Ridiculous meal time behaviour

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My daughter (3) has recently developed a very annoying habit at meal times. Most meal times, I ask what she wants and make it (within reason) - eg pasta with a variety of sauces, beans on toast, soup, sandwiches, pizza, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, meatballs etc (she doesn’t eat the widest or healthiest range of food but that’s another thread). where possible I allow her to help, eg getting food out of packets, spreading sauce on pizza etc.

without fail, when the food arrives she cries and says she doesn’t want that. She will generally whinge then give in and eat it after 15-20 mins (though we are currently at 45 minutes at a soft play place and still not eating!)

on a couple of occasions I’ve made her an alternative (as the original meal can be popped in a lunchbox for tomorrow) but the same thing happens with the second meal. more commonly I ignore it and say I don’t care if she eats or not. Sometimes I will say there’s a pudding and she will then agree to eat the main course. I realise this is probably making the problem worse, but I don’t know what else to do!!

if she doesn’t eat she is just bugging me for snacks 10 minutes later. Or waking up hungry in the night.

any advice??

I just wouldn’t give her any options/choice.

I go with dinner is ready… here it is. Eat it or that’s your choice

Yep, tried that. It generally leads to 20 minutes of crying, which is what I want to cut out, either followed by her eating (good, but I want the 20
minutes of crying first to stop) or not eating, which then leads to bugging me for snacks shortly after. If I offer dinner again at that point the crying starts again.

id just like to get through the day without multiple periods of prolonged crying!!

I should add that this is a fairly new behaviour (last few weeks) and as far as I know she doesn’t do it at the childminders and didn’t do it with grandparents who had her for a couple of days last week.

I can't understand the desire to get her to eat by offer another option, but to be honest I would just say "you don't have to eat it if you don't want to, but it's here if you do" and I wouldn't offer anything else

Seems like something else might be up with her, do you think maybe she just wants more time connecting with you? It could be a way to get your attention.

Sorry that was meant to say "I can understand"

I think I'd be tempted to go for a mouthful for various things!

So batch cook a load of stuff and give her 1 nugget, 1/2 fishfinger, few beans, a cube of cheese, a few bits of pasta etc.

Then she isn't having to choose!

Other than that I think above poster has it right. No choice. Eat it or don't. Then when she asks for a snack offer her her dinner back!

You'll have to just keep calm, deep breaths and don't deviate until she realises the crying won't work and this is how it is!

Agree with the parent choosing what meal will be served.

My 3 year old does things like this a lot if he is given free rein, it is like he doesn't know what to do with himself so he plays up even more. Having the structure and meal chosen for him works much better in our house. The chosen meal always has an element that I know he eats and then I tend to keep adding new things to increase variety. If he does not touch the new thing, I don't mind as there is enough familiar food and I ensure it is balanced and he won't be hungry. Repeated exposure means he does try eventually though

If he chooses to mess around and not eat, the alternative is always a boring one (usually boiled egg) and that is it. I have one alternative as we all have days when we don't fancy something but it is fixed and pretty boring to stop it becoming his daily meal. He does not get anything else until morning and if he wakes at 5am hungry, he only gets water until breakfast. He very rarely goes to bed not having anything as he knows the consequence

I don’t generally offer an alternative. I mentioned that I did that a couple of times to show that it’s not an actual dislike of the food, as the second option was also rejected.

she does generally eat in the end. It’s just the endless whinging beforehand that I’d like to eliminate.

i suppose it could be for attention, but I’m a teacher currently on half term so she has had my undivided attention solidly since Saturday!!

No options to the main meal outside of would you like broccoli or carrot, maybe.

offer no alternative, she doesn’t have to eat it, but that’s what’s on offer. And mealtime is thirty minutes, if she’s not eaten by then, the plate is take away. You can offer it later but the same rules apply.

no responding to crying/whinging. Just behave the same whether she eats without complaint or sits there and whinges.

she’s 3, trying it on at mealtimes is a classic. Be the boss, but a kind and firm one.

Cross posted with your reply but agree with @itsgettingweird. Don't give the crying any attention and she will realise that is not going to get her what she wants.

Also would be giving the dinner rather than snack if she has got up without eating it. I tend to keep it available for DS until bathtime on the days he has played up but they are few and far between. If it became a regular thing, dinner time would be fixed then nothing until morning

I don’t understand why you give her the choice.

Stop asking her what she wants. She’s a toddler. Give her dinner and if she refuses to eat it, don’t make a fuss, just say “Okay”, let her go and play and put it in the fridge for when she comes back in ten minutes and says she’s hungry. If she kicks off, you say “That’s all we’ve got.” This is an age-appropriate power trip and you have to stop pandering to it.

She may not be hungry at some meal times. I can remember as a child not always wanting my meal.

Unless it’s a special occasion I don’t even give pudding, it’s just not part of the menu. It just causes problems. Fruit or plain yoghurt only.

treats can be for other times but I don’t think the reward element of pudding at the end of a meal sits right. They should just want to eat the meal, and if they don’t, they feel punished by having no pudding.

I give her a choice because why not…I’m only cooking for her so it doesn’t matter whether she has Mac and cheese or pesto pasta. In my head if she chose what she wants she’s more likely to eat it? I don’t see that just putting down a meal she doesn’t necessarily fancy would help? To clarify, I don’t endlessly make different options, I say ‘what would you like?’ She chooses something, if it’s appropriate and we have it in, I make it. Twice, when this ridiculous fussing first started, I did make a second option (with the first option being put in her lunch box for the next day) and she still cried and fussed so I realised it wasn’t the actual food, it was something else. Since then, I just make one option, which she has chosen.

pudding generally would be fruit or a yogurt, problem is she’d much rather have both those options than any main meal food!! I agree that pudding every day shouldn’t be a given (and when she’s at childcare, she doesn’t have any sugary stuff really).

Yes I would save the dinner and offer that again when she says she is hungry, but generally she will start crying again 🙄

reluctant to send her to bed hungry as it will be me who pays when she wakes up hungry and disturbs me!!

Thanks for your responses everyone. I think it has confirmed what I was thinking, that it’s a power trip and about control. I will just be firm and deal with the whinging for a few days and hopefully just ignoring it will get her to realise it’s boring and give up.

Food on the table, take it or leave it, any crying gets ignored,give no attention at all to the bad behaviour.

The meal can always go in the fridge and be reheated when she's ready.

Yes it is so hard because you know that you end up paying for it when they wake but it didn't take much for DS to realise he was in control of his hunger and could avoid it

Another thing which works in our house is telling them in advance when they are calm and happy. So at breakfast, I will tell them that I am making pasta this evening and from now on if they don't eat dinner in the evenings they will not get an alternative/only get ... and then nothing until morning. I will make sure they understand by asking them to repeat and discussing it. If things kick off later, it is not heat of the moment words but something they knew would happen.

I'd be tempted to try something completely different maybe to set this up.

What about cooking pizza and having it in front of tv watching her favourite film. Serve the pizza whilst she's engaged. Call it pizza party or whatever makes her interested.

Try and break that habit of crying through distraction.

Obviously you don't want to do this all the time but if it's habit it may be a good starting point.

And if she still cries just ignore!

We also don't finish our meals with sweet (fruit or pudding). As adults we don't do this so have not offered to children. They get offered fruit over the day and eat plenty, likewise with yoghurts but just not after meals

We also have a no crying at the table rule because its disturbing to everyone else that wants to eat in peace (DS also went through a similar phase). We live in an apartment so bedrooms are on the same floor as dining room, so it’s fine to cry but you do it on your bedroom not at the table. When you’re ready to eat you’re welcome to come quietly to the table. DS now comes relatively calmly to the table and complains less about what is put out.

Your mistake is giving her a choice ….

I'd guess it was choice overload.

If you feel strongly that you want to keep some element of choice, then offer a choice between two meals, not too different,

pasta with tomato sauce or pasta with vegetables,

beans with or without cheese etc.

And absolutely no reaction to crying.

Good luck