I feel like I have to send my son to nursery because of the health visitor

[TEhCraft]

Ok. I debated posting here because I’ve seen some users often post harsh responses and I just want some understanding and input from other mums and dads.

DH and I have two lovely children. Our Ds is almost 2 and our DD is 5.

We have never had any issues with DD and she has always met all of her milestones. She is a happy, healthy child and there is little to say about her here in this context.
We never sent DD to private nursery (she is now in school) because we used a child minder and MIL and FIL whilst DH and I worked full time.

I am no longer working due to MS, however my husband still works part time. My mum and MIL help out with DS during the week but in January we decided to also send him to a private nursery for 2 days a week. It’s on our road and we thought it would be a good idea.

We’ve since realised it isn’t suiting him or us. We can’t really afford it anymore either. I 100% want to pull him out and so does DH, but our health visitor is making that very difficult. My anxiety is through the roof over this and I’ve no idea what to do about it.

As abit of background - the HV came to do DS’ 2 year check up a month ago. We told her truthfully that we have some concerns as he is showing autistic type traits and he also struggles with his speech. He is mostly none verbal. She told us that she would work with his nursery to come up with a plan to help him and then went out of her way to discuss how amazing his nursery was because apparently she used to work there before she became a HV.

However the issue is - we haven’t found them to be amazing. They rarely give us information on what DS has been doing, they never seem to want to put the time aside to chat to DH and I about how his day has gone (and it’s been this way for weeks now) they’ve never supplied us with photos of him or any evidence as to what he actually does there. On top of all this - we literally cannot afford it because we found out 2 weeks ago that our landlord is selling our current home therefore we are having to move to a more expensive house (luckily we managed to find one, however it’s an extra £350 a month)

He also doesn’t really seem to enjoy nursery and comes out very stressed and over stimulated. I don’t want this anymore for him until he’s older. When he isn’t at nursery, we spend our time taking long walks in the countryside and he attends two extra curricular activities that be really enjoys (football and swimming) It isn’t as though we intend to keep him cooped up as this has never been the case.

So anyway, the reason I’m posting.
I called the HV yesterday to see what was happening as she was supposed to be referring DS for speech therapy (she said it’s a 12 month wait in our area, close to London) I told her on the phone we had to move and then mentioned we want to withdraw DS from nursery as we aren’t really enjoying sending him and we aren’t too pleased with the nursery.

She said that she had always had positive experiences with his nursery and that we should ‘consider’ not withdrawing him because apparently nursery will really help with his speech delay so we could be making him worse by withdrawing him!!!

We cannot afford to keep sending him comfortably, and now I feel that we have to because she didn’t seem happy about us potentially withdrawing him. Obviously this is a text post and you mumsnetters reading were not witness to the call, but she took a really, really annoyed tone with me and made me feel awful for wanting to withdraw DS.

I’m just so Paranoid now that if we withdraw him she will contact social services or something about us because she spent the longest time ranting and raving about how we definitely shouldn’t withdraw him ‘especially as he has delays’ and that it ‘could make things more difficult for him’ She also topped it all off by saying she would be concerned ??? If we withdrew him!
He isn’t even 2 yet. Nursery was supposed to be a fun thing for us all.

I don’t know what to do. My DH is totally unfazed by her call but it has really upset me. I feel like a horrible mother.

I also understand our HV will change once we move areas and again, this is worrying me because will the health visiting service see it as DH and I dislodging plans that they were putting in place for DS? No referral has been made for him yet to speech and language and nothing more has been said about it, but the call with the HV just left a really bad taste in my mouth because she was very aloof and annoyed with me.

We have never had any involvement with social services or any children’s services - both of our children were conceived via IVF and maybe that’s why I get myself as worked up because I’m trying so hard to do what is right for them and it didn’t feel as though the HV was seeing it that way.

Has anyone got any advice or support? Sorry if this is all a little jumbled.

Thanks.

@ChoiceMummy

My lo had a speech delay and never went to nursery, u til 3.5 despite hv saying the same. We accessed salt by my self referral. The hv service was useless tbh. I also self referred for audiology testing, as I'd recommend you did and had a referral back to paediatrics for my lo as we'd had concerns about delays from young. To then be formally diagnosed with autism.

Fwiw, nursery was very stressful and was not in their best interests.

Small group activities like singing groups, children centre groups, forest school, playgroups, all where was accompanied by me, were fantastic for my lo.

In my experience, hv should offer all sorts of support. They could add nothing more than what I was with my Los delays, including food, sensory, motor skills, potty training etc. Ignire what she's said, she can be as concerned as she likes. Your child is your child to decide for.

Agree with all of this.

Nursery is a necessity for many but it can also be stressful and not the best place for children, especially if they have additional needs.

My DC did much better at home, doing playgroups and music classes etc. we tried two days of nursery and it was miserable and not right for him or us.

does he go to toddler groups?
can either of your relatives take him,?

i think it is just the hoops we need to go through, for a referral for salt or similar, you need early years support, via a nursery.

In my experience (in a different area to you) nursery will do so much more than a speach therapist. We waited 9 months to find out it was literally one 15min session, child did not day a single word, but because they played the speach therapist deemed that fine and no further action was needed for another 9 months. We are now past that 9 months and never heard anything from her again.
In the mean time we put her in nursery and speach has come on amazingly.
As much as it doesn't sound like she is going about things well, i would be inclined to keep him nursery if at all possible

Sounds like one of her relatives works at the nursery and she is using her position as an HV to recruit DC for them!

Op, have some confidence in yourself. Just repeat when questioned. "I'm his mother and I know what is best for my child thank you" .

She has no right to bully you like this. Tell her to jog on (politely).

Your DS will have good one to one contact with you at home, you can talk to him, read him stories, sing with him and verbally guide him through activities like baking. At 2 years old, what could be better?

You can no longer afford it so nursery is out of the question anyway. Sounds like this HV is on a bit of a power trip imho. Could you put the wind up her a bit by asking for the name of her supervisor or manager?

@MrsLargeEmbodied

i think it is just the hoops we need to go through, for a referral for salt or similar, you need early years support, via a nursery.

No you don't. You can have a referral if the child does not ot attend. Though childcare seems to be the holy grail for many parents and professionals, it is not for many children!

@Barkingmadhouse

In my experience (in a different area to you) nursery will do so much more than a speach therapist. We waited 9 months to find out it was literally one 15min session, child did not day a single word, but because they played the speach therapist deemed that fine and no further action was needed for another 9 months. We are now past that 9 months and never heard anything from her again. In the mean time we put her in nursery and speach has come on amazingly. As much as it doesn't sound like she is going about things well, i would be inclined to keep him nursery if at all possible

But this is not the case for many. And given the child has been in nursery for 4 months with no discernible improvements, that's obviously not the case for this child either.

Nursery is great when they're in a poor family situation, where adults don't communicate well with the children and there are a lack of socialisation opportunities for the children. None of that is the case here.

Nurseries can be very challenging for children with additional needs, such as asd. As the op has also stated.

As a parent of a child with autism I will say nursery can help hugely developmentally in a way that one to one parent care cant particularly social interaction with peers. A good nursery can also help speech too.

However the reality is you can’t afford it. If the health visitor was so concerned should be pushing to get a 2 year funded place for your son not asking you to pay for something you can’t.

She sounds like a shit HV.

I would suspect she is getting some under the table financial reward for referring people to that nursery & making sure they stay enrolled.

Do as you see fit.

Assert yourself by "scripting":

The event. Tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem:

"I appreciate your concern about delayed speech but we can no longer afford nursery as we are moving house and I feel home is the best place for my two year old son right now, not nursery. "

Your feelings. Describe how you feel about the situation and express your emotions clearly.

"I feel uncomfortably pressured by you over our decision to move my two year old son out of nursery when we feel it is the best thing for him ."

Your needs. Tell the other person exactly what you need from them so that they don't have to guess.

"I would be grateful if you would please stop pressuring me about nursery care for my son. I am his mother and want the best for him. I understand your concerns but we are not able to afford nursery atm even if we wanted to continue to send him there, which we don't"

The consequences. Describe the positive impact that your request will have for the other person or the company if your needs are met successfully.

"If you can treat my decision with respect then I will not be forced to take this matter up with your manager"

@Dinoteeth The HV should be referring to Speech and Language and helping in other ways but that's not going to happen if Op decides to opt out of the HV service.
Opting out isn't exactly going to help
In the U.K. we have GP’s maybe you haven’t heard of them , however among other things they refer patients to other services!

As others have said- learn to be assertive, you are the expert on your child. If you don't think nursery is the right thing for him then please don't feel obligated because of the HV comments. If it's money just wait until free hours kick in and find a new nursery.
If you child is autistic/has SEN then you will have to learn to be assertive, be explicit about what your child needs/what you want and push back when things aren't right. Being overly polite and passive just allows people to delay getting your child any help they need. I'd be chasing the HV and asking what she intends to do to help now your son isn't at nursery. Help shouldn't be contingent on him attending.
You explained your reasoning for leaving nursery well so as long as you do that to HV shouldn't have any concerns.
I echo what others said- go via your GP if you think they need to see a SALT as this HW seems to be in no hurry.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Dinoteeth* The HV should be referring to Speech and Language and helping in other ways but that's not going to happen if Op decides to opt out of the HV service.*
Opting out isn't exactly going to help
In the U.K. we have GP’s maybe you haven’t heard of them , however among other things they refer patients to other services![/quote]
Aye and trying to see a GP is dead easy

Loads of children don't speak until 2. Why the panic?

He's your child and its your family.

Your child will talk.

Pull him out if thats whats best for you all.

@Dinoteeth yes easy enough for a telephone app which is all that would be needed.

💯 pull him out , it's not working for any of you . It's nothing to do with the HV

You know your son far better than anyone else. If you don't feel nursery (or that nursery) is right for him then you take him out.

One of my DDs was hardly speaking at the age of 2. She went to no nursery at all. She is now business manager for W Europe in a big multinational.

When she did finally speak it was a torrent of words!

You know your son best and if you do not feel the nursery is right for him, then do not send him. There is no reason why you cannot make sure that he is exposed to lots of conversation. He is not happy at this nursery so this will not help him - he is not going to pick up language in a place where he feels stressed - and you are stressed by the financial aspects - that does not help anyone.

This sentence stuck out for me: She told us that she would work with his nursery to come up with a plan to help him - ask her to work with YOU to the same end.

I would ask her if she’s willing to pay for it - and I’m being serious. She has absolutely no right to guilt trip you into paying for nursery.
My two both enjoyed nursery and did well there - they did 3 days and it worked out well. But even if you thought it was a great nursery if you can’t afford it, that is it. Simple as that. If you need to have another interaction with her make it clear that you cannot afford it. If she comes out with more of the same, ask her if she will pay for it. Because you can’t.

Get thexrefraals
Self refer
If he has delays and tgese are diagnosed push for a place in funded nursery /specialist nursery