My children are like strangers

[GADDay]

I have three older DC. DS1 is nearly 21 he is overseas at uni. DS2 is nearly 18 in the final year at school. DD is 14.

They don't speak or interact unless they have to. I feel so sad. There is just no sibling love in our house. I don't know where it went wrong.

Anybody in the same boat? Did they grow closer as they got older? Or were you in a similar situation growing up.

It feels like I have failed the family test.

I’m currently reflecting on my relationship with Dsis. We are both early 50s, both parents 77 and ok but slowly ageing. Dsis lives over 2 hours away (and has done for about 15 years) and is a bit oblivious to deteriorating parents. It has put a different view on my relationship with her. She has a young teenager whereas mine are both early 20s and live 3+hrs away. We’re not close any more as sisters. I think DM wishes we were and does try to arrange mutual meet ups but communication is poor and therefore I am often ‘expected’ to fall in line with Dsis visits, which are fleeting and infrequent (like 24 hour quick stay overnight….arrive 2pm, gone by10am. Maybe twice a year, perhaps 2 overnights at Christmas). Trying to arrange time with Dsis to even chat seems an inconvenience for her sometimes. If she were a friend I’d probably have stopped trying some time ago. I have stepped back with my efforts during /since covid and it’s clear Dsis doesn’t seem that keen to make more of an effort.
That said, we are at different stages in our lives. I just hope that our closeness will return as our parents start to fade. I can see our DM and DF are disappointed, or maybe sad is better phrase, but I’m a bit 💁🏼‍♀️
Our DC are best mates (at the moment!) they chat and FaceTime each other, swap funny stories, etc. it’d be good if it carried on but that’s their relationship I suppose.

It’s not a reflection on you as a parent at all OP. My sister and I were born 18 months apart, we had an easy, loving childhood with wonderful parents, we never really got on and we haven’t spoken more than two words in years. Some people just can’t and won’t get on.

My 2 DS are v distant with each other normally. If there is the opportunity to wind the other up they usually will. Honestly I have said as long.as they are civil to each other I don't mind. Ok I would like them to be friends but if they don't get on I'm not letting their ridiculous behaviour ruin my life. You can't make them be friends.

They're at really different places in life right now, especially if they don't have a natural personality fit or shared interests.

My youngest sibling and I don't have a huge amount in common, so had little to say to each other around the same age - however with time things have got easier, we now both have kids around the same age, his wife and I get on really well, and we're even going on a family holiday together this year!

nope, have nothing in common with siblings , strange to think we all came from the same gene pool and same family upbringing

They’re at different stages of life. 21yo having an away adventure at uni, 18yo just finishing school and a 14yo still at school. They’re very different. Give it time.
My dad are 12 and 10, so only one school year apart and still get along, although, not always. Not sure if it’ll last, but it’s great to see them as friends as well as sisters.

Ah thank you all.

It's obviously just down to the individuals. My three are as different as you could possibly be. I feel a bit better knowing that there is nothing I can do and with luck they will be closer when they get older.

My sister and I are very different people and always have been. We don’t not get on but we certainly aren’t close. 33 and 35 now we live in different countries and speak sporadically. I have children, family and settled in uk where she is single free and abroad. Like I say no disagreement, fine when we meet up but separate lives. I do sometimes wish we were closer but just the way it seems to be!

I have nothing what so ever to do with my sibling. But that's down to me mother and how she favoured him over me all our lives and then pitted us against each other. He's just a very bitter person now though. Being spoiled did him no favours and he's still weirdly close with my mother.

Growing up me and brother were like this, more him than me, he always seemed to hate me. We never talk now as adults in our 40's. Not talked for years and probably never will. It's not you, its probably more to do with one or all of them.

This just happens sometimes. Me and my brother don't really speak directly. He is a lovely guy but we just don't have a lot in common. My partner is very close to his sister but doesn't really speak to his brothers except when we are at family events, but they do get on. I know it makes his mother sad but they are just at different life stages.

The thing is that a lot of the time we may be related to someone we wouldn't be friends with if we had a choice. For some they will make an effort anyway, but others may be closer to their friends. I remember having a conversation with a friend as it caused a huge blowup in his family that he didn't have his brother as best man. But my friend said if he had an emergency at 4am, he wouldn't be calling his brother and I think that said it all.

I get on fine with my sister's but my mother drives a wedge in if she can. What is your relationship like with them - individually and collectively

My sister & I didn’t get on at all as kids but we’re really close now - go to stay with each other, have nights out etc. My brother & I get on fine when we see each other but don’t really have much in common

Mine are in their 20s and don't speak or see each other. Have been like that since they were mid teens.

My brother is 30, he has depression & anxiety & is a recluse. I see him once every couple of years and he clearly finds it awkward. He often cancels on the day if I’m at my parents house and is supposed to meet up with us. I text him a few times a year saying I love him, hope he’s ok, always here if he needs me etc etc. Mostly he doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t have any friends or a job or anything either.

I’m always racking my brain over whether I could have been a better big sister when we were younger and stopped him getting into this state.

I don’t think there is much I could’ve done.

I think it’s more up to the kids to put the effort in than you OP. But always good to lead by example, being friendly, positive and sociable with your own family and friends.

I think some of it is just time. My two DS are in mid/late 20’s. Not close since eldest left for uni, and they went through usual teens falling out before that. Up to age of 11 they were very close

Once they were at Uni, there were only weekends and long holidays to see each other. And their peer group were their priority not sibling for socialising. Now they both work and live over a hundred miles for. Each other, seeing each other’s means a weekend visit. When you’re young with no kids weekends are in short supply for doing that young, free single bit …they want to go places, experience stuff. They do go stay with each other maybe once or twice a year, but it is fitted in around other things.
I don’t get worried- I was no different at that age with my siblings. I also think lads are worse for staying in touch. I made more effort with both my db , they hardly ever made the effort with each other,

When we all settled down and had kids, that carefree lifestyle sort of went by wayside and we did start to see more of each other, even though , like my sons, we lived a long way away from each other.

Now we’re in out 50s we keep in contact very regularly. Oddly I moved closer to one db geographically and see him at least once every couple of weeks for short bursts.

It isn’t about how often they see each other, that maybe difficult at their age, it is about keeping the bonds going in the background. You can help facilitate that by, for instance, arranging group face time calls . Doesn’t have to be a big deal , just simple chat. I do this a lot now. I organised one the other day as one of them just mov3d to new rental so I set up group call so he could show us all around the house! Just keep fa ilia tasting at this stage to keep them briefed on the bog stuff in their lives. It’ll gradually work itself out as they get older.

I’m from a large family, of my multiple siblings I see one very regularly and message most days, one I see annually and the rest I never see or speak to. Not through any arguments or anything, we just aren’t close.

Bog= big

I'm 38 and my sister is 42 and in our entire lives there has been about an 18 month period where we've had a friendship.
Growing up with her was immensely stressful. She was cruel to me and, as much as she sometimes tried, has always disliked me. We've never had a falling out, but we just don't have much to do with one another now. She lives abroad and we text about once a year and send a very basic birthday and Christmas card. She has a child who i dont know at all.
My parents are divorced, so I have a mum, a dad and a sister who I never see in the same room. It makes me sad that I've never had a "proper" big noisy family home to go back to.

They’re at such different life stages OP. At that age 3-4 years difference is a lot. My sister and I are closer in age and we’re very close as children but in our late teens and 20s were almost estranged. I remember she literally stopped speaking to me at one point and if we visited our parents at the same time she wouldn’t even look up when I entered the room! Things got more amicable in our late 20s and since we’ve had children things are much more friendly. So essentially I’m saying this is not the end! If they have got on in the past I would put money on them being more interested in each other in future 🤞🤞

They are quite spaced out in age or in geography so maybe not a surprise that they don't spend much time together.

I have five siblings. We didn't have much time for each other when young, too much else to deal with and we are not similar in personality. But as we've grown older, we've grown closer. I talk to them more than I ever have, not super close but we have each other's backs when it matters.

Give your dcs time, ensure they meet at Christmas or on your birthday and let them work it out for themselves.

My older 2 were/are like chalk and cheese. Having a much younger sibling gave them something in common.
As adults they are closer and message each other daily.

I remember being close to my siblings as kids, then us not getting on well in our teens and now as adults we get on brilliantly.

I think your kids ages they are fully absorbed with their lives so I wouldn't worry about it.

Maybe start a family whatsapp chat where you can send jokes and post pics etc?

Mine are in their 30's and I know what you mean. My daughter was an only child for 4 years, then her brother was born and she was like WTF ?? She was horrified that this baby was coming to live with us . She never changed in her opinion of him , and growing up they just barely tolerated each other. The ice melted a bit when they were both single and going out clubbing, but when they moved beyond that era, the ice froze over again and it's the same to this day.

They don't live close enough for casual get-togethers, and I doubt that they'd bother with that sort of thing anyway, they have their own families and friends and don't ever see each other unless I organise a family day. It's sad , and the opposite of what I'd hoped for, but I can't change it now.