Is my husband being unreasonable??

[lavender91]

Sorry for the rant first of all, but I don't know what else to do..
My husband is a very fussy person, likes things to be just so. Especially around the house. Things have to be exactly where he put them.
We have a 7 month old baby and my husband works from home full time. Overall he is a great husband and dad and we never normally argue or even rarely disagree, but the last couple of days have been awful.
He doesn't think that looking after a baby is full on, and expects the house to be spotless all the time. (Didn't like that occasionally I will leave dirty washing upstairs/ not empty his nappy bin, while I have to feed/change/ see to baby who feeds every 1.5/2 hours and makes a fuss if he's left on his own for more than 5 minutes
He said I manage to exercise, watch the TV or read a book,(which is very rare) so why cant I do these things.
I said looking after the baby will come before the housework, which I do do, but just not to his standards, where nothing can be out of place.
Husband will occasionally feed him, has probably changed about 10 nappies since he was born, as he says he hates doing it.
I appreciate that he works and looks after us in this way.
Also, we are going on holiday abroad with his parents at the weekend. I said to dh that I was going to sort my packing out this weekend just gone. While I was doing it, sorting my clothes and baby's clothes, I asked for some help. I just asked some normal questions. Eg. Do you think the baby will need this/that etc. I got told I was being ridiculous, I'm a grown woman, I should be able to pack for myself and the baby and by asking him for help I was wasting his weekend and I should've done it sooner.
I've been so upset and dont know what to do, and now feel uncomfortable in my own house, like I might put something in the wrong place or say the wrong thing.
Please help

I find this an upsetting read. I can do nothing but agree with the negative comments about your husband. I want to agree with @HighDudgeonAtBerks - this is far from normal. He needs to pull his weight - it's his baby. The first year is hard work. I was working full time but, fortunately only worked 15 mins walk away but my job writing software for overseas engineering projects was time consuming and stressful. I often worked long hours and stayed up late working at home after a full day at work but once my first daughter was born I was the one that got up in the night every single time - I did ask the mayor changes if needed, tried to settle her down or would bring her in for my wife for a night feed of all else failed - she best fed for 15 months and would know if she had not feed well during the day or had been grumpy that it would be best to bring her in. If also take her back to the cot afterwards. It was tiring and it did affect my work - I was tired and found concentration hard sometimes at work during the day but... There you go - that's the price you pay - no getting round it - life changes, life with a baby is hard work. I also used to take my daughter and look after her as soon as I got home because my wife needed a break of wanted to do other things. I feel emotional just thinking about how precious that time was - I felt like we both really worked at it - it was team work. Basically the baby came first in our priorities. I had an Algerian friend from work who also had a daughter - he was completely hands off - he saw it as his wife's responsibility - that marriage didn't last many years. I'm sorry you have this to deal with this failure of a man on top of looking after your child - I don't know how you are going to deal with him - he doesn't sound at all like a man you can communicate with and his attitude to you as you describe it is nothing but abusive and controlling. I hope you can stand up to him and get him to pull his weight otherwise I would seriously and quickly start thinking about how to exit this marriage - don't let him bully you. I would give him he'll to be honest - men like this disgust me.

Wow.

How do you bring yourself to be loving and intimate with a man like this?

He treats you worse than a servant or even a skivvy.

You can say he’s a ‘good man/husband’ (clearly not father) until the cows come home. But many of us know good men, and he isn’t it.

In fact, I find it baffling. How can you be so unaware as to describe someone like this as a ‘good man’?

Just for a bit of perspective, we had an uber high needs, super clingy baby who screamed every second she wasn’t touching me (later diagnosed ASD). I got no housework done. I could barely make myself a sandwich. DH would finish work and do all the cleaning and cooking and he did it without complaint.

Taking care of your child comes first. Taking care of yourself comes next. That doesn’t mean indulgence, it means making sure you are getting meals, showers, and the occasional mental breathing space that your husband no doubt gets during his day.

I really think you need to spend more time out of the house, leaving him with his child.
He might learn a few things.
I would also say to him that you will look into getting a cleaner as his standards are so high and you're busy with the baby.
That he's changed only around one nappy a month since your baby was born ( and he's at home all the time!) would make me reconsider his value in my life.

Your H (I can’t stretch to call him DH) is a sexist bully. You are being abused. Please seek help and leave him. Do you want this for your kids?

He's ruining your maternity leave. To give you a comparison on the opposite end of the scale...my husband feeds the baby at least one meal a day, changes nappies whenever, does the food shopping every week and cooks dinner for us most nights, does all the bins, if the baby's laundry bag is full will put it on etc and does most of the gardening and household admin. He works full time too. He gets up to settle the baby at least twice a night.

I'm still breastfeeding inc several feeds overnight so my husband sees my job is way above a full time job and expects me to care for our baby and if I can manage some housework some days that's a bonus. If I don't have time to put away the baby's things after breakfast before we go out to a class he will do if for us if he has the chance. Same here, if baby has a good long nap in the afternoon I'll do something off my husband's chore list.

Your husband isn't a good husband or a good father. He isn't about to change personality for the better. I would suggest Relate or split.

Please tell me you’re on mat leave and haven’t given up work.

What do you think is great about him as either a husband or a dad? He resents the fact he May have to do anything to make sure his child’s basic needs are met and he treats you like something he stood in.