Ridiculous meal time behaviour

[modgepodge]

My daughter (3) has recently developed a very annoying habit at meal times. Most meal times, I ask what she wants and make it (within reason) - eg pasta with a variety of sauces, beans on toast, soup, sandwiches, pizza, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, meatballs etc (she doesn’t eat the widest or healthiest range of food but that’s another thread). where possible I allow her to help, eg getting food out of packets, spreading sauce on pizza etc.

without fail, when the food arrives she cries and says she doesn’t want that. She will generally whinge then give in and eat it after 15-20 mins (though we are currently at 45 minutes at a soft play place and still not eating!)

on a couple of occasions I’ve made her an alternative (as the original meal can be popped in a lunchbox for tomorrow) but the same thing happens with the second meal. more commonly I ignore it and say I don’t care if she eats or not. Sometimes I will say there’s a pudding and she will then agree to eat the main course. I realise this is probably making the problem worse, but I don’t know what else to do!!

if she doesn’t eat she is just bugging me for snacks 10 minutes later. Or waking up hungry in the night.

any advice??

And you can include a 'safe food' you know she will eat with eat meal you provide, just with other options or different things for her to try too.

I would try not talking about food at all, not mentioning what you are eating, not mentioning whether she has eaten or not. Just put whatever foods you want on the table and sit down with her. If she starts talking or crying about it, just read her a story, distract her in some other way, or ignore it and engage with something else.

I would not even say 'Dinner is ready, and we are having pasta' (or whatever. I would just get everyone to sit down-- it's obvious that dinner is there.

In my experience, kids who are NT, with no serious sensory issues, often get fussy as a way of getting control or attention- it becomes an emotional weapon. As a parent I used to try to ensure they had lots of other ways of getting control or attention not connected with food.

I found it was a good discipline for myself to occasionally have a period of consciously not mentioning food (or anything to do with food) at all (and I love cooking, am very interested in nutrition and lots of issues of food quality, ecology, and ethics relating to food).
This can also help with more adult eating issues!

As others have said, you give choice but not so much. My 3 year old sometimes gets to choose between 2 options for a meal, usually I have chosen what the meal will be but he chooses how much goes on his plate and how he eats it (as well as his plate/cutlery/glass). That is enough choice for a child of that age

Life is a bit of a power struggle at this age but the key is making them feel like they are in control but both options having a favourable outcome for you ie do you want to brush your teeth first or have a shower first in the morning - both options involve teeth being brushed and child having showered but they feel like they are in charge because they have picked the order.

As a parent of a fussy eater (who thankfully finally is eating entire family meals), I warn you, you are digging a massive hole for yourself in letting her choose the entire meal on a regular basis

Excellent advice from @PurrBox, learning the same principles and following them set us off on the (long) road to better mealtimes

Two of mine went through this phase. I didn't ask them what they wanted, but prepared food I knew they were likely to eat. When I dished up I did not serve everything at once. Say the meal was two fishmongers with chips and peas, I would put one fish finger, one spoon of peas and four chips on the plate. If they wanted more they asked when they had finished - I never needed to prompt them to ask. I think that sometimes a full plate can be daunting, especially when the child is hangry.

The other thing I did was give them advance notice of the meal so they didn't have to suddenly stop what they were doing to eat. Not "Lunch 5 minutes", because that's meaningless, but "Lunch when Octonauts ends".

It helped. But keeping a bland outside while internally repeating the mantra helped even more!

Mantra: This will pass.