I can’t place ‘38’

[LittleOwl2]

Hi everyone,

I’m 38 in September, my long term boyfriend/partner is 34. We’ve started talking seriously about kids and I’ve read nearly all of it starts with an egg etc.

What I’m really struggling is the number 38! I know fertility starts to decline etc… but I’m thinking more about the actual age to ‘become a mum’ rather than biology. In my mind, 35 feels ok/‘normal’…. 40 feels a ‘bit too old, but maybe’. My partners Dad was 42 when he was born (his mum is 10 years younger)… my partner used to say he didn’t want to be a dad ‘that old’ like his dad.

I think I imagined starting at about 35 but then covid etc. so any thoughts went away (plus partner is younger) and now the urge is pretty strong… but I’m struggling to place my age. I do not feel 38 at all… I still feel about 28! (Just more confident and happy with myself than I was at 28…. Machine at the gym said I’m 22 too!)

Someone from school on my Facebook has a 14 year old girl… made me wonder if I’ve left it too late….I was both single and not ready at 24! But I feel old in comparison… and the more I ‘spy’ on school friends on Facebook the older I feel!! Nearly everyone has kids most in their early-mid 30s (most have ‘kids’ as opposed to ‘teens’).

At the other end of my circle, at work I know someone who had no.1 at 38 & no.2 at 40. Someone else has her 3rd at 40 (DD1&2 are 18 and 16). Someone else has her little boy as a whoops baby at 37 (by the time she found out she had broken up with the Dad.. but he’s actively involved in his sons life, he’s a good Dad). So at work I feel ‘normal’!

My close friends vary… a few don’t want kids, one has just had ivf to have a baby alone, one unexpectedly found out she was pregnant at 33 weeks, another was ‘tricked’ into becoming a Dad (long term girlfriend said she was on the pill, she wasn’t. He has a 10 year old who he adores but he struggles with relationships now) Another has two boys (8&5) etc.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post… I guess I’m wondering, for kids born now…. What is 38… I’m half way between my ‘feels ok’ number and my ‘feels a bit old number’!

If you started today you'd still be hitting their teenage years during your menopause. Teenage hormones and menopause are a challenge I'm living daily.

The earlier you start the better, you'll need all the energy you can muster!

You’re overthinking this. If you both want a child, start trying NOW because you don’t know how many fertile years you’ll have left. That’s it, that’s all you need to think about. If you want one, try to conceive.

You're really overthinking this. Just get on and have a baby if you want one.

I agree with pps that you are overthinking.

Fwiw, all but one of the Mums in my NCT group were mid to late 30s. I know very few people who had babies in their 20s.

I started trying at 36 and got pregnant almost immediately. Then again at 38 but it took nearly two years to conceive again. Wasn't my ideal plan, but that's how life turned out. I think I'm a much better Mum than I would have been in my 20s.

Stop overthinking.
I had my dc at 37 and 40. DH is 5 years younger than me.
neither time was I the oldest mum at nursery etc
You are right to be mindful of your age, but only yiu know if you want children.

When I turn 38 I will have a 17 year old.

However I'm by far the outlier amongst friends, family and school mums.

My youngest is 5 and the vast majority of school mums are older than me and the 5 year old is their eldest. It's far more usual ime to see first time mums at circa 40 than a decade or two earlier.

I’m really trying to work out if a child at 38 is ok for the child I guess

Yes, it’s absolutely not abnormal or old these days. For your future child, you won’t be like a grandparent at the school gates.

But ‘probably’ isn’t much of a ringing endorsement to the ‘Do I want s child?’ question. So decide that urgently.

Had my second just shy of 39. It's been fine, not that different than when I had my first at 33. I probably feel the sleep deprivation more, but that could be down to having two dc rather than my age. So in my experience, 38 is not too old.

Hi OP I had my first baby last year and there were only 2 of us in the group of 10 below 36, all of the other first time mums were between 36 and 42

NCT group I should of said

Some people find it hard to put a theoretical cut off on things. So say you start trying now, think about what you're prepared to do if it's not straightforward (would you do IVF or other fertility treatments, how many times?) and is there an age where you would stop? For some people this helps put a boundary on the 'possibility'. For others it's a case of keeping going until all possibilities have been explored etc. You know yourself now and can talk with your partner. Think about whether a boundary would help?

I meant to say some people find it helpful to put a boundary on it. Some people of course find it hard too.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthcharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2020

In 2020, the standardised mean age of mothers remained unchanged from 2019 at 30.7 years; ending an 11-year run of consecutive increases. The standardised mean age of fathers increased slightly from 33.6 years to 33.7 years between 2019 and 2020. Both are record highs since data collection began.

If you look at the actual data set, there were something like 118,000 babies born to mothers aged between 35-39.

What is 38… I’m half way between my ‘feels ok’ number and my ‘feels a bit old number’!

You are assuming that you’ll get pregnant straight away and have no miscarriages.
I would spend less time pondering and more time cracking on with having sex.

You know this already.
Your eggs don't feel like they're 24. They're 38.
Being an older parent is going to be a fact for you. And your potential children. The longer you spend fretting over it the older you're getting.
Maybe you don't really want kids but want to find reasons for it.. it's a valid choice to remain child free.

Your eggs might feel like they’re older than 38. I had DC at 36, started trying for no.2 at 38, without success, had really irregular periods and after investigations, was told at 41 that I had ‘the ovaries of a 55 year old’ and no ovarian reserve. And apparently was incredibly lucky that I managed to conceive DC. You just have no idea until you start trying to conceive.

Realistically, it’s fairly late biologically speaking, despite how you feel/look. It’s also normal, the women in my antenatal group were all mid-late 30s, I was the youngest.

Lots of women have kids in their 40s but obviously not everyone can, fertility wise.
If you want kids I would try now. It took me almost year to get pregnant.

P.s 38 is not late for the child, stop worrying about that.

38 is pretty old for a first time mum. Doesn't matter how old you feel, it's the age of your eggs that's important!

If you want kids, crack on now. Don't wait any longer, as it might be too late.

Well if you want to be a mum, you should crack on. As other posters have said fertility and time isn't on your side (I say this in the nicest way possible!).

I had mine young, i have just turned the big 40 with a 22 and 17yr old. My colleague who i work closely with is also 40 and pregnant with her first after 3 years of trying to conceive.

Agree with PP, your posts read like a scattergun of thoughts and I think you're way overthinking this

Due to some health issues I had number 1 at 39 and number 2 at 41. I am about 5/6 years older than most of my nct group and the last of my friends to have children BUT we don't struggle financially as our careers are further forward than they would have been 5+ years ago.

I don't feel particularly old and don't ponder on 'when DC is x, I'll be x years old'. I'm a good mum, I know I am. And being 5/6 years older than I would have liked really doesn't matter to me or impact my ability to parent.

As someone upthread said, the only things that matter are 1) do you want children? 2) are you ready now?

Also agree that you may not get pregnant straight away, most couples take 6+ months

Once you have kids, I found you mix with a wider range of ages - and you often just don’t know exactly how old your kids’ friends’ parents are.

If it’s helpful - my DD is 10. I reckon the age range of the mothers in her class (of 10 year olds) is 35-55. Most people are mid 40s. My friend, whose son is a similar age, would say 30-50. Different in different areas, across different socioeconomic groups etc etc. But being “in your 30s” is unlikely to make you stand out wildly as a mother of a baby. As others have said, your age isn’t something you need to think about too much at this point.

I'm not really sure what you're asking, but I had my only child at 38 and felt that was the right time FOR ME, which is the only thing that matters. There is no 'perfect' time.

If you want a child start now. It took me 2 years and two miscarriages before a successful pregnancy, and I don't think that's unusual for someone in their late 30s.

I'm 38 (39 next week) and am currently being tested for early menopause. Came as a shock. I have 2 children (17 and 9) and know I don't want more but it's made grateful that I had them when younger. If I did want more now I wouldn't feel "too old ". Maybe find out what age your Mum was when she went through the menopause. That's been the main question through all my tests.

Last night I was watching cricket with a group of mums I met 14 years or so ago when our DC were babies. There is 16 years between us! One mum is still only 35, I’m 51. We all have children the same age. It’s very levelling.