She's a fire-starter, a (five year old blue-eyed butter wouldn't melt) firestarter.......help

[charliesays]

DD2, we find, has been playing with matches.

I'm asking for advice here first - has anyone had this problem, and how did you address it?

She's very inventive, I'll give her that, she's obviously secreted them in hidey holes because previously the matches were stored on a high shelf, in a basket, but she got to them.

I found some burnt out matches for the first time two days ago, and had a chat about the consequences and tried to appeal regarding how sore hot things can be, etc, etc - but I think there's a huge element of fascination there, and I want to know how to really get through to her - I really want to cover this one completely.

I thought I'd gotten through to her, but lo, hoovered their room just now, and there are more little burnt out stubs. I want to really get through to her, as I don't want it to become a situation where she's on the lookout for an opportunity. I don't want to terrify her either though. What to do, what to do.

I leave it in your hand, mumsnet.

Could you maybe try contating your local fire station to see if they would send someone round to have a word? Ours offers home safety checks and tells you to contact them for any advice you need so they would probably help.

Also look here with her.

Hmm... there would definitely have to be some sanction for taking matches when she had explicitly been told not to.
But you also need to address the interest.
The local fire station may be able to help; give them a call and ask what they can do.

DS2 is a very 'outdoorsy' kind of person, and has Ray Mears and Bear Grylls books. We took him to a camping shop and bought him a flint and steel. He is now allowed to build small fires in the back garden now and again, but always under supervision.

He never took matched secretly though, so it was a slightly different issue.

We had this with DS1 (And OK Ia dmit it- i thought it was pretty funny myself when I was about 7 - obv not now). being caught was enough for me to stop it (nd the rollicking I got), but with DS1 we needed to take a mroe tactical approach as A) He ahs AS and as a result doesn't respond to a rollicking or authority; and B) he'd already maanged to burn the hole in the carpet under ds3's bed and presumably almost torched the bed.

Anyway, we found a call to the local fire brigade helped immensely as they could send someone to talk to ds1 and provide activity booklets etc that they use to promote fire safety in schools.

You don't want to terrify her? Bloody hell. I would. She could burn the bloomin house down - that's terrifying isn't it.

Get rid of all matches/lighters from your house or at leats do not leave them where she can find them. Problem solved.

She is 5 years old fgs.

I'm not sure if I have any advice, but I can remember doing this. I used to love going up to my bedroom and burning loads of different stuff, biros and paper were my favs.

But I do think I was older and had sense of how to burn toxic plastics safely

No doubt she will do it anyway, so teach her to do it safely and don't hide it?

why are the matches where she can get them?

The website looks good, stripeymama, I'll try that when she gets home from school.

Humphrey, the supervised fire thing might be worth a shot, unfortunately we live in a draughty farmhouse with stoves all over the shop, I don't know if this has fed her fascination. We do let her burn rubbish, etc, and I encouraged this explicitly so it didn't become an object of fascination, but was just everyday life.

It's the sneaking that's worrying me, she's so open in all other aspects, so I am starting to see latent arsonist tendencies....

I'm with Northerner on this one. She needs to understand the seriousness of it, I would be more than happy to have dd terrified than dead in a house fire.

You do need to get through to her but also I would buy a lockable cupboard (eg £10 medicine cabinet from IKEA, we have one, it's great) and keep matches locked in there. What she's doing is incredibly dangerous and she hasn't grasped it yet so you have to stop it happening. She could seriously injure herself and/or burn the house down.

Let her to light fires with your supervision, so that she learns how to do it safely.

Scare the living beejaysus out of her by making her aware of how devastating fires can be (and I really do mean scare her).

Tell her teacher at school what you've discovered in case it's a peer led thing.

Make sure she cannot lay her hands on any fire starting device for the future.

Give her a very clear warning about what will happen if she ever tries to strike a match or lighter without your express permission again and make it something really bad.

don't know where the 'to' came from!

I was also going to suggest a lockable cupboard for the matches and medicines, anything that could cause harm.

I would read her the riot act like she had never had before. This is not just a child eating food from the fridge, making mess, etc etc. You know the consequences could be a lot more serious.

Good luck.

Dr Northerner, we are non-smokers here, I can't get rid, matches are present because without them we get no heat

I do keep the matches on a shelf over the kitchen stove, it's five and a half feet from the ground, and they are inside a basket. I have tried to address this responsibly - at the moment the matches are in the filing cabinet,( which is an utter bore when you're building the fire), but I don't want to have to watch my back constantly

I'd be coming down hard on this one too, and there'd be a consequence for the fact that she'd been told not to touch the matches and did. I'd be locking matches away somewhere, or not having them in the house at all, if she is that good at getting to the ones you put out of reach.

I'd also be wondering why she was deliberately doing something she'd been told not to, and why she wanted to play with the matches. Is she trying to get attention rather than having a fascination with fire?

I understand that you don't want to have to watch your back constantly but I am sure you want a fire in your house a lot less.

Personally I would not let her light fires with your supervision. She is 5 years old and should not be lighting fires FULL STOP. If she knows she can do it 'safley' she will be more inclined to do it unattended imo.

This is madness anyway debating how to stop a 5 yaer old lighting fires

I don't actually agree with getting rid of matches it's impractical and not teaching the OP's dd anything - it's the deceit and trust that needs dealing with.

I really think you need to involve her in lighting the fires at the correct times with your supervision and punish her severely if she ever does it again.

I agree with Northerner. She's 5yo and she doesn't need to be lighting fires, under supervision or otherwise. Especially not whilst she is still at the stage of going behind your back and lighting matches when told not too.

I think you do need to scare her with the consequences. The consequences of her continuing could be too horrendous to think about. And at 5yo she is old enough to comprehend this.

I have used that Firefly website and it is a good site, but you may also need to lay it on thick with her a bit too.

Have you considered asking the school/class teacher to cover something like this topic - maybe in class group time or as part of an assembly?

I haven't the option of getting rid of the matches, the wood burners are our only source of heat and hot water.

I'm mainly looking for the psychology of what's driving her to do it, and how to address that - as I say, I can't watch her 24 hours a day, she's not a devious kid by nature, so this is coming from left field for us.

I think the the fire website, and perhaps the fire department input are good ideas - I've locked the matches away already, and believe me, punishment looms after school!

I'm just looking for hints on how to handle this evening, I really didn't expect a reoccurrence

And make sure the matches are somewhere she can't get them for now - she is already not listening to you when you tell her not too touch. Even if you have to have them in a little locked box and you keep the key.

we have matches in the house but they are way way way way HIGH up, no chance of getting them

you need to lock them away imo, not start teaching her how to start fires

that way madness lies

she is 5!

My BIL's sis had this. Child burnt the house down. Thankfully no one was injured.

It isn't madness DrN. I had one just the same.
When you have taken away the matches and the candles and all the rest make sure you also remove the magnifying glasses and the teabags because that's what dd used.

Do you not think that when you 'forbid' something it just becomes even more enticing?

I can see your POV completely and think you may well be right and I wrong, but we were lighting fires at 5 in the home, with Mum helping us and it was a treat to be allowed to do it (we were so reverent about it ) - my dds have both been allowed to and have never ever found any fascination in fire.

I do agree a severe punishment for going behind your back though - you can't have that.