On holiday with 4yo and it’s awful - is this normal??

[SatelliteFish]

On holiday with 4yo DD and it’s awful.

She’s loving the fun bits, but if she’s not eating ice cream, swimming, bouncing on a bouncy castle etc she’s having a meltdown, mis-behaving or moaning. Won’t eat a single meal nicely, won’t go to bed nicely, won’t do anything nicely unless it’s a fun activity.

Epic (and I mean epic) meltdown today because I wouldn’t buy her a lollipop because her behaviour had been terrible. I said no and explained why & stuck to my guns. I do try to be strict and have some discipline but just feel like a failure.

It’s our first holiday abroad (Europe) due to Covid and DH and I are seriously thinking it will be our last. It’s not enjoyable. I’m looking at flights to leave early.

We’ve looked forward to this holiday for literally years, saved up etc and after this week it’s back to work / grindstone for the next year.

Is this normal? What age do holidays with kids get better??

Please no sarcastic comments. I’m sat here on my hard-earned holiday (first In four years) in tears. If you don’t have any supportive words please kindly pass by this thread.

Oh and DD doesn’t have any additional needs as far as we are aware.

She attends a very good pre-school and they speak very highly of her.

Hmm, at 4 she's still little really. Mine was a massive pain in the arse at that age, however we took him away long haul when he was 4, to my utter amazement he was very well behaved. However, this was only because he had the energy and stamina to keep going all day and night and wasn't affected by overstimulation. It sounds like yours is succumbing to both unfortunately.

She definitely won't always be like this so don't worry about that. Just try and make the best of the holiday

Is the weather really warm? The heat may be making her grumpy

Probably not helpful, and not a stealth boast, but wanted to add some balance to the thread.

We took ds abroad (he’s an only child and is a teen now) from the time he was 1 and he was always fine, and really no problem at all. The occasional overtired griping, but generally absolutely loved it and adapted to the routine no probs.

You say you're 'rural'.

You mean on the holiday? Is there no kids' club or similar? Where are you taking her for the bouncing and swimming?

I'm just trying to understand the lay of the land here. Car? Local facilities?

I'm sure we can help, who have been through it and lived to tell the tale

I wouldn’t try and be strict. She’s totally out of her comfort zone. She doesn’t meltdown at the fun stuff because it’s a distraction, but she’s still working hard taking everything in. She’ll be exhausted.

Don’t try and make her do the things she finds hard at home - it will be even harder for her on holiday. Take it easy. For you as well as her. Do the unusual fun stuff but not constantly. Try and do lower key stuff she likes at home.

For a lot of children, it cheers them up and wears them out and makes them hungry for things like toast.

Not all, obviously. But they're popular with many families for a reason.

I would just stop trying tbh. Doesn't want to eat? Fine she'll eat when she's hungry. Doesn't want to go to bed, put her favourite TV show on your phone/ tablet and let her do what she wants. Stop putting rules up that will cause you all more stress... honestly just stop 'parenting' .
I know probably terrible advise but sod it, you've not long left till, as you say, back to the grind. Worry about getting her back to routine when your home. Just spoil her no matter how much you know you shouldn't!

I went away with mine at 6&8 and can’t remember them being a pain.

is there plenty of entertainment?

It depends on the kids club, but many of them are based in shady, air-conditioned spaces and have familiar toys and activities like play doh and duplo/lego which seem to calm the kids down. It's a bit like nursery/after-school club, only more fun. And the kids often behave a lot better for the staff than their parents. My DC quite liked the routine and being with other children. Hasn't happened to me yet, but the staff will generally call parents if the children aren't settling or are being disruptive.

honestly it's a slog with small children.

at that age we tried to get dc into kids clubs every other day. with family outings the other days.
food rules were on holiday too, ice cream with fruit is not soooo much different than a tub of fruit yoghurt. <shrugs>
as for bedtimes... they are on holiday, too.

What worked for us at that age was getting a somewhere rural (either UK or abroad) and just pottering about- wander down to the bakers in the morning, country walks, swim in the pool if we had one. Think DC would have found anything more high octane a bit overwhelming

Exactly this. Having too much 'stuff' and entertainment available is overwhelming. We used to get a beachside place with a pool, but far away from the madding crowds. A couple of cafe/restaurants a short wander away but with no colourful attractions (or bouncy castles) to distract en route.
Contrary to how it might sound, the kids loved it and stayed chilled.

i felt like this with my 3.5year old and now 1 year old when we went away earlier this year.

best advice (which I read on mumsnet) is to get into a routine every day so we did breakfast, beach, back for lunch, screentime/chill out time, out to town in afternoon for ice cream and maybe early dinner, back for dinner and bed. Worked a treat from day 3 onwards then we had to head home on day 7 🤣

you don’t get to explore much but it meant the toddler knew what to expect every day.

it’s no longer a holiday, it’s destination parenting

I feel your pain! When I was around 4 or 5 we went on holiday to Wales. All my memories are lovely but years later DM told me I was an absolute nightmare the whole time & refused to do anything I was told! She & DF nearly went home early!

Looking back, my dcs slept a lot on holiday at that age. We'd have a morning in the pool and they'd be wiped out. They'd sleep for 2-3 hours in the afternoon while me and dh had lunch and rested. In the evening they would sometimes have a meltdown after dinner because the service was late but I think that's normal.

As a person who lives with autism, your daughter is having severe tantrums, not meltdowns.

I think we expect too much of children that age.
I know this holiday means a lot to you, as you've saved for years etc etc, but it sounds as though your expectations of your child are too high in wanting her to do everything 'nicely'.
She wouldn't be behaving like this were she in her comfort zone. She sounds over-stimulated and over-excited; she can probably sense your agitation, too, which will be making things worse.

In my experience, the only decent age for holidays is 7,8,9 and 10. I left them with the grandparents from the age of 13. It was lovely to go on holiday as a couple without any whinging DC in tow!

Preschoolers are really hard work on holiday. Could be worse, we did a holiday with newborn ds, 3yo dd and childless friends, dd wasn’t terrible but we had issues at meals and bedtime and friends were so judgy, was a nightmare. Never again.

Good news is it does get easier, eventually. After our disaster holiday we stuck to short, inexpensive breaks until our youngest was 6 or 7.

Maybe if this is her first holiday she is quite overwhlemed with it all. The last holiday we had was when my daughter was 4.5 and she was absolutely fine, had a lovely time so I wouldn't write off future ones.

We have just taken DD (4) camping, plus activities and meeting her cousin, for 2 nights, not far from home so no travel excitement/fatigue. DD was massively overstimulated and exhausted by lunch time the third day, and on the way home when given the choice of going to a familiar cafe that she loves, she asked to go straight home and have lunch there, totally out of character for her, she then spent most of today in her sleeping bag watching cartoons not wanting to move, again totally out of character.

I don't really have any advice other than being gentle with her as her behaviour sounds normal in the circumstances.

We paid for a cheap flight and took one of the nursery assistants that my son loved with us -- (didn't pay apart from all her food and meals out as it was agreed it was just a free holiday for her) when our son was 4 to a 3 bed apartment in Portugal- we mixed it up- she took him out alone several afternoons to the beach, little town train etc and babysat 3 nights and then went out with us in the evening the rest of the time. Rest of time in daytime was hers. I think the continuity worked for him as he was as good as gold.

In your case OP I would split it up and take him out on your own or H take him out so you at least both get some peaceful solo time- in future I would either find places with kids clubs or somewhere there are a lot of other kids around for them to mix with - Eurocamp, Haven , Butlins etc-- some kids are great abroad from very tiny- others aren't really, but usually improve around 7 -

I don’t think your expectations were too high OP, you expected her to be herself.

It’s awful when you’ve planned this brilliant holiday that this happens as it really is relentless.

As other PP have said, try letting things slide for an easy life for a few days. Full sympathy to you and your DH.

Lower your expectations. It's different she's out of her comfort zone she's over excited. Holidays with kids are basically holidays for kids. The best u can hope for is that you get a couple of hours on a evening to enjoy some wine. Use devises , tire her out in the day. Let some stuff slide for the ease of the holiday.

@SatelliteFish Do you talk to your DD about your plans for the day. Or even the next day as part of the bedtime routine?

We have always discussed plans on holiday with the DC and let them have some "input" about things like which ice cream flavour they'll have or what animals might we see if going to a farm.

She is four
On holiday
New place
Out of routine

Give her a lollipop

You cannot link s lollipop with behaviour two hour ago
Chill
Relax