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Original poster

Advice regarding social services, 12 year old and a mom who won't have her home

71 replies

whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 16:35

Basically without going into massive detail hopefully I am stepmum to a 12 year old girl, been with her dad since she was 3. She has a sibling here who and she comes over every other weekend (if she wants to)
Lately her mum has been struggling with her behaviour, but it's just the typical teenage stuff, not sticking to curfews, being cheeky, pushing boundaries basically.
Long story short her mum is refusing to have her in the house anymore and has kicked her out. She has been staying with her grandparents for a while but before that was sofa surfing at friends houses, didn't want to come over here as we have rules and she doesn't want to stick to them basically.

Social services have rang and said her mum is constantly asking them to home her elsewhere, she doesn't want her in her house. They have said because there is no abuse it's not a simple as that they can't just remove her. We have said we will have her to live with us full time but she doesn't want too, she wants to stay where she lives with all her friends. Also she lives about an hour away so it would require a school move.

My question is, what would happen if her mum won't have her back in the house, her grandparent won't have her long term but she is still refusing to come and live with us ?

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Soontobe60 · 04/08/2022 16:37

Why isn't her father stepping up and insisting she lives with him? She’s 12, she has NO choice!

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 16:39

Surely she’ll have to come to yours. She’s got two parents, if one has kicked her out she’ll have to live with the other. Sofa surfing instead of staying at her dad’s is a shocking state of affairs, what does he think of it? How much is he talking to her about all this, or working with her mum to try and jointly get on top of the issues?

TotalRhubarb · 04/08/2022 16:50

How on earth is this child getting to decide she gets to live with friends, instead of her father?

He needs to grow a pair and tell her what’s what. She doesn’t get to decide. She’s 12.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 16:53

She's 12 years old. WTF have her parents been doing (or not doing) that homelessness seems better to her than either of them?

Everyone needs to step up. Family therapy, counselling, parenting classes, read some books. This child is being failed.

Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:07

The social worker has said we can't force her to live with us. And they will not remove a child unless there is abuse, which there isn't. But surely not wanting your child counts as neglectful? Which one then come under abuse ?
We've offered her countless times to live with us, she simply doesn't want too because she knows she'd have rules out in place. That's why I was asking what can be done about this ? We want her with us !!

OP posts:
Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:09

Btw, my husband has been to court many many times for cao and has raised the fact she's been alienated from us from a young age. Her mother lied and lied and pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and my husband was treated like the bad guy. All we've ever tried to do is have contact. Her mother would use her as a weapon and has done since she was tiny.

OP posts:
Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:10

She has refused mediation many times. They've both had to attend parenting classes etc, before people jump on and say her dad hasn't done nothing it's simply not true.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 19:18

she is still refusing to come and live with us ?
Don't be such a wet lettuce, she's 12; her parents say where she lives.
Social Services will not intervene if her Dad tells her she's moving in with you.

WeeOrcadian · 04/08/2022 19:30

I'm all for giving kids choices, but that's ridiculous. Your DH needs to start acting like an actual parent and not a Disney dad.

MolliciousIntent · 04/08/2022 19:35

Well, she doesn't have any other options. She can't stay with her mum, she can't stay with her grandparents and there is no way she can keep sofa surfing. She has to go and live with her dad.

Is there any way you could relocate so she doesn't have to leave her school and friends?

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2022 19:39

WeeOrcadian · 04/08/2022 19:30

I'm all for giving kids choices, but that's ridiculous. Your DH needs to start acting like an actual parent and not a Disney dad.

What do you and the other people on here criticising suggest OP and her H do in practical terms?
I doubt they can physically make her move in with them or keep her there

Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 19:43

Hoppinggreen · 04/08/2022 19:39

What do you and the other people on here criticising suggest OP and her H do in practical terms?
I doubt they can physically make her move in with them or keep her there

Show quote history

We've offered her countless times to live with us
Well, they can stop bloody "offering" for a start. The child seems surrounded by wet lettuces who think she's in charge, hardly surprising she thinks this too.

Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:54

I don't appreciate being insulted, I came on here for advice, not to be spoken to like shit.
We cannot drag her here by her hair, social services have said as much, she cannot be forced. We want her to want to live with us, but atm she can't see what's in her best interests !!

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Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 19:55

You get in touch with all her friends parents and say ‘please don’t allow Emma to sleep over at yours until further notice, she isn’t allowed to sleep out at the moment.’ Then you go and collect her and let her know she needs to come home as you’ve let her friends parents know she can’t sleep over. Of course social services won’t remove her just because she doesn’t fancy living with her dad.

Minimalme · 04/08/2022 20:01

I would ask social services to tell her that, since she cannot stay with friends, grandparents or her Mum, she has to move in permanently with you.

She is only 12 - if you don't get her back under your roof soon she will end up in all sorts of shit. She is very vulnerable.

If she refuses I would tell the Grandparent that you are coming to pick her up and making sure she got in the car.

Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 20:02

whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:54

I don't appreciate being insulted, I came on here for advice, not to be spoken to like shit.
We cannot drag her here by her hair, social services have said as much, she cannot be forced. We want her to want to live with us, but atm she can't see what's in her best interests !!

Social Services have agreed that if this 12 year old girl doesn't want to live with her parents she doesn't have to and the parents can't force her?
I'm sorry, I just don't believe this.

Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 20:03

@Kanaloa I've tried to get her friends parents details off her mum before and she has refused to give them over for some reason.
Her mum seems happy to let her stay at friends houses probably because it means she don't have to deal with her.
Social services have said she isn't being abused, it's a case of mum and daughter not getting on, and that they have to try counselling etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 20:04

@Johnnysgirl that is what was said on the phone this afternoon.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 20:05

whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 20:03

@Kanaloa I've tried to get her friends parents details off her mum before and she has refused to give them over for some reason.
Her mum seems happy to let her stay at friends houses probably because it means she don't have to deal with her.
Social services have said she isn't being abused, it's a case of mum and daughter not getting on, and that they have to try counselling etc.

Ok well then if you have no idea who these friends are, and you know her mother has kicked her out, then your 12 year old (who you have sole responsibility for) is missing every night. If she is out and you don’t know who with then her father has to contact the police, tell them ‘my daughter who I am the sole carer for, is missing, I don’t know where she is staying all night and I have no details for anyone she may be with.’

Otherwise if you have no idea who these friends are or any details of them she could literally be anywhere all night every night. She is 12 years old.

IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2022 20:11

I assume foster care.

People have to be realistic here. All the "she has to"s and "make her"s in the world won't change the fact that if a 12 year old insists they will not live with you then they are not going to just go oh ok I guess that's it then if you shove them in the car, drive them home, throw them over your shoulder and give them a fireman's lift to their room. When you force them into the house, what are you going to do to keep them there? Chain them to a radiator?

At 12 they can escape out the house or bunk off school and take off unless you lock them up or handcuff yourself to them 24/7.

They will take off. You'll report them to the police. The police will find them, drag them back, leave and the child will take off again. And again. And again.

It really is not as simple as "you're the adult, they have to do what you say".

You don't give up on them but you have to be realistic and to understand what's going to be happening.

Creameggs223 · 04/08/2022 20:14

Why has her dad not drove the hour drive to speak to his child face to face, God knows what she is getting up to as for he can't force her yes he can she is a child. I force my child to go to school everyday why because I do what's best for my child in the long run and dad should be doing the same or do we all just let our kids make the rules now?

BananaSpanner · 04/08/2022 20:15

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 20:05

Ok well then if you have no idea who these friends are, and you know her mother has kicked her out, then your 12 year old (who you have sole responsibility for) is missing every night. If she is out and you don’t know who with then her father has to contact the police, tell them ‘my daughter who I am the sole carer for, is missing, I don’t know where she is staying all night and I have no details for anyone she may be with.’

Otherwise if you have no idea who these friends are or any details of them she could literally be anywhere all night every night. She is 12 years old.

Show quote history

This is rubbish, don’t do this. Her mother, who has PR knows where she is and has given permission. It’s for the family and Social Care to sort out.

Lindy2 · 04/08/2022 20:15

didn't want to come over here as we have rules and she doesn't want to stick to them basically.

This line stood out to me. It sounds very much like she has pushed mum to breaking point. Her mum has looked after her for 12 years but now is struggling.

It's time for her dad to step up. Social Services won't help. They are worse than useless even when a child is at risk. If there's no one about to be harmed there's not a chance in he'll of any support from them.

Her dad needs to help out but asserting authority. It's easier to do if you are only a part time carer and can position yourself on the outside of day to day life.

She comes to you. She follows your rules. If a new school is needed, so be it. You sort out her September place.End of.

In time the break may enable her to rebuild her relationship with her mother.

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 20:16

BananaSpanner · 04/08/2022 20:15

This is rubbish, don’t do this. Her mother, who has PR knows where she is and has given permission. It’s for the family and Social Care to sort out.

Show quote history

Okay, so the mother is refusing to care for e child, the father (who is now full time carer) has no clue where she is all night every night, and it’s ‘rubbish’ to think it might be an idea to alert the police that they’ve not got a clue where a young girl is each night?

SolasAnla · 04/08/2022 20:20

whathappensinthis · 04/08/2022 19:54

I don't appreciate being insulted, I came on here for advice, not to be spoken to like shit.
We cannot drag her here by her hair, social services have said as much, she cannot be forced. We want her to want to live with us, but atm she can't see what's in her best interests !!

Why can her dad not force her to come home with him?

Her mother has told SS that she is no longer welcome to live with her so her dad needs to take over.

Do you really think that a Judge is going to agree that a 12 year old is old enough to to decide where she should live?

Her dad tells her she lives with him now and that if she is not at home by the agreed time the police (and S will get a missing persons call. I don't understand how the SS can sign off an a 12 year old being allowed to be voluntary homeless and put at risk.

I would suggest that your husband ask the police for their runaway policy as they have an obligation to work with SS to manage this type of behaviour.