I have had enough of my 2 year old and don't know what to do anymore?

[attheendofmytether23]

I have name changed for this but am a regular user but don't want it linked to my main.

As to not drip feed I'm going to give all the information
I have a just about to turn 2 year old. Me and my husband work opposite shifts to save on childcare. I work 5 days of mornings, usually 4 am till about 1 pm and he works 5 days of nights usually 5pm till 2 am with the occasional full overnight of 8pm till 5 am. He does the mornings with her and watches her till im home and then i take over when home. She goes to nursery one day a week more for the social aspect as she was born in the middle of covid pandemic and she adores going. Upping her hours isn't financially feasible as much as we would love to give her something she would adore.

I was under the perinatal mental health team for a year and really struggled to bond and fall in love with her. Things are better now but recently I'm struggling again

First sleep. She used to sleep half 6 till half 6 every night without fail. Now she goes down at 7 and she's clearly tired, eye rubbing, yawning, crying etc. But she sits and screams in the cot or she bangs her legs on the cot while screaming. I find this difficult because I have to be up at half 2 for work. We've tried keeping her up later, didn't work, same result just up later, giving her calpol in case something hurts, we did this for 3 days and then took her to the gp who said nothing seems to be bothering her so no need for calpol, tried dropping her nap and she then fell asleep at 5 pm and woke up at 8 pm thinking she'd just had a nap and didn't go back to sleep till midnight.
I'm at a loss and now starting to resent bedtime which makes it harder cos I'm stressed before I even begin.
We have a routine, bath, story, cuddles. Been the same since she was 7 months old.

Now this might seem strange but for my husband she sleeps in quite happily till 7 when we wake her up if she's not already awake. She's never awake for my husband. He has to wake her at 7 without fail. On my days off when I'd love to have a bit of sleep she's awake at 5 am without fail. And this is only on my days off. Never for my husband. I have absolutely no idea why but I'm starting to resent both him and her which is ridiculous cos she's a barely 2 year old. So it's Saturday, my first day off in 8 days and she's been up since 5 am and now she's having a meltdown because she's tired. Put her back to bed and started screaming, had to bring her down as husband is sleeping and he didn't finish till 4 45 am.

She screams over everything, she cries, she hits and she bites. She doesn't eat anything and then screams when she won't be allowed the snacks she wants. I spend hours playing with her and taking her outside and to the park. We put her down when she hits and bites and usually say no that hurts. Putting her down is enough of a punishment in a way as she hates not being sat on top of us. I'm not really sure how much she understands.

I'm tired. I'm struggling so so much with her and I actually feel like she's just getting worse. I don't want to do anything with her except stick the TV on and leave her with all the snacks she wants even just for 5 minutes peace.
If you've read this far thanks and maybe even writing it down has been very useful for me this morning

I’m sorry OP, it sounds hard. I’m not an expert on any of this but it does sound like you’re expecting her to sleep a lot. I have a DD, 2.5 years old, and she usually sleeps 8pm to 7am and she doesn’t have a nap in the day because when she did she wouldn’t go to sleep until 9:30pm, which we didn’t want.

Goodness, you must be absolutely exhausted.

Do you and DH do enough with her? I can understand if you don’t given how tired you must be…but my DS (similar age) needs both physically and mentally exhausting to sleep well. On none nursery days we are talking a couple of hours at a busy toddler group in the morning, which I’ll get him to walk at least some of the way to and from…and then an hour or two running around the park in the afternoon.

Also, re your days off. You are over thinking it. She’s a baby. Unless you are telling her excessively the day before that ‘mummy is off work tomorrow’ then I bet the reason she’s waking up early is that the day before was somehow different. Early bedtime/too long a nap/too little stimulation for example. I’d look at that first as I doubt she knows your rota enough to chose to wake early.

And, as others have said, you are expecting too much sleep. Sounds like you just have to roll with the upset at bedtime currently. If she’s sleeping at 8ish and being got up at 7ish I’d do a 1-1.5h nap 1-2:15 or 2:30.

It sounds like she might be at that tricky stage where really dropping the nap would be best for night time sleep but she's not quite there yet in being able to stay awake all day. We had similar with DS, we would then time naps (as tedious as that was) and gradually make them shorter until he wasn't having one anymore. It was painful to wake a sleeping child haha but it did help with nighttime sleep- every child is different though and for some this would be the worst approach! It does sound though like it is the nap that is affecting things. Also not surprised you're bloody exhausted it sounds really relentless.

@AliceW89 no toddler groups round here. Everything is full with waiting lists into the several months. We've tried everything local. We don't drive so has to be local or at least bus able. We go out every day. Even just to the local shop.
We play with her. We do imaginary play, we go out on her trike, we have a massive field over the road and we go there and let her run riot. Some days yes we do sit and probably watch frozen 3 times in a row but it's not every day

It's quite a long time from her tea time until bedtime.

Carbs are good at making you sleepy so I'd suggest giving her something like a small bowl of porridge later on, maybe 30-45 mins before you want to put her down.

I can see why you're exhausted but I also agree that she isn't getting a lot of stimulation and different situations to tire her out mentally.

Do you have the tax free childcare account? That’s something you’re definitely eligible for.

also worth looking at a childminder? Round here they’re £35 a day where nurseries are £55 - tax free childcare would bring that down to £28 a day, 2 days a week would give her enough of a routine and you 2 a slight respite.

it also gives her the chance to socialise with children her own age, DS who was 2 last month is in nursery and he comes home chatting about his friends every day it’s really sweet. (Also - he sleeps 8:30 - 7 and then has around 1hr nap 1-2)

it sounds so so hard for you both, at this stage you really are just treading water and it’s so so hard - made harder by being ships which pass with your opposite shifts. I hope you can find a way to see through the next 13 months, then she will be in either school nursery or have her 30 hours and it’ll ease up tremendously.

It sounds like she's not getting enough mental or physical stimulation, tbh. I know it's tough, but kids this age need lots going on to fill their cups - could you try getting out and about more? Bigger walks, more physical activity, playdates etc?

You definitely need to cut down that afternoon nap. I would restrict it to 1 hour. You might be surprised at the difference that makes.
And yes look at childminders, they tend to be a bit cheaper than nursery. Also pre school playgroups are a lot cheaper too, in our area we have a few that are advertising spaces.

If you put her in to nursery more would you not be able to claim universal credit to help cover the costs?

You're not anything wrong. You're just struggling with a very difficult situation.

I never worked nights/crazy early mornings, but I did have kids only 14 then 18 months apart, so sleep was always a huge issue for me. I would go to bed when she does. I used to get myself ready for bed at 7pm, have the dishwasher on etc. I would do bedtime and then sit in the doorway reading a book or doom scrolling MN (disclaimer: most kids are much calmer with a parent in sight, but some get even more wound up) and then as soon as the toddler was asleep I went straight to bed!

In general, at that age I'd expect them to be ready to go to bed about 5-6 hrs after they wake up from their nap. As you've discovered, there's often not much point pushing bedtime later.

Sorry your struggling op, toddlers are tough!
A few suggestions (apologies if they're irrelevant or you've already tried etc)

I'd try and get her to drop the nap or reduce it significantly. Try letting her have an hour then waking her up.

You say she thrashes around in her cot? Sounds like she's ready for a bed. She may sleep better sleeping in a 'big girl' bed.

She may play up for you more because she misses you? She could be going through seperation anxiety or just wanting mummy.

As PP said, sometimes mummy being in sight helps. With my own DD i read her a bedtime story then sit by her cot until she falls asleep. I don't talk or interact with her and she's aslewp within 10 mins.

I'd try and push her bedtime a little later as she is having a lot of sleep, both during the day and at night.

Would a reward chart work? Routine board so she knows when daddys at work vs mummy?

They sense it.

I am a restless sleeper and my 2 year old wakes up whenever I am awake.

When he's alone with DP (sound sleeper) he sleeps well.

Can you afford another day or two of nursery?

OP it sounds like you’re doing a really good job with what’s available to you and within the constraints of working shifts and it’s just hard. It will get easier as she gets better at independent play, although the amount of sleep she needs will probably reduce a little bit too as she grows.
In terms of mental stimulation, anything that isn’t dangerous can be a toy. Things like plastic food pots (yogurt tubs, ice cream tubs, houmous/cream cheese type tubs) can be cleaned and used - you could make a tea set and use it in the garden. At that age a ´post box’ made of a cereal box with a slot cut into it - plus some ´post cards’ she can scribble on then post - is a great toy. Having a few toys she can play with without a lot of input from you helps and makes a change from tv time.

Cut the daytime sleeping down, and hold out for one more year when she'll get 30 hours' funded nursery. If you got up this morning and then she work up 15 minutes later, it's because she heard you. Not sure how you can stop that happening but I remember lying stock still in my bed for an hour or so many times just so I got some time alone!

I'm not sure who posted what. Just been for a very long walk round the field with her to tire her out

So we aren't applicable for universal credit. We earn just enough and it looks like we do okay on paper but when you add up mortgage, council tax etc we have very little left over. As much as I'd love to give her a second day at nursery it's not financially feasible. I said in a previous comment but we don't have a degree or anything and any other job we applied for with more daytime hours would give us the same wages but with paying more for childcare. It wouldn't make sense.

We've looked into a childminder and are actually on a few waiting lists but I don't know what it is about our area but there's just no availability and when there is some it gets snapped up in seconds. When her nursery rang us to say they had space for 1 day a week we needed to accept it straight away. There was no chance to talk it over or visit the nursery beforehand.
Same with toddler groups. There isn't any availability.

We do take advantage of the tax free childcare and that saves us about 50 pound a month

Someone commented how she heard me get up hence why she did I'm not too sure so as I leave for work at half 2 every day and she doesn't even stir. If I go to the toilet on a night near her room she doesn't even stir so I don't know why it's different on my days off

I'm just exhausted and I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do anymore.

I completely disagree that she's not getting enough physical/mental stimulation, I think you're doing an amazing job, 2 year olds don't need nursery or constant social activities (I'm not sure why so many people seem absolutely convinced they do) and besides she already goes to nursery once a week, the best place for her is with you and you are playing with her and taking her outside a lot by the sounds of it. 2 year olds just don't need loads of people in their life, they mainly need one person they have a strong bond with, as she gets older that will change of course but you will have provided a fantastic secure base.

The problem is that you and your OH must both be absolutely exhausted trying to do it all and you are becoming understandably overwhelmed. I don't really know what the answer is though except to hold on till she gets her funded hours and keep telling yourself that it's not forever. I think you are doing amazingly trying to juggle everything like this. I don't suppose you could have some family to stay and help out for a week or two? Or would that just be more work rather than a break? Can you take a few days holiday leave and have a bit of a break as it really sounds like you need it, or speak to your doc and get signed off sick for a week just to give you a break?

@Staynow thank you. So my parents are coming to the UK this month for her birthday and are staying for a couple of weeks and I'm sure they will watch her so we can sleep.
I'm absolutely exhausted. It feels never ending.
We practically live in the back garden and she's happy to do that. We have a massive sand pit and a few toys so that keeps her quiet as well

At that age my toddler would've gone batshit without more to do. Playgroup, zoo, music class, swimming. I had to for his sanity and mine.

You're up in the middle of the night and awake all day. Your partner may need to do more in the day.

She doesn't stir in the night as that's her rem sleep. At 5am the body isn't going into deep sleep and is much more likely to wake and the push for more sleep is less. She's definitely hearing you and waking up.

@xyzabchij if there was anything like that round here with both availability and I could afford it I'd do It in a heartbeat. The nearest zoo alone is 40 miles away. We don't drive. Swimming is first come first served Saturday morning, we've been twice and never even got halfway down the queue for it. It's insane

Have you thought about learning to drive op? Or maybe moving area in the future? Just thinking if you have more children, it may be best to live somewhere with a bit more going on.

Not judging btw I also don't drive!

When she is 2, she could go to preschool rather than nursery and preschools are usually cheaper.

@Namechange192727171 it's on the to do list for definite. Just finding the time and money.

No wonder you are exhausted if you get up at 2.30am daily. Is there a 1.5 I honestly don't see any amount of tinkering with your dds activity or nap schedule could help. It's bad enough if one parent works nights, when day care is used and the other parent doesn't. You basically have both of you working nights and no day care. I know it's easy for me to say but I would

*1.5 hour commute in there too

I would make any possible sacrifice to work days and get her in to day care at least 3 days, including giving up any other thing, and moving.

@RaisinGhost I walk to work to save on the twelve quid it would cost in a taxi. Ridiculous really. But that's 300 quid a month on travel If I didn't. Not to drip feed but moving is on the plan. Just a matter of time