I'm lazy and selfish. I can be very selfish.
I'm not too sure how to show my appreciation though? I've asked him what he needs but he doesn't know. I just know he's not happy with the balance of things

He's never pushed for a relationship with the youngest. If he asked to take him out, I'd of course say yes. I'm not holding his children away from him. I've left the amount of time he chooses to spend with the boys as his decision. There's nothing more to this than that

How is your youngest ever going to want to go and visit Dad if you never allow it? What the fuck.

Sorry how many men would financially support kids that aren’t there’s?! Not many I’d guess, I don’t get why you’re putting her DP down.

He sees him every time he takes the oldest out, he just doesn't take the youngest out.
The reason I am not keen is because in his words "he doesn't do nappies" and my youngest is still potty training. I would rather prioritise my sons well-being rather than pushing a relationship with the man that fathered him.

Perhaps as i said, because he is living with an emotionally abusive alcoholic who resents looking after him and who punishes their mum every time she plucks up the courage to ask.

You think your son doesn't know how your boyfriend feels about him?

I wouldn't say your parenting is at fault. Your relationship choices may be. I think you need to have a really good look at what your children's home life is really like with this man around. Your boyfriend wants to be thought of as their dad (because he's jealous of their actual dad?) yet he does nothing at all to look after them and barely tolerates them. Don't they deserve better than this?

You have a choice here about sticking around to be his emotional punch bag. Your children don't.

I grew up with a stepdad like your boyfriend. Drinking too much, hated us watching kids tv, didnt like us making noise at all in fact ("you're doing my head in"was a favourite phrase of his) never looked after us and would give my mum the silent treatment for days if she ever asked him to in an emergency. It fucked me up. I am such a people pleaser and i have no self esteem. I've had all sorts of therapy but I'll never be the person i would have been if she had just left him. I used to wish every day that my mum would leave him. She's still with him, treading on eggshells and we barely have a relationship.

This relationship doesn’t sound good, but are you taking advantage of him as you are part-time and expecting him to help finance your children. This wouldn’t normally be expected of a step mum.

Did you introduce him to your eldest child whilst you were still pregnant with your youngest?

@LearnedAxolotl I'm so sorry for your past. My step dad was a similar man and my mum had a lot of mental health issues which eventually got the best of her. I do not want my children having a similar childhood to mine - although I have many happy memories in between the not so good ones.
When I met my current partner he was so different to my ex I wondered how I'd got to lucky, but now he seems very different. I don't want to put all the blame on him as I am also in this relationship and I don't think I have put everything I can into it, that I am capable of. He is a lovely man, and not many men would've taken on him what he has

This is definitely how he sees the situation. That I've taken advantage of him financially

As an outsider he doesn't sound lovely, and he doesn't sound like he's actually taken on your children. He lives with them, sure, but he doesn't do anything for them except pay towards bills, which he has to because he also lives there! He sounds like he barely tolerates them. Obviously you live with him, you know what he's like day in day out but playing with them every now and again for a short while isn't taking them on. His lovely bits aren't lovely if they're countered by him being an arsehole when you ask him for an occasional favour, and calling you selfish and lazy when you do literally everything for your children and work too.

He has a point. Switch to the boys or our boys.

ilyx

Have you read all the posts from the OP? He wants to be referred to as their father. He does no daddying. That's why I'm critical of him!

Quite apart from the situation with your current partner, your approach to restricting your ex's contact with your youngest sounds unreasonable and quite controlling. It's not like this is an exclusively breastfed 3-month-old. A 3-year-old should be able to go out for contact with his father without his mother being present. In many cases a 3-year-old would be having regular overnight contact with the non-resident parent.

I do not restrict access. He's never asked and I've never pushed. If you knew him, as I do personally, you would not be keen for your young child to stay overnight either. My oldest doesn't sleep overnight with him either. We've tried it once, and my son was driven home at 10pm as he couldn't cope. My eldest was 4 at the time and it's never been brought up since. I do not see the point of overnight stays or longer contact if it upsets the children. They know who he is, and when they're ready these things will happen if they'd like it to. All children are different