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Original poster

Is this strange behaviour from grandparents or am I reading too much into it?

56 replies

rainbow186 · 13/04/2022 11:53

I and DH are questioning whether it's normal for a grandparent to take it on themselves to make sure our dd who is now 4, has a meal, this isn't just when we go to their house which is where I would consider normal but it's when they visit our house they bring her lunch, if we go out somewhere for a picnic and we agree to make our own they still bring her lunch, not just a treat a sandwich, fruit, crisps, biscuits, cake and a drink. This has always happened. The one that's really led us to question it more was the other weekend we went to a family party that started at 2 so we fed dd lunch before but when we arrived mil had a lunchbox for her and I heard her questioning DH on whether dd had lunch which he told her yes. She then came to me and asked me so I asked her why she was asking me when she had just spoken to DH about this so I was confused why she was asking. She then asked whether dd had a good enough lunch? I don't understand her thinking and why bring a lunch to a party where food is provided for everyone. DH is getting frustrated with her behaviour, thinks she is saying we don't feed her enough and wants to challenge it but I want to check whether people think this behaviour is normal?

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WildCoasts · 13/04/2022 11:56

I think it's weird. Don't they trust you to feed her?

HumunaHey · 13/04/2022 11:57

That's not normal. It's overbearing behaviour and MIL needs to be told to tone it down.

Is it her first grandchild? She seems over zealous.

evrey · 13/04/2022 11:59

I know someone with that sort of mind frame . He was however starved as a small child , and seems to always overly fuss about whether his children have been fed enough.

However no it isn't normal.

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ChicCroissant · 13/04/2022 11:59

I don't think it's weird, it's just a grandparent thing. They want to be the ones giving her lunch occasionally, so I'd redirect them to bring the kind of food/snacks your DD likes. It doesn't sound to me as if they are saying that you don't feed her at all.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 13/04/2022 11:59

Has she decided your kid is too skinny? Have either you or your husband ever gonz through a period of disordered eating?

Cheesewiz · 13/04/2022 11:59

Weird and a tad offensive, it's like they think you don't feed her!

cptartapp · 13/04/2022 12:02

Of course it's weird and not their place.
Too involved.

toomuchlaundry · 13/04/2022 12:03

But why bring lunch when lunch is already being provided @ChicCroissant? Bring a treat maybe, as GPs like to spoil grandchildren, but not a lunch

Beees · 13/04/2022 12:06

@Cheesewiz

Weird and a tad offensive, it's like they think you don't feed her!

Agreed. It's really not a normal thing for a grandparent to do.

Preparing lunch for her when she's is at theirs is fine but what you describe is not normal behaviour. I'd definitely be feeling frustrated at the implication that you don't feed her properly.

Georgeskitchen · 13/04/2022 12:21

I think perhaps she didn't get much to eat as a child and wants to make sure her granddaughter doesn't endure the same hunger

thistimelastweek · 13/04/2022 12:26

Speaking from a Granny perspective, yeah it's a bit odd.

Comedycook · 13/04/2022 12:28

I agree with your dh. I think that they think you don't feed her enough

JemimaTiggywinkle · 13/04/2022 12:30

This is very odd behaviour.
Obviously if they’re looking after her they should provide lunch. But all scenarios are really weird - it’s like they’re worried she’s not getting enough food at home.

Can your DH ask her outright why she keeps bringing lunches?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 13/04/2022 12:30

*all other scenarios

ChicCroissant · 13/04/2022 12:32

@toomuchlaundry

But why bring lunch when lunch is already being provided *@ChicCroissant*? Bring a treat maybe, as GPs like to spoil grandchildren, but not a lunch

Simply because they want to give their grandchild their lunch that day.

If they thought there was a lack of food in the family, I think they'd be bringing their son something as well! But from what the OP has said, they just bring food for their grandchild. Maybe they bring extra food for everyone and always have - I'm going on what the OP said and she only mentioned the grandchild.

MyfriendArchie · 13/04/2022 12:34

I would be very offended. Can you (or DH as they are his parents!) not just say outright that you are perplexed as to why they are doing this? Ask what their concerns are?

toomuchlaundry · 13/04/2022 12:37

@ChicCroissant do you take your own lunch when you go somewhere and you know lunch is being provided? Unless special dietary needs you know that is rude don’t you

M0RVEN · 13/04/2022 12:38

Does your MIL have some food / control issues? Is she using this to get at your about something she dislikes about your parenting eg you are vegetarian ?

Either way your Dh ( not you ) needs to address this with her directly now. I assume it’s been happening for years now so it’s not going to go away unless you do something.

Your Dh needs to tell then that you ( both of you) have noticed that she brings food for your Dd when it’s not appropriate, that you are sure she doesn’t mean anything by it ( she does ) but it needs to stop.

She also needs to stop questioning you about what your child eats. And asking one of you a question and then ignoring the answer and asking the other.

He shouldn’t get into any arguements about it, just be clear and firm. If she doesn’t stop doing it then you needed to see less of her.

Do this now before your child begins to pick up on grandmas anxiety about food.

@rainbow186 don’t you get involved in this in any way - leave it to your husband. 95% of MIL issues could be solved if husbands dealt with their own parents. Some men are good at winding up both their mother and their wife, then letting them fight it out while wringing their hands and whinging “ I just want everyone to get along “.

Of course none of the above applies if you, your Dh or your child have food issues and your child is not a healthy weight and eating a healthy diet.

Beees · 13/04/2022 12:40

Simply because they want to give their grandchild their lunch that day.

This is such a strange counter argument. It's obviously not because they want to make her lunch, it's actually quite controlling behaviour that implies the OP and her DH can't properly provide for their child especially as when the OP and her husband both say she's eaten they persist on working out if the food she's eaten is 'acceptable'.

PierresPotato · 13/04/2022 12:40

It's weird.

Flipflopfoodle · 13/04/2022 12:41

Bringing treats, or an odd packed lunch on trips not so bad but a full pack up, every time and then the questions takes this into weird territory. My SIL says her over riding memory as a kid was being hungry and she has always been stressed around meals with her own kids. She may be worried you're not feeding your DD enough but it could also be so easily her own issue. I think a proper talk with her and some boundaries in place.

Sally872 · 13/04/2022 12:43

Really strange. Must say more about her than you and dh though.

Maybe she worried about providing enough food for her children? Or didn't feel there was enough food for herself growing up?

It would annoy me but if otherwise a good MIL/grandparent I would try not to engage much with her on it.

Octomore · 13/04/2022 12:48

Have you tried pre-empting it? When you're messaging with the invite to whatever it is, you could explicitly say "No need to bring any food for DD, as we'll have plenty in"

What does she say if you do that? Would she bring food anyway?

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/04/2022 12:51

Not normal. If we were all taking our own picnic I'd probably bring a treat I know my granddaughter liked (but give it to the parents to decide when she had it). I am someone who bakes though.

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 12:57

Very strange and not okay. Just ask why they are doing this and then tell them not to. Also please let us know what they say?!

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