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Parenting

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Original poster

My friend's son is a nightmare and I don't want my daughter to play with him anymore

73 replies

scrabbledabbl · 26/06/2022 05:01

Hi all,

I am lying here awake wondering for some advice or thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position.

My best friend has a LB who is just a few months younger than my LG (nearly 5). Just after he turned 1 he started to hit. He would hit my LG a lot and even though it was difficult I kept meeting up as she's my best friend and I was desperate and lonely too suffering from PND.

Nearly 4 years later and there's just no improvement in his behaviour. He's worse if anything. What is actually worse is my friend before used to tell him off or get upset with his behaviour but now it's like she's either given up or just had some bad advice and become very defensive of him. He will literally smack and punch HER as well but she won't say anything to him. It's really shocking, I've tried to explain to her in a nice way that she needs to manage his behaviour for once and for all but it just goes in one ear out the other.

I recently found out from another friend that all the mums in the nursery he goes to have complained about how he has hit or pushed and even strangled their children. I mean what is going on? Surely the school should be doing something about it and how can my friend be so oblivious? She is very quick to defend him like "oh he's a good boy" and gets really annoyed when the school have previously commented on his behaviour.

What is one meant to do when their best friend is just not parenting their child properly or taking advice but still wants to meet you? Would you just take it on the chin and continue the friendship? Obviously it doesn't affect me personally but I don't want my daughter to learn from him or be in danger now that he's older he can really quite cause some damage....

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

rehc · 26/06/2022 05:08

Your daughters safety and well-being has to come first. If DF was making efforts to rectify behaviour I would be more lenient but given she's not I would message something like 'sorry DF, DD is finding it stressful when we meet up as she gets hit a lot, let's you and I meet up one evening soon when the kids are in bed'.

It won't go down well, but protecting your daughter needs to be priority

Sunbird24 · 26/06/2022 05:08

Can you arrange child-free meet ups with her? Sounds like you’ve already raised your concerns about his behaviour so it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise!

Original poster

scrabbledabbl · 26/06/2022 05:15

Child free meet ups are hard because she works full time and then in the evenings her husband works so she literally finishes work picks her LB from nursery and has him until her hubby comes home (this child doesn't sleep until like 10).

I feel so bad because she's one of my oldest friends and she doesn't have a lot of other friends at all - maybe one or two she isn't that close to and doesn't see regularly. So I feel like if I cut her off she would be very alone. But at same time I do feel almost angry that she's not doing anything about her son's behaviour.

Tough one!

OP posts:

winterfox78 · 26/06/2022 05:16

It's a tough one OP but it's also pretty straight forward.

I wouldn't have anymore playdates with this LB.

His mum needs to tell him not to hit.

I had a similar situation with a playgroup friend whose LG would hit other children and I got stopped having play dates as she didn't do anything.

Do what's best for your child at the end of the day.

scarletisjustred · 26/06/2022 05:17

I think you should not let your daughter play with this violent boy. I find it appalling you have let this go on for so long. How can you bear to see her being repeatedly hurt? I'd drop the mother as a friend. Before somebody starts going on about special needs, neither of my children were neurotypical and I would never have toletated this kind of behaviour from them.

scarletisjustred · 26/06/2022 05:22

Really its not odd that she has few friends. Not many people are okay about their child being battered while she looks on indulgently. Your primary duty is to safeguard your daughter not your friend's mental health.

custardbear · 26/06/2022 05:30

In all honesty I'd just see her evenings at her house and leave my child with my DH, it's unacceptable and think what it's teaching your child, it's ok to hit or be hit with no consequences - no!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2022 05:45

It may be tough but the path forward is obvious. You simply can't allow your daughter to be abused by this boy, and if the friendship ends, it ends. I've been in your exact situation many years ago so I know how unfortunate it is.

FrankGrillosFloof · 26/06/2022 05:49

You’ve mentioned several times about how bad you feel for your friend. You need to put your daughter first - start feeling bad for her and stop exposing her to this abuse.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2022 05:52

FrankGrillosFloof · 26/06/2022 05:49

You’ve mentioned several times about how bad you feel for your friend. You need to put your daughter first - start feeling bad for her and stop exposing her to this abuse.

Exactly. Your daughter is the one who needs your concern, not your friend.

StopStartStop · 26/06/2022 05:53

You've been letting some boy hit your daughter, for four years?
Stop!
You've betrayed your child horribly for the sake of your 'friend'.

theculture · 26/06/2022 06:00

Are you able to meet her with her LB and leave your LG at home or on her own play date, even occasionally?

Then you can keep contact, as she is obviously valuable to you as a friend, without impacting your LG

RewildingAmbridge · 26/06/2022 06:58

The strangling is a real concern, what's your friend's relationship like? She does need to set boundaries and without some children do hit, but his behaviour sounds extreme. I wonder what he's exposed to at home.
In the meantime if she's your best friend you need to be honest, I can't bring have around John anymore he hits her every time and it's really upsetting her, I can't put her in a position where I'm teaching her it's ok to accept being hurt.

OperaStation · 26/06/2022 07:06

StopStartStop · 26/06/2022 05:53

You've been letting some boy hit your daughter, for four years?
Stop!
You've betrayed your child horribly for the sake of your 'friend'.

This.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/06/2022 07:08

Honestly the friendship is over- distance yourself and encourage no kid meet ups, but ultimately it will end. If she asks just say her little one is becoming too physical. She will learn when no one wants to be around her child.

SummerPuddings · 26/06/2022 07:11

Perhaps suggest she have him assessed for autism/adhd?

parietal · 26/06/2022 07:16

The suggestion above to leave your DD at home and just visit her yourself seems like the only workable one.

Have you asked her directly if she has any concerns about her boy and his behaviour? Indirect comments will come across as passive aggressive but the starting point of a proper conversation on this needs to be with listening to her. If she can articulate the concerns then she can start to find a way to deal with them.

purplecorkheart · 26/06/2022 07:18

Your poor lg. You chose to let her get hurt because your priority was your friendship over her. She must have felt sick knowing she was going to see that boy and be hurt. Harsh I know but fair.

You need to stop this boy being around this little boy fullstop.
Regardless whether the child has special needs or not you must protect your daughter and not have him anywhere near him. Your friebd will try and change your mind and put on a guilt trip but you must keep your daughter safe.

If you can maybe visit your friend at her home in the evenings if your dd df can look after her. Otherwise you need to move on. Be honest and tell her you value her friendship but will not allow dd be hurt.

lostinwoods · 26/06/2022 07:19

Put your child first. I can't believe you let her son hit your daughter for 4 years.

As PP has said, can you see your friend without your child?

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/06/2022 07:19

She's your friend?

So why can't you say to her that she will need to stop her DS hitting your DD otherwise you won't be able to continue with playdates.

People will advise everything: ignoring, ghosting, ending the friendship rather than sitting down with her and actually having a conversation.

She's probably at her wits end with it and would appreciate the honest conversation. Then maybe you can work something out rather then just the usual Bad Mother witch-hunt as always advocated on here.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/06/2022 07:23

RewildingAmbridge · 26/06/2022 06:58

I was wondering this too. Especially the strangling. Exposure to violence at home or SEN are the only explanations I can think of. With the later strangling would be unusual. She's in deep denial about something. I wouldn't be exposing my child to the behaviour, but if you could find a way to see your friend, without your child I would do that. Would the occasional evening at hers be doable?

purplecorkheart · 26/06/2022 07:24

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/06/2022 07:19

She's your friend?

So why can't you say to her that she will need to stop her DS hitting your DD otherwise you won't be able to continue with playdates.

People will advise everything: ignoring, ghosting, ending the friendship rather than sitting down with her and actually having a conversation.

She hasn't stopped her son hitting in five year, why do you think she will start now.

Do you want the op to keep exposing her lg to violence if the friend agrees to tell the lb off when he still hits the lg.

Original poster

scrabbledabbl · 26/06/2022 07:33

I appreciate your responses everyone even though some of them are tough to swallow you are right I feel bad for exposing my daughter to this for all these years but it's not like I just leave her to get beats I am on full alert and always try to step in but obviously can't control all situations especially now they just want to run off and play.

I have recently started avoiding her like if she asked to meet up just say I'm busy or come up with an excuse etc. and I know it's not feasible.

I did previously about two years ago tell her I needed to stop meeting up with her where my daughter was starting to learn to hit from her son but then covid lockdown happened and we couldn't see eachother anyway by the time it was over everyone was so desperate to see eachother it was all forgotten. She was ok with it at that point because that's when she used to do or say something about the hitting but as I said now she's become so lax about it.

I have tried many times to point out his behaviour and tell her she needs to address It but it's not working. You are all right. The friendship probably is going to end because like I said she's so protective / defensive of her son she will take great offence.

:-(

OP posts:

carefullycourageous · 26/06/2022 07:33

Have had this situation myself but stopped contact much more quickly than you. After three occasions of hitting without any intervnetion from the parent I stopped agreeing to playdates. You need to stop seeing this person, you are putting your daughter in a bad situation.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 26/06/2022 08:12

I’d meet up with Wo your dd.

If she has her ds with her, then fine. It’s up to her (and I can see her issue with childcare etc….). But I would put my dcs n such a position.
I would also tell the child off if he was actually hitting me or hitting my child tbh.

It might be that your friend will get upset but there is no reason why you or your dd should allow ANYONE to hit them Wo saying a word. If your friend has an issue with that, you can’t do anything about it.

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