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Original poster

3 year old still hates nursery after 8 months... wwyd?

53 replies

Swaddleblanket · 12/07/2022 06:01

She has been going for 8 months one day a week and although she seems ok when she is there, it’s hell the night before and the morning of nursery. She wakes in the night crying begging me not to take her the next day then the morning off she cries, begs and pleads to not go. She is 3 and will be 4 in January. Shes an only child and I’m a Sahm although her dad takes her to nursery because I find it too hard and she tends to calm more with her dad. It seems the reason is she doesn’t want to leave me and although she settles once she’s dropped off, it’s like she tolerates it and then when we pick her up she bursts into tears with relief. We sort of expected this because she’s only ever been with us and not left with anyone else but it’s not almost 8 months and she’s not finding it easier.

i wonder if I should take her out but then she’s only got a year until she starts school where there is no choice. Equally I don’t like making her do something she so clearly hates.

what would you do? Have you had any experience with this and overcome it?

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underneathleaf · 12/07/2022 06:07

I would be looking at a new nursery rather than just pulling her out.

icklekid · 12/07/2022 06:08

One day a week can be very hard to settle however after 8 months I agree I would look elsewhere or for a preschool set up that are often more relaxed than nurseries?

1AngelicFruitCake · 12/07/2022 06:09

Could she do two or three mornings so it’s not as long but it’s more often so she can get used to it?

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PeanutButterOnToad · 12/07/2022 06:10

I have used a number of nurseries and childcare settings over the years (3 kids) and the one thing they have all had in common was that they insisted on a minimum of two days a week. Everyone said (and I agree) that for a small child once a week makes it very hard to find the setting familiar and get comfortable there. Children have very little concept of time so for them a week feels like forever. Even though it may feel counterintuitive maybe see if adding a day would help?

Gogster · 12/07/2022 06:13

How do they know it's nursery in the morning?

supersonicginandtonic · 12/07/2022 06:13

Could you look for another nursery and then possibly look at her doing a few mornings rather than a full day?
I used to run a day nursery and many children (not all) struggled with just 1 day per week. It's such a long time until their next session they never settle properly. This way would also help prepare her for school and it wouldn't be as big of a shock, ehen she starts 5 days per week.
Have you got any family or friends, that you can also start leaving her with? Just for an hour or so, here and there. To get her used to being left with other people.
It's so hard watching your children grow up and what is right for one child, isn't right for another.

CustardCreamm · 12/07/2022 06:15

As others have mentioned, a week between going would feel like an eternity to a toddler! I would also suggest an additional day or more mornings and see if that helps?

Ebonyhorse · 12/07/2022 06:22

One day a week is not enough.

Annoymousy · 12/07/2022 06:24

I was also going to say that one day a week makes it hard for kids to settle. Some nurseries say a minimum of two days for that reason.

Does it need to be one full day? Can you do three half days, for example? But, personally, either way, I’d be doing that in a new nursery.

MintJulia · 12/07/2022 06:27

Try a different nursery.

I had to find a full time child minder when ds was two so Icould return to work. The first one, he didn't like and would protest, the second he treated like his second home.🙂

Numbat2022 · 12/07/2022 06:29

She needs to go more often, definitely. Ours doesn't let you do less than two sessions per week.

My son goes four days a week and loves nursery, but gets upset about going back after a week off. Even after a long weekend he's more clingy than usual. It's such a long time for them.

EmmajR86 · 12/07/2022 06:29

Bloody hell

8 months? That is a good proportion of her entire life that she has been very unhappy about something.

not to put too finer point on it - Hell yes look for an alternative! I would not take her back. I would find another one and would try two days a week, as one means she’s unlikely to get get in to the swing of things

CrabbyCat · 12/07/2022 06:35

How big a setting is it? I've done one day a week with my generally shy older two DC - but it needs to be a smaller setting. That way they aren't as overwhelmed, and there aren't as many other children for them to get to know. I'd also agree more half days would be better.

Dippydinosaurus · 12/07/2022 06:42

If you know what primary school you'll apply for try and get her into the school nursery. It'll make it easier for reception as she'll be used to the school and make friends. They will do morning and afternoon sessions too

Mindymomo · 12/07/2022 06:46

My second son was an easygoing friendly boy who loved playgroups as long as I was there, he would go off and sit with anyone, so we thought at nursery he would be ok. He absolutely hated it on his own, I could get him there ok, but once in he would cry so much. He only did 2 half days each week. I’m afraid when he started school it only got slightly better, then after school breaks, he was the same. It did help when he started to get invited to playdates at friends houses and in turn we had his friends at our house.

DistrictCommissioner · 12/07/2022 06:47

I haven’t read the responses so probably repeating things. I had a DC who never settled at nursery around the same age. To do this day (she’s nearly 11 now) she still remembers her dislike & distress going there. In retrospect I would have pulled her out, we didn’t need the childcare & it wasn’t worth it. The following year she went to the school nursery which was 3 hours a day 5 times a week, & that was fine for her.

Twizbe · 12/07/2022 06:50

I'd look for another setting and I'd do more mornings.

1 day a week isn't long enough for her to feel bonds with the other children or teachers.

My daughter is the same age and does 4 mornings at preschool. Next year she'll do 5 mornings there to get ready for school.

My son did the same (though interrupted by covid a bit) and it really helped prep him for school.

AdriannaP · 12/07/2022 06:51

I would move her to a nice pre-school 2-3 mornings a week. One day is not enough to properly settle.

BigYellowElephant · 12/07/2022 06:51

Agree with everyone else, 1 day makes it very hard to settle but also, definitely change nurseries as she's clearly not happy there. I started DD2 when she turned 2 and I was pregnant, she did 3 mornings while she settled in (3 hour sessions) then after a few months we switched to one slightly longer day once she was happy to go in. She absolutely loves it now and asks to go when we walk past it. She's 3.5 and is very much attached to me (cosleeps, never had a sleepover with family, still breastfed etc) so it's definitely possible for them to settle in a nursery environment if you find the right one.

BigYellowElephant · 12/07/2022 06:53

@Dippydinosaurus not all primary schools have nurseries unfortunately, ours doesn't and actually very few in our area do

FogoInn · 12/07/2022 06:53

Yes I agree with others. The one day a week may well be the problem. It's not enough of a routine for her, like she's starting afresh every time. Lots of nurseries have a minimum of 2 days.
I'd see if you can increase to 2 days (even if it's 2 half days).
For the year before school 3 x half days would be better, get her into an established routine

Original poster

Swaddleblanket · 12/07/2022 07:48

So much good advice here thank you! She knows it’s nursery because of our routine on her nursery days, her dad is off whereas he normally works.

The other thing I don’t know how to manage is how we approach it with her because I don’t know if I just be talking about nursery ahead of time because it just upsets her or whether I should just not mention it and then on the morning just wait until she’s dressed and then talk about it. Most of the tome though she does bring it up on her nursery day she says things like asking me to call nursery to say she can’t go and don’t make me go today mummy I want to stay with you (all whilst hysterically crying)

OP posts:

aletterfromseneca · 12/07/2022 08:00

I used to work within a nursery and obviously getting them settled and comfortable was a really important (and sometimes difficult) part of the work. One day a week seems, counterintuitively, too little to me. It’d be hard for her to settle.

Another thing to consider is your reaction to the crying. Your behaviour and demeanour and reaction massively informs her and gives her a lot of cues. Are you excited and up beat for nursery and talking about how wonderful it’s going to be and trying to get her excited for it? Or are you apologising for sending her there? Basically: what might she think you think about nursery? If you are happy on her behalf (easier said than done facing a crying child I know) she might be more excited about it.

the third thing is: is it the right nursery? I feel that if you are hear asking about this you don’t seem to have any suspicions that she’s in conflict with an adult or other child there.

Original poster

Swaddleblanket · 12/07/2022 08:38

We are upbeat and positive and talk about her friends and have a nursery book we read, talk about her day and have asked them to give us extra updates so we can talk about exactly what she’s done and can look forward to. She just gets really upset and says no don’t want to go. I find it hard to know how to talk about it with her.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 12/07/2022 08:44

Take her out. School is a long way away and a different kettle of fish altogether. She’ll be older, she’ll go every day and it’ll be a different set up. As a pp said, 8 months is a long time to be upset about something when you are 3….

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