I feel like I have to send my son to nursery because of the health visitor

[TEhCraft]

Ok. I debated posting here because I’ve seen some users often post harsh responses and I just want some understanding and input from other mums and dads.

DH and I have two lovely children. Our Ds is almost 2 and our DD is 5.

We have never had any issues with DD and she has always met all of her milestones. She is a happy, healthy child and there is little to say about her here in this context.
We never sent DD to private nursery (she is now in school) because we used a child minder and MIL and FIL whilst DH and I worked full time.

I am no longer working due to MS, however my husband still works part time. My mum and MIL help out with DS during the week but in January we decided to also send him to a private nursery for 2 days a week. It’s on our road and we thought it would be a good idea.

We’ve since realised it isn’t suiting him or us. We can’t really afford it anymore either. I 100% want to pull him out and so does DH, but our health visitor is making that very difficult. My anxiety is through the roof over this and I’ve no idea what to do about it.

As abit of background - the HV came to do DS’ 2 year check up a month ago. We told her truthfully that we have some concerns as he is showing autistic type traits and he also struggles with his speech. He is mostly none verbal. She told us that she would work with his nursery to come up with a plan to help him and then went out of her way to discuss how amazing his nursery was because apparently she used to work there before she became a HV.

However the issue is - we haven’t found them to be amazing. They rarely give us information on what DS has been doing, they never seem to want to put the time aside to chat to DH and I about how his day has gone (and it’s been this way for weeks now) they’ve never supplied us with photos of him or any evidence as to what he actually does there. On top of all this - we literally cannot afford it because we found out 2 weeks ago that our landlord is selling our current home therefore we are having to move to a more expensive house (luckily we managed to find one, however it’s an extra £350 a month)

He also doesn’t really seem to enjoy nursery and comes out very stressed and over stimulated. I don’t want this anymore for him until he’s older. When he isn’t at nursery, we spend our time taking long walks in the countryside and he attends two extra curricular activities that be really enjoys (football and swimming) It isn’t as though we intend to keep him cooped up as this has never been the case.

So anyway, the reason I’m posting.
I called the HV yesterday to see what was happening as she was supposed to be referring DS for speech therapy (she said it’s a 12 month wait in our area, close to London) I told her on the phone we had to move and then mentioned we want to withdraw DS from nursery as we aren’t really enjoying sending him and we aren’t too pleased with the nursery.

She said that she had always had positive experiences with his nursery and that we should ‘consider’ not withdrawing him because apparently nursery will really help with his speech delay so we could be making him worse by withdrawing him!!!

We cannot afford to keep sending him comfortably, and now I feel that we have to because she didn’t seem happy about us potentially withdrawing him. Obviously this is a text post and you mumsnetters reading were not witness to the call, but she took a really, really annoyed tone with me and made me feel awful for wanting to withdraw DS.

I’m just so Paranoid now that if we withdraw him she will contact social services or something about us because she spent the longest time ranting and raving about how we definitely shouldn’t withdraw him ‘especially as he has delays’ and that it ‘could make things more difficult for him’ She also topped it all off by saying she would be concerned ??? If we withdrew him!
He isn’t even 2 yet. Nursery was supposed to be a fun thing for us all.

I don’t know what to do. My DH is totally unfazed by her call but it has really upset me. I feel like a horrible mother.

I also understand our HV will change once we move areas and again, this is worrying me because will the health visiting service see it as DH and I dislodging plans that they were putting in place for DS? No referral has been made for him yet to speech and language and nothing more has been said about it, but the call with the HV just left a really bad taste in my mouth because she was very aloof and annoyed with me.

We have never had any involvement with social services or any children’s services - both of our children were conceived via IVF and maybe that’s why I get myself as worked up because I’m trying so hard to do what is right for them and it didn’t feel as though the HV was seeing it that way.

Has anyone got any advice or support? Sorry if this is all a little jumbled.

Thanks.

Pull him out and ignore the HV, honestly in a couple yes you won't even remember her name. You know what's best for your family, sounds like HV has an agenda Tbh x

My two went to nursery, they loved it and we loved the nursery. It sounds like you are not getting on with the nursery and your ds is not settling. So take him out. Your hv does not need a nursery to refer your ds - as a pp has said you could go to your gp and discuss ds speech with them.

Have a look at local playgroups. You could look at childminders or just keep your ds at home and look at nurseries again whenhe turns 3. Nothing will happen if you take your son out. I'd request to swap hv too.

Hmmmm I'd be very concerned about a clinical professional "reccomending" an nursery she had worked at and getting arsey if you find it doesn't suit your child or there are other issues ansd you want to remove him. Its most unprofessional. As a retired NHS OT, I can tell you that while I might be allowed to suggest a selection of private facilities for a patient, I would not be allowed to suggest just one and definitely NOT one I had worked at. I would also absolutely NOT be allowed to protest or put pressure on if you decided it didn't suit your child. If you have any issues with theis HV being difficult, I'd be going to her employer via their PALS service.

She's being ridiculous. It's entirely up to you whether he goes to nursery and she certainly shouldn't be pushing you to carry on sending him when you can't afford to!

A practical suggestion: you say your DH is not worried so maybe get him to ring her next time? That way you've got communication going but you're not having to do it!

Have an unMN hug. The HV is not going to report you for safe guarding.

How do your children interact with each other? I don't have children, but as I'm mid 50's lots of friends/relatives have and second children often have an older sibling who 'interprets' or speaks for the younger one. Also the second child often starts speaking in sentences and skip the one word, two word stage.

One of my friend's child was referred to Audiology and a decision was made to teach him some signs so that mum could potty train. Once her LO had to ask for things instead of just pointing he used sigs for about a week then decided talking was easier.

Nursery isn't right for all children, even when nursery is a good thing for a child it can be that one nursery suits a child better than another.

You and your DH are doing a great job, try to worry less and just enjoy being a mum as much as your health will allow.

@Dinoteeth

The HV should be referring to Speech and Language and helping in other ways but that's not going to happen if Op decides to opt out of the HV service. Opting out isn't exactly going to help

Staying with someone bullying, doing nothing, having an agenda re the nursery isn't going to help!

Your new health visitor will refer him to speech therapy at his 2 year check in 8 months.

However the waiting lists are so long it takes ages to get seen and then they mostly ask you to do a lot of it yourself anyway.

There's list of speech therapist resources online so I would start looking at those and doing a few things with him yourself. Or you some of the money you save from stopping nursery to pay for a private assessment so you at least know exactly what your son's issues are.

As others have said you don't have to send him to the private nursery and can't afford it. When you move will there be a school with a nursery class you can put his name down for?

Removing the child from nursery isn’t opting out of the HV service.

Out of interest, are you sure she’s a HV and not a community health worker? Where I am the CHWs do all the 2 year reviews, the HV do more complex work including the safeguarding work. Just fits more with having been working at a nursery previously as a HV is a trained nurse or midwife.

I would be surprised if your HV team changes when your move is so small, so personally I would email requesting the SALT referral & explaining you can no longer afford to send DS to nursery but will be doing X Y Z. You don’t need to explain yourself but if you’re worried about safeguarding etc it gives a protective paper trail.

My son, now 9, did not get anything out of nursery at that age at all. He is autistic. It was far too stressful and confusing for him. Did not help with speech as too much noise and different people. I wish I'd pulled him out.

I'm an early years practitioner and in when a child with more needs than this left his place because they didn't want more referrals, I checked with safeguarding just to cover myself - they were clear it wasn't a safeguarding issue, it's entirely parental choice.

Hey op I can understand why you are worrying but let's break it down.
1 - due to finances the nursery is off the table .
2 - possible speech delay in ds .

Take ds to gp and access help this way ( if needed )
Repeat to hv he will not be continuing in that nursery and you are addressing his speech via medical professionals.
Thank hv for all her help pointing it out but from now on you'll be dispensing on her services .
I do not think she will continue to harass you after that.

I also have a 2yo with a speech delay. First of all, take him out of nursery if you want - they can't do anything about that. Secondly, are you sure the hv has to do the referral? In my area we self refer for SALT and they can also assess for autism/ refer to a paediatrician. I'd Google SALT in your area and see if there's a help line you can ring or an email address - it could well be you don't need the HV at all. You could also try a GP appointment and see if they can refer you to a paediatrician for an autism assessment too. I'd really recommend moving things on as quickly as you can because waiting lists are huge!! If any of your ds' behaviours include not responding when people talk, get his hearing checked too. Even if you know he can hear, it will be the first thing advised so you may as well do it to show it's not hearing related. My ds also goes to nursery and honestly the health Visitor never contacted them, even though she said she would after I rang when he was 18mo concerned about potential autism and again after his 2 year check when he was still totally non verbal. I don't think attending nursery has made any difference to how quickly he will be seen!

If you can't afford nursery, then he can't go! It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

You can self refer to speech therapy, or find a drop in / advice session - maybe at local children and family centre? Even if a referral is made, you are unlikely to get regular therapy even when your son reaches top of the wait-list. If it is anything like the area I live in, you'll get a 6 week group session in 18 months time and then nothing else unless you need an assessment for EHCP application.

You could see if you are eligible for 2yr funding, and look for a pre school (church hall type one) which are a bit less full on than private nursery and if you get funding, won't be a financial burden. But this won't be til the term after he is 2 anyway.

He is little! He doesn't need nursery yet. It isn't a safeguarding issue to not put your 1yr old in nursery!

Good luck

I'd pull him out - if you can't afford it, you can't afford it, especially if he's not getting much out of it. Money is a concern for a huge amount of parents and your HV is doing a crap job if she can't recognise the struggle lots of families are facing.

I'd push for a SALT referral at 2 via your new HV or GP and make sure that he's getting plenty of opportunity to hear and use language - playgrounds, stay & plays, going out and about in normal life.

Find your strength and self-belief. You are his parent - you know what's right for him.

Op, you, as parents, make the decisions, not the health visitor. Pull him out if you wish.

I asked (told) my health visitor to leave because she was overstepping the mark on what was her concern. You do not have to tolerate such 'pressure'.

Incidentally my ds said his first word at 2 years & 2 months, was using accurate sentences by three and is now doing 11 GCSEs. Dcs develop at different rates so don't worry yet, just keep an eye on progress.

I think she is highly biased and acting unprofessionally. As others have said pull him out and self refer to SALT before strongly considering a complaint about her. She is prioritizing getting to pal around at her old stomping ground and act the “big I am” over the needs of your son.

If you can’t afford it that’s the end of it.

I don’t find it that odd a professional recommending nurseries. Certain nurseries and schools are known for being better with sen then others.

You should be entitled to nursery funding when your child turns 2 though. I would recommend nursery with a good SEN though once he is 2.

Have you checked if you can refer yourself to speech and language. I'm in Birmingham and I'm pretty sure here it's an open referral system, i.e. you can refer your child yourself. But I also agree with others to ask GP to refer to audiology first as speech delays are often linked to hearing issues. Health visitors can be right dragons though so I would just ignore her if you can, and do what's best for your family.

We declined services of the HV, they gave us dreadful, outdated advice. If I have a problem we go through the GP who arranges correct referrals to professionals. I’d decline any further services from the HV if they are causing such problems and go to your GP.

It's just the HV, they don't grade you and you don't owe them an explanation about how you live your life. Spending your time in a home environment with engaged parents who talk and play with you lots and take you out of the home to meet with others is a brilliant language rich environment for children. You can engage with SALT directly and you don't need a health visitor to act as an intermediary.

Well you've said your moving so that's your answer. You pull him out of nursery, your HV will get changed in a different area.

You could ask about FEET funding when you move, if hv suggests nursery is still important.

You could also ask about Portage, which may be available in your area. In some areas you my be able to access Portage funding that could help support some hours at Nursery (if that's what you want to do.)
www.portage.org.uk/support/resources/resources-parents