I have had enough of my 2 year old and don't know what to do anymore?

[attheendofmytether23]

I have name changed for this but am a regular user but don't want it linked to my main.

As to not drip feed I'm going to give all the information
I have a just about to turn 2 year old. Me and my husband work opposite shifts to save on childcare. I work 5 days of mornings, usually 4 am till about 1 pm and he works 5 days of nights usually 5pm till 2 am with the occasional full overnight of 8pm till 5 am. He does the mornings with her and watches her till im home and then i take over when home. She goes to nursery one day a week more for the social aspect as she was born in the middle of covid pandemic and she adores going. Upping her hours isn't financially feasible as much as we would love to give her something she would adore.

I was under the perinatal mental health team for a year and really struggled to bond and fall in love with her. Things are better now but recently I'm struggling again

First sleep. She used to sleep half 6 till half 6 every night without fail. Now she goes down at 7 and she's clearly tired, eye rubbing, yawning, crying etc. But she sits and screams in the cot or she bangs her legs on the cot while screaming. I find this difficult because I have to be up at half 2 for work. We've tried keeping her up later, didn't work, same result just up later, giving her calpol in case something hurts, we did this for 3 days and then took her to the gp who said nothing seems to be bothering her so no need for calpol, tried dropping her nap and she then fell asleep at 5 pm and woke up at 8 pm thinking she'd just had a nap and didn't go back to sleep till midnight.
I'm at a loss and now starting to resent bedtime which makes it harder cos I'm stressed before I even begin.
We have a routine, bath, story, cuddles. Been the same since she was 7 months old.

Now this might seem strange but for my husband she sleeps in quite happily till 7 when we wake her up if she's not already awake. She's never awake for my husband. He has to wake her at 7 without fail. On my days off when I'd love to have a bit of sleep she's awake at 5 am without fail. And this is only on my days off. Never for my husband. I have absolutely no idea why but I'm starting to resent both him and her which is ridiculous cos she's a barely 2 year old. So it's Saturday, my first day off in 8 days and she's been up since 5 am and now she's having a meltdown because she's tired. Put her back to bed and started screaming, had to bring her down as husband is sleeping and he didn't finish till 4 45 am.

She screams over everything, she cries, she hits and she bites. She doesn't eat anything and then screams when she won't be allowed the snacks she wants. I spend hours playing with her and taking her outside and to the park. We put her down when she hits and bites and usually say no that hurts. Putting her down is enough of a punishment in a way as she hates not being sat on top of us. I'm not really sure how much she understands.

I'm tired. I'm struggling so so much with her and I actually feel like she's just getting worse. I don't want to do anything with her except stick the TV on and leave her with all the snacks she wants even just for 5 minutes peace.
If you've read this far thanks and maybe even writing it down has been very useful for me this morning

Sorry, it sounds hard.
But 12hrs overnight seems a lot for a 2 year old.
Mine is the same age are usually does 9.5-11hrs maximum in one stint. Ie 9pm-6.30am usually, 8.30-7am if super tired. Was 9.40pm last night after starting bedtime at 8.30pm, and still woke just gone 7am

I’m sorry you feel like this OP and I’m sure someone will have some wiser words to say than me.

thinking back to my own children when they were that age, Their behaviour is often a way of communicating, when they cannot find words to do so.

your childcare arrangement rota sounds complicated, and perhaps if it makes little sense to me, might it not to your child? Children thrive on order and routine, and they do often like one primary care-giver, the one they act up to the most. The one person they can let all their worries and frustrations out. It sounds like this is you, as you get the worst of it.
Perhaps your current routine is leaving your child unhappy, bear in mind they don’t know days of the week, weekends or when it’s a holiday, seasons etc. I Don’t know what the answer to it is, but is there any possibility to alter it to make things more consistent?

if she sleeps more for daddy what is happening in the day for that to happen? Is she getting too many naps before your childcare shift at night? Is she getting naps some days and not others?

there are also physical and hormonal changes happening in your child, there will be molars coming in and a rapid development in language and understanding that they have personal agency over themselves. They are learning this skill, and mummy, daddy and nursery may have different rules about what they can and can’t do. it’s probably overwhelming to her.

Oh dear it sounds as she's getting herself over tired
I agree with previous PP the night time seems too long
What nap does she have during the day? Could you maybe shimmy that slightly later so she falls asleep easier? Or take her up later so it's less of a battle, and say have an hour 'relax' time before bed instead
They change so quick it really is just trial and error with naps and bed time.

@Fucket yes it is complicated. And I do feel for her. I'm usually working Sunday to Thursday all mornings and when I come home I take over with her. We couldn't afford to put her in full time childcare. It would be 1300 a month, neither of us earn that anyway. Interesting about back molars, she has dentist on Tuesday. I'll ask them

@Caspianberg @MoodyTwo I never considered her sleep being too long. Not to sound boastful but she's slept 12 hours since she was about 7 months really. Her nap times are usually after dinner so about 12 30 to 2 15 usually. I could do her dinner earlier and get her to bed at 12 and get her up at 1 30

will you not get some funded hours for her for nursery fairly soon??
what time is she actually falling asleep in the evening?

I’ve an almost 2 year and she is usually sleeps 8pm- 5am. Sometimes she naps and sometimes she doesn’t. I try not to let her nap for more than an hour. She isn’t quite ready to drop the nap yet.
I would get her up earlier and ideally let her nap before lunch for an hour then she is more likely to be ready for sleep between 7 and 8pm.

When sDd was grizzly like that I'd run her a bath to 'reset' her, being in the water worked every time.

Your routine is exhausted, you need to do things for you even if you have your DD with you. I found listening to adult audio books or Podcasts useful to have some adult chatter in the background.

We used to put Barney on at 14.00 whilst on the sofa I'd have a nap and she'd watch her show sat next to me. I'd then be reenergized to deal with dinner etc.

Nope not till she turns 3. We earn too much to get anything when she turns 2. I honestly don't know what time she falls asleep. Sometimes I fall asleep before her as I'm absolutely exhausted most nights. Usually once the banging and screaming stops it's about half 7 to 8 o clock. But I can occasionally here her chatting to her Teddy bear after she's stopped screaming. I'd say probably 8 onwards. I did try putting her to bed at 8 for a few days and we had the same result. Just screaming and kicking till 9 instead

@Singleandproud my therapist told me the same. Take some time for myself. There just isn't enough hours in the day. I got up this morning at 4 am partly as I couldn't sleep and partly cos my work hours have shifted my body clock to not sleep in past 4 and I sat down and had a cup of tea and stuck a series on. She was up not even 30 minutes later.

According to the NHS a 2yo needs between 11-14 hours. In my experience one child can differ wildly from another but mine always stayed in the same place on the spectrum - so our youngest was always at the low end, right through to teenage years, eldest always at the top end. The range is wide. So your child could now be happy with 11 hours.

The two issues I identified are: 1) you sound knackered/stressed and 2) your child is for some reason waking significantly earlier on those two mornings when you are not working.

I would do everything I could to think about 1) as you are very important and it is hard to feel warm when exhausted, but on 2) I think you need your partner's help to do some detective work. Is there any chance your daughter is missing you so is excited to see you, or is worried about those mornings with you if they are not the norm?

I think also it is important to be aware your family has very unusual sleep patterns/needs, it would be expected your child might be a bit unusual about sleep.

So 12 hrs overnight, and still 2hr day nap as well? 14 hrs in 24.

I know all different, but like I said we average 9.5-11hrs max overnight. That’s often with no nap, as now only needs nap every other day approximately

Is she very active between waking at 2.15pm and asleep already at 6.30pm? I understand you want to try and sleep yourself before you work, but I can’t comprehend a 2 year old being that tired just 4hrs after waking unless ill

Is there any way you can both swap hours to something more consistent?

@carefullycourageous she's definitely more interested in me on the mornings I'm off which is similar to the response she does when her dad does her bath on a night cos it's very different for her. I don't think she's anxious. I hope she isn't anxious. She always seems excited to see me when I go into her room to collect her. Jumping up and down yelling mummy. No tears until we get downstairs.
I'm exhausted. I dont know how I'm gonna continue. We have no childcare. His parents live in Scotland, my parents moved overseas a few years ago. I'd love to give her more nursery hours as she adores it and i would get a break but there's just no room in the finacnes. That's a whole other topic.

@Caspianberg we've looked at several other jobs and even applied to them. There's nothing going that would change our financial situation. Neither of us have a university background so most jobs are minimum wage. If we were to both work days and do the typical 9 to 5 full time nursery is just under 1300 pounds here. We'd actually be worse off. I just don't know what to do

You sound knackered.

You say she naps still - can you nap with her?

Excitement and worry can have the same impact on sleep unfortunately - we wake because we are less settled.

On your day off, where is your partner? If he did the morning as normal, maybe she would sleep like the other days?

You mentioned that your husband didn't finish work until 4.45 then she woke at 5am. Is this linked? Does him returning home wake her? I'd definitely try moving the nap earlier and waking her up after 45 mins. We had to force my ds nap down to 20 mins at not much over 2 to get a decent night.

To me your routine seems too changeable. This is not a criticism. I see why it is chaotic - you are working hard to maximise income and cut costs! But more consistency might help.

@carefullycourageous I work mornings so she's usually finished her nap when I get home and then my husband has to shower and get ready for work and we try to eat tea together as a family on the days we're both working. It's such a complicated situation for all 3 of us and I just don't know what to do anymore. Childcare is ridiculously expensive which would give us both the break we need, but our jobs just about pay for us to pay our bills and feed us and occasionally a day out to the local farm or something

@attheendofmytether23 I have always been a single parent so I had to build 'me things' into my day with DD it is tough.

How is the routine overall? perhaps if you and your partner did the same sort of things everyday things would be easier so she has structure over the day if not the carer.

Also, try learning sign language and teaching her, baby's can sign once they can clap. My DD barely cried as a toddler as she could tell me: eat, drink, water, milk, more, all done, home, noise, sleep, nappy change, pain and point to the body part etc. It is an absolute game changer and might make a massive difference.
Lots of videos on line or Mr Tumble to teach you both. Makaton is simpler than BSL as it is designed for those with additional needs so the hand movements are easier.

@carefullycourageous on my days off like today he didn't get in till 5 am. I couldn't ask him to get up with her and then go back to work tonight. It wouldn't be fair.

@attheendofmytether23 probably an obvious one but have you looked at UC and their contribution to childcare? I don't know a huge amount about it as I'm on the old tax credit system but it might be worth checking out the Entitled to website to see how much childcare would cost with their contribution if you are eligible.

You could also tell your GP or HV you are struggling and they might be able to make a referral for additional childcare support (early access to free hours etc) due to your previous MH needs.

@Singleandproud
Her routine is the exact same regardless of which parent does it

Wake up at 7 am latest.
Breakfast and changed out of pyjamas and old nappy into fresh clothes and nappy.
From about 9 am she plays outside weather permitting. We are fortunate to have a massive back garden which is enclosed.
She has a snack at 10.
Dinner at 12
Nap half 12 till 2 15 but I'm looking at changing that on advice from other posters
Usually at 2 15 I'm home when she wakes so I bring her downstairs. I take her out every day even if it's just for a walk to the shop to buy some milk. She needs that activity. So we do that and she usually has a snack while out while husband preps tea and gets himself showered and ready. I get home and jump in shower. We eat tea.
She has some TV from about 4 so I can sort washing, washing up and generally make sure the house looks less like an abandoned mess. Bath at 6 15, stays in qs long as she wants. Get out, pyjamas on and cuddles and bed.
We don't really deviate from it.

I think it would be fair if it would make the family happier overall. I have sometimes done much more than my DH, other times he does more than me. I haveuch older children but can remember the feelings of despair when exhausted very clearly. Parenting is a long term project - 'fair' should be measured over the years not over a week.

@Singleandproud annoyingly we fall into that really annoying income bracket of earning just enough to not get any help but barely scraping by every month. We've tried.

I will speak to the health visitor. She's got her 2 year review in 2 weeks. I'll see if she has any suggestions.