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Original poster

Is my husband being unreasonable??

58 replies

lavender91 · 02/05/2022 12:51

Sorry for the rant first of all, but I don't know what else to do..
My husband is a very fussy person, likes things to be just so. Especially around the house. Things have to be exactly where he put them.
We have a 7 month old baby and my husband works from home full time. Overall he is a great husband and dad and we never normally argue or even rarely disagree, but the last couple of days have been awful.
He doesn't think that looking after a baby is full on, and expects the house to be spotless all the time. (Didn't like that occasionally I will leave dirty washing upstairs/ not empty his nappy bin, while I have to feed/change/ see to baby who feeds every 1.5/2 hours and makes a fuss if he's left on his own for more than 5 minutes
He said I manage to exercise, watch the TV or read a book,(which is very rare) so why cant I do these things.
I said looking after the baby will come before the housework, which I do do, but just not to his standards, where nothing can be out of place.
Husband will occasionally feed him, has probably changed about 10 nappies since he was born, as he says he hates doing it.
I appreciate that he works and looks after us in this way.
Also, we are going on holiday abroad with his parents at the weekend. I said to dh that I was going to sort my packing out this weekend just gone. While I was doing it, sorting my clothes and baby's clothes, I asked for some help. I just asked some normal questions. Eg. Do you think the baby will need this/that etc. I got told I was being ridiculous, I'm a grown woman, I should be able to pack for myself and the baby and by asking him for help I was wasting his weekend and I should've done it sooner.
I've been so upset and dont know what to do, and now feel uncomfortable in my own house, like I might put something in the wrong place or say the wrong thing.
Please help

OP posts:
MayorDusty · 02/05/2022 12:53

Is there a reason he can't do the housework himself if your efforts aren't good enough?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2022 12:54

Your husband is a prick. He's not a great husband or good father. He's a controlling, bullying twat.

If this is how he is now, I greatly fear for the future of your relationship.

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2022 13:01

MayorDusty · 02/05/2022 12:53

Is there a reason he can't do the housework himself if your efforts aren't good enough?

My question exactly.

I presume he knows where the vacuum cleaner is and can turn it on.

As for saying that he hates changing nappies, well that is just too bad. He is a parent now too and has to do his share of cleaning up the shit when not working.

As for going on the holiday, you pack for you (and probably baby, I would) but he packs for himself, I hope anyway.

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stuntbubbles · 02/05/2022 13:07

I would hand the baby over to him for a weekend (appreciate impossible really if you’re EBF) then swan back in 48 hours later and say, “Oh. And the dishwasher is stacked awry why, exactly?”

Hugasauras · 02/05/2022 13:09

He sounds like a dick.

'has probably changed about 10 nappies since he was born, as he says he hates doing it.'

Oh because we women absolutely love being elbow-deep in shit, of course! Hmm

AirportLife · 02/05/2022 13:14

Sorry but this is unacceptable behaviour. Why are you tolerating it? 10 nappies?? The home must be spotless? Not contributing to family chores at the weekend? Refusing to help pack for his holiday?? It's sounding abusive and controlling. Was he like this before baby?

If you tolerate this you'll be sending a message to your DD that this is how women should expect to be treated by a man, and the cycle will be repeated when she grows up and meets someone, just like her father. Please don't.

AliasGrape · 02/05/2022 13:21

He sounds like a twat. Rude, unsupportive, controlling and nasty.

Do you work? Are you completely financially dependent?

If it was just about the housework and him expecting you to do it all, well that would be shit although not hugely unusual. But it's not. It's also about the fact he thinks he can opt out of any of the bits of parenting he 'doesn't like' e.g. nappies, and he can't even have a normal, civil conversation with you about packing without being unkind and making you feel bad. He's being an utter shit and he's not being a good husband or a good father at all.

If you never argued or disagreed before, do you think that was maybe because you met all his demands re housework and keeping everything pristine? Did he used to help before the baby came along?

Also, working isn't 'looking after you'. He'd work whether you were there or not. He'd also have to clean his own house then too wouldn't he?

It's so tempting to say leave the baby with him for a weekend and see how well he gets on, but of course you couldn't because you can't even trust him to change a nappy.

I'd have a long, hard think about whether this was the kind of relationship I wanted to be in, and raise a child within. I'd be telling him some home truths, including how shit he's made you feel and ask if that was his intention. I really hope he listens and tries to do better.

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 02/05/2022 13:22

It’s shocking to hear just how lazy a parent he is being. This is a very long way from normal. My dh worked full time when our dcs were babies, the first thing he did when he came home was take the baby for a couple of hours for me to have a break. If ever I bemoaned not having done the washing/sorted the dishes/hoovered etc. he would tell me that those jobs were shared and that my focus was baby during the day.

you don’t get to opt out of the less fun bits of parenting. No one likes changing nappies, no one likes sleepless nights, no one likes all the boring, hard bits of it. If he’s not doing them, he’s a terrible dad. That’s it really.

Your relationship needs a huge rethink. The baby is not your responsibility alone. Whenever you’re both at home and not at work he is equally responsible for housework and parenting.

Your situation makes me really sad.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 02/05/2022 13:27

Wasting his weekend? Wanker.

You've been relegated to support person now. He is all important, his time has monetary value. Yours doesn't. At least that's how he sees it. Only you know whether he will change his mindset.

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 13:29

What an embarrassing failure of a man.

If you divorce the misogynist prick he will have to parent his kid and tend his own residence, you will get free time, be free from him, and be setting a better example on how to treat people, to your kid. Win/win!

Original poster
lavender91 · 02/05/2022 13:37

We tried to have a nice day yesterday so went out. We did have a nice day but I just had in the back of my mind all day everything that was going on. In the evening I got upset to which dh said he 'wasn't buying it' whatever this means, and I'm being disrespectful to him by not tidying up every single thing and I need to pull my finger out

OP posts:
MayorDusty · 02/05/2022 13:44

Sorry to be blunt lass but you are just staff.
Cheap staff with perks.
If you don't change things now you'll spend your life servicing this pillock and end up a nervous wreck.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/05/2022 13:46

He doesn't think that looking after a baby is full on, and expects the house to be spotless all the time.

You NNED to go out for the day and leave HIS CHILD with him. There is no other way to get the message through.

He sounds awful to be honest.

He's treating you with zero respect and sounds like he doesn't even like his own child.

Hugasauras · 02/05/2022 13:46

Please don't let your son grow up thinking this is how men speak to and treat women Sad

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2022 13:49

If my DH ever said half of the things to me that yours is saying to you I would be seriously considering divorce.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/05/2022 13:49

like I might put something in the wrong place or say the wrong thing

I'm sure we can all suggest a few places to shove some things and words to say to this sexist, lazy prick.

He doesn't like changing nappies? Well DON'T HAVE A CHILD THEN.

Please don't put up with being treated like a serf.

gamerchick · 02/05/2022 13:49

Tell your husband, the next time he critisises a task, you'll hear he's taking it off your hands and mean it.

Whatever00 · 02/05/2022 14:06

Before the baby were you expected to do all the household stuff?

Georgeskitchen · 02/05/2022 14:06

Is there any reason he can't get off his arse and help,? Does he work 24/7 7 days a week? What an appalling specimen he sounds.

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 14:07

Who cares what he says? He’s worthless. No need to put up with him.

Only4You · 02/05/2022 14:12

Well either you have been smoothing things Uber to please him bègues you had the baby
OR now he feels you are being trapped with a child, he has reverted to the 1950/us being abusive and controlling.

I suspect a bit of both :(:(

Ate you planning to go back to work? Because I’d be urbanising that first and foremost. He might get a lightbulb moment if he is forced to step up. More likely he’ll expect you to still do it all/carry on being controlling and a job will give you a much easier out.

MaChienEstUnDick · 02/05/2022 14:20

10 nappies in 7 months? So basically 1 or two nappies A MONTH? Because you presumably love cleaning up shite and wee...

Honestly, he is not stepping up to be a good father to your child, at all. Stop thinking of him as some sort of Fathering Provider God and start thinking of him as an equal partner - then start evaluating his performance, as he is so keen to evaluate yours.

brookstar · 02/05/2022 14:26

He is not a good husband or father.
Just because he works doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

I despise men like this. They think they're too good for housework and being a parent because they see that as womens work, which in turn translates into him thinking he's more important than the women in his life whose only purpose is to make his life easier.

What a dick.

ChairCareOh · 02/05/2022 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ldontWanna · 02/05/2022 14:42

Basically in his own words your priorities should be:

1.baby's needs
2.his needs
3.your needs but only if there's time and you've fulfilled ALL your duties on the first two.

God forbid you have some time off or do something for yourself.

If it bugs him that much, he can fucking do it himself. Just tell him you don't like it that much, just like he did to opt out of nappy duty. If it works for him...