I can't cope with my two year old at bedtime

[Robosled22]

My son is about to turn two. I have a daughter that is about to turn five. We try to do a routine for them every night, and my son rejects this routine consistently. When we go to brush his teeth, he screams and scratches and you have to physically restrain him to get his teeth brushed.

Then with bed, he will stand up, take his sleeping bag off and climb out of his cot. He's done this up to maybe 25 times before, finding it funny to struggle and wriggle and kick you whilst me and my partner are getting more and more livid each time.

He still wakes up in the night probably 3 or 4 times a week, and it doesn't matter when he goes to bed, he's up at the crack of dawn. 5:45 this morning after going to bed late yesterday evening. Sometimes as early as 4:40am.

By the time bedtime rolls around he's been tired and cranky for hours. Doesn't matter, it's so rare for him to just sleep.

He is a difficult toddler most of the time regardless. He climbs everything and it's like he enjoys seeing us get angry. We are both sleep deprived and DONE.

I have been getting so angry at him recently that when he starts mucking around at bedtime, I have taken to shouting at him and slapping his hand because it's the only thing that he responds to.

I cannot do all of the gentle mamby Pamby stuff 20 or 30 times. It does not work with him. I could rock him to sleep for half an hour and he'd get up and run around and jump out of bed. My daughter wasn't this bad when she had to sleep, and she was sleeping through til normal times from 3 months old. At 18 months he started to sleep through for a few weeks and then it went back to waking up crying at least once a night.

I cannot handle it any more. My daughter isn't perfect but my son is an awful, awful child to deal with at bedtime and mealtimes, as he refuses to eat about 90% of what we give him.

I can't cope any more, and have even found myself wishing we never had him. I absolutely love him, but he is too much effort, and is ruining our lives.

One of the problems is that however active his day is, he still gets up too early. He could be out running around for the whole day, have a good nap in the middle and still wake up at 5 the next morning.

It's difficult to get him out because he is so inquisitive and wants to run away. Also, my partner has terrible anxiety and won't leave the house willingly. I work full time and don't really get any quality time to myself, so evenings are child care followed by something boring and quiet because he's a light sleeper, weekends are for the kids.

I cannot carve out any time to be me. I am absolutely sick of just being a provider to everybody, when it feels like no one is providing for me. This has gone off on a tangent, but basically I am stressed and have no good options in front of me. I don't want to slap my son or get angry any more, but I can't help myself. I want to be able to put him down and have him go to sleep and not create a massive drama every night. What can I do?

Sorry you're going through this OP, it sounds very difficult. You mentioned he has a nap. Could you try dropping the nap? My DD is two and a half now and I found dropping her nap (which we did at around 27 months) made a massive difference to her sleep at night time.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Bedtimes can be so stressful, especially when you're exhausted and all you want is some peace for a couple hours.

How does your son fall asleep? Some highly strung kids (my own one included) need to be helped to relax/calm down before sleep til a much later age than others. Can he be fed to sleep (if you breastfeed), or does he maybe take a dummy? Will he lie relatively calmly if he's read a story or sung to? Does he have a comfort item at all?

I literally logged into mumsnet just now because I am absolutely done with my 2 yr old as well. Your post is exactly like my situation and I feel I was meant to stumble across it right now because I’m feeling so depressed.

Like you, bedtime is a FIGHT. I can’t do it anymore, I don’t have any fight left in me to keep up this bullsh*t repetitive straining and draining routine day in day out.

I’ve tried everything, toddler runs away when getting pyjamas on, runs out of bed, runs away when nappy is getting put on, literally have had to wrestle each other into bed and then I need to lay with her until she nods off, sometimes she gets up and leaves the room and I have to do it all over again.

I also find myself daydreaming about life prior to this battle and how much my life is ruined now. I know you will understand and I know others may not and probably think it’s an awful thing to say.

Please tell me if you ever find a solution and I will tell you if I get there first.

Life is just rubbish right now!

And can I just add I’m talking about a toddler who doesn’t nap, so can’t skip a nap that doesn’t exist. She goes to nursery so she’s got to be shattered. She just doesn’t have a switch off button and when you have other kids you can’t just stop everything to put one difficult child to bed, I wish it were that easy.

I have a two year old and six year old, on my own at bedtimes with them. The two year old is a bad sleeper and the only solution I’ve found at night is taking her in my bed, she still wakes up a few times a night but there’s less crying.

Something I wonder from reading your post is if it’s worth switching from a cot to a toddler bed, since he can climb out anyway? Seems like it’s become a game.

My youngest doesn’t nap either and both my kids started dropping their naps at around 18 months, so I totally get the energy levels. They can be taken to soft play or the park for hours and still be running round the room in circles at bedtime, then up at 5am. It’s relentless!

Could you take him for a walk in the evening down the road and then phone ahead and get your husband to run a sleepy lavender bath and turn the lights down low, get him in that while you talk to him about the things you saw on the walk and then read a book with him and stay while he goes to sleep for a bit? Might that work. It sounds really stressful and upsetting as it is.

It sounds like it’s time to move to a proper bed with a duvet, and not a cot with a sleeping bag as it’s become a game for him. It also sounds like he’s outgrown his nap, and it’s time to drop it. When you first stop him having a nap, be prepared for a challenging week as he adapts - I found my dd would crash out at about 5, but I used to give her something sugary to keep her going a bit longer, eg a biscuit.

Finally, could you try leaving an audio book on in his room so he has something to listen to while he lies there trying to sleep

Ds is 2 and a half. Bedtimes been for the past 6 months or so, since he started trying to drop his nap, he has weeks where he won't have it, then all of a sudden start needing it again.
The only successful way we've got to him to sleep (which is a rod for our own back) is dh or I get in our bed with him, read his bedtime story, sing him a song and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. His bedtime is 7.30, he can still be awake around 9/10 o'clock some nights. But once he's asleep he can be moved to his bed, and then he's back in our bed around 3am... but by then we've had at least 3 or 4 hours sleep, so can manage the fidgeting from him.

Sorry really long winded way of suggesting settling him in your bed. It may work, even if it's short term as it'll be a new place to go to bed.

Being stuck in the house all day with your anxious partner won't help, neither will shouting or physical punishment! Your post reads like you hate your poor child, with words like livid and angry and describing him as an awful, awful child. He's 2 ffs! This is life with many 2 year olds, they need love, patience and understanding, not anger and slapping. This phase will pass, saying things like he's ruined your life and feeling so negative towards him will come through, and be extremely damaging to him. I suggest you seek professional help to help you keep your temper and safeguard your poor son.

I'll be honest, half of these are absolutely mental. Your kids getting into your bed at 3am? No way. Would not stand for that at all. I'm not snuggling him from 6:30-7:00 all the way til 10:00 or later. Absolutely not.

Cot bed, yeah for sure I should sort his bed out but he'll be even worse.

And as for my husband... I am a male with a female partner...

If I knew you personally I would be contacting social services. Shouting at and slapping a two year old for normal (or any other) toddler behaviour is beyond unacceptable. I agree with @Gettissuesgotissues that he sounds like a little boy in need of love and you sound as though you’re in need of professional help. Very upsetting reading your post

Stop hitting your baby. That's my first bit of advice. Spoken as a namby pamby non hitting parent of a non sleeper. Imagine you were struggling to sleep, absolutely wired, and your partner took to shouting and hitting you?? It's not ok.

Get rid of the cot and sleeping bag, it's not safe now he can climb over. Mine is just gone 3 and finally sleeps much better since being in full time childcare, but prior to this, was exactly the same. I lay with him in a double bed until he's asleep. It does take an hour though most nights, but I'm used to that as our routine. Sometimes we listen to a moshi story. Salt lamp for pink light that supports sleep. We "race" up to bed, we have a toothbrush with flashing lights, so he knows when it turns red, he's all done. We semi co-sleep, and I taught him the route to our room, so if he wakes up, he comes in, climbs into bed and 80% of the time back to sleep. 20% of the time, not so much! He hasn't napped since 18 months old, and is just a person who prefers to be awake.

I have faith that one day, he won't need me, to be able to sleep, and he'll get there on his own one day. Try posting on "beyond sleep training" or Sarah ockwell Smith, Facebook pages. There might be some more tips there.

Whatever you do, stop hitting your tiny child who relies on you to be a safe space.

I'll be honest, half of these are absolutely mental.

Welp, you don't have a better plan and I would hazard those posters aren't slapping their kid for the crime of being a normal two year old at bed time so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm admitting I am having issues with my anger, it's not like I'm beating him or screaming into his face over tiny little things. I am at the absolute end of my tether. I love my son and don't want to be angry with him or hurt him. I slap his hand when he goes too far, and I am not happy about doing it. Acting like I need to be seen by social services as a massive exaggeration, and you have no idea of the situation. You've seen a snapshot that I've given you where I've been honest about my feelings and actions.

I am not a neglectful parent, I'm involved, interested and loving 99% of the time. I absolutely hate myself for being a bad parent, even if it's for that 1% of the time.

I am well aware of what shouting and hitting does to kids as I'm a victim of it myself, not 1% of my childhood but 100% of the time from my parent. I don't want to turn into my horrible parents so I make a full effort not to do so. I have only just started slapping his hand because I don't know what else to do. I don't enjoy it, and I don't want to continue doing it, but if you were in my situation I think you'd be doing the same or very very close to it.

I am in a situation where I am there for everyone in my house and no one is there for me. I am picking up my partner's slack in all of my time outside of work. I am unable to communicate because I don't want arguments. I am unable to get my children to understand because they're too young. I don't have parents to help me out, or friends that can help. I have a partner that relies on me (probably a bit too much) and kids that need their dad. I am so flipping done day to day. I don't hate my son, I adore him, but he is driving me absolutely crazy.

You hit your toddler, maybe the poor sleep is karma?

He sounds like a normal two year old. Stop hitting him FFS! Like pp have said you're supposed to be his safe space.

Put a stair gate on his room and consistently put him into his bed and say it's time to lie down, be quiet and he can go to sleep when he's ready. Will stop him running round and keep him in his room.
Imagine you were being forced to sleep when you weren't ready to. I've found a grow clock helpful for reinforcing the concept of bedtime.

Same with the food. Serve him dinner and allow him to choose what he eats. No you must eat this you must eat that. It takes all the stress out of it.

Try a sleep consultant if you feel you need help with a routine

I agree with the latest comments. Your post makes me feel desperately sad for your child as you seem to completely misunderstand him. I gentle parent which i assume is what you mean by "namby pamby"
He still has boundaries and knows what's expected at bedtime. I have dealt with the tantrum about going to bed, the running out of the bed room, the struggling and fighting a nappy change, the getting up out of bed for a cuddle and also climbing out of cot. These are all natural boundary testing behaviours by a toddler and there are many more.
Each one had to be dealt with calmly, with a reiteration of what was going to happen rather than what he was trying to make happen.
I know it sounds alien and the sleep deprivation will not be helping you to stay calm but there are easier ways to parent your child than with anger.

This is so sad that you feel the need to get so angry with your toddler - a 2 year old will not understand that a slap on the wrist means that he is being 'naughty' so it is totally pointless

Maybe it's time to completely switch up the bedtime routine, maybe brush teeth at a different part of the day such as straight after dinner/downstairs if it's getting him in such a state

Everything must change at bedtime so he stops associating this routine with crying, screaming etc.

My toddler went through a horrific stage of screaming and kicking himself away from his cot and as soon as we noticed this behaviour we swapped his cot to a toddler bed to cut the negative association with bedtime

I totally get how frustrating this is but no toddler deserves to be screamed at or slapped, they simply cannot why they are in the wrong at this age

Given your response, I suggest you seek counselling. You are at risk of your abusive childhood affecting the next generation.

I too have a non sleeper, bear all the financial and household weight with no family in the country or friends nearby. You don't have to hit or verbally abuse your child no matter what.

There are good tips here which you can take on board, and speak to your gp for support with your mental health. Your local surestart Centre may do parenting courses you could do too.

My wee one is nearly two too and sometimes bedtime can be a struggle.
What he does like though is for me to sing to him or read a book while I get him ready. Recently I have also let him draw while I get him ready. It’s tricky to get pjs on him while he draws but honestly much easier than him struggling against it. Distraction is what I do basically as he hates me fiddling with his clothes.
He also like a projector light thing to fall asleep do you have one of those

1 when he does go to sleep - at nap time and eventually at night - how?

2 people suit different ages 2 is perhaps not his best

3 is he looking for fun? Independence ?

4 how well does he talk?

I have a hunch he is excited to see you after work and you are knackered and rushing him to bed. Give up on your idea of an evening to yourself - sit in ds room and listen to a story with him or music or watch night garden then tell him to shush and hold you hand while you have a sleep in a chair by his bed. :/

Regardless phases pass eventually. Don’t smack him in any sense. Better to let him stay up till your bedtime and sit him in front of kiddy tv than that surely.

You need professional help.

Trying not to judge you, but if you are hitting a baby, something is seriously wrong in your family.

You say that you had a difficult childhood - bows your change to break the pattern.

Also I don’t force the teeth brushing - there is no point in making it a distressing experience. The teeth specialist at my Heath visitor team actually advised
Me not to force it.
We now do it while he’s in the bath and he tolerates it but if he completely refuses then I don’t force it.

You’re calling other people ‘crazy’ and ‘namby pamby’ for their suggestions, but whatever you’re doing isn’t working and whatever they’re doing is making them far less angry than you are currently… maybe have a think about that.
I have a 3 year old poor sleeper (and two older children). Yes, he gets in our bed in the middle of the night. And guess what? We all sleep much better for it. No shouting, no anger, no exhaustion, definitely no hitting.