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Parenting

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Original poster

Close friends with horrible children

78 replies

SantasComingToTown · 05/05/2022 10:15

Just looking for some advice from anyone who has experience of a similar situation.

My Best Friend who I’ve known since we were 3 years old has a 3 year old DS, I have a 1 year old, and as much as I love her, her child is so badly behaved I’m at the stage where I don’t like my son to be around him.

I know he is only 3, however there is absolutely no discipline from her side at all. She just lets him run ragged and he really is quite a spiteful little boy. He runs in the road, and has nearly been hit by a car 3 times when I’ve been with them, pulls a full shelf of products on the floor in the supermarket (which gets left until I pick it up). He’s banned from my house now as last time he came round he terrorised my poor pet, pulled my voile curtains and tension road down, scratched my hardwood floor, bit a chunk out of one of my candles, completely trashed the place and then also broke some of my sons toys. This was all acceptable to her, so I asked them both to leave. He also nips and bites other children.

I’ve been really blunt about this whole situation to her and how I find it unacceptable to allow him to treat someone else’s house, animals and things in this way, but the response is kids will be kids, he’s a toddler, he is learning, and that he doesn’t listen to a word she says anyway so there’s no point in telling him off (which is right he doesn’t). She hides behind the fact her son is ‘cheeky’ and ‘cute’ to justify his behaviour which I don’t think is helping the situation.

Whether I agree with it or not, it’s up to her how she raises her kids and if she allows him to trash her house etc that’s her problem, however his behaviour is now affecting our relationship, as I’m at the stage where I don’t want to go anywhere with her when I know her son will be there too (which is pretty much all the time). We’ve always gone on day trips together so it would lovely to go with both our kids too but as hers is so badly behaved with no consequences, I don’t want my son to pick up on his bad behaviour and start copying. I do so find it really stressful going out with them as I feel I have to watch her son as well as mine own, so he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how have you managed to protect your relationship with your friend?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Autisticteenheartbreak · 11/07/2023 15:03

To state the obvious, it could be SEN OR bad parenting.

My DS's best friend in reception was a child with similair behaviours to him, not good at sharing, would hit from time to time. They sort of found each other

DS was diagnosed with asd and went to a special school, this child is now an academic high flyer. He grew out of it. His parents are very nice but they were unbelievably ineffectual, while I worked my socks off to support DS and was constantly mortified, they just couldn't see that there was anything wrong with their DS's behaviour. Wierd

3WildOnes · 11/07/2023 15:14

MsMarch · 06/05/2022 19:36

@Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete your description of permissive authoritarian describes SIL to a T. Ignore ignore ignore then go completely over the top.

I think it can be easy to fall into a permissive authoritarian pattern if you have a child who has asd with a pda profile. When any gentle direction can cause a full blown melt down. So you ignore and ignore (to avoid said meltdown!) until you are completely frazzled and then shout.

Chattymumma · 11/07/2023 16:11

Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete · 06/05/2022 17:13

Sometimes I am sitting on my hands not to suggest diagnoses to people @MsMarch I can't unlearn all that I know about neurodiversity, sensory issues, learning difficulties etc. Yet all around me parents seem to prefer to outdo each other with stories of their terribly naughty children instead of acknowledging that their might be an unmet need. Usually with a permissive style of parenting or what I call permissive authoritarian where they swing between being very permissive and OTT disciplinarian with not much in between (ignore, ignore, ignore, shout, punish). My whole life changed as regards parenting when I switched to a authoritative approach (what some people call gentle parenting), but I get judged for not using naughty step/removing toys and activities/laying down the law "I'm the adult and you'll do what I say" type parenting. That's not what I mean by discipline. Discipline to me means supporting the child to feel safe and secure and able to manage their own emotions and reactions, teaching them the techniques to self regulate, connect and communicate, and eventually to empathise and have their own internal moral compass. This child sounds like he lacks discipline. Not that he needs a good talking to or punishment. He needs somebody to give him the boundaries he needs to feel safe and loved and to relate to others in a positive way.

Could you point out what to look out for as regards additional needs? Are there specific behaviours? How do you differentiate between challenging but normal behaviour and additional needs? May help OP and others with challenging children or friends who have challenging children!

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