Bewildered at parenting snubbing.

[Bunbuns3]

I have a 4 year old dd that has been going to nursery for just over a year now. In that time she has made three very close friends. Normally after nursery pick up if the weather is nice, we all go to a small park that is directly opposite the nursery, so the children can run a round, share snacks and have fun.
We have kept this arrangement fairly casual, and if we don't happen to bump into each other at the gates, it is no biggy and we would all just see each other another day. We have on occasion done some pre arranged activities such as going to the museum, which again is extremely close to the nursery, but mostly my encounters with the other mothers have been very polite and cordial, and not crossing over the boundary of intense friendship.
I assumed this arrangement suited us all, and although I would never call the other mothers friends as such I did think that we all got on and liked each other.
A few months ago one of the other mothers decided her daughter should not have any snacks after nursery. This was not discussed in advance, and the first we knew of it was when I handed her little girl a Kinder milk slice, and her mother snatched it out of her hand and put it in her bag. I thought this was a little out of character and just dismissed it as an off day, but it was awkward with the other three little girls happily munching away and her daughter looking on with a very puzzled look on her face. I would say this happened on and off another three times, the other mums would give a bag of crisps or a sweet and again it would happen with the snatching and the snack being put in this mother's handbag, while all the other children ate happily with this little girl looking very sad.
After a while myself and the other mothers brought less and less food. We always did bring fruit as well, but it got to the point we just did not bring anything because it was clearly upsetting this particular mother, and it was awkward with her poor dd.
I thought that everything was ok after that, until one of the other mothers mentioned a dance class that was starting near the nursery, and would we all like to go and see what it was like? They offered 1 free trial class, before signing up. I thought that sounded good, so I said yes I would be interested in trying it out as I knew my dd would really enjoy a class.

Well anti snack mum erupted into a rant that 4 year olds did not need dance classes and it was against her beliefs to do such a thing because it would be pointless. The mother that suggested the class mentioned it would be fun, well that was another red rag, because fun should not come into it when learning something new said she.
Nothing else was said and we respected her choice but the rest of us did do the free trial and we were all quite impressed so we did sign up to the class, 1 hour a week and we have been going for about 5 weeks.
Since then the mother that did not want to join us has been acting even stranger. She has been picking her daughter up earlier from nursery so she would just miss us, or if she did happen to see us, she would march her dd away in the opposite direction. I don't mind being treated like a leper if I was a really nasty person and had done something wrong, but it just seems to me this whole situation has got way out of hand. It is the children I feel bad for and unfortunately after the summer I have another year of this to look forward to. I just can't believe a grown woman can act so unhinged over something so small. I am just not sure how to handle this very weird situation?
I may add if it helps none of my dds friends mothers are originally from the UK so not sure if I am missing something culture about this whole sorry situation, although the mother that is acting strange is from a different country to the other parents.
I find myself thinking about this situation way longer than I should, and at times just feel helpless and sad. Looking forward to hearing some honest opinions on this because I am clueless as to how to proceed.

I don’t, people ate just weird and rude lots of the time. Maybe she’s just a bit odd, maybe it’s something more but just carry on as you are.

What stood out for me is the amount of junk food you and the other two parents give your children. As for the other mother's behaviour the only way you'll know why she is upset with you is if you ask. We can't possibly know if it's cultural or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

But you don’t need to do anything, surely? These people aren’t your friends, they’re just slight acquaintances you’ve met because of your DD’s nursery, and to be honest, it’s quite likely the girls will drift apart and make other friends too as they’re so young — it’s not a big deal. The rest of you can still hang out after nursery or afterwards. The girls can all still play at nursery.

I’m not sure you need to feel ‘helpless and sad’ because an acquaintance doesn’t like you. Who cares?

and also, yes I was a bit taken aback at the junk food for nursery aged children!

She’s behaving very strangely, but it doesn’t sound like you need to do anything. If she’s doing early pick ups and doesn’t want to hang out, then you just never need to see her. Her DD will miss out, but that’s not your problem. It sounds to me like she might have some money worries, can’t afford the classes or the shared snacking. But it’s not your problem.

LOL at being ‘taken aback’ by 4 year olds having a kinder slice.

LOL

Also crisps and sweets. The other mother probably thinks the OP is making poor food choices on behalf of her child and doesn't want the bad habits to rub off on hers! I'm not too strict with food but a kinder slice/crisps or sweets as an after nursery snack don't sound all that great to me, they are more of a treat.

The best advice I read on Mumsnet was 'don't take things personally, and leave other people be' - OP there is absolutely no need for you to be giving this so much headspace, the other mother was just an acquaintance not a close friend.

But as far as I understand your post it's not aimed at you, this woman is just removing herself from all of you. Too bad for her child but it's none of your business.

Just don't give a fuck. Why would you? Let her avoid you. Don't worry about her DC missing out either. She's a preschooler. She won't even notice she isn't meeting up with the same kids after school anymore. Go to dance class. Go to the park. Don't worry about it.

I wouldn't give this woman another thought. She has her issues, whatever they are, and they aren't your concern. You've wasted enough emotional energy on this woman, just focus of the positive relationships you have in your life.

Sorry just came on to say it wouldn’t be mumsnet unless someone came on and made judgy comments about childrens snacks!!😂😂😂.

it’s like a race - my little Hercules only eats juniper berries and drinks pasteurised lambs tears.

love it

This.

You don't need to 'do' anything.
She wants to parent differently from you, and that's fine. Carry on doing what you enjoy.
You don't need to angst over someone you have said wasn't even a friend particularly.

OP, I think you're taking it too personally. This woman seems to have issues. If you can be bothered, I'd ask her quietly one day if everything's ok and that it's a shame she never joins you anymore. See if she can say why.

it’s like a race - my little Hercules only eats juniper berries and drinks pasteurised lambs tears.

and there's always a parallel race for the wittiest way of conveying a sneery eye-roll at the poster who dares to give a fuck about their toddler being unnecessarily introduced to overly sweet/salty/processed food at a young age.

Thank you for your responses. I now know I am an awful person, for treating her daughter kindly and wanting her to spend time with my dd. In future I will not make the same mistake. Thanks again.

Me too!! You have complete control over preschoolers’ diets, why would you be buying crisps and kinder eggs unless it was a party?

About the angry nursery mum, buckle up, there’s a lot more of this to come. You will meet all sorts of parents on your journey 😂 It all works out fine

🤨

Hm, weird behaviour from her. It’s pretty normal to not want her DD to eat that stuff every day - a milk slice is almost half the daily sugar allowance for a 4yo - but she should have just communicated to you all instead of being weird about it. With the classes, maybe she can’t afford to sign up so didn’t want her DD to try it and then feel like she was missing out? As you say her behaviour seemed out of character I’d check everything is ok with her.

It’s pretty obvious that the problem lies with this one mother, rather than with you, because the others are happy to continue with seeing you. So stop soul searching and accept that not everyone likes everyone else, and be happy that you don’t have to accommodate this one person’s foibles in your social group.

and there's always a parallel race for the wittiest way of conveying a sneery eye-roll at the poster who dares to give a fuck about their toddler being unnecessarily introduced to overly sweet/salty/processed food at a young age

Except that's not what the eye rolling is about. Of course you can (and should!) "give a fuck" about what your own toddler eats. The eye rolling is quite rightly aimed at people who can't help but express their shock at someone else's 4 year old eating a Kinder slice at the park and feel it's appropriate to offer unsolicited finger wagging about that parental choice. It's not the way I feed my kids and I'm probably more akin to Little Hercules and his juniper berries but I don't judge other parents or condescend to them so I understand that this slight is not aimed at me 👍

See, this massively dramatic response makes me wonder whether you and the other mum have more in common than you think.

Leave her be. She doesn't want to hang out with you - all of you - anymore. Be polite if you run into her again. Thats what adults do in this sort of situation. It's not worth getting upset over, whether on behalf of the children or for yourself.

I agree with the ‘don’t take it personally’ advice. You haven’t done anything wrong. This Mum will have her own reasons for doing things, reasons that might not make sense to you. I would be friendly and polite if you see her, but don’t give it anymore headspace.

Why so dramatic? Throughout your daughter's childhood there will be parents you get on with and parents you don't. As they get older it is less important to have any relationship with the parents of your child's friends.

Do what you want to do. It's fine for her not to want to go to the park. It's fine for her not to go to dance.

My children are older and I still ask parents if it's ok for my child to share their crisps, chocolate etc, even with people I know really well. We all do the same. I think it's just best to double check (even if it's just that little Jimmy doesn't like quavers but he sometimes forgets so best not to offer him a bag)

If you reacted in a similar way to the rejection of snacks and ballet classes I am not surprised this lady is avoiding you

I too wondered whether this mum has financial problems and can't afford to join in with providing shared snacks, or paying for her DD to go to classes. She may be too embarrassed to say and this is her weird way of dealing with the situation. Or, as others have said, she may not agree with the sweet/salty snacks being given out, but in that case I'd expect her to hand them back, not shove them in her handbag.

You really do need to take it less personally OP. It doesn't make you an awful person for wanting to treat her DD with kindness. You have to grow a thicker skin and accept there will be some parents who don't want to join in and who may behave not as you expect them to. Just let them crack on and do your own thing.