Advice regarding social services, 12 year old and a mom who won't have her home

[whathappensinthis]

Basically without going into massive detail hopefully I am stepmum to a 12 year old girl, been with her dad since she was 3. She has a sibling here who and she comes over every other weekend (if she wants to)
Lately her mum has been struggling with her behaviour, but it's just the typical teenage stuff, not sticking to curfews, being cheeky, pushing boundaries basically.
Long story short her mum is refusing to have her in the house anymore and has kicked her out. She has been staying with her grandparents for a while but before that was sofa surfing at friends houses, didn't want to come over here as we have rules and she doesn't want to stick to them basically.

Social services have rang and said her mum is constantly asking them to home her elsewhere, she doesn't want her in her house. They have said because there is no abuse it's not a simple as that they can't just remove her. We have said we will have her to live with us full time but she doesn't want too, she wants to stay where she lives with all her friends. Also she lives about an hour away so it would require a school move.

My question is, what would happen if her mum won't have her back in the house, her grandparent won't have her long term but she is still refusing to come and live with us ?

Indeed . The mum has not given permission for her to stay with friends, she's refused to have her in the house. Same end result, but very different scenario.
And Dad just fannying about in the background "offering" to have her in his house and accepting a No?
Jesus...

Yes…as her mother knows where she is and has given permission. She is not missing.

She is effectively homeless, though. At 12.

No she hasn’t. The mother has kicked her out of her home and is refusing responsibility for her - she has not ‘given permission’ she doesn’t want to be involved. So the father (the only parent of this child who accepts responsibility for this child) has no clue where she is or who she is with overnight.

I thought I'd misread and she was 17 or 18.

Sofa surfing? At 12? Both her mum and your oh should be utterly disgusted with themselves.

She lives with her mother or father. That's it. If she won't live with her mother or her mother won't have her, there's one option only and she needs to stay with you.

If that was my child I'd go and pick up all her stuff and take it home. Then I'd go and find her and would take her home and if it needed to be done with her literally kicking and screaming then so fucking be it.

She comes to live with you.

If she refuses then it's another relative, residential care or foster carers.

Actually her mum has given her permission for her to stay with her friends, because she has told us so ! When we've asked for the friends parents details so we can call around and find out where she is we've been told our involvement isn't needed, that she is aware of where she's staying. She cba to deal with her and is happy for her to stay out at her friends houses.

We can try the tough approach and say whether she likes it or not she will be coming to live with us but another poster was bang on with their prediction of her running away, she has and will do this.

The OP says this:

Her mum seems happy to let her stay at friends houses probably because it means she don't have to deal with her.

OP also says that mum knows where she is but doesn’t want to give details. I’m not advocating what mother is doing, I’m saying that child is not a missing person. The person who has PR for her (and yes she still has that) knows where she is and has allowed it. Child is not missing!

So her mum hasn’t kicked her out? Or she has but says she doesn’t want the child’s father involved? So the mother is saying ‘you can’t live with me, go sleep out at people’s houses?’ If so I’d make it clear to the social workers that this little girl has no home, is not being allowed to live with her mother, and is being encouraged to sleep on people’s sofa unsupervised by any parent or guardian daily. As I’m sure you’re aware, this puts her massively at risk if she has no parent caring for her day-to-day.

@BananaSpanner thank you for seeing it for how it is. Her mum knows full well where she is, she isn't missing at all, she just isn't wanted at home

Actually her mum has given her permission for her to stay with her friends, because she has told us so !
This is just nonsense. Who would allow a 12 yo friend of their child to move in on a permanent basis?

OP also says that mum knows where she is but doesn’t want to give details. I’m not advocating what mother is doing, I’m saying that child is not a missing person. The person who has PR for her (and yes she still has that) knows where she is and has allowed it. Child is not missing!

Rubbish. You don't take a neglectful parents word for it that a child is fine when they've all but disowned her.

Have you had recent contact with her op? Have SS seen her, do they know her whereabouts right now?

Because if not, to be frank she could be buried in her mums back garden couldn't she?

Ok well if I was her father in this case I’d make it a priority to contact social services as much as humanely possible and reiterate that his little girl has been kicked out of her home by her mother, who no longer wants to care for her, and is sleeping somewhere that he (the parent who does want to care for her) does not know. So literally ‘my daughter was kicked out by her mother, mother is refusing to care for her. I don’t know where she is sleeping or staying daily - I have no access to where my daughter is, and I know her mother is not caring for her.’ Reiterate every time that you are worried for her safety as you can’t access her and know that she is not being cared for by any parent or guardian.

Your OH needs to go back to SS and get a copy of the file/ any and all report's. He hires a solicitor and goes back to court and if the SS has recorded that Mum wants to give up the child he asks the judge to rule that Dad gets full custody.

Once that is done he takes responsibility for his child and works with SS to manage the running away and make her follow his house rules.

Sorry, haven't read all of the replies but from a social work perspective I wouldn't be expecting a 'quick win'. I think the situation and your step-daughter needs planned social work intervention wihlth the aim of her being in a place where everyone feels that she is safe and secure. For me that plan would look like lots and lots of direct work with her to understand her suggestions about solutions and time to explore if they are possible and if not why not. Then looking at comparing the possible solutions and her real reasons behind not agreeing with them. Let's face it, at any age it is really hard to hear 'your mum doesn't want you to live with her', so she needs to lots of time to talk about her actual feelings and thoughts, rather than the barriers she's probably putting up now to put a brave face on that rejection.

@Kanaloa she has kicked her out yes, we think she doesn't want her living with us full time for some reason. But it will have to be full time as we live so far away and cannot physically get her to and from school everyday.
The social worker has been made aware of what she's like and what's been said, she also said herself she was a nightmare to talk to and can't believe she is pestering them to regime her child

And realistically she is still missing as far as you’re concerned, isn’t she? Her mother (who is refusing to care for her) may know where she is, but you (the only parents who will accept responsibility for her) do not know where she is and cannot access her. So her mother needs to communicate where she is as the parent caring for her needs to know this information.

You don't know the start of it what this woman is like ! It might sound like nonsense but it's not

What has happened to this poor 12 year old that at her very young age she’s already in such difficult circumstances?

No we know exactly where she is, she is safe and well with a family member on our side atm. I didn't want to give to much detail as it's outing

Sorry I'm struggling to keep up with all the comments

Right, so you know where she is! So she isn’t sleeping out at random friends’ houses you don’t know the addresses or contact information of. So in that case she’s staying with a relative of your husband at the moment, and he could easily visit her there and talk through everything with her.

You must have led an incredibly sheltered life. Is OP meant to tether her to the bed?

It is not true that social services will only step in if there is abuse

So is this family member willing to have her live with them permanently?

If not, discussions need to be had now.