3 year old still hates nursery after 8 months... wwyd?

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She has been going for 8 months one day a week and although she seems ok when she is there, it’s hell the night before and the morning of nursery. She wakes in the night crying begging me not to take her the next day then the morning off she cries, begs and pleads to not go. She is 3 and will be 4 in January. Shes an only child and I’m a Sahm although her dad takes her to nursery because I find it too hard and she tends to calm more with her dad. It seems the reason is she doesn’t want to leave me and although she settles once she’s dropped off, it’s like she tolerates it and then when we pick her up she bursts into tears with relief. We sort of expected this because she’s only ever been with us and not left with anyone else but it’s not almost 8 months and she’s not finding it easier.

i wonder if I should take her out but then she’s only got a year until she starts school where there is no choice. Equally I don’t like making her do something she so clearly hates.

what would you do? Have you had any experience with this and overcome it?

My son didnt settle at nursery until he went more often. We found he was happiest with 5 short days. Is there a more traditional 3 hour a day playschool she coud do?

Agree with everyone else that one day a week just isn't enough for her to settle. Does the school that she will be going to have a preschool? If it does then I would really recommend sending her there for a few mornings a week instead.

I would take her out, or move her to a different nursery.

You are a SAHM and there is no need for her to be in this setting where she has made it clear she does not want to be. End it now.

Don't worry about school to come - she will mature. She's not ready for this.

This. Even waiting 6 months could make a difference.

My DD enjoys nursery because she’s got friends there and though they are only 3 to 5 years old they seem to have a very full social life! They have long running make believe scenarios and things. So I feel it would be hard for her to maintain those friendships if she was just there for one day a week, and had to fit into the other children’s ongoing games and groups.

Look for a different nursery and put her in 2 or 3 mornings. Ideally the school preschool if they have one. I have been in a similar situation twice. First time was a private nursery, my daughter settled better than yours had but still wasn't enthusiastic about going in. We moved her to a new setting and within two weeks she was asking if she could go to nursery more. Second time, second child, exactly the same thing but she didn't settle at all and was very much like how you describe your daughter to be. We lasted about 3 weeks before pulling her out and finding a new preschool which she loved going to. No matter what the Ofsted rating or prestige a nursery has, sometimes it's just not the right fit for your child. I wouldn't send her back at all if she doesn't want to go that badly.

Either up the days or take her out. 1 day a week isn't working.

Is her dad off on her nursery day or just at home to do the nursery run? She might think she's missing out on some fun. I've got a nursery drop off crier and actually I think you need to do some so she sees that you leave her and then come back.

Perhaps a big problem is (and I might be wrong), she’s telling you she’s unhappy and you’re trying to tell her she isn’t unhappy.

Sometimes, kids double down if they don’t feel heard. If she says, “I hate it!” So you could reply, “wow you really sound like you’re unhappy with what’s going on there”. If you’re always persuading her not to hate it, she might be saying it more and louder because you’re not acknowledging her?

But I actually think you really need to take her out and find an alternative. It sounds like it’s really causing her a lot of stress.

I feel in my heart the problem isn’t the nursery it’s leaving me. Me often co sleep, she’s with me all of the time if I go upstairs she wants to come with me, she’s always been this way as she has never been left. I feel like I need to work on this rather than moving her nurseries but I do wonder if it’s right for her. I would have taken her out the first day she went and didn’t like it, but her dad believes we should keep it up for consistency and to prepare her for school. I do sort of agree but also she is still a baby in the grand scheme and the comments here about her being unhappy for so long I agree with she should be happy and relaxed with no worries because she’s only 3.

Is there a local playgroup she could try instead? They tend to just be for a couple of hours 2 or 3 times a week.

Otherwise you could give her a break for the summer and try again either same nursery or another one and with more sessions?

I know it's not same issue but one of mine went to swimming lessons age 4. Cried every week, made no progress despite everyone telling me what a great swimming teacher she had and how well theirs had all done.
I took her out after 2 terms, gave her a break for a few months then tried somewhere else. She loved it and never looked back

Hi OP. I'd definitely look to move settings, and change to maybe 2 or 3 morning sessions per week. Is there a local preschool she could go to where there will be a new intake in September i.e. a few of them will start together rather than her trying to break into established friendships once a week? I agree you need to work on her being happier being away from you, school will be a massive shock if she goes from 1 day a week nursery to 5 days a week school.

Both of mine hated nursery with a passion, I used to leave each morning in tears. With hindsight I should have just taken them out, and I still kick myself whenever I think of it and they're 14 and 10 now! Knowing what I know now, I would take her out. Compulsory education will come soon enough.

I can’t get my head around seeing my 3 year old like this for 8 months and not doing anything earlier. As in much much earlier

Find a new nursery and use all your free hours. Don't send her on the day her dad has off work. Why would you do that?

I think I’d look for a new nursery
and I’d switch to half days. Nothing all week then a big long day away may be too much.
can you do two half days split across the week?
id also try to do other things in the week where she is away from you, even if it’s just with dad for an hour or two for a walk, the park, it doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. Just do little frequent breaks from you and she’ll see she’s
ok.
and I’d look at building up her confidence and independence when she is with you.

can you look at some Montessori activities
or fun things she can do without you - just going off and playing at a playground, or activities with other children her age where her world isn’t completely centred on her tie to you.

are there any other reasons she may be unsettled?

One day a week is not great for continuity or routine plus naturally makes it a longer day. 3 short mornings in a row would be far better for her in this respect

OP I hope you are reading and digesting the answers here. That there isn't a magic technique to fix your dds anxiety about nursery with the current arrangement of a full day once a week. It's not likely to be helping "get her ready for school". so take her out, consider a different setting for only a few hours but more frequently, or just wait until she goes to school. I had a nursery refuser where he was crying in his sleep about how unhappy he was. I took him out - I was part-time and went with a nanny-share instead. He had no problems starting school.
Also perhaps you need to assert yourself with your OH as it sounds like he's driving this.....

In agreement with many posters here.

One full day is actually too little - I'm really surprised the nursery agreed to this.

Move settings to 'play school' (that is you call it something different) and I would say 3 mornings a week works best.

Let her have a small break between the two settings and big up the school element of her next setting and her being a big girl. Then restart.

The school we hope to send her to doesn’t have a pre school.

For those commenting, I haven’t been sending her for 8 months unhappy she had a few months in the middle where she was wanting to go but then we had a 2 week holiday and since then (2 months ago) we’ve been back to the first couple of months where she hates it and cries. It’s so hard to know what to do because EVERYONE tells me she needs to go more and consistently, the nursery say this, friends and family but all I want to do is keep her home because nursery is all for her that’s the thing it’s not for child care or for me it’s for her. Everyone tells me the right thing is to keep her in and keep it consistent and up her days and this is where I’m conflicted

Ah ok. So yes, now you've said she was fine before your holiday, I'd def say you need to up the time.

Try 3 morning sessions and see how she goes. At the moment she just doesn't have the time to settle in properly and it's taking weeks to settle rather than days.

It doesn't matter what everyone else says OP. Your DD is not everyone's else's child. There's one thing I've learnt as a parent, and that is to parent the child you are given, not the mythical child from the parenting books, or your friends and families children or whatever. All children are so different, and what works for one really doesn't for another. There is no wrong answer. As long as you listen to your child (their behaviour as well as what they tell you) and are responsive to them as an individual it will work out.

Hi OP. I work in a nursery with the pre-schoolers (so your daughter's age). Other people are saying it but really, up the days. In my experience the kids who are with us one day a week find it so much harder to relax and enjoy it than the kids we have even two or three days. It's like the nursery day is a weird oddity in their routine, rather than just part of the week. More time there usually solves the problem. Hope it improves 💐

I'd pull her out if she were mine. In fact, i did , took dd òut of the nursery she hated and went on to homeschool her and her brother until they were about 9. They don't have to go, and it's way too young, imo, to be thinking about preparing them for school.

Everyone tells me the right thing is to keep her in and keep it consistent and up her days and this is where I’m conflicted

the advice on this thread is pretty unanimous.