My friend's son is a nightmare and I don't want my daughter to play with him anymore

[scrabbledabbl]

Hi all,

I am lying here awake wondering for some advice or thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position.

My best friend has a LB who is just a few months younger than my LG (nearly 5). Just after he turned 1 he started to hit. He would hit my LG a lot and even though it was difficult I kept meeting up as she's my best friend and I was desperate and lonely too suffering from PND.

Nearly 4 years later and there's just no improvement in his behaviour. He's worse if anything. What is actually worse is my friend before used to tell him off or get upset with his behaviour but now it's like she's either given up or just had some bad advice and become very defensive of him. He will literally smack and punch HER as well but she won't say anything to him. It's really shocking, I've tried to explain to her in a nice way that she needs to manage his behaviour for once and for all but it just goes in one ear out the other.

I recently found out from another friend that all the mums in the nursery he goes to have complained about how he has hit or pushed and even strangled their children. I mean what is going on? Surely the school should be doing something about it and how can my friend be so oblivious? She is very quick to defend him like "oh he's a good boy" and gets really annoyed when the school have previously commented on his behaviour.

What is one meant to do when their best friend is just not parenting their child properly or taking advice but still wants to meet you? Would you just take it on the chin and continue the friendship? Obviously it doesn't affect me personally but I don't want my daughter to learn from him or be in danger now that he's older he can really quite cause some damage....

Thanks in advance

No I'm sorry, its not a tough one at all. Your child's safety comes first, you're allowing her to be bullied and hurt,.so you don't hurt a gtown ups feelings?! Thats awful on your part. You need to.explain to her that you can't meet up anymore because of x hitting her. You'll meet up again, when he's stopped doing it.

What about the weekends though if the husband is off? Can you both leave your Children for a coffee date etc. But 100% you need to protect your daughter first and foremost.

It's a tough one. Sounds like your friend supported you through PND.

You owe it to her to try and if she won't listen and it ends the friendship well you did your best as it's going to fizzle out otherwise.

But I wouldn't approach it from the perspective of your daughter's safety. Not because that doesn't matter but because you have already taken steps to avoid their contact.

You say she's super protective so while you mean it from a good place, what she'll hear is "my child's great and yours is awful".

Instead I would try a last shot at "I'm worried about how hard life is for you. You know I love X (say something nice about him even if you don't entirely mean it) but this is way more challenging than it should be.

"You know I've seen him since he was tiny and I think you're doing really well with him (again, lie!) But do you think it is worth making a GP appointment.

"I'm obviously not an expert but maybe it would help nursery to understand him better if you could get a proper opinion on whether there's anything else going on and he needs extra support/ understanding."

While her parenting doesn't sound great, the fact this has been an issue since he was tiny does suggest there could be more to it.
He may well not have SEN but she definitely needs support of some kind and prompting her to engage with nursery/ her GP (she may well have her own struggles to be ignoring this) at least flags somewhere

You cannot take your DD to get hit and punched by another child. I would stop meeting this friend and if she asks why tell her. She can't expect your DD to just sit there getting hurt. She either stops her DS doing it or stops meeting people.

The answer is very easy, I agree with other posters do not put your poor DD in this situation again. But this can be one of the tough parts of parenting that nobody tells you about before you have kids so I do feel for you.

I went through similar and lost 2 friends when my DC were small. One was the parent of a very 'fighty' boy and the other didn't have a problem with her tiny DD being punched, strangled, stripped & shoved in a cupboard, being hit with a glass door etc. At the time it seemed so important and I cared about the friendships, but 10 years later I don't miss those friends or even think about them, I hear the boy is still 'fighty' and they are still making the same excuses but its irrelevant (and no SEN before anyone comments). So ask yourself if you care more about what this friendship will be like in 5 years or what you want your relationship with your DD to be like if it will help put it into perspective.

Prioritise your DD, please stop putting her in a situation where some boy smacks her around. Especially don't do this to protect another adults feelings. You aren't answerable to your friend more than to your own DD so you needn't tell the friend anything at all if you don't want to, just drop the rope. Its more important to tell your DD that you aren't going to see X anymore because he hits her and that's never OK, your DD needs to know from a young age that you have got her back. You have to be your child's best advocate, if you aren't why would you expect anyone else to care?

Why have you waited so long to decide whether to continue the friendship. I'd have said a long time ago that my daughter isn't going to play with him any more because he's too rough for her.
Too bad about her PND, your daughter is much more important than her poor parenting. Stop being so soft.

Well given the friendship is doomed anyway maybe try telling him off yourself? My friend's ds was hideous.. I would move his hands /remove him away form my dd's. Friend was embarrassed she couldn't do anything so stayed quiet!! Once he knew I wasn't accepting his behaviour towards my dd's he was better behaved. I even babysat him a few times and he was great! If your friend comments you just end the meet up. At least you gave it a last ditch attempt..more than she is willing to do.

You need to tell her exactly why you will no longer be seeing her. She will ostracise herself from people if she will not face up to this.

Don’t waste your energy beating yourself up about what’s happened in the past OP. But take decisive action now, do not expose your daughter to this child again - she is your priority. Send a heartfelt message to your friend explaining and assure her that you value her friendship. If she is understanding then great, if she is not then you will know that she does not respect or value you as you do her and you can congratulate yourself on escaping a toxic friendship.

I don't really know why I waited so long maybe because she actually used to try to do something about it before so it didn't feel as bad and felt like there was some hope but now she doesn't even say anything to him which if I'm honest I find offensive if I'm honest like how can you just watch your child attack other child and say nothing?!!!!

Think about this: the message your'e sending your daughter is that another person (boy) can hit her and hurt her and that no one will do anything because being hurt is just a side effect of facilitating a relationship between her and him AND between you and his mother. You are teaching her that she should not consider her own physical boundaries as important as making everyone else happy.....

And this lesson, when she's 21, means that when a boyfriend hits her, she will think she has to take it and not make a fuss because it will upset the relationship within her friendship group, or upset the man or whatever.

I would calmly and firmly tell your friend the truth. "I would LOVE to see you but I can't keep letting DD get hit by your DS and every single time we go out, he hurts her. It's dangerous and it's also not fair to expect her to take it."

Does her Husband have days off? Could you meet up just you and her on those days and he can watch their Son?
Or if you can leave your DD with her Dad could you go round to friend's house once she's home from work instead and meet up there?

That way you're not having to end the friendship but also not keeping exposing your Daughter to abuse from her Son

I don’t understand how this ‘doesn’t affect you personally’. Surely seeing your dd being hit and punched affects you personally. I would have ended these play date years ago.

Sorry but I'm absolutely horrified you've allowed your dd to be repeatedly assaulted like this. I had a similar situation with my oldest friend and her violent child. That child hit mine once and I did not take him back for more. Our friendship survived until the kids were older, we just met up without them, it's died now though, in part due to her shitty parenting, I just lost all respect for her.

🙄

The question that you need to be asking yourself is how can you just watch your child be attacked by another child and say nothing. And do nothing.

One should put ones own child before a friendship.

Could you sign both kids up for an activity, where there will be someone else in charge and a lot of kids, then have coffee and watch the activity? The coach won't let him hit, the pressure is off DD and your friend will see normal behaviour for that age.

I think that sometimes, having one child who behaves a certain way means the parent doesn't really have context. She doesn't know how other children are behaving at this age. She might have nursery saying "he needs to work on..." but for all she knows, loads of kids are told that. Lockdown will have exacerbated this, her child and his development are the only one she's seen.

I agree with this. Be honest about the violence while not writing her off. Tell her you’re not prepared to facilitate the thumping but you’re happy to meet up otherwise.
If she takes offence or causes a fall out you’ll have to be really strong and logical and accept that the problem lies with her and there’s nothing you can do. It IS sad but it’s outwith your control.

I'd just be really honest with her and tell her as much as you value her friendship you've made a decision to stop the kids seeing each other because of his behaviour.
Say it's got worse and worse and you aren't prepared to have your daughter hurt and that you'll review this once she seeks professional help.
Sometimes the truth hurts but I'm sure she'll thank you for it in years to come otherwise once the child gets bigger and stronger god knows what they'll be capable of.

Definitely try to arrange a child free evening, maybe even at hers if she can’t leave her son. You said he’s a late bedder so perhaps there is an underlying issue of ADHD or even chronic tiredness making him lash out. He’s barely even school age so I would not write him off yet as he is clearly unable to control his behaviour but equally hasn’t been supported well to learn these skills. And if your dd is keen to go off and play she also enjoys her time with him, but might need some support in setting her own boundaries. It’s always good to help kids learn to assert themselves- shout loudly the aggressors name and what they are doing- and tell them to stop…
”Toby! Don’t hit me!” “Ben! Stop pushing me!”
then the adults around hear what’s going on and can help- especially if at school etc You can roleplay with her and maybe even get her take on it all… kids are often very insightful, and more forgiving than adults. It’s not the same as an abusive relationship as many kids push and shove and this is normal behaviour they sometimes need support to stop.

I have a friend like this. Her DC constantly wants to fight mine when he's round, and is quite naughty.
It's gotten to the point where I've even said "I've told you before about them fighting and how your dc is hurting my DC and it's not on." She did punish her child eventually but they still try and fight so I've told her until he learns to stop fighting he's not allowed round which she's accepted. We meet up without dc.

Why don't you meet her and the son but just not take your own child?

If you really want to keep in touch you need to find a way to do it that is not child friendly/takes place during school hours/when he can be left with his df.
Alternatively don’t bring your dd to these meet ups if that’s possible.
Obviously this may be easier said than done, however as the dc get older and develop their own circle of friends and independent activities it should get easier to do this.

If you don’t want to be blunt you could say “Sophie doesn’t want to come to x/do x (without giving the reason) so we could do Y without the children”

If he is in school it is possible that his behaviour has been picked up and there is some kind of process to investigate /support being initiated to see if there is any SN. She may be unable or unwilling to accept there might be an issue.

Alternatively it could be that she gets little support from her partner in parenting their dc and finds it easier to not to address it as it redirect on their relationship /parenting.

Its natural you want to keep the friendship, if you like her and if you feel you owe it to her due to the support she gave you, if so keep offering to see her without the children. However ultimately things can’t carry on with your dd being hurt by her child so if she doesn’t want to see you without the children then you may have to withdraw from the friendship.

It is a possibility that the boy is being exposed to violence as well ?? Especially given his young age firstly protect your daughter but this little boy unfortunately may also need protection x