Is this strange behaviour from grandparents or am I reading too much into it?

[rainbow186]

I and DH are questioning whether it's normal for a grandparent to take it on themselves to make sure our dd who is now 4, has a meal, this isn't just when we go to their house which is where I would consider normal but it's when they visit our house they bring her lunch, if we go out somewhere for a picnic and we agree to make our own they still bring her lunch, not just a treat a sandwich, fruit, crisps, biscuits, cake and a drink. This has always happened. The one that's really led us to question it more was the other weekend we went to a family party that started at 2 so we fed dd lunch before but when we arrived mil had a lunchbox for her and I heard her questioning DH on whether dd had lunch which he told her yes. She then came to me and asked me so I asked her why she was asking me when she had just spoken to DH about this so I was confused why she was asking. She then asked whether dd had a good enough lunch? I don't understand her thinking and why bring a lunch to a party where food is provided for everyone. DH is getting frustrated with her behaviour, thinks she is saying we don't feed her enough and wants to challenge it but I want to check whether people think this behaviour is normal?

My mil is like this. Thank fully not with my DD yet, but with her friends grand daughter. She is constantly going on to everyone who will listen about how this little girl isn't fed enough (nothing to suggest this, the girl is fine). Because MIL isn't there every time she has a meal she just can't suspend her imagination to believe that her mother feeds her. She'll make things really awkward by ordering takeaways but just for the 4 year old and I just can't stand to watch it because it's so insulting and patronising. The mother doesn't seem to have noticed yet. But I would bet that this is what your MIL is doing. She needs to be told firmly that it is not her job to feed your kids and that you have it covered.

Is there a backstory here, was she starved as a child or remembers rationing or something else?

Very weird unless there is some backstory where they were starved as children. And even then I’d gently suggest there are better ways of addressing that fear.

A waste of food too if you’re already bringing something.

Weird, rude, and overbearing. I’d ask her why each time and reiterate that you and your DH have already provided her food so her doing the same is a complete waste.

It is very odd.
I would pick a time to visit them both, together, and DH ask her why she does it (with interest/concern) and tell her how it makes you both feel with a view to coming to an agreement over it.
I wish DH and I had done similar with PIL over the many odd things they did - DH always was against it as the big family mantra was always 'don't upset your mother' which I found very odd. He thought is was odd/manipulative too but it took him years/decades to stop being ruled by it...and then he blew up at them and gave it all to them in one go, after years of irreversible damage had been done.
I know I'm projecting here but this behaviour definitely isn't normal and I wouldn't sweep it under the carpet.

Odd, strange and annoying.

I’d definitely get DH to bring it up in a very straight way, find out why.
“Hey Mum, why do you bring Dd a packed lunch every time we see you? It feels like a waste and we’re confused why you’re doing this when she’s already had lunch.”

Definitely weird.

Which set of parents are these - yours or your DH's?

I'd be getting DH to nip this one in the bud, sharpish.

If they are your parents, you need to nip it in the bud, equally sharpish.

Ask the grandmother about her experience of a grandparents when she was a child. It’s likely there is something deeper going on. Wouldn’t be surprised if her mum restricted her food and it was her grandmother that fed her - she’s replaying that scenario (unconsciously). She will unlikely be aware of how her behaviour is being interpreted. Once she is aware it should ease off. Don’t speak to her from a confrontational approach, take a curious approach instead. Help her heal.

Just smile very sweetly and say

" Oh, how kind. Thankyou MIL .BUT we have already provided a good meal for our DC. Do please eat your lovely picnic so it won't go to waste... would you like a plate and cutlery? ".

Repeat as often as necessary Eventually she will get the message

My mother still does this occasionally, and my kids are 20, 18 and 16!
She even rings the eldest at uni to check she’s eaten. I think it comes from a place of nurturing and love. But I have had to have many a conversation to say we are capable of feeding ourselves over the years! She’s better now than she used to be, but still brings over food for the children just in case they’re still hungry ( although now she doesit with a wry smile). I graciously accept, say they’re fine, she smiles and says ‘ just in case!’ And I actually now just use the food as our next meal, so it’s a win!
I guess you just need to keep reinforcing that you’re a capable parent

She brings lunch to your house? thats very weird

Early-onset dementia?, sometimes strange behavior is a sign of this, from personal experience I look back at things my Mother in law did and were signs that we did not pick up at the time.

Is it likely that on one occasion she didn't agree with what you were giving her for lunch so has taken it upon herself to declare you unfit parents and provide dd's lunch?
It's really strange and I can't believe you've not said anything already!

Granny sounds bonkers to me.

Is your dd particularly thin op?

Children are supposed to be thin, not the solid lumps most of them are these days.

@blacksax

Children are supposed to be thin, not the solid lumps most of them are these days.

Yes and there is a whole spectrum from dangerously thin to morbidly obese. I'm asking where the ops child sits on that spectrum?

[quote toomuchlaundry]@ChicCroissant do you take your own lunch when you go somewhere and you know lunch is being provided? Unless special dietary needs you know that is rude don’t you[/quote]
No, I don't take my own lunch. Nothing has been said about an adult taking food for themselves. The OP hasn't even mentioned the MIL taking any food for her own adult son, just the grandchild.

It is odd. My granny was a little obsessed with everyone finishing their meals, clearing plates etc - my mum said this was because of rationing when she was younger.

@ChicCroissant, adult or child, it doesn’t make a difference, if lunch is being provided for someone why bring an additional lunch?

Hi all thank you for your feedback
Dd is the weight range for her age and is not a fussy eater by any means, I don't know where she puts it.
Mil, I don't know what her gran was like with her, she was brought up in the army so was away a lot growing up. She talks about money being tight for food but also talks about being a fussy eater (which she still is) and her mum going above and beyond to get the foods she would eat.
We have had endless issues with her views and it has caused some tense situations, more so when she lost it when we said no to dd having a doughnut an hour before bed on holiday. She has accused us of not feeding her enough as her opinion is dd is small and nothing to her. She has had issues with dd not accepting a dummy or comforter, it wasn't that we never tried it like she makes out she never took to it. They complain if we tell dd off saying she's too young to understand, it's not like we are even mean to her by shouting just explaining why it was wrong and at times asking her to sit on the stairs to calm down. Dd sneezes mil is saying she has a cold and needs calpol. She goes on about dd supposedly having tummy ache, ear ache etc. she is always getting her to drink loads, constantly asking if she wants the toilet and asking if she has pooed.
Mil has a range of health issues which me and DH feel she enjoys the attention from talking about them. She will start talking to strangers about them. I personally feel she likes the idea of dd being sick for more attention, dd was premature and had week lungs which are fine now but she enjoys telling everyone what weak lungs she has. She constantly wants dd to drink juice which has caused many arguments as she will not listen and hates it when dd chooses water. DH overheard her telling dd to bite her cousin back even though he has never bit her and not the right answer, don't even understand how they got into this conversation. DH did challenge her on it, first she denied it and when he said he heard her she went silent.
Mil does have poor health and a few strokes. I understand mentally she isn't always right, getting her words mixed up. Some things I do put down to the possibility of the onset of dementia but some things like the argument on holiday and they things she constantly goes on about I feel she is trying to enforcing her views to have it her way.

Sounds a bit like Munchausen by proxy.
Don’t want to be sinister but has DD ever been ill after seeing MIL or after eating something she’s brought for her?