My children are like strangers

[GADDay]

I have three older DC. DS1 is nearly 21 he is overseas at uni. DS2 is nearly 18 in the final year at school. DD is 14.

They don't speak or interact unless they have to. I feel so sad. There is just no sibling love in our house. I don't know where it went wrong.

Anybody in the same boat? Did they grow closer as they got older? Or were you in a similar situation growing up.

It feels like I have failed the family test.

You haven’t failed anything, but you can’t force these adult (or near-adult) relationships either.

I’m one of six. Relationship matrices between us all are so complex we pretty much need a spreadsheet! I’m super-close to two of my brothers, reasonably close to another two and cordial but effectively no relationship with the fifth. No big dramas — it’s just that none of us feel a pressure to get on just because we all came out of the same womb.

As siblings grow up their lives will branch out in different directions. In some ways that’s a sign of having done a good job raising them, because they feel able to strike out into the world being who they are and happily following their own paths.

@starrynight21

Mine are in their 30's and I know what you mean. My daughter was an only child for 4 years, then her brother was born and she was like WTF ?? She was horrified that this baby was coming to live with us . She never changed in her opinion of him , and growing up they just barely tolerated each other. The ice melted a bit when they were both single and going out clubbing, but when they moved beyond that era, the ice froze over again and it's the same to this day.

They don't live close enough for casual get-togethers, and I doubt that they'd bother with that sort of thing anyway, they have their own families and friends and don't ever see each other unless I organise a family day. It's sad , and the opposite of what I'd hoped for, but I can't change it now.

Similar here - DS was nearly 8 when DD was born He hit puberty as she was getting into a cute / chatty phase They have never got on Now they are 24/16 and despite him now moving out (and with his own DD!) they will still squabble!

I would say don’t worry about it they need to work through their own launch into adulthood and figure themselves out. It’ll come right and hopefully they’ll rediscover each other. Happened to us, and my sister and I never had a relationship really till about 4 years ago (now very close).

My older sister and I didn't get on at all with each other as teens, she is 5 years older and left home to train for her job when she was 17, all through our 20s and 30s we weren't enemies or anything but were on different wave lengths, even though we both had children, and saw each other perhaps every 3 months or so. I was divorced in my 40s, then widowed in my 60s, and she is so supportive. She is now one of my favourite people, in fact I have to make an effort not to ring her too often or take up too much of her time. As teenagers we were at each others throats mostly!

DH and I both have this with our siblings.

My parents really tried to push the sibling relationship which just made me pull further back. I was always urged to include my (younger and very different) sister but there was no acknowledgment of the fact that I wanted space and independence. I still have zero desire for a close relationship with my sister and work hard to keep her at arm's length. It's a constant juggling act which I only perform for my mother's sake. The build up to my wedding was awful, and these days a large part of the reason things are ok day to day is that we all live far apart.

DH's parents have never put any pressure on the sibling relationship and have always left them to do their own thing - big age gap and very very different people. Now they're not close but there's zero drama or animosity and everyone gets on great when we do see each other.

Take my PIL's approach OP, trust me.

Yep another one here who had the sibling relationship idealised and forced on me as a child. My mum was an only child and couldn’t think of anything better than having a sibling and she put a huge amount of pressure on me to be my younger sister’s best friend. She would dress us alike and treat/present us as if we were two peas in a pod - in fact we’re very different and I’ve always been a massive introvert and very independent, so I really hated it.

Now I have dc with a big age gap who don’t really get on, and mainly avoid each other. I never give them a hard time for it - it’s their life, they didn’t ask to have each other as siblings. As they get older, they do chat and get on a tiny bit more. I really don’t think it’s any failure on your part op

I had two boys 18 months apart, they were each others little playmates and so close until I would say they went to secondary school. By mid teens it had all changed and they had no time for one another. I understand different personalities and friendship groups etc.
One now works abroad and the other in London and I am pretty sure they do not communicate with one another. They were both home for Christmas and had not seen each other for a year and on greeting each other had almost nothing to say, very indifferent to one another. When we played board games they had to interact and that is so nice to see, albeit only temporarily.
It really saddens me and I wonder where I went wrong, how will they be with each other when I am no longer here...? I have a sister locally whose four children are unusually close as adults and I have to wonder what happened to my children?
I have discussed this with my youngest and he blames his brother, but equally I point out he makes no effort himself either.

Set up a family whatsapp group.
My siblings and I grew closer when we started interacting on whatsapp and got updates on what was going on and just checking in if we hadn’t heard from one in a while.

@JenniferBarkley

DH and I both have this with our siblings.

My parents really tried to push the sibling relationship which just made me pull further back. I was always urged to include my (younger and very different) sister but there was no acknowledgment of the fact that I wanted space and independence. I still have zero desire for a close relationship with my sister and work hard to keep her at arm's length. It's a constant juggling act which I only perform for my mother's sake. The build up to my wedding was awful, and these days a large part of the reason things are ok day to day is that we all live far apart.

DH's parents have never put any pressure on the sibling relationship and have always left them to do their own thing - big age gap and very very different people. Now they're not close but there's zero drama or animosity and everyone gets on great when we do see each other.

Take my PIL's approach OP, trust me.

work hard to keep her at arm’s length

Lovely!

@Maunderingdrunkenly

I would say don’t worry about it they need to work through their own launch into adulthood and figure themselves out. It’ll come right and hopefully they’ll rediscover each other. Happened to us, and my sister and I never had a relationship really till about 4 years ago (now very close).

Can I ask (roughly) how old you both were when things improved?

Just following up to say there is no pressure for my children to be friends. The only thing I expect is that they are courteous to each other.

But I will be damned. Today my eldest called my youngest and chatted for an hour. Then my other son found himself in real hot water with me - think big big trouble. The first thing he did was run to his sister for a shoulder to cry on.

What a wacky day. I am really really cross with him but delighted that his sister stood up for him and that he chose to confide in her.

We have a family WhatsApp group but I will suggest a sibling only one. Great idea.

Ditto the pool table. I will suggest that we play together.

Some siblings just don't have much in common, I think. I don't think there's anything parents can do to make kids close if they're just different types of people, it's not a 'fault'.

@GADDay

Just following up to say there is no pressure for my children to be friends. The only thing I expect is that they are courteous to each other.

But I will be damned. Today my eldest called my youngest and chatted for an hour. Then my other son found himself in real hot water with me - think big big trouble. The first thing he did was run to his sister for a shoulder to cry on.

What a wacky day. I am really really cross with him but delighted that his sister stood up for him and that he chose to confide in her.

😊They must have been reading mumsnet

@Fruby

My brother is 30, he has depression & anxiety & is a recluse. I see him once every couple of years and he clearly finds it awkward. He often cancels on the day if I’m at my parents house and is supposed to meet up with us. I text him a few times a year saying I love him, hope he’s ok, always here if he needs me etc etc. Mostly he doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t have any friends or a job or anything either.

I’m always racking my brain over whether I could have been a better big sister when we were younger and stopped him getting into this state.

I don’t think there is much I could’ve done.

I think it’s more up to the kids to put the effort in than you OP. But always good to lead by example, being friendly, positive and sociable with your own family and friends.

@Fruby

How sad. For me I’m the one who’s practically a recluse , no friends , job etc. I have one older brother and don’t think there’s much he could have done . He has tried to take me out for walks etc but I usually try and find an excuse not to go . Not because of him I’m just to depressed to face the world . So I don’t think you should feel like there’s anything you could have done x

I didn’t really have a relationship with my sister until we were 17 and 22.

I have a friend whose children were incredibly close as teens. Now at 20, 24, 26 and 32 and they don’t speak to each other.

work hard to keep her at arm’s length

Lovely!

Well, you don't get to judge what's lovely or not from a few lines of text. If you've never had to perform that balancing act then you're lucky but most of us have had to with a relative, colleague, mutual friend etc at one point or another. But don't worry, I'm used to being the bad guy because I don't want to be best buds.

work hard to keep her at arm’s length

Lovely!

That’s exactly the kind of disapproval/ pressure that makes so many women (especially) put up with shit from difficult relatives because “but she’s your SISTER!” etc. we don’t ask for our siblings, or other family members, and we don’t have to spend time with them if it’s really difficult and draining.

My life has involved a lot of “managing” various members of my dysfunctional family and getting enough headspace from them to stay sane - I’ve had to do that or else end up horribly enmeshed and controlled. I’ve only managed to pull further away in middle age when I finally let go of some of the guilt. And believe me I would love healthy and supportive relationships with them, but they’re not like that!

Mine don't get on but doesn't make me sad. I didn't get on with my siblings growing up, but we were treated as an amorphous mass.

I've always tested mine as individuals cos of this, they are completely different personalities that would never be friends in the real world (DS1 gay, bookish arty, loves school and cold weather, DD sensible girly girl, DS2 reet sport Billy only lives clothes, football, lynx, girls and can't wait to go on an 18-30 type holiday).

I would hope that they may become more civil/tolerant of each other as they move away but just don't feel like they are compelled to like and be close to each other.

I think one reason my younger sister & I get on so well now is that I was never expected to include her in what I was doing when we were kids, so that when we did become friends it was because we were ready to.

I have a friend who fought dreadfully with her sister as children but now they are really close.

My two middle girls who are 18 and 13 are surprisingly close. If one of them comes through the door the first thing they say is 'Where is dd2 / where is dd3?'

My sister and I are 7yrs difference. I'm 38 and she's 31.
She lives in another country since she was 21.
Before she even moved away we weren't close. Didn't speak.
I had a baby she's aware of and I have not heard from her.
Some days I forget I have a sister because we havtn spoken in years.
When I was younger, I blames my mom for not doing enough to ensure we were growing up closer, but now I think it's many factors in play. Where we grew up (different continents), age gap, interests, stubbornness.
It's sad.
However, my mom and her sis were also not close when they were younger, but now they are super close, even though they live on different continents. They Skype almost daily.

I’m an only but just provide a positive story on this quite sad thread 🙈 My DH has a great relationship with his siblings as of his late 20’s & 30’s. Before that, it was far more hit & miss as they navigated different periods of their lives. DH & his brother were pretty different as teens & young adults and I think there was resentment on both sides for their life choices. But now, they are good mates and are pretty similar characters!

They have a very active few WhatsApps. One is just siblings, one is siblings plus parents and one is siblings, parents & other halves! They/We chat daily. We live a long way away from both DH siblings but we get together 4/5 times a year at each other’s houses during school holidays. Always Christmas & Easter. We all now have kids who are a reasonably similar age, so getting together is loadsa fun. The cousins are all great pals at the mo 😊

@Daqqe

I’m an only but just provide a positive story on this quite sad thread 🙈 My DH has a great relationship with his siblings as of his late 20’s & 30’s. Before that, it was far more hit & miss as they navigated different periods of their lives. DH & his brother were pretty different as teens & young adults and I think there was resentment on both sides for their life choices. But now, they are good mates and are pretty similar characters!

They have a very active few WhatsApps. One is just siblings, one is siblings plus parents and one is siblings, parents & other halves! They/We chat daily. We live a long way away from both DH siblings but we get together 4/5 times a year at each other’s houses during school holidays. Always Christmas & Easter. We all now have kids who are a reasonably similar age, so getting together is loadsa fun. The cousins are all great pals at the mo 😊

Thank you for a good outcome post 🙏😍❤️

@GADDay I think that probably what is happening is that at the moment your children don't have much in common, but that will likely change as they get older. That's what I see happening in many families.