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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or does society look down on young mums?

46 replies

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:04

This is something that I am always really conscious of...I'm 22 (so not the youngest mum but still fairly young) and I feel that people have a negative view of young parents. What does everyone else think? Do you feel there is a right age to have children or that younger parents don't make good parents? (I'm new to MN - isn't it addictive!!) XxX

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PillockOfTheCommunity · 13/01/2008 20:06

yes!
I am 25 now but don't look it and have ds1 (4) and ds2 (9mths).
I can feel the disapproving looks even now when I go into town

pukkapatch · 13/01/2008 20:08

being the parent of a baby is not something that most of us are taughthow to do. we just deal withit as it happens. i think a 16 year old is just as capable of being a good mom, as an older woman.
however, i think a 26 year old probably has a harder time with a ten year old than a 36 or 46 year old does.
re the socity thing, i think its just who you mix with. and how old or y oung you look. i f you are lucky enough to look like an 18 year old outside the school gate, dont expect anty sympathy from me.

cottonflee · 13/01/2008 20:08

I had dd when I was 22, it nevver occured to me that anyone would ever look down on me. I have been with dh since we were 15.

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PillockOfTheCommunity · 13/01/2008 20:11

I don't think it is the people you mix with, I am a Parish Councillor and on the Village Committee (I should blardy well be committed!) and don't get judged there, but when I walk through our local town I do get stares and muttered comments

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:13

I just feel that sometimes people put you in the 'Vicki Pollard' gang when you are a young mum. My DP is older than me so lots of my antenatal pals are 30+....I don't feel younger than them or less capable. My DD is 2 now and she does us credit. I don't have a massively exciting social life but at the same time I feel like i'm not missing out on what my peers are doing.

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rantinghousewife · 13/01/2008 20:14

I had ds when I was 21 (and looked far younger at the time) and dd when I was 31 and yes, I definitely think that society does look down on you when your a younger parent.
When I had dd people treated me (even when they didn't know I had an older child) as if I knew what I was doing, with ds I would find people would speak to me as if I was a child.

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:16

Must make an effort to re-read messages before I post them to make sure they read well

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Alambil · 13/01/2008 20:18

I'm the youngest mum out of Reception, which is DS class (am 25 - had ds when I was 19). They do seem to, I don't know - pity me? I let slip a bit about my history in a conversation with some of them and since then, it does seem as though I'm the "poor girl" that needs things explaining to or won't understand certain things which is bollox really because I've probably seen and done a lot more than some of them!

snotbuster · 13/01/2008 20:19

Think it depends on your perspective - and how paranoid/self-concious you're feeling on any given day. When I go into town I sometimes think all the young mums are staring at me thinking I must be DS's granny (I was 36 when I had him)! Sleep deprivation doesn't do much for your self-confidence does it? Whatever age you are...

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:23

Haha snotbuster...sleep deprivation doesn't do much for anything!! I suppose it's just easy to be judgemental...I'm guilty of it and maybe that's where the paranoia comes from? I'm normally confident and unself-conscious but I especially felt everyone was looking at my when my DD cried and I didn't throw everything on the floor and whip my boob out to feed her,

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bookwormmum · 13/01/2008 20:29

I had my dd when I was 28 and the other Mums in my ante-class were amazed I was having a baby 'so young' . Young - my sister was 26 when she had my dn and was told she was "old"!! I was patronised by my dd's nursery teacher who seemed to think that I was about 17 when in fact I was 31. But then I think she was lke that with a lot of the parents. She had a very unfortunate
manner about her.

I think it can depend to a certain extent where you live and whom you socialise with. Lots of the Mums at my dd's school are in their 30s but equally there are quite a few who probably left education in the last 10 years or so. I probably get on better with them than the 30-somethings!!

MsSparkle · 13/01/2008 20:29

I am 23 and look younger and i don't notice if people give me lookss. I guess it's because i know that i am 23 and not a 'teenager who got herself into trouble' so i don't care what people think. I certainly have never been treated young when strangers talk to me about dd (usually saying what a lovely happy little girl she is.)

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:35

I too get the positive comments (smiler, bright as a button? and so on) and have never been patronised for being a young mum...it's interesting to hear how others feel.

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MsSparkle · 13/01/2008 20:35

Isn't it funny though how years ago it was the norm to have children in your early 20s and considered strange to have children in your 30s. And now it's the norm to have children in your 30s and 40s and considered silly to have them in your teens and 20s!

To me i consider it strange when women put off having kids until it's the right time for them in their life. Is there ever a good time in your life to have kids?

MrsCarrot · 13/01/2008 20:36

I had a baby at 20, 24, and 29 and I certainly did notice a difference in people's reactions to me at times whether it was in the park or the chemist or whatever.

There isn't a right age to have children, you do what you do and don't worry about what others think. People love to have an opinion on others lives, there's nothing you can do about it. Let it go over your head.

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:38

No, I don't think there ever is a right time. That is soooo true MsSparkle. Is the average age 29 or something?

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pukkapatch · 13/01/2008 20:40

i think it is silly to leave off having a baby till your 30's. let alone your forties. around the age of 32 a womens fertility decreases dramatically. so why leave something so important to a time when you are far far more likely to have problems.
just as i think it is silly to choose to have a baby at 16. i am talking here of those girls who try to get pregnant aged 15. i have seen that they can be excellent moms, but why limit yourself at such a young age. wait three or four years. live a little. then have babies in your twenties. ideal time.
sod society and what it thinks. people wil look downon youfor the oddest of reasons.

MsSparkle · 13/01/2008 20:41

I 29 is the average age. Imagine putting off kids until the right time then you find out you have left it too late and have trouble conceiving! That would be a nightmare!

VictorianSqualor · 13/01/2008 20:41

I'm 27 and am having my third.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being looked at, especially when I get on/off the bus with my Dd(7) and Ds(3) and a big bump, almost as if by being on the bus I must be someone who can do nothing but breed.

However if DP is driving his rather nice car or when people have been to our house the looks are totally different.

It's funny how people's minds work.

southeastastra · 13/01/2008 20:45

i had my ds(14) at 23. i had alot of 'looking down the nose' even at that age.

one girl i worked with asked why i was throwing my life away so young until another said she'd love to be a young mum!

in a way, it's nice having a teenager when you are still young, but i also have a 6 year old so can see both sides.

take no notice - people judge you wether you're a young or old mother!

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:47

LMAO at VictorianSqualor & comment about the bus. That's exactly how I feel...we live in a really nice area of Cardiff and i'm sure people are expecting me to answer that we live in a squat (is that how you spell it...?)

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berolina · 13/01/2008 20:48

I'm 30 but on a casual glance look a great deal younger (not when you get close up, alas). Ditto dh, who is 32. When I was pg with ds2 we were walking along together with ds1 in his pushchair anda man passed us ranting at us along the lines of 'bloody benefit scroungers , why have more children?' I think he looked briefly at us and thought 'young - with child - out together at 3pm - on benefits' (we're not - not that it's actually relevant).

I had ds1 at 28 and was one of the younger mothers in my ante-natal class. In Germany the average of first-time mothers is now 30. Age gaps tend to be bigger than ours (2y4m) too.

berolina · 13/01/2008 20:51

FWIW MIL had hers at 21 and 23 and said to us shortly after we were married (at 23 and 25) that we didn't want to be leaving it too late...

Original poster

clouisewood · 13/01/2008 20:52

I'm almost dreading number 2: I wonder if i'll start getting comments if I have a bump and a toddler!!

OP posts:

MsSparkle · 13/01/2008 20:53

While some might say your throwing your life away by having children young i see it differently. As kids leave home much later nowadays (in their 20s) i wouldn't want to have a kid at 40 and still have them living at home when i am 60 and want to have 'my time' and enjoy retirment. So it can swing both ways.

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