Constant accidents when dc’s are with exdh

[YouWhatLove]

I don’t know what I can do about it. Ds1 is 9yo and has dyspraxia, ds2 is 6yo and is a ball of uncontrollable energy.

Exdh has dc EOW Friday evening to Sunday evening and has done for the last 20 months. Other than ds2 going to hospital for choking on a coin when he was a baby (also when exdh was on his own with him) dc have never hurt themselves other than the odd playground scrape when I’ve been around.

In the last 20 months while with exdh dc1 has lost the bottom half of both of his front two teeth after he was “being a dolphin” in the shallow end of a pool (they were both adult teeth and caps put on keep falling off and have cost me £220), he pushed a spade straight into his foot helping his dad with the garden which needed glueing together and he broke his wrist trying to do a cartwheel along Dh’s garden wall (about 2 foot high). Ds2 has stuck a fork into his hand which exdh took him to hospital for as his dm fainted due to the amount of blood, got a black eye and the white bit turned red for 3 months as he decided to look down the barrel of a NERF gun before shooting it into his eye, broke two fingers in exdh’s car door and almost burned down a tent that ds2 was inside after picking up the bbq lighter while exdh was cooking on it.

Each of these instances on their own are complete accidents. Each time it was one of the dc making a mistake/ being an idiot and none of them were ex DH’s fault as such. But he just seems incapable of spotting danger or when something is likely to go wrong. He was told last time that he took Ds to hospital that they would be referring to SS as there were so many visits it could be a safeguarding concern. That was a couple of months ago though and since then neither of us have heard anything.

I don’t know what to do. He absolutely loves the boys and they always have a great time together. But I am terrified of one of them getting seriously hurt. Ds1 is permanently scarred from the spade to his foot and ds2 still has fork puncture marks on his hand. We’ve spoken so many times about him being more careful, trying to predict danger and he always feels so guilty and is hugely apologetic but I just know it will happen again.

I don’t know what I can do. I’m genuinely almost at the point of thinking we should get back together again just so I can ensure my boys are safe. They’re with him at the moment and I’m constantly on edge waiting for a phone call to tell me that one of them is hurt.

Is there any way someone could make a house visit to exH and assess the risks in the house and garden? This would be accompanied by a Q&A session in which exH would be asked questions like "What are the dangers of the low wall/ the BBQ/ medicine storage/ bathroom and kitchen cleaning liquid storage/ using tools or utensils not designed for children"? Is there such a thing as a childproofing service?

The exH needs to be held accountable for all of this, but I suspect from the fight he's putting up about refunding the dentist payments that he really doesn't feel any damage is being done or that he is responsible, and his head is deep in the sand when it comes to risk assessment and how this casual approach to safety could pan out.

I think you need to get a solicitor involved, OP. He needs to repay the money you have spent on the caps. He needs to allow a third party to assess his capacity to keep the children safe. He needs to massively up his game and take the children's safety seriously.

It will be too late when someone gets a neck injury or a burn or drinks windolene, etc.

10 trips for medical attention out of 42 times with dad is horrendous. Ask social services for advice

Social services aren't there to give advice on matters like this. The OP either reduces contact to keep the kids safe or addresses it some other way. That's all they would tell her.

That is an astonishing amount of dangerous accidents op.

Burning the tent down with his brother in it - Jesus Christ!

Thing is, your dh is being negligent because he is failing in his duty of care to keep his kids safe.

I have a disabled child, both dh and I have to think ahead all the time. We would never leave a bbq lighter where he could access it. We support him when he's washing because he would run the hot tap and scald himself.

I would tell him very firmly that unless he can be the parent his kids need, then he can only have supervised contact.

That's a huge amount of injuries. I'd either want him to agree to parenting classes, or have a responsible adult supervising the contact.

It's only a matter of time before one of them is seriously hurt. Accidents happen, but they happen a lot more when someone isn't aware of risks, or is encouraging risky behaviour.

It's not like they are typical childhood injuries, like falling of a bike etc!

That's a huge amount of injuries. I'd either want him to agree to parenting classes, or have a responsible adult supervising the contact.

It's only a matter of time before one of them is seriously hurt. Accidents happen, but they happen a lot more when someone isn't aware of risks, or is encouraging risky behaviour.

It's not like they are typical childhood injuries, like falling of a bike etc!

Erm, they're his children as well. 'If you feel you must let him have your children', honestly...