I have had enough of my 2 year old and don't know what to do anymore?

[attheendofmytether23]

I have name changed for this but am a regular user but don't want it linked to my main.

As to not drip feed I'm going to give all the information
I have a just about to turn 2 year old. Me and my husband work opposite shifts to save on childcare. I work 5 days of mornings, usually 4 am till about 1 pm and he works 5 days of nights usually 5pm till 2 am with the occasional full overnight of 8pm till 5 am. He does the mornings with her and watches her till im home and then i take over when home. She goes to nursery one day a week more for the social aspect as she was born in the middle of covid pandemic and she adores going. Upping her hours isn't financially feasible as much as we would love to give her something she would adore.

I was under the perinatal mental health team for a year and really struggled to bond and fall in love with her. Things are better now but recently I'm struggling again

First sleep. She used to sleep half 6 till half 6 every night without fail. Now she goes down at 7 and she's clearly tired, eye rubbing, yawning, crying etc. But she sits and screams in the cot or she bangs her legs on the cot while screaming. I find this difficult because I have to be up at half 2 for work. We've tried keeping her up later, didn't work, same result just up later, giving her calpol in case something hurts, we did this for 3 days and then took her to the gp who said nothing seems to be bothering her so no need for calpol, tried dropping her nap and she then fell asleep at 5 pm and woke up at 8 pm thinking she'd just had a nap and didn't go back to sleep till midnight.
I'm at a loss and now starting to resent bedtime which makes it harder cos I'm stressed before I even begin.
We have a routine, bath, story, cuddles. Been the same since she was 7 months old.

Now this might seem strange but for my husband she sleeps in quite happily till 7 when we wake her up if she's not already awake. She's never awake for my husband. He has to wake her at 7 without fail. On my days off when I'd love to have a bit of sleep she's awake at 5 am without fail. And this is only on my days off. Never for my husband. I have absolutely no idea why but I'm starting to resent both him and her which is ridiculous cos she's a barely 2 year old. So it's Saturday, my first day off in 8 days and she's been up since 5 am and now she's having a meltdown because she's tired. Put her back to bed and started screaming, had to bring her down as husband is sleeping and he didn't finish till 4 45 am.

She screams over everything, she cries, she hits and she bites. She doesn't eat anything and then screams when she won't be allowed the snacks she wants. I spend hours playing with her and taking her outside and to the park. We put her down when she hits and bites and usually say no that hurts. Putting her down is enough of a punishment in a way as she hates not being sat on top of us. I'm not really sure how much she understands.

I'm tired. I'm struggling so so much with her and I actually feel like she's just getting worse. I don't want to do anything with her except stick the TV on and leave her with all the snacks she wants even just for 5 minutes peace.
If you've read this far thanks and maybe even writing it down has been very useful for me this morning

The thing is if you're doing the same thing every day, she's not getting any mental stimulation out of it, even if she is getting physically tired. That will have a big impact on sleep and behaviour.

@MolliciousIntent I do get it..honestly I do. And I'm not here to dispute it but we have very little money and very little free time. I wish it was as simple as just getting a new job or being able to drive but unfortunately it's not

She's had 1 hour nap today and she's currently in major tantrum mode screaming and crying and generally being very hard work.

What sort of stuff did you do for fun in the area before she was born? I think we often fall into the trap of thinking that kids can only do kids stuff, but you'd be surprised by how much interest they can find in a whole range of things!

We live somewhere where ‘classes’ and arranged activities are rare. If it’s any help, some cheap things my 2 year old likes:

bike rides. On his own running bike locally or in trailer on longer ones
Walk somewhere, see cows/ ducks and picnic
pond/ stream dipping with net
playing with neighbours children in a garden
gardening with us
’helping’ wash car/ wheels bin/ patio
walk to local small farm

water play, baking, basic crayons and paint

What about reading a story before bedtime to unwind? Just being snuggly in dim light looking at the pictures & the sound of you or DHs voice droning along might calm her down a bit more? So she's super relaxed when it's time to sleep? Maybe you do that already but it's always worked quite well for me. It didn't help the early waking!

I always think it takes five or so days for them to adjust to a new nap schedule. So yes she’s being hard work now because she’s not napped long but you need to persevere

@Caspianberg we do a lot of painting and colouring and sand play. She's not got any particular friends from nursery yet but I'm hoping she makes some soon so she can have playdates
I feel like I've failed her now.

It sounds really hard OP - you have no downtime away from work or parenting.

I think the early starts are definitely her being disturbed by you waking or your partner coming home - she'll be in a light sleep at 5am and easily roused. If I was you I'd just stick a podcast/show on in bed with my headphones if your body clock is waking you early rather than moving about.

Do you and your partner have any days off together? If so, I'd go for divide and conquer for a bit - each take her for a few hours to let the other have some downtime. Have you checked out local churches for playgroups - then tend to be drop in rather than having to sign up.

Otherwise - it might be a case of gritting your teeth for a little longer. Hopefully your parents visiting will give you a break, she's probably in a developmental phase which will pass and her behaviour will improve, then your 30 free hours will kick in.

Why would you have failed her? She sounds like a normal 2 year old.

it’s just that you and your dh are so tired that you can’t see the way through each day. she’s probably just needing less sleep as she’s naturally getting older.

@Caspianberg just with the lack of variety of things we do with her and how she's probably bored and I haven't noticed it and thought she was being a brat or a difficult toddler. I don't know.

I'm gonna stick to the hour nap. Currently distracting her by making bubbles with the bubble blower outside and playing with the sand.

Really feel for you OP 💐 My DS is an ok sleeper but the aggression and fussy eating really gets to me. This might not be helpful but we've decided to put DS in nursery 3 days a week. It is a huge stretch for us in fairly low paid jobs but I've managed to scrimp a lot to make it work and I think I'm a lot happier for it. This should be near to an eye watering £700 a month but we've lowered it to just under £600 using the gov.uk tax free allowance. I understand even if you sit down and work everything out it may still not be feasible but maybe it's just worth that second look over?

I'm sure things will get better over time but I know how hard it is right now. Be kind to yourself in the mean time.

We've had a look at some finances. We had a rare Saturday morning off together! We've actually got a loan payment due to end in 8 weeks. I actually forgot about it. So We've emailed nursery and we can afford another half day a week which is definitely better than nothing.

I've spent all afternoon making things out of boxes which to be honest she looked at me like I was stupid and stomped on them. I was never great at art so I'll take the hint there.

Going to see if the church near us has even just a playgroup or something similar even just for an hour

Not too sure how to take time for myself. Maybe while she's in bed.

I'm hoping our finances change but with the cost of everything it's not likely.

She's spent the last 20 minutes yelling night night at me hoping it's bed time but I'm gonna push her till 7. Starting her bath

I don't know who suggested it but someone said snuggling up with a story. I've always read her a story but never cuddled her while doing it. I mean I cuddle her all the time but never while reading a story so we will try that. She's a very affectionate little girl. I know I've only posted the bad about her. She's not all bad. She's so smart she makes me proud. She's so so funny and her smile melts me.
I'm definitely at the end of my tether but my parents are coming and his parents are coming at Christmas and the added bonus is they don't see her that often due to being in 2 different countries so they'll be taking her and spoiling her and loving her.
I hope it gets easier.
Sounds stupid I know but I always knew it would be hard, just didn't think it would be this hard

Anyway rambling now.
Sorry

OP that sounds exhausting due to your working hours, but your 2 year old sounds pretty normal and it sounds like you and DH are doing plenty to stimulate her.

I knew mine were ready to drop their nap when they just wouldn’t go to sleep at a reasonable time at night. A 30 min nap could mean they wouldn’t sleep til 9pm, whereas no nap and they’re fast asleep for the night by 6.30pm. It was a rough transition though as they nap one day and then not the next, but they get there in the end. Cutting the nap to 1 hour definitely helped at first, so I’d persevere with that.

Can she go do her nursery on a day that you’re not working so you can rest the whole day? I don’t know if that works for your schedule though. Do you and DH get any days off at the same time that you can take turns to have a few hours to yourselves each.

Op I just wanted to say that you are doing a fabulous job with your daughter. They are extremely hard work at this age, combined with you working unsociable hours. Not everyone can get to playgroups, swimming, the zoo, have play dates. You are stimulating her, physically and mentally with indoor and outdoor play. She also gets lots of time with mummy and daddy which is not easy when parents both work.
Sleep is the bane of most parents life at this age.
My granddaughter is almost 2. She still has a daytime nap of up to 2 hours. Bedtime is around 7-7.30 and she protests too and is up between 5.30-6am.She's really tired but I really think it's fomo.
Keep doing what you're doing, snatch any time you can to relax. It will get easier as time passes. By 3 her 30 hours will kick in but she'll also communicate better, have dropped her nap, will play more independently. You have and are giving her a wonderful, safe and loving start to her life. for you.

Could you try co sleeping if everything else hasn’t worked? She might be more likely to settle and go back to sleep if she’s close to one of you?

Out of the box thought - but might solve quite a few things. Can you register as a child minder, you might earn more, be working better hours and have time with DD and she, the stimulation of others. Is that something that would interest you, you could do?

Sounds like a gap in the market where you are?

Haven't RTFT but have you tried white noise/lullabies to settle her on an evening? When my GS stays I put bedtime stories on Alexa, then once he's asleep put lullabies on very low so the room isn't completely silent. We started doing this because our house is 'open-plan' so household noises travel and disturb him, the consistent sound of stories/lullabies drowns it out. White noise used to work amazing with him when he was tiny too.

Also do you have blackout blinds? Are the lighter evenings the cause of the disruption to her routine? And, if you do have blackout, do you have a nightlight in her room so it's not too dark? (Toddlers are like Goldilocks, everything's too much, or too little, hardly ever just right 😂) At 2 year old their little imaginations start running wild so a nightlight can calm them a little. Sorry, I know you've probably tried all this 🤦🏻‍♀️ but just incase!

I'd also leave a small bottle of water in her room - incase she's dehydrated when she wakes up.

You sound like a great mum OP; I know it's not much consolation right now but it will pass, especially as her communication improves. I know its frustrating playing 'guess what's pissing me off!' with a toddler when you're bloody knackered and don't know the rules but it will get better.

It really sounds like you’re trying your best- well done.

I actually think your routine sounds perfect. I didn’t start cutting the afternoon nap until after 2- and even then still about 1 1/2hor-2. I just made sure they were up by about 2.30.

one of mine went through a terrible phase of screaming/shouting/chucking things out the cot. This was v behavioural and we let it go in for months, going in and out. Eventually we got a night light and sewed her comforter onto
her sleeping bag so she couldn’t throw it out. We then did not go in unless we absolutely had to. And it stopped, eventually. But she’s definitely more temperamental than her sister, and more stubborn.

So I don’t think it’s anything to do with your routine/set up. I think it’s a growth in her understanding and perhaps some boundary pushing- totally normal. It’s up to you how to deal with it but I don’t think going to a church group will instantly solve it.

I also wouldn’t worry about chatting/not going to sleep straight away- that’s normal. We did also let our daughter put a baby/toy to ‘bed’ before she went in- just in a day bed that’s in her room. She would say night to it, she would turn of the light etc.

good luck. I hope it gets easier soon. Xx

So a mini update for anyone who's interested
My inlaws rang and were discussing there next visit etc and asked how it was going. I told them the truth instead of the usual 'oh it's all fine'. With our loan repayment ending we could afford a half day extra at nursery, they said they would send us the money to her in for another full day a week and they don't wanr to see us struggle. They've never lived close to us and I mean I like them but I never really knew them..honestly it made my day. So she's going to be going for 2 and a half days a week which will make a massive difference. Nursery have space and she can start ASAP.
I hope it helps.
I can actually be me and not either mummy or at work. So so happy

Playgroups helped my DC at that age

I just found that the BBC sounds app has lots of cbeebies stories. Might be helpful for helping her get to sleep or for general entertainment purposes.
I hope it gets better for you.