6 year old toilet training

[Giraffe1312]

Hi. I’ve read loads of threads from people going through the same as me but I’d love to hear from people who went through it and that eventually it may have stopped or they found a solution.

son is in year 1. Started potty training at 2. Has never been dry. Odd weeks here and there at the most. Found out he has an overactive bladder. Tried medicine. Now on a tens machine. It’s helped a lot. He can be dry if he wants to be. Yes he has to go more frequently than others still but his bladder will only get bigger if he drinks enough and let’s it fill and gets to the toilet.

He openly admits he is lazy and can’t be bothered to get out his seat and go. He doesn’t care about being wet. He doesn’t admit he’s wet. He doesn’t get up to sort it out. He makes more effort in school but still has daily accidents.

we have tried fully ignoring this. He cleans himself up and puts everything in the wash. We have tried so many different rewards. We have tried taking things off him. He does not care about anything. He’s happy. He has a stable happy home. He likes school.

the over active bladder hasn’t helped but we have that mainly sorted now. Now it’s down to him.

im at my wits end. Help!

I should add. No constipation issues. No infection issues. If I put him on a schedule he rebels even more. It’s clearly a control thing but I can’t work out how to make it better

Hi OP, you might want to ask MNHQ to move this for you be I see it’s in webchat. Just report your own post to make this happen.

have you spoken to Eric, the bowel and bladder charity? They’re a wealth of information about this kind of thing.

Have I done it in the wrong place? So sorry. Not sure what I’m doing. Yes I’ve been through the entire Eric website

Your son may say he doesn’t care, but another perspective is that he’s embarrassed and trying to cover up / ignore these accidents. It’s a common avoidance strategy.

Can school be more proactive in keeping him to scheduled visits to the toilet - taking him to go at breaks, beginning of lunch / after lunch? I had my school do this with my daughter, as the temptation to play versus a boring task like going to the toilet was hard for her to manage independently until she was 8 or 9.

or perhaps a vibrating reminder watch so he has discreet prompts to go?

can you make toilet visits at home non-negotiable , so he knows that at x time he has to go. Reward him for keeping to the schedule and not for being free of accidents.

also - what is he drinking? Things like juice and squash might be irritating his bladder - could he switch to plain water or very weak squash perhaps?

In very short measure, his peers will start making fun of him for sitting in his own piss, and at that point you may find him motivated to try harder.

Thank you for your reply. We’ve tried that with school and the more you put him on the a schedule the more he rebels. We’ve tried the buzzy watch. He ignores it. He only drinks water nothing else. If I ask him to go he refuses. I could try a reward for a schedule though instead of a reward for keeping dry. I’ve tried so many different rewards and everything lasts about 2 days and then he can’t be bothered again. I will try a reward for the schedule though thank you

I’m almost longing for this to happen. At the mo no one bats an eyelid. Although his older brother’s friends take the mick out of him when they see him wet in the playground and it doesn’t phase him yet

I have this with my almost 5yo, will just do a stealth poo. He is fine with pees usually. You have my sympathies with this toileting malarkey.

Mine doesn't care for incentives.

I feel your pain. I’m hoping someone is gonna come on and tell us that something worked or it just went away eventually. It’s been 4 years of this now 😭

I hope this happens when my youngest begins school, as horrible as it sounds because he just isn't listening to us.

OP hopefully it doesn't come to this, but asking your school to schedule in regular toilet breaks may help?

My son will probably require this if he isn't fully toilet trained by start of the school year...

I’m not sure how to reply to peoples direct posts. I press reply but it goes as a new comment? We’ve done the scheduling with school. He just gets really mad at them or anyone if it we try and control him with it. Then it’s even worse

Is he NT? At 6 this is quite unusual behaviour.

Looking at this from a long lens - he will grow out of it.
However if you have tried everything perhaps you have to accept you can't solve this for him.
My similar son is now 15 and he was definitely sorted by the end of year 2. If there isn't a medical problem I think you need to take the pressure off - don't mention it, don't reward or punish.

Is he under the continence team? My daughter has chronic constipation and were under them and they are really helpful. My daughter often has accidents (poo ones though). She’s in year one but she is upset when it happens. Last year though she just wouldn’t go to the toilet when she felt the urge because she was too busy having fun or just couldn’t be bothered. The consultant recommended she sit on the toilet with an iPad to encourage her to go to it and to relax on it. So we did and it definitely helped. Slightly annoying when she’s on there for half an hour at times but at least she’s pooing! You could try that maybe?

If it's a laziness problem could you do anything to extend the clean up so it's much more effort then going, like maybe saying he needs to go for a shower after every accident. It would be a faff for a while but maybe the minute away from what he's doing to go for a wee would seem like a good deal compared to 15/20 minutes of shower and getting dressed again.

Thank you. This is what my mum is telling me too. It feels wrong to ignore peeing on your sofa / family sofa / friends car seats etc. like I’m condoning it. But I suppose making a fuss of it isn’t getting me anywhere either. We have tried ignoring things and got to about a 6 month mark and then thought maybe we should try something else. But maybe we will have to go back to it. Thanks for replying.

Thank you. At the moment he has to change, put his stuff in the wash, pack his bag of spares for anywhere we go and also carry it in a ruck sack. I could add a shower in thank you. I look forward to the water bill 😂

He’s under the bladder team yes. He poo every day no issues and never has accidents with that. Bladder scans have confirmed no constipation issues. He sits and has a poo every morning before school to make sure it’s empty and doesn’t add extra pressure for his day. That’s one thing he has sorted.

I agree, this reminds me of my ds with ASD. Are you sure there's not more going on?

Sorry what’s NT?

He has no characteristics of anything like that and school are happy with him?

How would he react to wearing a nappy/pull ups??

He wears them at night with no bother. I have thought about this numerous times. I think he would enjoy it and not bother to go toilet at all. But I haven’t tried it. I worry 1) it’s going backwards and 2) would it look really bad like I was publically trying to embarrass him? 😬

Hi OP. After lurking for literally years iv joined Mumsnet only to answer your post because I know how I felt a few yrs ago. I want you to know - IT GETS BETTER.
But not overnight, it's a gradual thing and after many years you just realise actually the accidents are fewer, smaller, and it's improving.
My son is 8 going on 9 and boy have we been here. Like you we started training around age 2, maybe 2.5. unlike your son my son didn't rebel but we just didn't achieve dryness. He just didn't seem able /bothered to get to the toilet before weeing a bit. We also got the OAB diagnosis although tbh I think they just say this when they don't know why your child can't seem to hold and isn't getting there. I had no such issues with my second and third kids despite years thinking maybe I'd somehow got training him wrong.
First up please understand altho he might act like he doesn't care this is really common and your son likely DOES care but acts out due to shame. Dont get cross with him and focus first on him taking responsibility and changing when he's wet etc. If the TENS machine is helping then this is a medical issue not him just being lazy. I know you tried the buzzy watch but is it worth trying again as this was pretty successful for us with the support of school. I did however have to programme it carefully so it went off at times that were suitable so not for example right at start of lunch meaning he'd miss his place in the queue if he went.
Things to consider:
We have found artificial sweeteners in drinks and other foods are a BIG problem, also are a few fruits he is intolerant to. Melon can make it worse. They defo make the bladder worse.avoid foods like low sugar and salt baked beans which contain a load of sweeteners, and some yoghurts, squashes etc. Milk intolerance has been linked to this issue in some kids.
Do the 'before and after' technique if he doesn't comply with going on a schedule. You say things like 'we'll just go to the toilet before we go out to the park' or 'lets just use the loo after lunch'. I found it works best before stuff as it sort of hints the message 'you need to do a wee and only then will we go do the fun thing you want to do/put the TV on' etc.
Screens are often an issue with this. They get really into show or game they are on and their brain doesn't pay enough attention to signals. Insist he uses the toilet before going on a screen.
Please PM if you want more advice, you are not alone this issue is more common than people know

Sympathies OP, I've had this with both of my DDs.
The eldest is nearly 8yo now. Nothing worked for her, but it has got better over time. She still has small accidents regularly (leaving a 50p-sized spot of wee or poo smears), but is better at holding it whilst she runs to the loo and doesn't wet through or fully poo herself any more. She says she goes from not needing it at all to busting in seconds. We have been bounced between different HCPs, none of whom seem willing to tackle it, and are currently awaiting a referral to an OT. School let her go to the loo whenever she needs, which has really helped; she just has to do a silent 'T' sign with her hands to her teacher and she can go. She is also awaiting an appointment to be assessed for ADHD, so there is a liklihood it could be related to that.
DD2 is nearly 6yo and she only has wee accidents. Nothing has worked to improve things for her either other than time, but we are down to 1 in school and 2 or 3 at home a week. She sometimes goes through a bit of a regression for a few weeks though, and that can see multiple accidents a day. Like DD1, she says she doesn't feel it until it's suddenly desperate.