I can’t place ‘38’

[LittleOwl2]

Hi everyone,

I’m 38 in September, my long term boyfriend/partner is 34. We’ve started talking seriously about kids and I’ve read nearly all of it starts with an egg etc.

What I’m really struggling is the number 38! I know fertility starts to decline etc… but I’m thinking more about the actual age to ‘become a mum’ rather than biology. In my mind, 35 feels ok/‘normal’…. 40 feels a ‘bit too old, but maybe’. My partners Dad was 42 when he was born (his mum is 10 years younger)… my partner used to say he didn’t want to be a dad ‘that old’ like his dad.

I think I imagined starting at about 35 but then covid etc. so any thoughts went away (plus partner is younger) and now the urge is pretty strong… but I’m struggling to place my age. I do not feel 38 at all… I still feel about 28! (Just more confident and happy with myself than I was at 28…. Machine at the gym said I’m 22 too!)

Someone from school on my Facebook has a 14 year old girl… made me wonder if I’ve left it too late….I was both single and not ready at 24! But I feel old in comparison… and the more I ‘spy’ on school friends on Facebook the older I feel!! Nearly everyone has kids most in their early-mid 30s (most have ‘kids’ as opposed to ‘teens’).

At the other end of my circle, at work I know someone who had no.1 at 38 & no.2 at 40. Someone else has her 3rd at 40 (DD1&2 are 18 and 16). Someone else has her little boy as a whoops baby at 37 (by the time she found out she had broken up with the Dad.. but he’s actively involved in his sons life, he’s a good Dad). So at work I feel ‘normal’!

My close friends vary… a few don’t want kids, one has just had ivf to have a baby alone, one unexpectedly found out she was pregnant at 33 weeks, another was ‘tricked’ into becoming a Dad (long term girlfriend said she was on the pill, she wasn’t. He has a 10 year old who he adores but he struggles with relationships now) Another has two boys (8&5) etc.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post… I guess I’m wondering, for kids born now…. What is 38… I’m half way between my ‘feels ok’ number and my ‘feels a bit old number’!

I don't get why you're asking this.

We all know people women in their 40s having kids. You say you don't feel old. You're probably not (shouldn't) base your life decisions on what others think.

You already know it's 'normal' these days. 38 year olds aren't the ones getting shamed for being pregnant at their age (unless you maybe look older or a lot younger). So... yes crack on, nobody is batting an eyelid (nor should they towards older or younger).

Your mind is going round and round in panic mode. It doesn't matter what other people do. It doesn't matter really when you plan to get pregnant as it might happen immediately, in a year's time after you start, or, it might not happen without help. If you want a baby, throw all the wondering and dithering out of the window and start trying because it's not too late but it is latER.

@LittleOwl2

what you were wondering/asking was abundantly clear, as was the fact you know you don't have a time machine!!

your child won't see you as 'older' parents, you won't see yourselves as 'older' parents. Your ages are far more 'normal' than when you were kids.

yes you will wish you'd done it when you were younger & sleepless nights didn't bother you so much.

but you won't wish you'd chosen not to now because of that.

stop worrying, start making babies x

@LittleOwl2 I had my DD when I was 35, I'm now 41 and 29 weeks pregnant but I've had 3 miscarriages in between having my DD and this pregnancy. I do worry about being an older parent, but I lost my dad to cancer when I was 18. He was 24 when he had me and died at the age of 42, so nothing is guaranteed when it comes to age and longevity...

If you get pregnant at 38, you won’t be the oldest mum on the school pickups. You might be the oldest first time mum. Most of your DCs friends will likely have younger siblings. Some much younger. But that shouldn’t necessarily put you off.

OP, all you've done so far is compare yourself to others. Everybody has different situations. Screw what everyone else is doing!

I'm 40 in a few days and 34 weeks pregnant. My daughter is two. I didn't meet the right partner until I was 36 and before that I was in a very bad place mentally and wouldn't have coped anyway. If I compared myself to a lot of other people, I would have ended up getting a sperm donor at 34 and had a child on my own that I could not have raised emotionally, physically or financially by myself. Not a chance.

As it turned out, I waited, and now I have a family as I very rapidly approach my 40s and nobody, NOT ONE PERSON has said or insinuated that I'm too old.

If you want to try for a baby with the right person, got for it but don't hang about for too long as none of us know how long it might take to conceive (if we're lucky enough) naturally at any age. There is NEVER a right time to have a baby. There will ALWAYS be questions over ability to cope, finances, housing, childcare etc etc.

If you decide to go ahead, then I wish you the best of luck.

I don't really get what you are asking. You can't change what age you are and you are only going to get older. In terms o

In terms of having a baby it doesn't really matter how old you feel, it's your biological age that matters and although it's more common now, 40 is still fairly late for a first baby, if you experience problems conceiving you could find yourself running out of time.

I had my first baby at 35 and my third at 39. I'm by no means the oldest mum at the school gates but I'm far from the youngest.

I had my daughter at 36, and was concerned we would be the oldest in our antenatal group. However, we were slap bang in the middle (ages spanned from 29 to 43). My midwife at the time said that most of the people she was seeing were over 35, and Iver 40 was pretty common. Baby groups were similar- 30 upwards (not that you ask, TBH. Age is just a number and there are more interesting things to talk about).

That said, it's all dependant on exactly where you are. The above is true for my suburb of SE London, but other places trend differently.

I would say it's worth making some kind of plan- if you encounter issues, it can take a long time to get help, and your age may go against you if you tip into your 40s (though my 42 year old friend just conceived first try, and my 25 year old one has had to seek help, so it's the luck of the draw).

In terms of people my age (am 39 now) that I know, they have kids from 3 months to 21. Life is what it is :)

most of my friendship group had babies late 30s early 40s

my husband is 44 and we have a 1 year old and honestly i never even thought about his age as an issue!

just relax a bit :)

i had my first at 38 and second at 41

My NDN had a baby at 49. She and her DH had been trying for over 10 years - IVF etc.

Look, are you in a stable relationship which would love, care and provide for a baby?
Would you like a baby?
You are 38 - you need to crack on

I had my son the week after I turned 43!

Feel the same as you, happy with one. He’s nearly 6 now, no regrets about not going back for more IVF.

I agree, you need to start trying now if you want a child .

Very nicely put.

Perhaps I’d add that the “you” should be thought of in the plural though- do you as a couple want a child?

You should also think seriously about whether you would be OK with one or are someone who feels that children need siblings. If the latter you’re either going to end up having a child in your forties anyway, or you’ll have secondary infertility and spend a lot of time worrying about not having given your first one a sibling.

40 is an age when most women can’t even conceive naturally

Are you a scientist or statistician @CharlotteOH? I don’t think that there is any evidence that more than 50% (“most”) women are unable to conceive at 40. Many are, but not “most”.

If you want a baby, have a baby! You’re 38. So? Some pregnant women will be younger than you, some older. It’s all irrelevant, as is the fact you feel 28.

Think if you want a baby, think about if you plan to have a second - and get trying! 38 isn’t old. I’m older than that and I’d love to be 38 again 😄

The important thing is there’s no ‘right time’ to have a baby. If you’re sitting there waiting for everything to line up before you start trying, you’ll be childless. Things never line up - but it doesn’t matter.

No good advice but I know exactly what you mean op! Feel like I am in a similar boat

@LittleOwl2 so just to let you know my fertility history

1 MC
DS1 at 35
3 MCs
DS2 at 37

I felt totally 'normal' about having DC at these ages. What I didn't factor in was how many MCs I would have. By the 4th one, I was thinking DS1 would be an only child as I didn't know how many more I could go through.

You might not be successful in conceiving for a while so you might have to make a decision soon and just give it a go

OMG OP. Enough over analysing. If you want a child, do it now. Start this month. Stop worrying about possibly being too old/not feeling ready.

What’s the penal age?!

I had my son at 35, I was the youngest in my antenatal class.