Advice regarding social services, 12 year old and a mom who won't have her home

[whathappensinthis]

Basically without going into massive detail hopefully I am stepmum to a 12 year old girl, been with her dad since she was 3. She has a sibling here who and she comes over every other weekend (if she wants to)
Lately her mum has been struggling with her behaviour, but it's just the typical teenage stuff, not sticking to curfews, being cheeky, pushing boundaries basically.
Long story short her mum is refusing to have her in the house anymore and has kicked her out. She has been staying with her grandparents for a while but before that was sofa surfing at friends houses, didn't want to come over here as we have rules and she doesn't want to stick to them basically.

Social services have rang and said her mum is constantly asking them to home her elsewhere, she doesn't want her in her house. They have said because there is no abuse it's not a simple as that they can't just remove her. We have said we will have her to live with us full time but she doesn't want too, she wants to stay where she lives with all her friends. Also she lives about an hour away so it would require a school move.

My question is, what would happen if her mum won't have her back in the house, her grandparent won't have her long term but she is still refusing to come and live with us ?

I’m not impressed with Childrens Services though. Child may not be missing but it’s still far from ideal. Does she even have an allocated social worker? What are they actively doing?

This I agree with.

I’m not impressed with Childrens Services though. Child may not be missing but it’s still far from ideal. Does she even have an allocated social worker? What are they actively doing?

Social services are not fit for purpose. They seem good at reflecting after the event. I can’t imagine there is anything they can do anyway?

If the mum won't even cooperate to let you know who she is staying with/where she is then it honestly sounds like she really doesn't give a shit about her daughter. Even in the midst of terrible behaviour, surely most parents want to find a solution that will give some relief / help such as, in this instance, living with the dad, especially as mum doesn't want her.

Honestly, I'm not surprised the girl is acting the way she is. Her dad needs to show his Dd that he loves her and actually wants her living with him. Not because he feels he has to.

I can't imagine the type of people / friends who are happy to see a 12 year old girl going from house to house without trying to contact both parents to resolve the issue. Or the police.

This.

It's easy to talk tough on a chat forum but realistically even a 12 year old is going to be a nightmare if they absolutely don't want to stay somewhere. My friend's sister had a stage of doing this when younger. Climbed out bathroom window and jumped down from roof etc.

Has SS done an assessment of the place she is now living? Interviewed these friends?

Have these friends expressed an interest in her staying with them long term? This is just a short term measure surely? Unless they interested in fostering her or becoming her legal guardians? SS still need to make a decision about where she will go long term.

I would make sure your step daughter knows that she will always have a home with you if she needs or wants it. There will be rules, but gently point out that there are rules for everyone at her age. If you force her (which you've said you can't and won't do) then she will resent you and possibly run away. Keep trying and doing what you're doing, also ignore everyone who's calling you a wet lettuce, sadly empathy is somewhat lacking at times. Hugs

@Kanaloa you are determined for some reason to be really rude and so sure my busy and hasn't done fuck all, so you think my husband and myself have not spoken to her a million times ?! Tried to get to the bottom of her behaviour? Told her she has to listen to her mum? Threatened her with losing the things she likes when she's here ? Do you think she has just been left to fend for herself without us ever saying one word ? Seriously ?
The fact is she is a little madam who has been used to having way too much freedom which we never agreed with but being the nrp my husband hasn't had a lot of say for basically all of her life, been told to F off at every opportunity and contact withheld to benefit her mum in some way or another, whether that's because she has a new bf and is playing shoot families or because she wants more money. Then when mum decides she needs help because dsd rules the roost it's all still only on her terms and we have to dance to her tune. It's exhausting !!

She isn't staying with her friends anymore this was before she went to her grandparents

Thank you so much !! It's not nice being jumped on when I've turned here for advice but somehow we're the bad guys

I’m not being rude at all. I was under the impression she was staying out with friends and you had no clue where she was - it now transpires she’s with one of your husband’s relatives. So I presume he’ll be planning to visit and have a difficult conversation with his poor daughter, the ‘little Madame’ who has been kicked out at the age of 12 by her mother and is now left to depend on the father she’s been alienated from. Since he does in fact know where she is if I was him I’d be visiting and laying out that her mother can’t care for her anymore, and giving her the options she has available to her, and discussing them all in detail, plus offering her support from the only parent she’s got left.

And maybe you and your husband could change your frame of mind - being kicked out by your mother at age 12 and having to sofa surf as a little girl isn’t ‘freedom.’ It’s the opposite. It’s a lack of stability that will feel suffocating and frightening. And being forced to admit she has to live with her dad (who you say she’s been alienated from) is like her admitting her mum doesn’t want her.

@Kanaloa sorry but we don't have to change our frame of mind at all. We're the only ones who have offered her stability her whole life while her mother has poisoned her against us. And yes she is a little Madame like most 12 year old girls, like my 13 year old nice is too, that's not an insult it's fact so please don't try and use that against me like I was being horrible, I really wasn't.
She has had way too much freedom, long before any of these issues started.

@Kanaloa We've already spoke and said she needs to be told the truth but it's not a nice conversation to have as you've said

What a stressful situation.

SS work on the basis of risk. If they have made enquiries with the mother and the mother told them child is fine staying with friends. They will record this and this shows no risk. So no involvement needed. But advice given , counselling.

as your husband may not be able to influence her directly owing to alienation then there doesn’t seem like you can do much else

I would stop maintenance though…..

Just been through all this. Ss will say its child's choice. Her dad gave her a choice of parent a or parent b as it was going to be one or the other. Ss told him to invoke his pr and get her at ours ASAP.

Oh and whilst she is wild and a pain in the arse there is a reason why she's the way she is. It's like having a Foster child you need a whole lot of patience and do need to change your outlook. I dig deep everyday but we're getting there.

Issue an application for a CAO "live with" order and ask the Court to order the LA to file a section 37 report. This will force the LA to look at whether they have grounds to issue a Care Order application. I would suggest the LA do have grounds to issue a care order if the child is sofa surfing at 12 as she would be considered as suffering or likely to suffer significant harm (vulnerable child can of course be exploited) Or as the Mother and Father are unable to get her to live with them, she would be considered beyond parental control - also a ground for a Care Order.

Sorry but she's 12. She needs to either go home to her mothers or move in with you and follow reasonable rules. Both parents should have court ordered parenting lessons it sounds like they need them.

Honestly it sounds like she kniwsx neither parent really want her

But the point is her behaviour can’t be separated from her experiences. The behaviours of a child who has been kicked out by their mother at age 12 will be difficult because they’ve been parented poorly. So they act that way because they have no stability or safe place - not because they’re a ‘little Madame.’ She’s sofa surfing at 12 and her mother’s happy with that. If she was reasonable and well-adjusted it would be a miracle.

Go with the police to where she is and being her home maybe?