Constant accidents when dc’s are with exdh

[YouWhatLove]

I don’t know what I can do about it. Ds1 is 9yo and has dyspraxia, ds2 is 6yo and is a ball of uncontrollable energy.

Exdh has dc EOW Friday evening to Sunday evening and has done for the last 20 months. Other than ds2 going to hospital for choking on a coin when he was a baby (also when exdh was on his own with him) dc have never hurt themselves other than the odd playground scrape when I’ve been around.

In the last 20 months while with exdh dc1 has lost the bottom half of both of his front two teeth after he was “being a dolphin” in the shallow end of a pool (they were both adult teeth and caps put on keep falling off and have cost me £220), he pushed a spade straight into his foot helping his dad with the garden which needed glueing together and he broke his wrist trying to do a cartwheel along Dh’s garden wall (about 2 foot high). Ds2 has stuck a fork into his hand which exdh took him to hospital for as his dm fainted due to the amount of blood, got a black eye and the white bit turned red for 3 months as he decided to look down the barrel of a NERF gun before shooting it into his eye, broke two fingers in exdh’s car door and almost burned down a tent that ds2 was inside after picking up the bbq lighter while exdh was cooking on it.

Each of these instances on their own are complete accidents. Each time it was one of the dc making a mistake/ being an idiot and none of them were ex DH’s fault as such. But he just seems incapable of spotting danger or when something is likely to go wrong. He was told last time that he took Ds to hospital that they would be referring to SS as there were so many visits it could be a safeguarding concern. That was a couple of months ago though and since then neither of us have heard anything.

I don’t know what to do. He absolutely loves the boys and they always have a great time together. But I am terrified of one of them getting seriously hurt. Ds1 is permanently scarred from the spade to his foot and ds2 still has fork puncture marks on his hand. We’ve spoken so many times about him being more careful, trying to predict danger and he always feels so guilty and is hugely apologetic but I just know it will happen again.

I don’t know what I can do. I’m genuinely almost at the point of thinking we should get back together again just so I can ensure my boys are safe. They’re with him at the moment and I’m constantly on edge waiting for a phone call to tell me that one of them is hurt.

I think I would be speaking to social sevices myself!

I feel for you. This was my dad. He is a doctor and just... a bit mad. My siblings and I are literally scarred all over from 14 mile walks across Scottish moors as the visibility failed (9-10), picking mussels as the sea came in and slipping (broken arm), endless holiday slips that should have been stitched in retrospect. We carried medical kits from primary.

As I've become a mum I have read a lot on how male role modeling is about taking physical risks. Children need to explore their limits and yes, it must be frightening and does sound a bit Nietzchean, but my mum focused on equipping us including when to say no and mean it. We learned to have adventures safely, which is a gift.

To say what?
the only people who can do anything about this situation are the parents

We’ve spoken so many times about him being more careful, trying to predict danger and he always feels so guilty and is hugely apologetic but I just know it will happen again.

This is tough, but in your shoes I would do two things:

Talk to him much more forcefully and really make it plain that this cannot go on, and he absolutely has to become a grown up parent and be totally focused on keeping his children safe.

But I'd also talk to a family lawyer to ascertain at what point you'd be justified, and likely to be successful, if you were to go to court and ask for a reduction in his contact time.

At least half of these incidents could have been avoided if ex was supervising properly. I'd be calling him out on his shoddy parenting to be honest.
The only thing I can suggest on a practical level is that he has them separately or that he only has them together when he has someone else who can help him keep an eye on both of them.

I suppose talking to him hasn't really worked as the accidents keep happening? In your shoes I think I would speak to the local children's safeguarding team and a solicitor to get their view on when lack of foresight/risk awareness becomes something you can legally act on.

I completely understand thinking of getting back together again but the thing is, your children won't necessarily be able to spot dangers themselves until past their teenage years...so you could be stuck with this man for a long time.

My DD1 is now 25 and I don’t think we have been to A&E for about 4 years now. Growing up, she was in A&E at least twice a year, sometimes more. Around her second birthday, we had to go 3 times within 2 months and I did get a visit from the health visitor. She is obviously has dyspraxia but has never been assessed or diagnosed - she has little special awareness - put glasses/mugs on the edge of a table and not the middle etc. We accept it a part of her personality and accidents happen. Yes, you want their dad to be as careful as possible but you also want your dcs to enjoy life.

@JennyForeigner .. it is regressive at best to expect Dad to teach children to take inappropriate risks that result in injuries and for Mum to teach them when to say no. And in this case it is wildly inappropriate as the parents are not together so Mum is not in a position to coach them in saying no.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I think I would approach the health visiting team (rather than SS) and as for advice.

I absolutely want my dc’s to enjoy life and I’m by no means Captain Safety. In fact most of the “risky” stuff my dc do - kayaking, hiking, sea swimming, den building etc. is done when they’re with me. Most of the accidents dc have had with exdh have happened at his house. He does supervise them, he just doesn’t know when to tell them to stop doing something/ do something differently so they don’t end up in hospital.

The children are 9 and 6, what health visiting team would still be working with them?

And no, dont phone SSD, sort the issue out between yourselves

Your local early help team, or children's centres should have advice or early help workers who might be able to do some work with dad around safety or signpost on to other services, there may be online courses that he can access to do in his own time

He needs to be more alert.

And I don't understand why you paid for the teeth fix when it happened on his watch. He's their parent and should have sorted it.

You are very understanding! Have you raised you concerns? I think I would suggest shorter contact time. Say one evening and one weekend day a week.

The kids are 9 and 6!

@bellac11 i haven’t had contact with a health visitor since dc2 was about 2yo. People often say contact the health visitor but I have no clue who would still have one or how to contact them. You’re right, I don’t think contacting SS would be beneficial in any way either. Each time it happens exdh is upset and hugely apologetic and will ensure that next time dc’s aren’t able to pick up the barbecue lighter or left to cartwheel on a wall. But they’ll find a different way to hurt themselves instead which he just doesn’t foresee.

I’m sick with worry whenever he’s with them. I’ve worked out that for every visit there’s a nearly 25% chance one of the kids will be hurt to the point of needing medical attention.

@greatblueheron I originally paid for it as I have them when the dentists is open and exdh said he’d pay me back. The cap for them keeps popping off within a couple of days of being fitted though as Ds is a bit buck toothed and will be until he has braces in a couple of years. The dentist replaces it for free whenever I ask as it’s got a 2 year guarantee but exdh insists that isn’t good enough so won’t give me the money as he thinks I should demand a refund.

Theres lots of practical help that children's centres can advise with and there are online courses.

Theres a reason some families have more accidents than others, occasionally it is just bad luck but often its because of things being stored in the wrong way, looking the wrong way at a crucial time, not alerting children to their own limitations or not checking things are in working order, things like that. He might need some help with understanding how to manage the above issues.

@autienotnaughty reducing contact time would be difficult as exdh lives and works 250 miles away. At the moment I take them up to him once a month and he comes down and stays nearby in an AirBnb once a month. Popping over for tea or the odd afternoon isn’t really practical.

I so sympathise. Me ex was equally hopeless and the children had very preventable injuries. He also delayed treatment 😞

For someone who’s DD has broken her arm 4 times in the same place, accidents do happen! All too frequently.

I broke a front tooth at 11 and had a crown that kept falling off. Eventually I had a bridge - it’s been on for 40+ years!

I’m going to be blunt op and please know this is not a criticism of you or your parenting.

when I was a child I had far too many accidents when my dad was in charge or me. Always needing hospital care and treatment.
SS did interview my parents due to 3 trips to A &E over a couple of years.

as I’ve gotten older and pieced together what was going on I realise it was neglectful to not provide adequate supervision to me as a 7/8/9 year old.

I have scars on my body caused by accidents and I still feel angry that they didn’t protect me.

Wrapping kids in cotton wool does them no favours. Injuries build resilience and taking risks builds confidence. There are dangers every where and accidents happen. They sound like energetic and enthusiastic boys who like a bit of rough and tumble. They’re not doing anything life threatening, calm yourself down, they will pick up on your anxiety.

Tricky because you seem to have very accident prone kids and at 9 and 6, you wouldn’t supervise kids 100 percent of the time and some of the examples you give I don’t think you can blame the ex for. I think that makes it seem worse because you’re adding those to the things he should have foreseen. If you have serious concerns about their safety though, then you either insist on reduced contact or supervised contact.

That is such nonsense. Getting injured does not make a person resilient, it makes them injured.

the best way to build children’s resilience is to keep them safe.