Newborn hell

[Krimson]

My beautiful son was born on Sunday evening after an intense labour. I was induced on Friday which ended up with the balloon taken out at midnight Saturday. I was then kept in hospital and given an epidural on Sunday at 7am and did not go into labour on Sunday night at 11pm which was a forceps delivery. I only got out of hospital last night at 9pm.

The first 24 hours were a dream however the 2nd night he was very unsettled and I ended up with no sleep however he slept during the day in his bassinet for 3 hour at a time but being in a loud hospital ward it was impossible to get sleeping.

I am currently in newborn hell and unable to sleep last night. My partner is amazing and we are staying at my parents but this baby is up to us to settle. He has had loads of poppy nappies and is drinking well (is forumla fed). I worried he had a stomach bug but phoned maternity who said it wasn't. I am formula feeding.

He screams blue murder with my partner. He hates his moses basket and I have the most success with his baby box on the living room floor as the room seems coolee but this isn't ideal so I am on the sofa I have so far done:

Skin to skin
Rocking
Feeding
Dummies
White noise
Light amps
Changing nappy.
Swaddling
Infacol

Nothing works, he sleeps on me and then refuses to sleep elsewhere despite not doing this in hospital. I have phoned triage but they say nothing to worry about. I dont expect a 3 day old to sleep all night but I cannot continue on no sleep and not being able to put him down. I feel like I've made a terrible mistake and want my old life back. I'm shaking and nauseous with tiredness.

I don't want to co sleep due to risks but can't take much more. I'm away to aboyne maternity to say I feel I don't feel safe and he won't settle on anyone except me. I just need some sleep. I don't went to cosleep due to risks and don't know how to either. Anh advice is needed and grateful

Sorry but this is totally normal

mine wouldn’t sleep other than on me for weeks

prop yourself up with lots of pillows and try to sleep
co-sleeping is safer than you probably think, but you won’t get a deep sleep because you’ll wake up if you feel yourself move the baby too much

and try and get a sling so the baby can be on you while you are doing other things.

remember that your body and smell and warmth is ALL he has known, and anything else seems really really scary right now.
he was probably exhausted after his birth and a bit sleepy in hospital but now he has got a bit of energy back, he wants his familiar and safe place

it might also be worth reading some articles/books about the fourth trimester and newborns so you can manage your expectations and also reassure yourself about what normal is

did you do an NCT or antenatal course? Lots of them also do ‘life with a newborn’ courses

This is normal, I think because you had such a tough time in hospital you were already exhausted before baby came which is why you're struggling so much now. When someone gets up this morning go to bed. If baby won't settle on them they can take him for a walk. It will pass I promise.

I'm sorry OP, it's incredibly tough. Unfortunately all of what you're describing is normal. My son didn't sleep regularly independently from me until 8 weeks at night and only started napping alone at 5 months 😬

Having a baby is a long hard slog if you don't get a magical one that doesn't mind being put down. You feel so tired that you think you will die, but you won't - you'll make it through.

My partner and I did shifts overnight then I used family and friends for nap help during the day. I co-slept until 8 weeks. Look up co-sleeping on the La Leche League. Co sleeping in a bed if following advice is fine, it's more the sofa that's a worry.

Most of the newborn days is about surviving. Do what you have to do to get through. My friend's baby only stopped sleeping on her at four months. It's normal.

Did you do any antenatal classes? I found NCT friends a lifesaver and still do now.

My son also had CMPA and reflux however I think they are diagnosed after one month old as lots of newborns are similar to what you're describing. To be honest the only thing that improved things for me was time. Your little baby has only known you and your heartbeat and your womb for nine months and so of course is attached to you, although I realise when you're exhausted and fed up that's a hard pill to swallow. Hang in there.

What advice did triage give? I'm sorry but it does sound normal for a newborn, esp after a difficult birth. It will get better, but it may take a while.

If he's not settling at all with you either, and you're in desperate need of rest, give him back to your partner. Baby may scream himself to sleep, but sleep eventually he will.

You obviously need a bit of recovery time, mentally and physically. Is Granny able to take him some of the time too, at least in the daytime?

(I know opinions and advice keep changing on co sleeping, but I did it with my younger child, following the safety advice.)

Hi OP congratulations on your new baby.

I hate to say it, but that all sounds very normal- including the thinking 'what the hell have I done!'

I wish the hospital had told me the second night I should just expect no sleep... it is very different to the first night when baby is still tired from birth.

I couldn't get my little one down in a cot for the first 6 weeks and I did co sleep which involved kicking my partner out the bed and following advice on the lullaby Trust. I dont recommend it as against advice but I let my baby sleep on me quite a bit and at night I did fall asleep like that (in bed). I wouldn't let my partner do the same.

re getting some sleep. Let your partner take the baby out-of-the house for a few hours so you can sleep. they likely will eventually settle and if they don't at least you have had a break...this is really.important as you need to be able to function. Your baby may prefer you right now, but they need to get to know/get comfortable with their dad as well.

have you tried walking baby in pram and have you tried a sling? both are things which I found helped settle DS and at least atop the crying. the sling in particular was a life saver as allowed me some freedom.

The fiest few weeks are tough but it does get better. You have support around you so make sure you use it. Don't be afraid to say clearly what you need.

I found someone else holding my crying baby torture... so if some one else has the baby to give you a break, asked them to take them where you can't hear them.

Didn’t want to read and run.

Firstly, congratulations on you’re new baby - it sounds like you’re doing a great job.
I’m currently on week 14 with baby no.2 and everything you’ve described rings true to those early days.
You are your baby’s everything, as it’s all they’ve known for the past 9 months, but it doesn’t make it any less gruelling for you. After a fresh nappy and feed, get your partner to take baby out for a walk in their pram to allow you to get some much needed rest. The motion of the pram should send them to sleep. Pop a t-shirt that you’ve worn in the pram as a sheet so it smells of you to give baby some comfort.
Best of luck! You’ve totally got this!

Totally normal whilst your partner is on pat leave take it in shifts. Sack visitors off just focus on napping your way through the days

Oh lovely. It is normal, but it's also hellish and such a shock, I'm sorry you're going through it.

The sooner you accept he won't be put down at the moment, the better. Look up the Lullaby Trust safe sleep guidelines and sort out a safe co-sleeping space. Do you have a next to me cot? I found I could put my baby in there with an arm around him, but most babies do prefer to just be on their nice warm, comforting mummy for the first few weeks.

Your partner needs to learn to settle him so you can sleep. Try having him wear a top or dressing gown that smells of you, or pass baby over very slowly when he's deeply asleep (about 20 mins after he falls asleep).

I promise it gets better.

Totally normal, google the forth trimester. Also definitely google safe co sleeping, even if just for a night to get some rest. I wasn’t keen on it at all but did it for two nights until I got my mojo back xx

OP you are doing everything right! And it sounds like you have a healthy newborn. A 3 hour stretch in the day is amazing, sleep when the baby sleeps as they say. They have no concept of night and day at this stage, I remember one night in the early weeks being awake 5 hours just trying to get DS to settle, this was his longest wake time to this point and I was tearing my hair out. Everyone I know coslept at on point or another, if only when their LO was poorly, because sleep is precious; so do some research of safe cosleeping and you may feel more comfortable with it. I preferred to cosleep without DH in the bed for example. And I coslept on the advice of my HV.

Thank you everyone. I'm a new parent so feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I know it will pass but doesnt make it easier at the moment as I suffer from anxiety.

I was so against co sleeping but looks like it might save my sanity. I've just ordered a next to me crib so will have that by tonight. I'll look up the guidance and did NCT classes too so will glean information from there. I like the top idea to give to others too. Everyone has offered to help

When people get up in an hour I'll go back to sleep. Triage were good and explained similar to here but that babies are awake more at night. They said for others like my mum and partner to do skin to skin to get him used to them.

I'll go read more information and start it now.

Ah those first days are tough! It does all sound normal but that doesn't mean it's easy! Take every opportunity to sleep during the day and lose the notion of night/day for now. When he sleeps, you sleep too, whatever time of day it is. Newborns often have their days and nights in reverse to start with so it's easier just to accept that.

You're formula feeding so your partner can help with that. Has he tried skin to skin etc?

Also newborns poop A LOT. You will be changing nappies constantly at first. It does die down eventually!

Hand over baby to your partner, stick some ear plugs and white noise on, and leave them to it for a few hours.

Congratulations.

Your baby is perfectly normal. He's only heard your heartbeat so only feels safe when he's sleeping on you can can hear it.

It was my partner who got my DD to eventually sleep in her cot overnight for 7 hours at 8 weeks.
He:

• did skin to skin with her as I couldn't in hospital.
• held her regularly throughout the day and learnt to settle her otherwise I couldn't eat, have a shower etc
• changed her nappy
• bathed her without me there
• took her out for walks wearing a baby carrier
• put her down to sleep

I mixed fed so my partner was the one who initially gave her a bottle in the evening around the time she cluster fed.

It's a bit harder now as its light in the evenings but you could get your partner to do all the feeds bottles in the evenings between a certain time. So when your partner goes back to work this can continue.

This is what the early days are like. Your partner needs to take the baby so you can sleep even if he cry's all the time no harm will come to him. You need to take turns and put ear plugs in so you sleep

I can relate! Me and my husband did shifts. I stayed up till 12, then he did 12-5am and I got up at 5! It was knackering but I promise it gets better. We then moved on to the next to me.
Mine also HATED the pram so we got a baby carrier which meant she could sleep on me and I could have a bit of independence back. I remembering actually making toast for myself while the house slept with her snoozing in the carrier on my chest, dropping crumbs on her little head but feeling more like me again!

Totally normal and this bit will be over before you know it - although it really does feel like hell while it's happening. Longer hospital stays and hard labour's before hand won't have helped you either it's no wonder you are exhausted. Can someone take baby for a drive? I know it's not exactly eco friendly but it usually works to settle a crying baby, or failing that a walk in the buggy? That way he is safe and hopefully being settled while you can't hear him so can possibly get some sleep. I found putting a top that I've worn in the moses basket (wrapped around like a sheet) helped a little as well. You will get through this OP and congratulations on your new baby.

Can your partner or parents watch over you while baby sleeps on you if you are worried? It means mother and baby both get rest. Although I found bedsharing really hard as I struggle to sleep while in physical contact with anyone - I like my space! It took some getting used to but it definitely helped sleep.

At one point I also cut the side out of the baby box so it was like a next to me crib and slept on a floor mattress as DS did seem to settle well in the box!

You will get through the first week and then the next one and before you know it you'll be weaning a bouncing baby and considering doing it all over again haha! Congratulations!

There's also a big hormone drop at this point. Be kind to yourself, it feels absolutely shit, I know xx

The early days are brutal! I had to accept co sleeping was the only way to get through the first few weeks. Then we managed to transition to the next to me crib but it took a while and we used to use a hot water bottle so it wasn’t freezing cold as well as swaddles to make sure baby didn’t startle awake. It’s a tough business but it does get better (unless you have colic or other issues to deal with!) so hang in there and do anything you can to rest.

Congratulations, OP!
This is normal, it is a challenging time, but it will pass.
First, you need times when you know your baby won't wake you so you can settle for a nap, however short; your partner (or family member) needs to take your baby out, fed and changed, and promise not to return for a couple of hours. During this time, your baby may cry, as you describe, but your partner needs to be strong in his resolve not to go back home sooner, trusting that baby is fed, and that he can change him while out if necessary and just gently reassure and soothe him. Your partner needs to be able to hold the line here.
Next, do co-sleep. Absolute game changer. It may mean you don't sleep with DP for a while, but see that as a win: it'll mean your DP is rested enough from sleeping in the spare room to do an early morning pram walk for an hour or so, letting you sleep, or taking on an extra share of house work or shopping.
Third, it is nice if you know you have a rock-solid, non-negotiable time off at certain times of the day or week during which you are not called on to step in to do anything at all, eg your partner is in sole charge every evening between 6.30-8 (you sleep), or your parents take him out for two hours every Saturday morning (you sleep), etc. Requesting, organising and negotiating these arrangements when tired are tiring, so it is great if it really can be times pledged to you and not wriggled on.
Get a good infant sling. Carry your baby, and be amazed. Like with the cosleeping, so much of this just melts away when keeping baby close. Like magic.
Lower other standards (housework, cooking, gardening, looking presentable) temporarily; prioritise sleep. Others can feed, change and comfort your son, but only you can sleep. Your sleep is paramount to you being able to function and enjoy being a mother, once this initial hump is cleared.
For your partner, he needs to be resilient to the sound of his son crying when they're not with you. Lots of men find this frustrating, become impatient and try to hand their babies back over to their partners. He needs to step up and be an ocean of patience and calm gentleness, super steady, and just keep pushing the pram, or wearing the sling, with the grizzly baby, and not worry that anything is wrong.
This initial stage is brutal, but you will come through. Just do what works, and cosleeping and sling wearing are definitely your friends. If this is not the done thing in your friendship group, find like-minded new parents at local groups or online. It can be hugely supportive to have a social network where your parenting choices are reflected, especially if your immediate family or friendship circle are new to your ways of doing things.
Best of luck and take heart, it does pass.

Well he had a tough time being born. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a bit sore from the forceps. It's a bit rude to be dragged out of your home by the head when you think about it.

All sounds pretty much how I remember newborns though. I had a big bed to myself so could co sleep.

Your OP took me right back to to hell of the first few weeks after my son. This is exactly why people end up co sleeping - it will happen unplanned anyway so it's better to plan for it. With my second baby I have co slept from birth and I feel a million times better.

Read up on the Safe Seven. It will be OK! If done properly it's as safe if not safer than sleeping in a cot.

Bear in mind baby won't see the next2me as co sleeping, real co sleeping is baby in bed with you, you can't breastfeed when they are in the next2me.

Sending love and solidarity!

Just reading your post brings back the horror of those newborn days.

Don’t worry about the ‘what the hell have I done feeling’! It will pass.

You will be tired, there is no escaping it but when baby sleeps in the day or snoozes on someone else take yourself to bed or lay on the sofa and sleep. Forget everything else.

This is all totally normal, I remember how horrendous it feels at the time but it only gets easier!

Relatable. First night both my ds slept like a dream, woke only to feed 2/3 times and I thought I had it nailed. Second night all hell broke loose and it was zero hours zero minutes sleep for me. In my experience he wanted cluster feeding and just wanted to be on me.

Try patting his bum and shhh-ing, rocking, humming, and hand over to his dad for a bit!!

Many congrats on your newborn son

I agree with PP’s, very normal for a newborn. My first DS was a very contented baby, DS2 a whole different ball game. I co slept, we bought a super king sized bed so we had more space. It worked for us. And yes definitely tag team. Unfortunately, my DH was self employed and went back to work the same afternoon I came home from hospital, so with a toddler under 2 and a very unsettled newborn, things were far from easy, thankfully my wonderful, late MIL, really helped me, she was awesome, and very, very supportive with practical help. Not sure how we would have coped without her help.

It will get easier, good luck.