Can someone with autism lead a 'normal' life?

[meg1209]

Hi,

My son is nearly 2 and being assessed for autism, he babbles but doesn't talk and stims. He also completely ignores everyone. Although he has no restrictive behaviours etc. (just yet, I'm not sure if this changes).

Over the last few days I've just been getting so upset as the future is so unknown. I know that this is the case for every single person, autism or not. But I just want to know, if he does get diagnosed, what is the likelihood he will lead a relatively 'normal' life.

When I say 'normal' I mean - go to mainstream school, have consistent friends/ relationships with others, be able to communicate and do things independently?

I just want him to have everything in life and have his own independence and experiences. Please tell me that this is possible for him, I love him so much ❤️

There are plenty of people with Autism who do lead a normal life OP. Have a look for local Autism charity groups in your area and see if there's a specialised playgroup or Nursery. You'll get to meet other parents with DC who have ASD and possibly some adults as well

I've asd and adhd and I lead a fairly normal life. I've a dp , a dc, my own home and I'm getting married. Work and school have been my only difficulties but I wasn't diagnosed until last year, so I had no idea why these things were difficult for me. Once my dc are old enough I'm hoping to attempt to work again 🙃

You are not me or my parents, but perhaps it's useful to tell you about this anyway. I'm autistic. I do not have a normal life. I do have a happy life. I only found happiness in my thirties when I finally let go of the crushing sense of failure created by my beloved parents' (and my inherited) intense desire for me to be normal.

I have a great job (in tech because I'm a cliche) and I have friends. I do things I love. They are not very normal things but I love them. My life is weird and happy.

I failed at mainstream education. I couldn't always speak. I can't cope with the supermarket or deal with a burglar alarm or a tiled restaurant. But you know what, the problem was those constraints, those unecessary conditions tagged on to success. Don't set yourself and your child up for failure. Think deeply about what you really want. Do you want him to be normal or do you want him to be happy. You probably can't have both. You probably can have one.

Lots of people with autism have normal lives. I think most people with autism are taught in mainstream. Many are married with jobs in adulthood.

Lots of adults with autism also say they have their own way of happiness and meaning compared to people without autism. So life might not look how you expect it to look, but its still more fullfilling to them than copying 'normal' would be.

Some adults with autism continue to need care all their lives. Its normal for them.

You will love and fight for your child whatever the future holds.

I have a partner who is autistic

I wouldn’t deceive his life as normal but he is happy and has had a full life with friends, children and now they are grown, time to indulge in his obsessions.

He is a funny cookie for sure and our relationship is far from standard but it brings us both enormous joy and fulfilment.

when my dd was diagnosed with a disability, I really wanted to meet adults with the condition to get the reassurance you seek here but the truth is society has a changed so much since those adults were kids. Your kid is diagnosed young and will have a lifetime of support and understanding that want available to my partner 40 years ago.

they will be fine, they will have challenges and they will work it out with your love and support.

get yourself involved in local groups, connect with other families, not just for social reasons but when you need to know what help and support is available for your kid these are the people who will know!

Why's a normal life?

Lots of NT people have differing interest and experiences.

My ds is autistic. He has a life that I suppose most would consider normal. He's a national level para swimmer and trains and attends college.

However he has severe problems with executive function and doesn't go out alone or travel alone as many 17yo would.

But he's happy for the most part like most other humans.

One of the best things about having a partner with autism is that when I tell him how it is for/with me he takes that as absolute and sticks to completely.

this works very well for me because I am super honest and upfront, in the past partners have tried to second guess what I mean by what I say but I mean exactly what I say and he takes me at my word. It’s very refreshing for us both.

he loves that I indulge his obsessions instead of shutting them down and I love that he feels he can show me his pocket rocks and make his funny noises without fear of being shamed but with joy of feeling seen and understood.

normal isn’t always best for everyone, happy is what matters

Yes, you can. I have ASD. I am married, I have a successful and enjoyable career. I've climbed the ladder too - not tech but engineering (poss also a cliché). I enjoyed learning at school, I enjoyed university. I do have some friends but that's my bit of struggle in life. I've got a reputation for being quite blunt, but then I know some NT people who are far more 'plain-spoken' than I am! No kids, but I'm not keen on them anyway. Also I'm a bit clumsy but I've met lots of other butterfingers.

I'm autistic. Life is hard. I don't think I cope well with home admin, kids, school, husband. I don't work or drive but I think those are down to anxiety and nerves not autism.

Is autism a learning disability?

My 11yo DD was diagnosed this year. Like your DS at 2 she wasn't talking and there were other signs.

She's leading a good life right now. She's very bright, passed the 11+ and is off to grammar school in September. She's got a nice group of friends. She is independent enough to walk 10 mins to and from school by herself.

There are things she struggles with, lots of anxiety and sensory issues and difficulty regulating her emotions. I think social communication might get harder for her through her teens. But I expect her to live a "normal" life in terms of education, work, family etc.

Not everybody with autism is the same obviously, DD would certainly be described as high functioning if they still used that term, it isn't an automatic barrier to a normal life.

I'm autistic and have what most would consider a good, almost normal life with a DH, DC and a good job. I do struggle with making close friends but have a few. I'll be honest school was hell but I think provision is a lot better now than it was 30ish years ago when I fell through the cracks of not needing special school but there being very limited support in mainstream unless you were struggling academically.

Yes. My DH was diagnosed at 4. I think his future was very unknown back then - it wasn't clear whether he would be high functioning or not. He went to mainstream schools. He's now married (obviously😄) and we have a beautiful baby boy. We have a lovely home which we own together and he has a full time job, which he is brilliant at (i know this as i'm also one of his colleagues).
I wish you and your son good luck for the future. It is a broad spectrum and anything is possible🙂

Hi, so sorry if I came across wrong. My absolute priority is that my son is happy, I think maybe I'm thinking about the things that make me happy and assuming that they will be the things that make him happy - which is wrong of me to do so.

I want to make sure I support him in everything he wants/needs and that make him happy, not matter what that may be.

Yes happiness is what I mean. I definitely worded myself incorrectly, I just want him to lead a happy life. Whatever that may be! We all struggle somewhat but that's ok

That's amazing! Well done to your DD 😊

May I ask if she did exhibit any other signs at 2? I know girls are a little harder to diagnose at a younger age. Thanks!

Yes. I went through my entire childhood without appearing on the radar of gps etc as girls are good at masking. I’ve managed through adulthood with ease. I can socialise well and people are shocked when they find out I’m autistic. I went to college to study law and did well in my GCSEs.
my son is 10 and autistic and is very sociable, he is on average for some of the subjects for his age. Only slightly behind on maths but has always attended extra school clubs and keen to interact with other children. He is into all of the same things a boy his age is so that’s possibly why he is quite sociable. The only trait I’ve found between the two of us which is difficult is obsessive behaviour and anxiety. However these are things many people that aren’t on the spectrum deal with. I know how hard it is when your children are at that age, worrying what the future looks like. It’s not as bleak as you think but those early days are daunting. My son has always been in mainstream school and only has the classroom teaching assistant help him, they would sit him at the front of the class to keep his attention. You will find it a long battle with the schools and education system but if you keep fighting you will learn more about his needs to make school easier for him.

Also my daughters the same age as your son and being assessed. I find this age more difficult if there’s a speech delay because you are in the limbo of are they or aren’t they.

They can. DH is autistic. He went ot a great uni, has had an interesting career and we are one of the most happily married couples I know (nearly 30 years.)

DS is autistic. He is having a great time at uni, has loads of friends, is getting excellent grades, living with only minimal support (e.g. extensions for all course work as he does fall behind.)

It's a massive spectrum. But I'd say the majority of people of what used to be the Aspbergers end of the spectrum live as well as any NT people, or better.

When I say 'normal' I mean - go to mainstream school, have consistent friends/ relationships with others, be able to communicate and do things independently?

I just want him to have everything in life and have his own independence and experiences. Please tell me that this is possible for him, I love him so much ❤️

As an autistic person I can only advise you stop thinking about 'normal' and learn what works for him. Friendships are not for me. They were forced throughout my childhood by family, through my teens and a lot of my adulthood by myself and what I really needed was the understanding that it was ok not to have these friendships. Please don't focus on what you think he should be doing, he is an individual and as he grows work out what is best for him.

Rather like @itsitsgettingweird, my D's is 15 and is very sporty. He is gifted at cricket. He plays for a normal adult team but also for his county in disability cricket, and I have recently found out he has been selected on to the England Disability Cricket,center training program. He has a great life. He has just left a special school. He did GCSE in Maths, double science and BTEC Food and Sport. He is going to college in September. He has friends. Many of them are also autistic. He gets obsessive about things, like his cricket, and swimming but this has enabled him to Excell on these sports. He is happy but can not go out alone or go on public transport. As well as autism he also has a moderate learning disability too. My advise would be to get him involved in any opportunities that come his way. Look at disabled sports. This may be an area he can also Excell.

Im autistic and so is my dp and kids. We have a pretty good long term relationship and we all have friends and are able to work. Life has had its struggles but theres loads of us out there. Its really impossible to say what his life will be like. My eldest is in his 20s and working and sees friends, has hobbies and loves his life. When he was little he was such a difficult kid in so many ways.
I know other autistic young people who live a fulfilling happy life and some that dont

My DS has a challenging life. Things are difficult for him. Sensory overload, crowds, things that fly, socks, emotions, medical appointments, pain,... everything seems more challenging for him. I often ask myself "would you swap him for another child." Absolutely not. He is incredible and I wouldn't change him. I wish life was not so difficult for him but my mantra is, for every drama, "I will make this ok."

I am so proud of him. As I truly believe you will be of your DS. Celebrate everything he is. Sometimes we are presented with a challenge that is so far from the tragedy it might seem to be. Hang in there.

I know, I'm sorry if I came across offensive at all. I think I need to focus on what makes him happy, not things that bring me happiness in life as they could be completely different.
When I say normal, I really mean happy. I would never want him to feel pressured into things that don't bring him joy just because I think it will! He will be supported no matter what

It's a neurological diversity isn't it but it can come with developmental delays.

This is a lovely response!