Is this strange behaviour from grandparents or am I reading too much into it?

[rainbow186]

I and DH are questioning whether it's normal for a grandparent to take it on themselves to make sure our dd who is now 4, has a meal, this isn't just when we go to their house which is where I would consider normal but it's when they visit our house they bring her lunch, if we go out somewhere for a picnic and we agree to make our own they still bring her lunch, not just a treat a sandwich, fruit, crisps, biscuits, cake and a drink. This has always happened. The one that's really led us to question it more was the other weekend we went to a family party that started at 2 so we fed dd lunch before but when we arrived mil had a lunchbox for her and I heard her questioning DH on whether dd had lunch which he told her yes. She then came to me and asked me so I asked her why she was asking me when she had just spoken to DH about this so I was confused why she was asking. She then asked whether dd had a good enough lunch? I don't understand her thinking and why bring a lunch to a party where food is provided for everyone. DH is getting frustrated with her behaviour, thinks she is saying we don't feed her enough and wants to challenge it but I want to check whether people think this behaviour is normal?

To be honest because we don't trust her we are always around. I and DH have agreed that until dd is able to tell us what's happening they will never be allowed to look after her on their own as FIL always agrees with mil.

It is odd but I'd shrug it off. My mum brings my kids so many sweets and treats every time she visits (think 2 carrier bags full). She doesn't realise they don't get eaten and they aren't even excited about them. Generally they go out of date and we throw 80% away.

I've tried tactfully (and not so tactfully) raising it but it hadn't helped. It's from a place of love. He grew up with sweet rationing. Just try to see the funny side and shrug it off.

It is strange behaviour, almost compulsive? I would assume that it comes from a place of trauma like perhaps she felt she never had enough food as a child or something.

Or there has been some incident (perhaps the doughnut one?) where she had a disagreement with you about food for DD and she feels worried on some level that you might not feed her adequately.

It probably comes from a place of love and well-meaning concern rather than anything sinister. I think the munchausens by proxy suggestion is a bit far fetched but if you do notice her being ill after anything her grandmother has fed her maybe something to be aware of. But it seems unlikely.

You’re right Bertie my suggestion of munchausen by proxy is a little far fetched. It was more in response to the obsessing over DDs health/ potentially enjoying the attention over DDs “weak lungs” etc, as well as the food stuff.

Either way, I think you’re doing the right thing OP by not letting DD see PILs alone. It’s good that DH can see it too.

Ok so your MIL has a lot of control issues, she is arguing with you and trying to undermine your authority with your DD and interfere in how you bring her up.

You really REALLY need to nip this is the bud now. Your Dd is 4 , she needs to learn to listen to her body to find out if she is hungry/ thirsty / needs to use the toilet. Your MIL is teaching your DD that she is wrong and can’t trust her own judgement , that she needs a random relative ( not even her parent ) to tell her how to feel.

This isn’t the message you want her to internalise. You also dont went to her pick up on her GMs health obsessions and believe that she is frail / sick / weak. I think you should consider carefully the point that a PP raised about your MIL fabricating illnesses for herself To get attention and that now she might be doing the same with your DD.

Your husband needs to stop arguing with his mother about all this - its not up for negotiation. Either your MIL stops or you see less of her. He can visit his mother while you stay at home with your DD.

Im sorry to be so direct, but you needs to put the welfare of your DD before your husbands fear, obligations or guilty. It’s your job to protect your DD from anyone whose behaviour might harm her.

Personally Id not let a GP like this care for my child even if she was old enough to talk. This type of abuse isn’t obvious and your DD wont even know to tell you things.

Yes, I entirely agree with this. The health related issues are quite worrying. I’ve dealt firmly with something not half as bad as this - think GP saying not to give too much of a particular fruit only in season because it doesn’t agree with them. Said fruit is one of the few fruits DS likes so I let him have a good sized bowl not a tiny portion. wont have this kind of projection and GP has got the message. I just said firmly that it was good for him and he could have a good portion.
It sounds as though it’s worse for you in that she insists on things after you’ve expressed your wishes. DH has to be firm here, or reduce the visits.