My friend's son is a nightmare and I don't want my daughter to play with him anymore

[scrabbledabbl]

Hi all,

I am lying here awake wondering for some advice or thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position.

My best friend has a LB who is just a few months younger than my LG (nearly 5). Just after he turned 1 he started to hit. He would hit my LG a lot and even though it was difficult I kept meeting up as she's my best friend and I was desperate and lonely too suffering from PND.

Nearly 4 years later and there's just no improvement in his behaviour. He's worse if anything. What is actually worse is my friend before used to tell him off or get upset with his behaviour but now it's like she's either given up or just had some bad advice and become very defensive of him. He will literally smack and punch HER as well but she won't say anything to him. It's really shocking, I've tried to explain to her in a nice way that she needs to manage his behaviour for once and for all but it just goes in one ear out the other.

I recently found out from another friend that all the mums in the nursery he goes to have complained about how he has hit or pushed and even strangled their children. I mean what is going on? Surely the school should be doing something about it and how can my friend be so oblivious? She is very quick to defend him like "oh he's a good boy" and gets really annoyed when the school have previously commented on his behaviour.

What is one meant to do when their best friend is just not parenting their child properly or taking advice but still wants to meet you? Would you just take it on the chin and continue the friendship? Obviously it doesn't affect me personally but I don't want my daughter to learn from him or be in danger now that he's older he can really quite cause some damage....

Thanks in advance

This is what crossed my mind too

i too think that you go without your dd and when she asks, you say that you’re happy to see her, but her son keeps hitting your dd and there’s no intervention by her so it’s best if dd stays at home

also if you do meet up with her with dd, and ds starts up hitting again ask her WHY is she not preventing her son from hitting another child? WHY is she not mortified at what he’s doing to your dd and how would she feel if it were someone else’s ds battering the crap out of her ds?

I don’t think this relationship has much chance of survival, so you’re best off being honest with her because it at least MIGHT hit home

I'd be telling her child off myself.

I wouldn't sit by and not say anything while a child hits my child or my friend whether it's their child or not.
If my friend didn't like it then tough really.
I parent all children in my company and treat them the same as I treat my own.

Your friendship simply isn't as important as your daughter's not only safety but emotional damage of her being repeatedly forced to spend time with a child who hurts her without her being able to leave or you doing your job and protecting her.

I can understand that it will be difficult as you are such good friends and she takes criticism of her son badly, but you need to advocate for your DD.

I think I would wait for her to bring up a play date then say 'Any chance we can arrange to meet without the kids? DD was really upset after our last meet after being hit and she's a bit afraid of him now.'

I expect she'll come back with some bollox about him really wanting to see your DD and being upset, at which point you need to let her know firmly that your child is as important as hers and you will not be putting her through it any more.

It's just not fair to sit back and allow it to happen, OP.

I do know how hard it is - I went NC with an auntie & cousin after they repeatedly mocked and laughed at my son for crying when a child they foster really hurt him, just because she was a slightly younger girl he was supposed to put up with being scratched, pinched, pushed over and it without retaliation or complaint. It's utter bullshit!!!

Your friend has got a real problem on her hands once that child starts school.

I had this. I now only meet on my day off when the children are in school. Ive told her child off in front of her when he has hit my boy and told her I will do it again. There is no recourse. The school have called her in. She says he has anxiety and is 'sad' about things like their holiday ending??? There is always an excuse albeit an unlikely one. Ive gone so far as to tell her her child wont be liked/included unless it changes and its already started to happen in the class. Other kids and mums talk. There is no talking to her. I do occasionally help with school run if shes stuck but i tell her child im the adult and he is to listen to me until he gets home. He sulks but doesn't lash out. He says he doesnt like me. I dont care.

I agree with other posters. There is the risk of him being exposed to stuff. The strangulation is very concerning. I really hope they are all safe at home.

Yeah Anna is right. You have gone through the motions. I'd stop mediation now.. his solicitor is not accounting for HIS childrens needs. A court will. Good luck. X

well its always a possibility but a very slim one. I've never come across one, but I've come across plenty whose parents have a 'boys will be boys' approach, coddled (by their mothers usually) and never told no. The boy who was known to strangle others who kicked a child so hard in the privates he bled who then went crying to his mother, she picked him up and said "awww, he's sympathising", she never even asked how the bleeding boy was afterwards, she said he was "just playing". The playground menace who picked on other boys for years, but when one boy finally hit back just once his mother marched into school and made a complaint of bullying against a younger, smaller boy because he'd dared to retaliate. The boy who threatened to cut other kids heads off and threw stones at others every chance he got, the mother said he does it because the other children won't play with him. The boy who marshals others to fight and beats boys up in the school changing room and his mum says "that's just what proper boys do". No SEN, no violence at home, just crap parenting. Spinning violence into an excuse for aggression and ignoring the victim isn't OK for adults, why is it acceptable to do it to kids?

I'm not saying that children aren't exposed to violence at home and act out, sadly they do. I grew up in a violent home myself. But IME as a parent I could chuck a tennis ball into a crowd of boys and not hit one who had a violent home, but hit plenty who were just rowdy and indulged by their parents, some are even encouraged.

No friendship is worth your child being hurt.

If your friend hit you every time you met her would you still meet her?

Spending time with your friend is not more important than your child. if you lose the friendship so be it. It's a price worth paying.

When he smacks and hits your child, and your friend does nothing, surely you'd release your own wrath, right there and then though? His mother is doing nothing but how does he respond to you?

Might not be the popular (or right) thing to do, but i would adequately parent him in front of her. If he hit my child or tried to, I'd get down to his level, amke eye contact and say in a very firm voice: do not Small Scrabble. It hurts her and she doesnt like it. And it makes me very cross because I dont like it when people try to hurt my little girl. Would you like me if I hit you?' (Ask until he answers. If he says 'don't care,' you say, 'Yes you do, you wouldn't like it. It would hurt you and you wouldn't like me if I hurt you.' Then in a gentler voice say, 'Do you know what to say if you hurt someone?' If he says 'Sorry' or similar, agree and ask him to say it to your DC. Ask him to look her in the eye, and then as soon as he has apologised, say, 'If you feel angry or want to hit, just come and tell me or mummy and we will help youc alm down and feel better, OK?'

Level with your friend. Either she accepts her sons behaviour is unacceptable and does something, or, for your DDs sake, you will not meet up.

Your poor daughter, OP. I really feel for her. It was my older brother who hit me and when I was three I ended up in hospital for three weeks with a cracked sternum which became infected. I nearly died. I still have a scar between my breasts where I had to be cut open and stopped showing my cleavage because people would ask 'How did you get that scar?'. I'm sure you don't want something like that for your daughter, so please put her first.

how can you just watch your child attack other child and say nothing

Probably in a similar way that you watch your own child being attacked and yet you still keep taking her back for more.

You have never put your daughter first in all this time, you’ve prioritised your desire to continue with the friendship over your own child being smacked around.

I was in this situation last year. I tried telling her in a nice way that our boys are very different and i dont think we should meet for a bit and i kept pretending i was busy but she kept bugging me then eventually i had enough, my son said he didnt want to meet up as he was scared of friends ds.

I felt awful i hadnt stopped it sooner. I told her straight but just said it in a nice way how our boys play differently and my son is getting scared and worried about the meet ups so im going to have to stop.... i got a awful message back with her slagging off my parenting saying i should just tell my son to stop being so silly and sensitive.

Lets just say our friendship ended but me and my son are so much happier. Its a shame but she lost alot of friends with kids and i suspect it was for the same reason.

Its such a stressful situation to be in and you hope itl get better but it doesnt. Youl feel so much better when its done and your showing your daughter that you dont put up with that behaviour

You need to put your daughter first.

It sounds like your friend is really struggling and desperately needs a break.
Does she have any support in place or anyone she could leave her son with while she came for a coffee with you?

That way your daughter would be safe as your friend would be visiting alone without her son.

I would also say that it's nota normal reaction for a parent to sit back and watch their child hurt another child without actively stopping it.
The fact she used to discipline him and has now stopped suggests that there is maybe something deeper going on - possible ASD assessments that she is struggling to come to terms with.
If she is zoning out from what is happening (her son hurting other children) then it is likely she is depressed.

However, your daughter must be your first priority. She needs to be kept separate from your friend's son regardless.

I cut 2 friends off twice for this very reason. I gave it some chances each time then when I realised there would be no improvement I did not hesitate to end the friendship completely. It was the best thing for my son (and for me because i obviously hated seeing him hurt).

Your priority should be your child. Not the friendship with this woman, not anything else.

I think you owe your dd an apology, and the truth that what this child has done and is doing is completely unacceptable and that she won't have to see him again.

Then I would refuse any and all invitations involving both kids. By all means arrange adult meetings, but say no to any involving the kids.

I do get that it may not be this child's fault. I have 2 with SEN myself. But your first duty, always, is to your child and she is being frightened and hurt by this boy. It has to stop. If the other mother isn't going to do her job, or explain to you why she can't and try an alternative means of stopping him hurting others, then you need to prioritise your little girl and ensure she is, and feels, safe.

I think you need to put your daughter first rather than your friendship.

I feel you are more bothered about loosing your friend then your child getting hurt.

I don't understand why you'd even want to be friends with someone who sits back and allows your child to be bullied.

I'm at an even greater loss to understand why YOU sit back and allow your child to be bullied.

Your poor daughter. Her own mother thinks it's okay for her to be treated like shit and sits by and lets it happen.

I'd have cut this little thug and his awful mother out of my life four years ago.

That’s awful that you’ve allowed your child to be repeatedly attacked, have you apologised to her?

Whats the appeal of a friendship with a shit parent? Does she not repulse you?

If she is ‘struggling’ she has had 5 years to seek help with her kid, or attempt to parent the kid, and hasn’t bothered her arse.

Don't feel bad OP - she could have turned this around if she had wanted to by actually being a parent and discipling her horrible child. She chose not to, and laughs off his appalling behaviour so you have no choice but to safeguard you own child's wellbeing and stay away from her.