I can’t place ‘38’

[LittleOwl2]

Hi everyone,

I’m 38 in September, my long term boyfriend/partner is 34. We’ve started talking seriously about kids and I’ve read nearly all of it starts with an egg etc.

What I’m really struggling is the number 38! I know fertility starts to decline etc… but I’m thinking more about the actual age to ‘become a mum’ rather than biology. In my mind, 35 feels ok/‘normal’…. 40 feels a ‘bit too old, but maybe’. My partners Dad was 42 when he was born (his mum is 10 years younger)… my partner used to say he didn’t want to be a dad ‘that old’ like his dad.

I think I imagined starting at about 35 but then covid etc. so any thoughts went away (plus partner is younger) and now the urge is pretty strong… but I’m struggling to place my age. I do not feel 38 at all… I still feel about 28! (Just more confident and happy with myself than I was at 28…. Machine at the gym said I’m 22 too!)

Someone from school on my Facebook has a 14 year old girl… made me wonder if I’ve left it too late….I was both single and not ready at 24! But I feel old in comparison… and the more I ‘spy’ on school friends on Facebook the older I feel!! Nearly everyone has kids most in their early-mid 30s (most have ‘kids’ as opposed to ‘teens’).

At the other end of my circle, at work I know someone who had no.1 at 38 & no.2 at 40. Someone else has her 3rd at 40 (DD1&2 are 18 and 16). Someone else has her little boy as a whoops baby at 37 (by the time she found out she had broken up with the Dad.. but he’s actively involved in his sons life, he’s a good Dad). So at work I feel ‘normal’!

My close friends vary… a few don’t want kids, one has just had ivf to have a baby alone, one unexpectedly found out she was pregnant at 33 weeks, another was ‘tricked’ into becoming a Dad (long term girlfriend said she was on the pill, she wasn’t. He has a 10 year old who he adores but he struggles with relationships now) Another has two boys (8&5) etc.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post… I guess I’m wondering, for kids born now…. What is 38… I’m half way between my ‘feels ok’ number and my ‘feels a bit old number’!

It's fairly common these days but in my opinion fairly old for a first child. Why does it matter, though? You can't make yourself any younger. My advice would be get cracking as you don't have time to waste.

Haven't you already answered your question with this statement I do not feel 38 at all… I still feel about 28! ?
If you're ready, you're ready. 38 in today's day and age is not old. But you should get started soon if you're serious about having a child as 38 is a dodgy ground with regards to

fertility.

(Pressed "post" too soon!)

Not sure what your question is? Even if you decide that a younger age would be better for having kids, it’s not like you can go back in time and have them when you were younger. Your choice is kids at 38 or no kids at all.

The only question to ask yourself is "do I want kids".

If yes, now is the time to start trying

If no, crack on with your life

Thinking about whether you should have had them at 24 is daft. 24 has been and gone. Realistically, like most things in life, having kids younger has pros and cons. Just like having kids older has pros and cons. That's life. There is no perfect time.

I would say well within the penal range these days. Had my first at 31 and was one of the younger ones at NCT and DH and I definitely some of the younger parents at nursery. Everyone at fertility clinics called me young.

You can’t change your age now or go back in time, but you can decide if you want to start trying so that’s your question really.

Look, do you want a child or not?

I had DD1 at 35 and i was the middle of our NCT group (think the others were 39, 37 and 36, then the ones below me early 30s). I suppose it depends a bit on where you live - im in London and it feels like mid-late 30s is much more common than eg. when i go back to my hometown to see family. But it also took us 2 years as we were due to start fertility treatment when the first lockdown happened so everything got delayed by 6months until things reopened.

As pp have said above, you can't go back in time, so the question is now whether you want to have a baby. Because if the answer is yes, then don't worry about age and just crack on to see if it happens or not. And if it doesn't happen but you have been trying, don't waste time before getting checked out by the GP.

Crack on! I met my husband at 36, he was 31 and we started trying when I was 38 - it’s taken 4 years and 7 miscarriages and I finally gave birth the week before I turned 43. I don’t feel too old and we’re at a place in life where we can give her a good life.

Everybody has said that we’ll go again - even her Paediatrician did and I laughed at him, 43 is definitely my too old number to be starting anything so we won’t even be attempting a sibling, we know how lucky we are and we are happy as we are now.

I had my first at 37 and my second at 42. At 37 I still felt young and like I had lots of time to have a child. I didnt feel ready. I desperately wanted to have a child...but at some point in the future (though I was of course aware of the issues of older mums...I just didn't feel ready).

My partner took a lead on this and said if we wanted to try to conceive a baby we really should start now. I was very lucky and got pregnant quite quickly. Now I know that not everyone gets so lucky.

Anyway, my point is if you do want a baby then there is no point in waiting. What is the point? Do you know what would make you feel ready or is it just a vague feeling like I used to have? If yes, and if you want a child then go for it. Now.

You are 38. The truth is that your fertility is crashing right now. Your egg quality started declining many years ago, and since age 35 your ability to grow reliable placenta is declining fast too. Grow up and stop mumbling about the gym machine making you feel young. If you want to have children, hurry up or you’ll wish you had. I know so so many women who had children in their early thirties and were unable to conceive more by age 40. Also - Downs syndrome, miscarriage, etc.

Most of the celebrities you read about having children in their forties didn’t use their own eggs. No genetic link to their child.

I’m trying to help. I wish someone had said all this to me when I was twenty eight.

To answer your question

The perfect age to have children is age 28-32. 24 is good if you can afford it. 35 is late. 40 is an age when most women can’t even conceive naturally. Many can, and I’m sure they’ll be along soon to tell you how fab they are, but most can’t.

I’m half way between my ‘feels ok’ number and my ‘feels a bit old number’!

You will only get further away from ‘feels OK’ (you’re already 3 years away from it) and closer to ‘feels a bit old’.

Unless you can time travel?

I had my twins at 38 (first at33) , my friend had her first at 39.as did another friend. The rest were I nearly - mid 30s

It is what it is - kid at 38/39+ or no kid. If you want one j, be direct with partner and start trying.

Good luck

Agree with @CharlotteOH. If you want kids, crack on. It's only going to get more difficult with time. We all feel younger than we are, but egg quality etc doesn't care about our feelings.

OP you might thing @CharlotteOH is being harsh but she isn't really, she is being accurate.

Give yourself a few weeks to really think about if you want kids. With a time limit. (IE end of July) And then make your decision and act on it.

Thank you everyone. I think I need to clarify my perspective a little better.

I’ve done a lot of thinking…. Overall, I think the answer to ‘do I want a baby/kids/teenager/adult children’ is probably (I’m off the pill etc. seeing what fate brings). The 38 question isn’t so much about my want as my concern about the hypothetical child. If I’m lucky…. I have a child at 38. At 48 it’s 10, at 58 it’s 20, at 68 it’s 30…. By my age, I’ll be 76 (if I’m lucky)

Yet, age is relative - partners Dad is about 76 now, he’s still working he’s active healthier that my Dad. But no matter how fit I am now… that’s not exact determinate of the future.

As I said, this post is not about biology….. I appreciate egg quality is an issue for some people at my age. I know if I want kids I better get cracking. And I do know that the gym machine only tells me about how healthy I am based on muscle mass/fat/fat around my organs etc. so isn’t relevant to conception (but is relevant as a prediction of long term health…and therefore future child’s life experience of me). I guess to put it another way, it starts with an egg (biology) but it ends with a person (and the mental health and life experience of that person).

At a basic level the feeling I’m having is ‘do I have kids or not’ however it’s a level past that. I think I want kid(s), but I have no clue what will be normal in the future and considering the statistics, the 35-40 age group could feel to my kid like the 30-35 category of my parents generation (which would be fine… my parents had me in that age range). However I don’t go to any new mum groups, and the numbers are just numbers…. So it’s useful to read that people in the groups at around my age are more ‘normal’, I’m really trying to work out if a child at 38 is ok for the child I guess… and the excessive amount of research I’ve done makes me worry less about age but reading research papers isn’t the same as the whole technicolour of life!

You don't need to consider what's "normal " for others.

Just decide on whether you would like to love and care for a child and devote the resources, time and responsibility to raising them to be a decent adult.

Why are you over complicating things?

Why are you over complicating things?

This.

Your posts are hard to follow.

It seems like you are over-thinking what's right for this currently-hypothetical child.

If you want a baby, and feel ready emotionally, financially & practically, and in your relationship, then go ahead. No need to think beyond that.

Is your question really "what's the impact of having older parents"?

Honestly, I think you are looking at it in a very odd way.

Literally the only thing that matters is 1) do you want children and 2) your declining fertility. If the answer to the first is yes then you need to start trying now.

All this mental gymnastics sounds like avoidance tactics.

Either get on with it or don't op. The gym machine can't really predict hour age. Your child will view you as Mum and whatever age you are will be normal.

There's pros and cons and no guarantees to anything. You can't guarantee the perfect childhood if only you get pregnant at the correct age. I'm 38 (today) and pregnant. I also have a 17 year old. This baby's upbringing will necessarily be different than his siblings' - better in some ways, worse in others probably. Life is unpredictable. We just do the best we can each day and make choices about the priorities that are important to us.

You are nearly 38, if you envisage your future including a child of your own, then now is the time to make the best choice you can.

Do you have a time machine? No? Then you can't change the fact that you didn't have a baby earlier so the only thing you can do is work out if you want a baby and tbh if you do, I'd get off the pill asap and get cracking.

I doubt any one feels their age. My nan died in her 90s and always said she felt about 35. I'm 40, I live a completely different life to the life my DP led at 40. They had a teenager (me), I'm pregnant with my second. I don't know how old most of my mum mates are, we're all too busy kid wrangling and having a laugh.

Op, if you want kids, get on with it asap. You have no idea how long it might take, so theologising about what age cohort you might end up in, is just stalling and a waste of time.