On holiday with 4yo and it’s awful - is this normal??

[SatelliteFish]

On holiday with 4yo DD and it’s awful.

She’s loving the fun bits, but if she’s not eating ice cream, swimming, bouncing on a bouncy castle etc she’s having a meltdown, mis-behaving or moaning. Won’t eat a single meal nicely, won’t go to bed nicely, won’t do anything nicely unless it’s a fun activity.

Epic (and I mean epic) meltdown today because I wouldn’t buy her a lollipop because her behaviour had been terrible. I said no and explained why & stuck to my guns. I do try to be strict and have some discipline but just feel like a failure.

It’s our first holiday abroad (Europe) due to Covid and DH and I are seriously thinking it will be our last. It’s not enjoyable. I’m looking at flights to leave early.

We’ve looked forward to this holiday for literally years, saved up etc and after this week it’s back to work / grindstone for the next year.

Is this normal? What age do holidays with kids get better??

Please no sarcastic comments. I’m sat here on my hard-earned holiday (first In four years) in tears. If you don’t have any supportive words please kindly pass by this thread.

Oh and DD doesn’t have any additional needs as far as we are aware.

She attends a very good pre-school and they speak very highly of her.

honestly stick with centre parks/haven/butlins type places with loads of stuff for kids to do!

i would never book a villa in the middle of nowhere next time

Urgh. It took until DS was 10 for us to have an enjoyable holiday with him. I think I posted a very similar post to op on here one year in despair. DD was never a problem, mainly because DS was being so awful.

We're on holiday now with both of them and it's all good.

I think it's normal and I also think it's worth going on holiday like this when they're little to get used to it. Maybe it's also a kind of home sickness/lack of normal routine/feels slightly disconcerting? I think familiar cartoons etc can really help. Hopefully they already are helping.

DS is four. We have abandoned most holidays so far a couple of days early as it was a nightmare. He is usually kind, polite and a pleasure to be with but the change in routine and intensity of treats seems to be a bit much. We now go for a day or two at a time, which is much more successful. Don’t beat yourself up. We found that just going with what he wanted to do made for the best use of our time away as we’d paid for it and intended to enjoy it.

Yep it sucks. Holidays with small children are basically torture ans you need a holiday when you get back...

So normal!

Lower your expectations massively and tag team with your partner so one of you gets to relax and the other child-wrangles.
Just be thankful you only have one!

It’s not just you, we struggled a bit last month on our first holiday with 4 year old DD. Things got better as the week progressed but it was hard and didn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as such. I look back on it quite fondly now I’m back though.

If it helps, our DD slipped easily back into routine/normal behaviour when we got back. I was concerned the holiday standards would transfer to real life but thankfully not!

No help to you in this situation as I've yet to take DCs abroad but we are off on holiday in September and my usually strict DH, who hates to deviate from routines, has decided it would be unfair to give DC (toddler) their normal bedtime etc as "we're on holiday". I am anticipating the first day will have tantrums and ironically it will be DH who gets stressed and annoyed at this, wondering why toddler DC can't just cope on holiday 🤦 he seems to think our toddler, who hasn't napped for about 2 years, will suddenly be able to nap and stay up late. Can't wait to see how this turns out 😂

We did SC hols in the UK with the kids till they were much older - for those reasons. More relaxing for us all!

Hope the rest of your holiday improves.

Oh poor you, OP - and your poor little girl. She's completely out of her routine. Nothing is familiar, other than you and her dad. The food is different, the landscape is different, her bed is different. She's presumably being allowed to do/eat things that are normally more rationed, so she's lost sight of where the familar boundaries are. It's no surprise she's unhappy and out of sorts (because that's likely to be what she's communicating to you with her meltdowns).

We didn't go on holiday to unfamiliar places when our DC were little as it was too much for them. All 'unfamiliarity' meant was that I had to do my normal job (SAHM), only with none of the usual tools to keep everyone happy.

For the rest of the time, I'd just go with it as much as you can, and try not to focus too much on 'good behaviour', if you possibly can. I really would just do whatever it takes to get through it, even if that means extra and 'undeserved' lollipops.

My first holiday with DS was in Spain. He was 3. It was tough and I was relieved when it was over too.

I think it's normal. Kids are unsettled by different bed, different heat, different food, different smells, even the time zone. It means the slightest thing sets them off.

Try to exude a sense of calm and hopefully it will rub off on DC.

Some kids don’t do well out of routine. Is she tired? We went away in June and my 3yo rarely naps but needed a good few hours to cope with the stimulation and the heat. Otherwise she was pretty good. It was my older one who was actually a bit harder (although she probably enjoyed it more). You have to give them some allowances and lower your expectations a bit. I’d also try and divide and rule so one of you gets a proper break. Are you using kids clubs at all?

We travel a lot with our 4yo DC and here are some things that help us.

Keep your usual pattern and routine as much as possible. Try to eat out at lunch time and have a quiet relaxed evening meal at the accommodation, bath, and bed.

Each morning, ask DC what they would like to do that day and work that into the plan. Tell them what's going to happen that day - we will go swimming this morning which is what you asked to do, then have lunch together at a cafe, and then in the afternoon you and daddy will go and play at the park while mummy has a rest. Then we will have dinner together at the villa and it will be bed time after that. Would you like an ice cream today? Ok, let's do that after lunch!

Praise them when they are being cooperative. At the end of the day, when they are in the bath, praise them again for any helpful behaviour that day. Tell them you enjoyed doing X with them that day.

Take it in turns to go and do something with DC while the other adult gets a rest.

Try to make the evenings a bit special once DC is in bed - maybe some candles, play a game, get some nice wine and nibbles.

I know it's hard when you have looked forward to this for such a long time but you need to adjust your expectations as holidays with young kids are a whole different ballgame.

Totally normal, not fun but totally normal! I think the clash between expectation and reality makes it worse, with all the stupid TV adverts for holidays and fake social media posts from other people. (If you look carefully at the Insta photos of cute ice cream smeared, beaming toddlers, behind them there’s usually three spilt drinks, two broken toys and one ruined expensive sun block, plus a big hole in the sand that they were imprisoned in until just before the photo).

I once met a Dad on holiday who was in tears (seriously! ) because his little girl would ONLY eat the sprinkles for the ice cream, not even the actual ice cream for ten days. Everyone survived.

Tag team with DH if you can and try not to be too ambitious. There will be nice moments. Big unmumsnetty hugs x

Agree with previous posters re routine - I'd bet she's not sleeping as well and that will also feed into her mood.

I also think that after a few years of missed holidays due to covid you've probably built up a few expectations of how amazing it was going to be when you finally got to go away so the reality will feel like a bit of a slap in the face.

If your DD is anything like my DS, she'll settle and start enjoying it just as you're due to leave!!

Such is life with kids!!

I took my DD on hols from months old to about 17!

Rules and boundaries went out the window, i ve pics of her playing with Spanish kids at a fete, gone midnight!
Stuffing her face with ice cream at 10pm in France.. swimming at 11pm.

Mostly aimed to get her sooo tired she'd be begging for bed, of course it wasn't all dreamy but if i wanted a couples Hols, i d have left her with the in laws (or not gone)

She was on hols too !

Taking it in turn helps too, stopped her playing ome off against the other.

But all kids are different, my approach might be a disaster for you, hope it works out ok.

OP - are you usually with your dd 24/7 or is this different for you? I think people's perception about holidays with very young children differs quite a lot if they are sahp or wohp.

Aww op, I feel you pain..Dc1 was awful and I mean awful on the first three holidays we took (2-4). Wouldn't sleep (normally good) screeched, tantumed. We figured out that we needed to keep it low level and take parenting turns. Set the bar low...

🤔 Mmm, wondering if just the wrong type of holiday. I have three, first went abroad at 9 months camping, next 13 months and last at 4months but we always drove on Eurocamp type holidays. They slept when they were tired, with us if necessary, ate what they wanted and had freedom to potter around campsites with child friendly facilities, although we did do tourist things like Venice........... not recommended waterbuses/taxis with 3 kids and youngest in a buggy, but can't say there were ever any meltdowns...... only internally from me when I wondered what I would do if the over full water taxi went down when I was the only swimmer with three kids plus non swimming husband 😰! To eat out its OK to give screens, sticker books/small new toys like lego or whatever keeps them happy, you can't spoil them on a holiday, that's what they are for, if they eat too many ice creams/macdonalds or what ever they want that's just holidays🤷 they will understand that it is different from normal life and go back to normal when they get home😎 so if it keeps her happy and quiet, give the lollipop is my advice🍭🍡😂

Hope your holiday improves, I’m sure it will. Try not to focus on the expectation of a perfect holiday. She could be having a big developmental spurt or growth spurt. Try to keep calm it’s a holiday for you too, totally agree with downtime in the afternoon for all of you. Keep her snacks up too, mine are always so hungry on holiday due to all the extra swimming.

We used to go to hotels with children’s clubs for this reason - so we could get some respite from them!
My children were pretty awful with the tantrums until they started school full time at 5. That seemed to wear them out a bit and calm them down. Sorry you are having a bad holiday. Try not to fight over little things, and don’t expect much. It will get better as they get older.

I agree with the overstimulation and need to explain a lot so your dd doesn’t become overwhelmed. We got dd to nap on holiday most days up to and including age 7. It made all the difference. She could play madly in the morning. We would then eat lunch and all nap together or at least get dd to nap through the hottest part of the day. All in the same room btw as we were AI. Then back to the pool when it was cooler at the end of the day. We could then have a good evening and go to bed later.

Thanks for this, due to go on (UK) holiday in a week and this thread has reminded me to manage my expectations 😂

Sorry you're suffering OP

I have 2 boys aged 6 and 8. In 2019 we went to devon. My kids were so dreadful we came back early. Last year we went to Scotland and again still bad but not quite as bad. I'm not going anywhere this year. I may think about it next year but it's the same shit just a different place which costs a load of money. No amount of threats blackmail or bribery helped.