I can't cope with my two year old at bedtime

[Robosled22]

My son is about to turn two. I have a daughter that is about to turn five. We try to do a routine for them every night, and my son rejects this routine consistently. When we go to brush his teeth, he screams and scratches and you have to physically restrain him to get his teeth brushed.

Then with bed, he will stand up, take his sleeping bag off and climb out of his cot. He's done this up to maybe 25 times before, finding it funny to struggle and wriggle and kick you whilst me and my partner are getting more and more livid each time.

He still wakes up in the night probably 3 or 4 times a week, and it doesn't matter when he goes to bed, he's up at the crack of dawn. 5:45 this morning after going to bed late yesterday evening. Sometimes as early as 4:40am.

By the time bedtime rolls around he's been tired and cranky for hours. Doesn't matter, it's so rare for him to just sleep.

He is a difficult toddler most of the time regardless. He climbs everything and it's like he enjoys seeing us get angry. We are both sleep deprived and DONE.

I have been getting so angry at him recently that when he starts mucking around at bedtime, I have taken to shouting at him and slapping his hand because it's the only thing that he responds to.

I cannot do all of the gentle mamby Pamby stuff 20 or 30 times. It does not work with him. I could rock him to sleep for half an hour and he'd get up and run around and jump out of bed. My daughter wasn't this bad when she had to sleep, and she was sleeping through til normal times from 3 months old. At 18 months he started to sleep through for a few weeks and then it went back to waking up crying at least once a night.

I cannot handle it any more. My daughter isn't perfect but my son is an awful, awful child to deal with at bedtime and mealtimes, as he refuses to eat about 90% of what we give him.

I can't cope any more, and have even found myself wishing we never had him. I absolutely love him, but he is too much effort, and is ruining our lives.

One of the problems is that however active his day is, he still gets up too early. He could be out running around for the whole day, have a good nap in the middle and still wake up at 5 the next morning.

It's difficult to get him out because he is so inquisitive and wants to run away. Also, my partner has terrible anxiety and won't leave the house willingly. I work full time and don't really get any quality time to myself, so evenings are child care followed by something boring and quiet because he's a light sleeper, weekends are for the kids.

I cannot carve out any time to be me. I am absolutely sick of just being a provider to everybody, when it feels like no one is providing for me. This has gone off on a tangent, but basically I am stressed and have no good options in front of me. I don't want to slap my son or get angry any more, but I can't help myself. I want to be able to put him down and have him go to sleep and not create a massive drama every night. What can I do?

(He’s mocked all the advice given, anyway)

Yes, apparently trying to find ways to calm your child without smacking their hand or shouting at them is ‘namby pamby’.

Oh and ‘mental’. I forgot mental.

Is your son getting enough exercise if your partner does not leave the house. He needs a good run every evening to get him tired. A big park would be ideal.

First of all. Don't hit your child. Don't slap him on the hand. Just don't do it. Leave the room for a minute if you need to but don't hit. Ever.

It sounds like you need a better strategy in dealing with your child because your toddler sounds very normal. You need to change the way you respond to him. Instead of saying "no, don't do that etc" all the time try telling him what he should be doing. "Now it's time to get ready for bed. It's time to brush your teeth" "it's night time, it's time for sleep" "it's not time to play, it's time to sleep". Keep your language simple and repeat as many times as necessary until he understands.

Think about adding in consequences that actually teach him something, he's obviously not learned anything from the hitting. If he plays up getting into bed, tell him something like "if you get into bed I will read you a nice story but if you don't get into bed there will be no story". Tell him twice and then follow through if he doesn't comply. Get a toddler bed and duvet. Accept he will be worse for a couple of weeks but use it as an opportunity to teach him to stay in bed. Wait outside the door and Every time he gets up calmly put him back in bed and say "it's night time, it's time for sleep". Repeat this whenever he wakes up even if its 5am. He will soon learn that's the only thing that will happen and accept it. You need to be consistent and persevere.
Put in consequences to not eating properly. Eat together as a family and if he refuses don't get angry. Just say "it's dinner time, at dinner time we eat food". If he doesn't eat he will at the next meal. Don't give him snacks. Try to encourage him with meals you know he likes.

It sounds like you are running on empty. Can you contact your HV and ask if there are any home help options to give you a couple of hours break? Or a friend or relative to help? I do agree with the others that you yourself need to seek help for your anger. You need to break the cycle completely from your parents so you don't end up like them because it sounds like it's slowly happening. It's worth saying that if you meet a toddler head on it will make the situation worse and they will always push back. It sounds like you are comparing him a lot to his older sibling which is unfair too. Make sure you praise him when he does something right. make sure he hears your praising him to your OH or your other child. "DS sat at the table and ate all his dinner." "DS was very good at getting into bed". Children respond really well to positive affirmation. Most importantly stay calm and don't let your kids see your anger. Have you tried something like headspace/breathing space/mindfulness? There's loads of apps and free helplines so you have someone to talk to.

I’d focus on how much sleep he’s getting in 24 hours, when and for how long and try to find out if he’s not tired enough at bedtime or is overtired. Tired kids will wake early - for example my Ds didn’t go to sleep until 10pm on Saturday as we were away in a hotel and he was excited, and he woke at 5am. Normally he sleeps 7.30-7.

I’d put him in a bed if he can climb out of the cot. It’ll take a few days for him to settle. We’ve just done this with our son and we just took all the fun out of it for him. If you’re getting wound up you’re giving him attention. You need to appear calm and collected and in Charge no matter what you feel inside. He’s 2, his behaviour is normal.

solid bedtime routine of bath, pjs, milk and books.

Re the teeth, work on watching videos of his fave character (we used to watch duggee) and make it non negotiable. Tell him zog brushes his teeth because he breathes fire and they get black if he doesn’t. Make it fun and relatable.

You kida sound like you hate your kid. I found this thread as I too have a two year old whose bedtime has become really difficult but I think you genuinely need to see someone about the way you feel. Your responses make it even further concerning and you probably won't find a solution for any of this whilst generally feeling so negative about your child.