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Original poster

She's a fire-starter, a (five year old blue-eyed butter wouldn't melt) firestarter.......help

91 replies

charliesays · 09/01/2008 10:44

DD2, we find, has been playing with matches.

I'm asking for advice here first - has anyone had this problem, and how did you address it?

She's very inventive, I'll give her that, she's obviously secreted them in hidey holes because previously the matches were stored on a high shelf, in a basket, but she got to them.

I found some burnt out matches for the first time two days ago, and had a chat about the consequences and tried to appeal regarding how sore hot things can be, etc, etc - but I think there's a huge element of fascination there, and I want to know how to really get through to her - I really want to cover this one completely.

I thought I'd gotten through to her, but lo, hoovered their room just now, and there are more little burnt out stubs. I want to really get through to her, as I don't want it to become a situation where she's on the lookout for an opportunity. I don't want to terrify her either though. What to do, what to do.

I leave it in your hand, mumsnet.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

emmaagain · 09/01/2008 11:43

I was regularly lighting fires by age of 5.

teach her to strike matches safely - always away from her body not towards her (head of the match can fly off and set clothes alight)
have her help lay and then light all the fires indoors, supervised.
daily bonfires outside, with her doing the lighting and tending. Teach her properly how to lay a fire
lots of supervised candle lighting and blowing out
keep matches in a locked away place so you always know when they are being used.

This "five years is too young" seems crazy to me. She's showing an interest now - nurture it and help her learn how to do it safely. Just like learning to swim - a practical understanding of fire is a vital component of being independent and safe.

DrNortherner · 09/01/2008 11:43

some info here

I really think you should ask teh local fire brigade for help on this, amd I'll be amazed if they suggest letting her light fires supervised.

Good luck

DCsnatchsunhill · 09/01/2008 11:49

Charliesays, we have just gone through the same experience.
We woke up the other morning to be told by DS2 that DS1 had a burnt bed. We went to see what he meant and sure enough, there was a burnt sheet and a scorched mattress. This was not the end of it. DS1 had struck around 20 matches in DS2s bedroom whilst he was asleep, throwing them on the carpet. He then proceeded to do this all around the house, lighting and dropping matches on the floor. Me and DH were asleep upstairs. No fire took hold, hence our three smoke alarms were not activated.
When we found out what had happened, we were horrified. We were at first angry with DS1 but then felt ashamed at ourselves as parents. The matches had been put at the back of our huge, tall double stacked fridge freezer...way out of a child's reach. DS1 had come down in the early hours of the morning on a specific mission to hunt them down and achieved this by using a chair to get onto the kitchen cabinets, then dragging another chair onto the cabinets.

I work in Child Protection and immediately ran this situation past my boss. In response to the situation I a) purchased a first aid cabinet and locked all matches, lighters (we are non-smokers and have them solely for the BBBQ or birthday candles) away. B) Took DS1 to both fire and police station (they are next door to each other) for a stern chat and C) we then did not discuss the matter again, infront of DS1.
We did not want him to think that he had done something so clever that it warranted talking about with all and sundry.

what Child Protection did say was that 5 year olds are very curious and that DS1 obviously liked the look of the matches and wanted a better look. End of story. Infact, they said that he had displayed creativity in acquiring them, which makes me smile now, but when I think of what could have happened, it scares the pants off me.

I do have a brilliant DVD here that came with DS2's Christmas firetruck, that explains all about how fires start, and re-iterates how matches should not be played with. I could certainly try and copy it for you, although we are in Australia and on region 4....not sure how this would translate.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We have never glorified fire-lighting, yet this is real and happening to our family. And it's bloody frightening. Our whole house COULD have gone up that night, but it DIDN'T and we are now acting protectively to make sure it never happens again.

Interested in this thread?

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Wisteria · 09/01/2008 11:52

oh the other rule in our house was that whoever sets and lights the fire has to clean up the next morning too.

DCsnatchsunhill · 09/01/2008 11:53

Forgot to add that as we're in the middle of the bush-fire season, ANY kind of fire is illegal and so the fire fighters do a huge amount of outreach work. We are so lucky that all our fighters (all of whom are volunteers - not one of them is paid for what they do) care so passionately about getting the "fire danger" message across. They are absolute heroes in my book.

pooka · 09/01/2008 11:55

Defijitely get firemen round. You get to ogle and she gets a serious message about fire safety.

I remember burning my finger on a match at about the smae age. I also remember, still, how much it hurt (was sort of the nail and the end of my finger) and how angry my mother was. I didn't do it in secret again.

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 11:56

not to mention damn sexy in those uniforms DC

DCsnatchsunhill · 09/01/2008 12:03

Hmmmm. Wisteria, the word "volunteer" here is vital when assuming sexuality in Australian fire-fighters. Anybody who wishes to fight fires makes the grade!!!
Sexy or utterly non-sexy, they are still my heroes

Peachy · 09/01/2008 12:03

Its worth all poeple doing the fire briagde thing IMO because you don't need to ahve matches in the house to be vulnerable- our ds swiped them (and ewas dulyt dealt with) from the shelf of a corner shop whilst we were paying and our attention diverted for a minute. It can happen to anyone.

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 12:04

fair comment DC. How do you know I wouldn't find female firefighters just as sexy though?

Sorry for offence, honestly wasn't trying to be facetious; my dp's cousin is a volunteer in Australia too.

DCsnatchsunhill · 09/01/2008 12:11

Hey - no offence taken at all, Wisteria! I was actually replying tongue-in-cheek to your comment
I've been trying to encourage DH to volunteer as it's such a tight-knit community but he's not interested.

cestlavie · 09/01/2008 12:23

Can I offer some reassurance to you about your fears that she's going to become some sort of psycho arsonist...

I was sooo like this when I was her age (and for a few years older as well). I used to love getting my hands on matches and setting fire to little things, like cotton wool, paper, twigs etc... Best of all was building tiny fires of all three and setting fire to them!

I knew it was dangerous so always did it somewhere 'safe' (to my childhood mind anyway) like on the patio etc. Obviously, parents were less than thrilled at me doing this so I kept it secret. There is/ was something very compelling and fascinating about watching the flames flicker and dance and consume the wool and paper and twigs. To be fair everyone loves looking at fires right? The combination of this, plus that hint of danger makes it soooo attractive to a 5 year old mind.

Now, I'm aware I sound a little like a pyro here (honestly I'm not and anyway I've got a log fire at home now to sate any latent tendencies!) The thing is though, loads of little kids, especially boys are like that. When I went on my first cub camp the only thing we all wanted to do was set fire to things. At primary school, other kids would bring magnifying glasses in to set fire to sheets of paper, burn holes in wood.

The thing is, it's not anything particularly weird and it is something she'll grow out of. She already knows it's dangerous and risky and that's part of the thrill so unfortunately it's unlikely you're going to scare her out of not doing it (didn't scare me out of not doing it anyway).

ComeOVeneer · 09/01/2008 12:41

I don't think there is a fear she is going to become an arsonist, there is a fear she could cause a terrible accident and get herself and others hurt (or worse) I'm sorry I don't mena to critise anyones parenting, but there is simply no need for a 5 year old to have anything to do with fire/lighters/matches.

emmaagain · 09/01/2008 12:45

What age do you think children should learn about fire, then?

ComeOVeneer · 09/01/2008 12:53

I didn't say she shouldn't learn about fire and the dangers, just a 5 year old doesn't need to be actively involved with using matches and making fires.

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 12:53

Whenever it is an integral part of their environment and their ability really, it depends on your household/ lifestyle as many have said.

emmaagain · 09/01/2008 13:00

Rephrase the question:

At what age should children learn to strike matches, to make fires themselves safely, under supervision?

mummymagic · 09/01/2008 13:02

Am totally with Wisteria here!

ComeOVeneer · 09/01/2008 13:10

Agree it depends on the family circumstances, but tbh I can't see the need for dd to ever learn how to make a fire. Striking a match is obviously a different story, not sure what age but certainly not for a few years (she is 6 atm).

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 13:34

"I can't see the need for dd to ever learn how to make a fire"

What, ever???? That's crazy cov - it still amazes me at festivals and bbqs how many adults are woefully inept at building a fire (my dp being one of them).

It is a life skill.

You never know when you might need to be able to make a fire.

Hulababy · 09/01/2008 13:36

I can see no reason to teach my 5yo DD how to make a fire. I guess if she goes to Brownies or Guides they may teach her, don't know. They never showed me.

I know how to light a coal fire - I saw my parent's do it as a child, although never did it myself until an adult. I just asked for a reminder.

Have so far never needed to build a fire outside. If I thought I might need to - I'd ask and find out in advance.

ComeOVeneer · 09/01/2008 13:49

I can't see where dd will need to build a fire, I really can't.

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 13:50

BBQs

If she ever goes camping

If she moves into a house with a real fire

If she gets stranded somewhere overnight and it's cold

There are loads of reasons to know how to.

DrNortherner · 09/01/2008 13:52

Ive never needed to build a fire outside either. Not sure it's really a life skill we should all learn. And if it is, I still don't think you need to teach a 5 year old.

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 13:53

And it's about knowing that you won't be around for ever so giving them the skills they may need later on - anyone can start a fire but not everyone can do it efficiently and safely.

My dp can light the bbq but he chooses to do it with lighter fuel and inadvertantly set fire to the shed once. I can build a fire out of basic materials with no catalyst because I was brought up to know how to.

When you teach how to set fires you also teach how to recognise a fire out of control and how to put one out too - it's a safety lesson all round IMO.

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