Ridiculous meal time behaviour

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My daughter (3) has recently developed a very annoying habit at meal times. Most meal times, I ask what she wants and make it (within reason) - eg pasta with a variety of sauces, beans on toast, soup, sandwiches, pizza, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, meatballs etc (she doesn’t eat the widest or healthiest range of food but that’s another thread). where possible I allow her to help, eg getting food out of packets, spreading sauce on pizza etc.

without fail, when the food arrives she cries and says she doesn’t want that. She will generally whinge then give in and eat it after 15-20 mins (though we are currently at 45 minutes at a soft play place and still not eating!)

on a couple of occasions I’ve made her an alternative (as the original meal can be popped in a lunchbox for tomorrow) but the same thing happens with the second meal. more commonly I ignore it and say I don’t care if she eats or not. Sometimes I will say there’s a pudding and she will then agree to eat the main course. I realise this is probably making the problem worse, but I don’t know what else to do!!

if she doesn’t eat she is just bugging me for snacks 10 minutes later. Or waking up hungry in the night.

any advice??

Sorry pressed post too soon

Remember, too, this phase will pass 😀

Do you eat together as a family or does your DD eat om her own?

Kids at nusery/ childminder usually eat better because of the company.

I wouldn’t ask her what she wants. My parents never did - I had whatever they were having, there was no choice involved and as a result I didn’t even realise there could be anything different and just ate what was there.

I think asking a 3 year old what they want to eat is too much for them really, even now if someone asked me what I want for dinner it’d take me ages to decide!

I read something on here a few years ago that really helped me with mealtimes:

You (the parent) decide what and when. They (the child) decides how much.

I always make sure there is something at the table that my children like, but if they reject it, they don’t get another option until the next meal
time.

The fact she doesn't do t with grandparents or childminder mans she is just being manipulative and attention seeking. Take no notice of her whinging, no engagement while she is at it, and certainly no choice.

I agree with this. I find children usually eat far better when they are involved in a family meal or eating with peers.The focus of attention isn't solely on them and it's a more relaxed, social environment. I also find that serving the food "family style" - in serving dishes in the middle of the table where everyone can help themselves to what (and how much) they'd like is a great way of getting picky/badly behaved eaters to enjoy a meal.

For a start, I'd stop offering a choice. One of the things I used to find was that in lots of different situations the phrase "Mummy has been really silly. I thought you were only three" worked. So in this case " I thought you were only three, but Daddy/ Nana/your teacher told me you are actually a big girl, you're three and a half now, so you can eat your dinner without crying! Silly Mummy!" Followed by an explanation that you are cooking (whatever) for dinner, and no longer giving snacks. (Because of course snacks are only for three year olds, and of course, she is three and a half). It might take a few days, but stick at it. Children usually use crying and whinging because it works. When it stops working, they will give up!

I’d try and eat as a family. One of my children has ARFID and what we’ve found helps more than anything is putting food in the middle of the table, everyone serves themselves however much they like. We chat about the day, everyone gets a chance to speak. Food isn’t mentioned or commented on. Often we are sat long after all the food is gone as we are having a fun chat. Slowly over time my child with ARFID is eating more and meal times are enjoyable rather than stressful.

Are you serving it on the 'correct' plate...perhaps it's not an issue with the actual food

There is always a choice of plate…that would be a definite issue!!

we sometimes eat together, usually at breakfast and lunch, but very rarely at dinner. She has to eat around 5pm and that just doesn’t work for me. I sit with her always and chat, and often have a little snack, but not the same meal as her. I’ve tried serving her what we are eating and serving things family style in the past (she went though a phase of being a very poor eater and these things were suggested) but it didn’t make a difference then, as in she refused to try new foods, so I gave up, but maybe it might help here.

success at dinner tonight. I asked what she wanted (going to stick with that for now, as I don’t think serving food she doesn’t want will help) and asked if she was going to cry when it arrived, she said no. I’d decided that if she did I was going to just ignore. No crying 🤷‍♀️ After the nightmare which was lunch this was was a very pleasant surprise!

thanks for everyone’s input.

🤦‍♀️

I asked what she wanted (going to stick with that for now, as I don’t think serving food she doesn’t want will help)

Just keep in mind that in the long run, you're setting yourself up to be the kind of parent who prepares multiple different meals for each person in the household.

In the average family, everyone will eat things at least some of the time that wouldn't have been their number one choice that day. As long as no one is being expected to eat something they vehemently dislike, it's a good lesson in compromise.

I wouldn't personally pander to my 3YO the way you are and mealtimes aren't stressful at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

Helpful, thanks!

A valid point, and not a situation I want to be in. There are times she doesn’t get to choose (meals at childcare are just sent in for example) and obviously we don’t always have every meal option in so it’s not complete free reign. I may try to reign in the choices a bit.

I’ve been offering a choice of food for probably close to a year and this mealtime stress has only started the last few weeks. Let’s hope it’s just a phase!

Serve the food she has chosen with a timer (10 minutes, 15 minutes) and whatever is not eaten at the end of that goes in the bin. No snacks.

In the short term you will still have to listen to the whining but if it is never rewarded it will dry up.

That was always my approach whenever my DD2 pulled this sort of shit.

This isn't an uncommon power struggle for kids to try and DD2 was by far my worst culprit. DD1 and DD3 weren't too bad and just had the occasional moment.

Ignoring the whinges and not providing alternatives or extra snacks definitely worked best. Your DD gets to choose her meal from your options. So once she has chosen and you have cooked it she gets NO further input. She eats what you have provided or she gets nothing. End of story.

No snacks either if she didn't eat the chosen food.

I did that because I and others have given you advice yet you choose to ignore it all and continue doing it your way - which is obviously fine, your choice etc … but why ask for advice if you’re going to ignore it?

I don’t think I have ignored all the advice.

Quite a few people have suggested removing the element of choice, yes - right now that’s not something I want to do, but I will consider whether I think that is the answer. As she’s been choosing her food for a year and this is recent, I don’t think that is necessarily a big factor here. I’m not dismissing it and I may decide to do this later down the line. (One person suggested the complete opposite and said to offer buffet every meal - I notice she hasn’t come back to face palm that I haven’t done what she suggested.) Interestingly the book I’m reading at the moment suggests giving toddlers choices is a good way of giving them a sense of control and reducing confrontation and I’ve heard that before. which is why I started in the first place - perhaps I’ve misinterpreted that advice though 🤷‍♀️

A few people have said it’s a power struggle/boundary pushing thing (which was my initial thought) and have suggested how to handle it (timed meal times, no crying at the table, not offering alternatives or snacks, ignoring crying and tantrums) - I am going to try some of these options for sure.

i have also taken on board what various posters said about pudding every day and will rethink my approach to this and sweet things in general.

So I might have chosen not to take YOUR advice at this time but I have chosen to take the advice of others on board, so I have gained something from this thread.

make sure she is hungry - delay her meal by half an hour or even an hour. My middle one had a restricted diet (extreme allergy which she mostly grew out of - excema) so we let her have big breakfast with milk & NO milk until after tea time. fruit & yougourt at lunch/or tiny amount of carb with goat cheese akaone slice (I did this with dietician) & very early tea with meat & several veg & fruit after. than milk. (Food diary we literally weighed her food before and after for 5 days so the dietician cold check content)
I wouldn't suggest this extreme but understand saying no sometimes won't hurt. She knows dm will soften & she will get her way. (Having 3 dc helps you be tougher)

Almost every poster has said don’t give a choice - from everyone’s vast experience it’s the main issue here. Myself, and almost all other posters have said this …. Take my advice or not, makes no difference to me at all, but it wasn’t just my advice, it’s nearly all posters’ here advice.

I’ll leave it now, good luck with your little girl.

You can always give a choice without giving it to the whole meal
"Sauce on the pasta or on the side?"
"Tomato or cucumber on your sandwich?"
"Beans on the toast or in a bowl?"

Then she keeps the control with getting to pick but it's not an actual main meal choice

Choices at that age should be fairly limited - not what would you like for lunch but would you like soup or beans on toast? Or would you like a ham sandwich or cheese sandwich? Or even as a small as would you like the blue plate or the yellow plate?

With regards to her kicking up a fuss for a long time once the meal has been served I would tell her that mealtimes is for 30 minutes, once the 30 minute is up we clear the table and everyone gets down. So if she fusses for 30 minutes + she misses out on eating! So I'm sure that'll cut down her crying as she is using up her eating time.
Or can be even more strict with her and serve the meal, if after 5 minutes of crying she still isn't eating just simply ask her, would you like to eat your lunch? Wait for her answer if she says no then take it away, if she says yes but doesn't eat it then remind her if she isn't eating then it's time to get down from the table. Or if she doesn't answer say as you haven't answered and you aren't eating I'll tidy up your plate and you can get down. I imagine after 1 or 2 meals of meal time being over before she eats she'll soon sit down and crack on with eating!

Also always make sure whatever the meal is, especially something new have one 'safe' food on the plate, which is something you know she likes, as a plate of a brand new meal can be daunting for picky eaters, so even if there is a banana on the side it'll encourage them to start eating rather than just turn their nose up straight away.
Remember it's your job to choose a healthy meal & it's her choice to choose how much and what she eats. Don't encourage/force her to eat anything, as that'll make it worse.

If she's bugging you for snack later just simply remind her the next meal time is dinner, you can eat then. I wouldn't give her snacks straight after, but could always serve her un-eaten meal at the end meal/snack time.

Perhaps the choice is too much for her?
so when she asks for steak or a full roast will you just make her that.

you must know what she likes just make dinner give it to her and she eats her food I’d pull right back on the drama, don’t react when he’s creating but at 3 giving her the choice ‘for now’ it will be harder to undo your choice giving later on. You could have a night a week where she chooses dinner A or dinner B and helps make it - wee pizzas or a mini buffet. if I asked mine what they wanted I’d be making 4 separate meals and tho had the time or inclination for that shit I also cool what my kids like they just don’t get the choice on the day whilst I pay for the food and put it away and cook it I decide what I cook,

I agree with others about not letting her choose completely what she has to eat. I do think this will lead to complications further down the line (particularly if you intend to have more children! But also as you say she doesn't have the broadest of diets so this could be limiting her somewhat as I guess it's not often she tries new things or gets to try new things several times to get to like new flavours?
Google 'division of responsibilty'. As some have mentioned it's basically you as the parent choose what and when she eats, providing a balanced meal and she decides how much or what of it she will eat. No pressure.
I would go with other choices - colour of plate, type of cup etc.