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Original poster

AIBU to call them "my boys"?

67 replies

CauliWoes · 14/08/2022 21:46

I don't know if I've posted this in the correct place and I'll try and keep it short.

I have two children, 7 and 3. I met and began a relationship with my current partner when I was halfway through my pregnancy with my youngest, as their biological dad walked out. Biological dad does still see the oldest, but doesn't take out the youngest as I've never been keen for him to do this until my youngest wants to go out with them.

My partner gets very upset if I ever refer to the children as "my boys". He thinks I should always refer to them as "our boys" as his wage mostly pays for us to live. I work around 20+ hours a week and I am the default parent. I get up with them everyday (I haven't had a lie in for 7 years) make their meals, do bedtimes, sort all appointments - you get the idea!

If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask.

I can't work out if I'm being unfair to call them my boys as he gets so upset by it. I don't do it often or purposely, it's just a slip of the tongue.

OP posts:
Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:07

WTF475878237NC · 14/08/2022 21:56

as his wage mostly pays for us to live

^ are you paraphrasing? Does he actually say that his wages pay for them so they are his boys? It doesn't sound like he does any parenting. Does he know their favourite food, song, toy, bedtime story? Any allergies? In what way is he a step parent to them apart from passive aggressive occasional childcare?

They're not his children and he doesn't sound that involved to me so yes I think my boys is just fine.

Money is a huge issue. We are a low income family, and there really isn't much left over at the end of the month.
The biological dad contributes £100 per month towards the children. I know in some circumstances I'm lucky for this as my friend in a similar situation gets absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
35965a · 15/08/2022 07:07

LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 07:05

If I have something I want to do without the children, he will look after them, but I have to ask days in advance and he's always frazzled and very stressed and quite unpleasant to me afterwards, so I try not to ask

This is a huge red flag. He wants you to pretend they're his children to soothe his ego but any time you ask him to look after them he's nasty to you?

You've only been together a couple of years. He's basically just your boyfriend. Not their stepdad, they're not his boys at all.

Totally agree ^

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:10

WTF475878237NC · 14/08/2022 21:56

as his wage mostly pays for us to live

^ are you paraphrasing? Does he actually say that his wages pay for them so they are his boys? It doesn't sound like he does any parenting. Does he know their favourite food, song, toy, bedtime story? Any allergies? In what way is he a step parent to them apart from passive aggressive occasional childcare?

They're not his children and he doesn't sound that involved to me so yes I think my boys is just fine.

Sorry pressed send too quickly! He does seem to love the boys and will interact and play with them for a short while so knows their interests. When he gets back from work though, he will go to either neighbours house and will be in and out drinking rather than sitting with us. He says he cannot bear children's tv and it stresses him out

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Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:11

Jobsharenightmare · 14/08/2022 21:58

I'm a stepmum and have been since they were little. Think of it this way, if they were 10 and 14 and he'd known them three years he wouldn't be saying they're our boys would he? By Mumsnet standards you would only have been living together a year.

This is a good point. I guess it would be different if they were much older...

OP posts:
lunar1 · 15/08/2022 07:11

I call our children my boys, DH does the same. It's just a phrase.

Why do you consider saying the same a slip of the tongue? Are you on eggshells around Jim?

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:12

CuriousCatfish · 14/08/2022 22:05

He sounds like a dick. If he wants them to be 'our boys' he needs to treat them like his boys.

It's not always about the money.

I agree. I have said this before

OP posts:
Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:13

excelledyourself · 14/08/2022 22:10

My partner gets very upset if I ever refer to the children as "my boys". He thinks I should always refer to them as "our boys" as his wage mostly pays for us to live. I work around 20+ hours a week and I am the default parent. I get up with them everyday (I haven't had a lie in for 7 years) make their meals, do bedtimes, sort all appointments - you get the idea!

So he doesn't do much with them or for them, other than contribute financially? No mention of loving them, or even being fond of them. Do you think if you split up that he would want to see them?

Sounds like thinks he owns them simply because he pays a bigger chunk of the bills.

And maybe your boys prefer being 'your boys'.

I find his attitude quite controlling, if it's a simple as you say.

I try to sympathise with him as he doesn't have his own biological children and has mentioned to me before that he's very jealous of his brother who does have his own biological children

OP posts:
romdowa · 15/08/2022 07:13

This guy sounds awful. Please get your children away from him. He sounds abusive and like he had an issue with alcohol.

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:17

PinkButtercups · 14/08/2022 22:14

So he contributes finically and that's it?

First of all does the older one want you saying 'our boys' I bet he doesn't call him dad or even look at him like a dad if he is like what you describe.

My DS who's 3 is my baby. I always call him my baby, mummy's boy etc.
DP doesn't care that I say it. As he shouldn't.

My oldest very much doesn't really see him as a dad. Not in a horrible way, as he still sees his own dad, more so that he sees him as something else, maybe like another relative. They do have a bit of a rocky relationship though as my oldest can be quite difficult

OP posts:
LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 07:21

Why are you inflicting this awful man on your children?

They only get one childhood.

GrazingSheep · 15/08/2022 07:22

The more you say about him the worse he sounds.

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:23

excitingusername · 14/08/2022 22:15

The boys. You live together, he's another father-figure even if not the father. 'My boys' makes him an outsider. If you want him to be more of that, starting to use less possessive language might help. I think you need to determine how you consider him in relation to these children. You're obviously with him so you must have deemed him suitable enough as another man in their lives. He probably sees himself as their step-dad when you clearly don't.

As for looking after them, it doesn't sound like it comes very naturally to him but why would it when you've taken on all of the responsibility. You've kept him at arms length in this regard.

I use "my boys" sporadically when I forget myself. It's not intentional as he's said it upsets him, but "our boys" doesn't come naturally to me. I was a single mum off and on throughout most of my oldest sons life due to their dad being an awful partner.
I'm used to doing it all myself and my partner is happy for me to do so. I really can't see him elbowing me aside so he can do bedtime

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 15/08/2022 07:26

Are you even happy in this relationship? It doesn’t sound healthy.

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:27

35965a · 15/08/2022 07:07

I refer to my dc as ‘mine’ all the time “my girl/boy/babies” and my DH - their father - does the same. If they’re being naughty it’s “your kids” though 😂

Anyway your DP sounds very insecure about it if he’s making an issue of you saying ‘my.’ They are yours 🤷🏼‍♀️

He is very insecure. I also think he is suffering with his mental health at the moment due to stress. I have suggested he visit the doctor but he's reluctant to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:36

TwilightSkies · 15/08/2022 07:26

Are you even happy in this relationship? It doesn’t sound healthy.

We have our ups and downs and this, I guess is the down. I do find living with him stressful, but on the whole he is a funny, caring and kind man. As a previous poster said, he has an issue with alcohol. He would never admit this though. I will stress he is never violent towards me or the children. We are all safe

OP posts:
SummerLovin123 · 15/08/2022 07:52

I wonder how often you even need to say "my boys" ?

I would say "my boys" and am married to their dad. It wouldn't bother him. But I honestly wouldn't say it that often.

TwilightSkies · 15/08/2022 07:53

He can be a nice person but a shit partner. Your home should be a safe place where you can relax.
Have you considered whether it would be better for you and your children if the relationship ended?

GettinPiggyWithIt · 15/08/2022 07:59

Have I read this wrong?

I’m sure her ex is the father of both as he met her when she was pregnant with him

LearnedAxolotl · 15/08/2022 08:03

CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 07:36

We have our ups and downs and this, I guess is the down. I do find living with him stressful, but on the whole he is a funny, caring and kind man. As a previous poster said, he has an issue with alcohol. He would never admit this though. I will stress he is never violent towards me or the children. We are all safe

Show quote history

Doesn't have to be punching you to be abusive. Physically safe, maybe. what about emotionally?

If you find living with him stressful, how do you think your kids feel?

They do have a bit of a rocky relationship though as my oldest can be quite difficult

Pretty telling how you blame this on your very small son. Is it easier to blame him for the trouble in their relationship than to face up to the fact that the onus should be on the grown man to make this relationship work? Perhaps this little boy would be less difficult without this man in his home stressing you all out.

Your eldest has been through his parents breaking up, his dad sounds shit, a new baby, and then at the same time, mums new boyfriend (who has an alcohol problem, who resents your children doing something as normal as watching kids tv, and who makes life "stressful") in an incredibly short time. No wonder he's "difficult". He's 7 years old and he's had to cope with all that, and every day he's having to live with an emotionally abusive alcoholic.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant by this man.

WTF475878237NC · 15/08/2022 08:06

Don't understand some of the replies suggesting pandering to this man who does the bare minimum in terms of parenting (just brief playing with them because he can't turn off the TV and take them for a walk in the woods or kick about with a ball) and then goes off drinking. He isn't a good father figure anyway. He wants to be able to say he's got children without doing anything. He's not a step parent he is a man who lives with your children.

Bb16103 · 15/08/2022 08:19

They’re your boys! I don’t think YABU to call them whatever you want, it’s a term of endearment!

DH & his ex though, it was always ‘MAH BOYS’ about their kids in arguments & it feels a bit cringe Peggy Mitchell style. In that case it’s said in a possessive way to assert the AUTHORITAE as the only parent who’s opinion mattered on anything from potty training to haircuts. (Both parents did this, not just mum. If I sound unkind it’s because it was very stressful at the time they are both dramatic demanding spoilt people & I got through it by privately taking the mick out of them both to myself).

It feels a bit ‘live laugh love’ sign when the ‘mum of boys’ tags start up on Facebook but really I can’t see the harm in it.

Do they call him dad? Because if not he’s being especially bonkers.

For · 15/08/2022 08:23

If you’re saying it to others like school / friends, that’s normal, but if you’re saying it to the fathedd re, eg “I’ll bring my boys over” / “my boys were so sweet today” then yes that does sound rude and like you don’t see them as his.

Bb16103 · 15/08/2022 08:25

WTF475878237NC · 15/08/2022 08:06

Don't understand some of the replies suggesting pandering to this man who does the bare minimum in terms of parenting (just brief playing with them because he can't turn off the TV and take them for a walk in the woods or kick about with a ball) and then goes off drinking. He isn't a good father figure anyway. He wants to be able to say he's got children without doing anything. He's not a step parent he is a man who lives with your children.

Absolutely this. Husband has 2 & I do everything that’s expected of a bonus parent plus, but as far as I’m concerned they have a mum who loves them very much already, she’s a fab mum, with respect to her I have never considered myself any kind of ‘mum’ to them, I’m dads wife. It doesn’t diminish the relationship I have with his kids, but I don’t need or want to be seen as any kind of bonus mum. Genuinely astonished at OP’s partner carrying on like this.

Original poster
CauliWoes · 15/08/2022 08:58

GettinPiggyWithIt · 15/08/2022 07:59

Have I read this wrong?

I’m sure her ex is the father of both as he met her when she was pregnant with him

Yes correct. My ex is the biological father of both of the children. I met my current partner when I was pregnant through a mutual friend

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 15/08/2022 09:07

They are your boys not his boys irrespective of the circumstances. However you sound very Dismissive of his contributions. It is your job to pay for the boys and he is the one doing it. Perhaps you need to be more vocal about this appreciation and he will back of with 'our boys'.

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