Don’t know what I’m doing and feel very low :-(

[WorryMcGee]

I have a 4 week old daughter. Initially I thought I was coping okay but now I’m not sure I am, and my husband is about to go back to work.

She was born via elective c section and some milk did come in but we have had so many issues (I started another thread on this) and after spending a fortune on lactation consultants, shields, supplements, you name it I have almost made peace with the fact bf is not going to happen. I have hired a pump but now have mastitis, ducts on one side that won’t unblock and severely cracked nipples on the other side (and a sinus infection yippee) I’m managing to get about 200-250ml a day so she has that and Aptimil formula for the rest.

I mention the feeding because I’m worried it’s why she’s so unsettled at night/around feeds. She shows no hunger cues at all - I really do look for them - until it’s too late and she’s screaming. We pace feed her and she screams and strains and writhes around whenever the bottle is not in her mouth. She screams when trying to wind her as I thought it might be that. She stops screaming completely when she’s not hungry but feeding her is a total stressful nightmare as it’s a fight until she’s full (she was like this on the breast as well, another one of the many reasons it didn’t work out for us - she would whack the nipple shields off or if I finally managed an okay latch she’d move). She possets a bit but it’s not projectile. When she’s not hungry she’s very calm, happy to lie in her bassinet and look at everything, naps fine and only cries when her nappy is being changed. If it was reflux she’d be uncomfortable afterwards right? Not screaming during the feed but then totally fine afterwards?

At night - and only at night - she grunts and writhes around and won’t settle. She also sounds snotty and kind of gurgly? This has gotten worse over the last week and last night was impossible - she woke up at 2:30, I fed her, and she wouldn’t settle at all - eyes like saucers and grunting/writhing/whinging whenever I put her down. This went on until my husband fed her again at 5:30 when she started screaming, and then we just got up as she wouldn’t settle again. She’s bloody well asleep now though. In her pram bassinet. Silently with no fuss whatsoever.

I was worried it was wind so tried infacol which doesn’t seem to do anything. Cycling legs, tummy massage, all the burping tricks - don’t work, just upset her. Saline drops and tilting the crib doesn’t do anything - but she doesn’t need any of this in the day anyway so I don’t understand why we have problems at night.

In the back of my mind a voice is telling me that all of this is because I’m not breastfeeding her. I‘ve gone from dreading breastfeeding her to dreading feeding her at all because of the screaming. I spoke to my GP when I saw her for the mastitis and she said it’s normal and they grow out of it? I feel so tired and ill and low 😞 sorry for the long post.

@Dinneronmybfpillow you have described my life…😩

If it helps, these aren't my first and I still feel clueless! My mother was here today and I was asking her "is this normal? Do you think it's wind? Is it CMPA? Is it normal for them to poo so much??" 🤣

Do what works for you - I think you've given it a damn good go at bf but it really isn't the be all and end all. All your parenting decisions (bf/bottle, baby led weaning/purées, childcare or SAHM) NONE of it matters as long as it's what works for you.

But it WILL pass. It all does. My good friend says babies should come tattooed with the words "it's just a phase" on their foreheads

You can do it. It's shit and really, really hard, but you will get through it. I felt like I'd been dropped into a new job that I'd had no training for and no idea how to do it.

You will settle into a routine in time, but tiny babies generally don't follow a pattern for a few weeks and just feed/sleep/poo randomly. Some feeds are great and they're contended and calm, some are impossible and you worry and worry... until the next one goes well and you calm down again. One really good tip I learned is that if they're asleep and their hands are still curled up, they're likely still hungry and will wake soon. Flat, relaxed hands = longer sleep.

Also - it's ok if you don't enjoy this bit. Of course you're happy to have your lovely baby, but newborns are hard work. It doesn't last forever, I promise.

When mine was young I never got hunger cues, never worked out what his cries meant (all sounded the same to me), never could get him to burp, he barely slept - it was hell. He was fully breast fed. Let me tell you I'll take a 16 year old doing GCSE exams (what I have now) over a young baby any day of the week!

She's probably screaming because she's hungry and frustrated. Make her up a bottle and let her decide when she's finished, she will naturally let the bottle fall out of her mouth. Definitely keep winding and moving her around after feeding, and definitely try gripe water!

No problem. Your mental health is very important. I'm sorry it's so difficult. It will get better.

You obviously love your baby very much and this is all they really need. Whatever else you do is secondary to them knowing they are loved.

Life with a baby gets a lot easier when you stop worrying about you 'should' be doing and just do whatever actually works!

I'm so glad 'paced feeding' wasn't mentioned when I was starting to feed my newborns, sounds incredibly stressful. My advice is stop pumping and make peace with formula feeding. Feed your baby on demand as much as she wants and hopefully things will get easier. Good luck!

Every time your baby wakes up, fed her.

At 4 weeks old there's a very high chance that he reason she woke is hunger, crying or not. You need no other feeding cue than 'Baby Woke Up'.

Husband is making quesadillas, I have poured myself a glass of wine 🙂and a bottle is ready for when she wakes up next.

I should clarify - a bottle of formula for the baby, not a bottle of wine for me 😂

🤣😂 enjoy that wine, it’s well earned and I hope the next feed goes better!

Glad you have wine and dinner- much deserved. You are doing so well and like PPs have said no one knows wtf they're doing with the first baby and tbh I still feel at time I don't know wtf I'm doing with this second one- they're all so different! I agree with your midwife- if you can make peace with putting an end to pumping now, give yourself permission to release yourself from what.you must feel is an obligation (it isn't an obligation at all BTW!) then do it. You'll have to do it eventually at some point. Friends of mine who have incredibly difficult feeding journeys have often talked to me about feeling like they 'needed permission'to stop providing breastmilk. They felt so much guilt about it all thy almost needed someone.to tell them: right that's it stop its gone far enough.
With this baby I've given myself that permission from day 1 and have been so much happier as a result, feeding in a way that works best for me. Give yourself that permission too- or get hubby too if you aren't ready to yet or us lot on here can too if you want/need!

I BF my first (vag delivery), come hell or high water. Turned into hell. He screamed for hours every evening for nearly 5 months. I read your post and it brought it all back 😱 Infacol, exhaustion, expert advice, desperation, agonising about birth weight, the works. It all stopped as soon as he started solids. I guess he was just hungry. I threw all those sodding baby books in the bin and that was the start of enjoying being a mother. My second got three weeks breast and as soon as she started crying a lot went straight on the bottle, and we were all a lot happier. They've both turned out fine, except the first one (yes, the breast fed one) was the one with eczema, asthma, bronchiolitis, ADD. Don't feel guilty, do your best, walk away from the experts, IME they know nothing useful.

Oh OP, I think your post resonates with literally anyone who has had a baby, CS or VB; BF or FF.

I would say that paced feeding isn’t supposed to be about taking the teat out of baby’s mouth but making sure just the nipple part is full, keeping the bottle horizontal rather than tipped up with the whole teat full of milk so that baby can spit the teat out when they’ve had enough - like on the breast! Clearly that wasn’t communicated to you and that’s disappointing on the part of the lactation consultants.

If you felt you could continue pumping 1 or 2 times a day (you’ve done an amazing job getting 250ml into baby - an average bf is somewhere between 80 and 150ml so you’ve given her so much goodness), check you’re using the right size funnels! If you Google you can find instructions on measuring your nipples etc. That could help with the mastitis. I’m sure you’ve come across it but Kellymom has a lot of useful
advice for plugged ducts (kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/mastitis/) and Lucy Ruddle’s book on combination feeding could be useful (www.amazon.co.uk/Mixed-Up-Combination-Feeding-Necessity-ebook/dp/B08VC4WFDG).

Wishing you all the best. It does get easier!

If anything, letting her eat more has made the nighttime screeching, writhing, gurgling and nasal congestion worse. I’ve had no sleep again because of it. I don’t think the mastitis is getting better either as I still have a temperature and feel feverish.

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough night. Apologies if you've already said but are you on anti biotics for mastitis? Again apologies if you know already but you can alternate paracetamol and ibuprofen up to the max daily dose of each per 24 hours so that can help to keep on top of your pain and fever. Also get ice packs on boobs when you can.

Things to try to help her congestion:
Snot sucker tube- really grim but can yield good results
Saline nasal spray- sterimar do one and can buy in most chemists. Double check but I'm pretty sure its suitable from birth.
Take her into steamy shower or bathroom with you just before bed.
Use humidifier in the room she sleeps in and put a few drops of baby olbas in it.
Calpol plugins are also really good although not sure if there's age limit on them.
If she's sleeping in a next to me or similar crib then tilt the cot slightly at the head end so her head is higher than feet. On a next to me you can do this by adjusting the height setting on one end. Only recently discovered this myself.

Have you had baby checked for tongue tie by a professional with explicit tongue tie training? Midwives, health visitors and even paed docs usually don't have explicit tongue tie training. Posterior ties can be hard to spot. Tongue tie doesn't only impact feeding and weight gain etc it can also impact sleep. Check out fox and moon sleep on insta for more info. You can ask you HV for NHS referral for tongue tie however wait list can be v long. You can find a local qualified practitioner online via the association of tongue tie practitioners. They will charge for consult and then usually a small additional charge if there is a tie they need to release.

Tilting cot can also be helpful for reflux babies too.

Newborns are generally incredibly loud sleepers. With my first I was astounded by how noisy my DD was. It was like sleeping next.to gollum tbh. In the end I used ear plugs. They shut out the snuffling and snorting and gurgling and shuffling etc but as she was in room with me they wouldn't shut out crying. Using them again now whilst room sharing with my 4month old. I recommend Quies foam ones- can get them on amazon.
Have you had any luck getting better burps using wonky winding technique?

Op my equally noisy, throaty baby had a slightly better night. Things we did differently were: trying to keep her up longer during the evening, went out for a walk and I think that and the fresh air tired her out a bit. Put her crib on a slight slant (the next to me cribs do have this function). Tried her with an anti colic bottle instead of her usual ones for the 2am feed. She still grizzled but nowhere near as bad as the previous night.
I hope you're ok. Try and get seen for the mastitis as you may need antibiotics. And try to remember it's not that you're doing anything wrong, babies just cry.

Mine was like this. Ended up being diagnosed with CMPA and silent reflux. She was cesarean born to.

Have you got antibiotics for the mastitis?

Have a look at infant GERD. Some of the symptoms you describe do fit.

Thanks everyone. I have got antibiotics, I’m halfway through the course ☹️ the cot is already tilted, and I was told I can’t use any of the plug-in type things or olbas etc until she’s older?

She was checked for tongue tie by the private lactation consultant we saw about the feeding, we chose her because she is also a tongue tie practitioner. She said there was a very very slight posterior tongue tie that she didn’t think was worth snipping.

Still can’t really get burps out. All she does is scream. I’m worried it’s all because of an allergy or something but I just get told it’s normal whenever I ask medical professionals.

@WorryMcGee you can use snufflebabe oil