Constant accidents when dc’s are with exdh

[YouWhatLove]

I don’t know what I can do about it. Ds1 is 9yo and has dyspraxia, ds2 is 6yo and is a ball of uncontrollable energy.

Exdh has dc EOW Friday evening to Sunday evening and has done for the last 20 months. Other than ds2 going to hospital for choking on a coin when he was a baby (also when exdh was on his own with him) dc have never hurt themselves other than the odd playground scrape when I’ve been around.

In the last 20 months while with exdh dc1 has lost the bottom half of both of his front two teeth after he was “being a dolphin” in the shallow end of a pool (they were both adult teeth and caps put on keep falling off and have cost me £220), he pushed a spade straight into his foot helping his dad with the garden which needed glueing together and he broke his wrist trying to do a cartwheel along Dh’s garden wall (about 2 foot high). Ds2 has stuck a fork into his hand which exdh took him to hospital for as his dm fainted due to the amount of blood, got a black eye and the white bit turned red for 3 months as he decided to look down the barrel of a NERF gun before shooting it into his eye, broke two fingers in exdh’s car door and almost burned down a tent that ds2 was inside after picking up the bbq lighter while exdh was cooking on it.

Each of these instances on their own are complete accidents. Each time it was one of the dc making a mistake/ being an idiot and none of them were ex DH’s fault as such. But he just seems incapable of spotting danger or when something is likely to go wrong. He was told last time that he took Ds to hospital that they would be referring to SS as there were so many visits it could be a safeguarding concern. That was a couple of months ago though and since then neither of us have heard anything.

I don’t know what to do. He absolutely loves the boys and they always have a great time together. But I am terrified of one of them getting seriously hurt. Ds1 is permanently scarred from the spade to his foot and ds2 still has fork puncture marks on his hand. We’ve spoken so many times about him being more careful, trying to predict danger and he always feels so guilty and is hugely apologetic but I just know it will happen again.

I don’t know what I can do. I’m genuinely almost at the point of thinking we should get back together again just so I can ensure my boys are safe. They’re with him at the moment and I’m constantly on edge waiting for a phone call to tell me that one of them is hurt.

My middle child has dyspraxia, as do I. I’d never heard of until the HV mentioned it when she was 2 - at which point she’d had her head glued shut 3 times, and some other minor injuries that needed seeing to by a Nurse. The first 5 years of her life knocked at least 15 off mine, I was a nervous fucking wreck. She is also utterly fearless which ups the risk factor! Since 5, we’ve not had any more A&E dashes (she’s now 11).

What’s more embarrassing is that I was the very definition of helicopter parent, yet those accidents still happened. I dread to think how many more would have happened if I were like your ExH.

A 25% chance of injury whilst 250 miles away from me would be intolerably high (and I’m far more chilled than I was a decade ago). I would definitely be seeking legal advice and he would get no sympathy from me, no matter how remorseful. It isn’t him getting hurt, it’s your children.

Binge Bitch is wrong, Bo Derek is right. Accident prone and dyspraxic children deserve more help, support and protection, not less, due to their disabilities. It does not build resilience, it builds injuries and fear. Children learn resilience when they learn to explore their own boundaries in a safe and controlled way. The op has already said they do adventurous fun things with her.. where they do not get injured.

The bbq lighter one is bone chilling. That simply should
not happen. That’s a never event!

i would see a lawyer to understand your rights. Get a formal letter written and then sit down one to one with your husband and explain that you are very very serious about this and if is not sorted you will taken steps.

Do you think exDH could be dyspraxic

It may be that it will never be possible for him to give the necessary care and attention the DC need?

Tough call to make

Because he’s a twat or because he’s dyspraxic? Dyspraxia doesn’t make you a shitty parent, FYI.

I am dyspraxic, many injuries and very resilient. Minor injuries are just that, they heal and children learn to be more careful next time. If they’re never allowed to fall and get cuts and bruises how do they build resilience? Explaining what ‘might’ happen if they climb a tree or dig with a spade doesn’t really cut it. Experiencing the world and picking up a few bumps and bruises along the way is life.
Making a massive deal out it helps no one.

Ahh that's trickier, I wouldn't trust exdh but at same time wouldn't want to come between his relationship with kids. My advice would be a conversation with ex about the number of accidents and how he plans to prevent them going forward.

This is somewhat black humour, but are you not tempted to put him on Tinder and find him a new GF with a child of a similar age?

My Mum said she was relieved when my stepmum came on the scene, as she (SM) was a sensible woman with her own DC about my age. So we would play together and therefore she would naturally keep an eye out for us, and, she was VERY motivated to train my Dad to do normal parenting risk mitigation.

Hmm. Some of those accidents may have been preventable, but something like your 6yo sticking a fork into his hand so hard it bled heavily? How is your h meant to anticipate that?!

Some of the accidents should not have happened. Are you sure he's actually supervising them like he claims. It sounds to me they are left to their own devices and when the shit hits the fan he's all faux remorse. Fwiw op my ex husband is exactly the same re the kids. He would rather be on his poxy phone than actually supervising his kids. One of them finally told me he just let's them get on with whatever so now he only sees them eow for a few hours and no overnights. I wouldn't risk it personally and are you absolutely sure he is watching them as he claims he does. This is a safeguarding issue to be honest.

@bloodyunicorns from what I can gather about the fork thing they were eating spare ribs and boys were squabbling over whether you should use a knife and fork. Ds2 was saying that he couldn’t pick it up with a fork as there’s a bone in the middle and he’d have to stab it THIS hard and stabbed it into the hand he wash sing to try and hold the spare rib still. Obviously I wasn’t there so I don’t know if that’s word for word what happened but I like to think I’d have stopped the squabbling and told Ds to just eat it with his fingers.

It did occurred to me to suggest that your DH might be dyspraxic... but then I thought about my sister and I, she works with children with a range of disabilities including dyspraxia and thinks that we both are, which explains some of our childhood of constant bloody knees, falling off bikes are our total absence of aptitude for sport.. it doesn't explain some of the risky situations that we grew up around or the truly tragic accidents that happened in our wider family which I am traumatised by. As adults, we have both faced many of our own fears, learned how to support our children in exploring boundaries that push beyond our own sense of comfort and how to do this safely. My sister pulled my brother out of a ditch in a bog which had she not grabbed the hood of his coat, he would have drowned, he was three, she was seven, we were alone and we were not safe. In my teens and twenties, I did not know how to explore my boundaries safely. She has taught me how to be a better parent than I would be without her. She reminds me that we should think about why we say no and if it is our irrational fear or if it is a risk we need to assess. She teaches me how to teach my children about how to be safe. I am so grateful to have such a wise woman as my older sister but it makes me sad, because she suffered from my parents neglect but she kept me safe, it should not have been down to her. While I can't speak for every mildly dyspraxic adult, that is a long way of saying, dyspraxia does not make you a shitty parent as Redplumbob said earlier.

I know kids have injuries and learn from their mistakes. I don’t wrap my dc in cotton wool by any means and they’re always having the usual bumps and scrapes and ds1 particularly is constantly walking into things, spilling things, knocking things over and generally causing chaos.

Would you be happy sending your child to school or to an after school activity where a quarter of the time they would be injured to the point that they need professional medical attention though? That’s not something I can relax about.

Exdh has never shown any signs of being dyspraxic. He’s incredibly sporty and I think a lot of the problems stem from him assuming ds1 can do the things he could do at 9. Ds1 still can’t catch a ball or tie his shoelaces as he gets in such a muddle.

Ds1 still can’t catch a ball or tie his shoelaces as he gets in such a muddles.
That is not typical development. My son is most likely dyspraxic and cannot catch a ball either. And has a lot of accidents when out and about.

Would you be happy sending your child to school or to an after school activity where a quarter of the time they would be injured to the point that they need professional medical attention though? I know of children who come out of school at least weekly with deep cuts, bruises, head bangs etc. They're not such a rarity.
Also, proportionately if your frequency is accurate, with 2 children that means 3 accidents a year. Not really as high as the inference.
I'd be more concerned if he didn't seek medical support tbh.

Fwiw, the spare ribs episode is bizarre. And I'd hope that most children would have the sense not to do that!

@ChoiceMummy i know it’s not typical development, ds1 has dyspraxia.

@ChoiceMummy why do you think the frequencies listed isn’t accurate? He’s had them for 42 weekends since we’ve split and one of the has required hospital or medical attention on 10 of those weekends. That’s nearly 25% as I said.

I missed where you said in your OP that your son has dyspraxia, that explains a lot

Does your husband understand what this is and what different strategies are needed for him?

@bellac11 he certainly knows what dyspraxia is but he doesn’t seem to adapt for it, if that makes sense. He keeps forgetting that ds1 struggles with basic tasks and, as ds1 never likes to make a fuss, he won’t say he hasn’t done up his shoes laces or ask for a bit of extra help jumping across a stream or whatever which then leads to accidents.

Ah, that makes sense. God. Eating with fingers is a much better idea.

I can see why you're concerned.

As I said, you saying 25% of the time there are accidents is overegging the pudding. It still works out as 2 to 3 accidents a year for one child.

I 'm not sure what more you want him to do? I understand you feel that you're superior and reduce risks etc. Equally, that could well be stifling the children who should be making their own risk assessments too. As I said my child has multiple additional needs, but part of my role as mother is to get them to mitigate and reduce their own risks when choosing how to play etc. Sometimes I accept that this means saying no, don't do that because you will do xyz. But other times it's to try and get them to be more reflective.

This shouldn't be about labelling the father as less competent than yourself. It should be about empowering the children. And both of you seem negligent in this atm.

If social services are referred to, I'm sure you'll be quick to make sure that they see you as helicopter parent and him as reckless. But they will see through all of that.... Neither approach is perfect and you need to coparent in the best interests of your children.

For now, OP, why don't you make a list of the accidents with times and dates and send it as am e-mail to ex to let him know you have a record of it. Maybe this knowledge and seeing it in black and white, listed, in the cold light of day will give him pause.
If you still feel you must let him have your children unsupervised, then you have a record; when something happens that you do want to keep him away from them, you have notes of communication over this.
Personally, I would ignore contact agreements until professionals have become involved and assessed. It's too much to risk.

@ChoiceMummy do you think my kids school and all the after school activities they do are also stifling them and wrapping them in cotton wool as they’ve never once required medical attention when they’ve been there? Is it stifling to see a child who is unable to walk in a straight line standing on a two foot high wall with concrete either side and announce he’s going to do a cartwheel to, not necessarily stop him, but be ready to catch him when he inevitably falls off? Or if a child is diving like a dolphin in foot deep water would you tell him to do it somewhere deeper before he knocks his teeth out or just let him knock his teeth out because you don’t want to stifle his freedom?

@ChoiceMummy but he only has them alternate weekends.

25% of the time is a lot. It doesn't seem like he's supervising them properly. It's easy to screw up and beg for forgiveness later again and again. Truly apologetic would be to show a real effort to change.

There is the option of supervised visits if you are really concerned and honestly it sounds like you have a good case for this.

you saying 25% of the time there are accidents is overegging the pudding. It still works out as 2 to 3 accidents a year for one child

I believe OP said these referred to accidents requiring medical attention? This absolutely is excessive.

I brought up 3 boisterous and adventurous boys. They played football, went to adventure playgrounds, rode bicycles, skateboarded, went to scouts and cadets, white water rafting, hiking up mountains.......

I recall only one incident requiring medical attention. ONE. A broken toe...