I’ve messed up - mum/ adult son relationship - fear I’m losing him

[Seagulls1965]

Hi all, I wasn’t sure if I should post this under relationships or parenting. But seeing as it’s about my son and me, I’ve gone for this one. I will say straightaway that some (maybe quite a bit) of this problem is down to me, so I am asking for advice to move forward constructively.

My son is 20 (by a few days). He is in a serious relationship (about 6 months). His girlfriend is 4 years older. Both are working, and live at their respective parental homes. My son and I have always been very close (just me and him for much of his life). He has written lovely Mother’s Day, birthday cards, saying that he appreciates what I have done for him, that I have enabled him to grow, and that I have always been there for him, fighting his corner. He is very well respected in our community, and I am very proud of him. His girlfriend is also respectable and a hard worker.
We have never had much spare money, and whilst I took him to all kinds of places (which he is now returning to with his girlfriend - a huge compliment I feel), I am not, and never was, in the financial and spending league of his girlfriends family. I was worried about this, because he has good values. Not surprisingly though, he finds their cars, houses, income, spending patterns impressive. I found out, by chance, that they are later planning to move in together, and nearer to her home, but that much of the property will be financed by his girlfriends family. In some ways I am grateful - we all know that flats etc are priced beyond the means of most young peoples income. However, his girlfriends parents knew about this much sooner than I found out. That hurt me.
I’m losing him, I know that I am. Yesterday, I asked him a question about his work and was met with rudeness. It’s none of your business, he abruptly said, infront of his girlfriend. She was embarrassed to give her credit. But he is ok with me being involved in other things - for example I have always enjoyed doing his ironing, and keeping his room welcoming (he does thank me a lot for that support as he works really long hours and I’m retired now). I have not taken any money from him as I know that he is saving for the future, that was a mistake on my part maybe.
But there’s been a shift in the sand. And it’s come quite suddenly. I have not helped. Since the rudeness yesterday I haven’t seen him as they are away. But I’ve sent various long tearful texts, saying how hurt and sad I am. That was wrong, yes I know that, but I was embarrassed and hurt. Not surprisingly, he hasn’t replied. However, this morning I did send a short text to say that whilst I am still hurt and sad, I have put on my ‘big girl pants’ today and that I will be fine. I’ve wished them a lovely day. I didn’t say anything, but I know that I need to stop doing so much for him and that some things need to change. I saw it as being supportive, but clearly it is seen as interference now. One or two friends have jokingly said that I help him too much. I admit that.
Please help me to work out what to do. I don’t want to lose him completely, but I feel that I am standing on the shoreline, sadly watching him swim away, hand in hand, to the other side, where his girlfriends family is waiting, with happy faces. I admit that if he was going to move to somewhere more local, I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as bad about it . I should also add that I am on my own. This could have a lot to do with my dreadful texts yesterday, as I recently ended a relationship after finding out that my ex had been seeing someone else for over four years.
Thank you in advance

Gosh. I feel for you as you have clearly invested so much of yourself in your son and he is now moving away. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job and that he loves you dearly.

However you MUST take a step back. Sending long tearful texts is dysfunctional and stifling. It sounds like he is making a great life for himself, be happy for him and be a supportive and loving part of it!

Do you do anything for you? Do you have good friends to talk to?

The reality is that you need him more than he needs you, however he will want you and love you. It is a very difficult shift when they make their own decisions and suddenly you are not the one they turn to for advice or support because they have someone else to do it with, however to do that you must have given him solid foundations. I fully understand where you are coming from as my ds21 is now forging his own life and I am part of it but no longer having any say in it which is how it should be. The texts you sent were poorly judged but certainly from a place of love and it will be fixed. Be proud that you have a dc that is independent and in a positive relationship and try and begin to fill your life with things that bring you happiness. It’s the next stage for both you and it can be good.

He is not a child. He is an adult man and a healthy relationship between a man and his mother isn't about telling each other every detail of each others lives. If he doesn't want to tell you something, you must respect that!
Him moving out will be a blessing. He likely will take a step back from your relationship, that's completely normal and healthy. He needs to build his own life, it sounds like you need to start building your life up again as well. Get some hobbies, strengthen your own relationships.

@mumonthehill

The reality is that you need him more than he needs you, however he will want you and love you. It is a very difficult shift when they make their own decisions and suddenly you are not the one they turn to for advice or support because they have someone else to do it with, however to do that you must have given him solid foundations. I fully understand where you are coming from as my ds21 is now forging his own life and I am part of it but no longer having any say in it which is how it should be. The texts you sent were poorly judged but certainly from a place of love and it will be fixed. Be proud that you have a dc that is independent and in a positive relationship and try and begin to fill your life with things that bring you happiness. It’s the next stage for both you and it can be good.

Absolutely this, great post.

But you are standing on the shoreline watching him sail away. That's your job as a parent and you've achieved it. Congratulations, you did an amazing job!

In case that's reading as snarky, it isn't - this is the natural order of things. But given you've just had a break up, it's all maybe feeling a bit too much and I get that. However, you have to reframe this. Think of it as a positive move. Don't be jealous of his gf's family - that way madness lies - or at least, don't show it. Be excited for them! Then get excited for yourself and crack on with your life.

hi @Hoolihan. Yes, I do on both counts. My days are pretty full on (the evenings not so). I have two or three really good friends who have sons exactly the same age (all at uni - so not at home), and other friends, hobbies, clubs that I attend. I think your first sentence is really important. I have invested so much of myself in him, and now I feel devoid of a purpose. I am happy that he is making a life for himself (I really am, and relieved too) but heck, this has come too soon and too fast for me. But perhaps that says more about me than him. However, the way that he is showing me that I am moving towards the periphery has been very hurtful. I genuinely don’t think that I will see much of him when he goes. His girlfriends family is large, and very full on. I’m a wallflower by comparison. Interestingly though, she has said that she likes staying at my house because it is so quiet and relaxing. But of course, that will stop when they live together. Clearly I am already experiencing empty nest syndrome in anticipation of what is to come. I’ve just read that it hits single parents much harder. Thank you again

V sorry about your relationship that’s ended.

Stop with the expressions of hurt and texts to your DS!

Also stop doing domestic work for him - it’s not ‘helping’ him to ‘keep his room welcoming’ and do his ironing for him, quite the opposite! Adults need to be capable of working hard and doing their own domestic work.

Presumably - if your DS’s girlfriend’s relatives are sensible - any property that’s purchased will be your son’s girlfriend’s (or her family’s) and not his, so he won’t have housing security. They would both be sensible to get a legal agreement in advance, eg about money he contributes towards it.

It's not about how much you do for him, he has not taken you for granted you have said that he had always been appreciative of what you have done for him.

You have to let him go. Our jobs as parents is to raise our children to live independent and capable of supporting themselves. You have done this with your son and he is ready to go. Let him go gracefully. You have apologised for your texts, stop texting him whilst he is away.

As the daughter of a mother who raised me to be independent and then couldn't let me go, I cannot tell you how invasive that relationship is. I have as little contact ad I can get away with because of it, she has literally driven me away because of it. She uses the "poor me" school of thought and it drives me insane.

Let your son get on with his life and you get on with yours. Next time you see you son in person, apologise sincerely and then leave it be. I do understand how hard it is, I have an 18 year old with his first serious girlfriend, it can be difficult not being the 1st woman in his life anymore, but this is all normal and natural and it is not a competition. You will always be his mum, but your role is different now.

Look after yourself and find some outside interests to occupy your time.

You need to step back. Being needed so intensely by his DM probably feels very stifling for your son now. Yes, you help too much - it's past time for a 20yo man to sort his own space out and it's healthy for him to move away from you and start establishing a more independent life. I doubt his 24yo girlfriend is much impressed by Mummy still running round after him either.

You need to build up your own life so that you don't depend on him emotionally so much. Otherwise he will continue to pull away, because he'll be desperate for air and space.

Thank you @mumonthehill, your first sentence is also correct. I am big enough to admit it. @MaChienEstUnDick, you are right also, I am certainly feeling overwhelmed by these two things coming all at once.

I think it’s the emotional side of it that’s troubling me. Not the ‘filling my day’ bit. I do have one friend who went through the same thing with her daughter (who was 18 at the time). Unfortunately, she rarely visits her mum, who initially broke down in tears with me. Two years on, she has resigned to the fact that the boyfriend replaced her, and my friend has got on with her life. It’s sad to see though, because my friend took it badly, and the dad was heartbroken. They do have another child at home though.

I think this is quite common, and often why the mothers of sons try to latch onto daughter in laws as they’re generally better at keeping in touch (I know this isn’t always the case). You’ve done a great job and it wasn’t fair of him to speak to you that way - it’s probably born of guilt.

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it, because it has stopped me from doing the text thing for sure. @Loopytiles, that’s very good financial advice. Thank you. @Harpydragon, your honesty about your mum has literally made me step on the brake with immediate effect. @GregBrawlsInDogJail, your reply made me smile. The truth is that his girlfriends mum does much more for her than I do for my son. Even I was shocked when I found out that she has her ironing done for her at 24. My son does know how to iron .. I did teach him, but I’ve always said that I’m happy to do it, so that is my fault, I know.
It’s definitely the emotional side of it that I’m struggling with. Some of you have suggested that, and you are right. I just wasn’t prepared for it. What am I like, eh.

I think I would tell him (in person) that his girlfriend was embarrassed on his behalf when he spoke to you so rudely. If she's any sense she'd realise that if he speaks to his own mum like that, he could speak to her like that.

It's always hard when they leave, but his girlfriend is lovely and enjoys coming to your house - that is really great.

I think it's unhealthy to talk about romantic partners "replacing" mothers - the relationships are (or are certainly meant to be) completely different. Every adult needs to be independent of their parents, whether they have a partner or not.

@Hoolihan

Gosh. I feel for you as you have clearly invested so much of yourself in your son and he is now moving away. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job and that he loves you dearly.

However you MUST take a step back. Sending long tearful texts is dysfunctional and stifling. It sounds like he is making a great life for himself, be happy for him and be a supportive and loving part of it!

Do you do anything for you? Do you have good friends to talk to?

I think this advice is spot on!

It must be so difficult to make this sudden transition op and your hurt is palpable through your posts but you absolutely must take a big step back or you are in danger of destroying your relationship. Apologies if that sounds over-dramatic, but I have seen four or five relationships where over-bearing mothers have caused untold damage to their DC and their relationships.

This transition was always going to happen but it's happening much sooner than you imagined and you are not prepared for it. So maybe do something like go away, go to see a friend, talk it out. Mark the end of an era in some way, even if it's just a walk on a beach. Write your feelings down. Write a letter to him and burn it.

Be supportive of him and his gf. Don't always be so available to him. Have other plans. Perhaps put some of the energy you used to put in to him and put it in to some voluntary role with young people. Let him see you happy for him and engaged elsewhere.

You hint that with your DS going, you will be left in financial difficulty. Sorry if I have this wrong. It's not his fault that you didn't ask for enough money from him previously, so you cannot really lay that on him now. And as for comparing yourself financially to this other family, hold your head up high op. You have raised your son alone and you have to cut your coat to suit your cloth. There is nothing wrong in that or anything to be ashamed of . Be proud that you have raised him to be independent and wanting to be his own man.

At the same time, your son is very young to be moving in permanently with his gf. This relationship may or may not work but you have to take a big step back now so that you can be there for him in the future and try and come to terms with the fact that it won't ever be in the same way as it was before. Good luck.

You sound lovely OP. You remind me very much of my own mum. I mean this kindly, it really is best you take a step back. My mum was the nicest person in the world but she was overly invested in my life, it became a burden and I did push back. I was short with her, grumpy etc because it was too much for me. I wanted to be able to bring her close when I wanted her not to have her always there. It was very
confusing for me because she was so lovely but I felt so angry and had no idea why. I was her support and at times it felt like she wasn't mine even though she would have loved to have been because it felt like her worries and needs were much bigger than mine.

This is a transitional period. He isn't choosing anyone else over you, he's just moving through life. It's sad but things are changing and not necessarily for the worse.

Young people this age are often selfish and inconsiderate, they think they are adults but their brain is not fully developed. They do come back, give it a couple of years, they become quite human again. Be glad they are independent, they still need you but in a different way

I'm sorry OP

It sounds like you've been so supportive and loving

Try to let him get on with it and step back. Don't do his laundry or clean up after him

He should have paid you some rent.

Good advice on this thread.

My DS is a few years younger but, whenever I find myself feeling awful about him becoming independent and no longer needing me, I try to remind myself of the alternative- a situation where he was still completely dependent, didn’t have anything going on in his life and had to rely on his mum for company. I know that’s absolutely not what I want for him and so his growing independence is to be celebrated, even though it doesn’t always feel like that.

In the kindest possible way, you are behaving like a twenty year old in a house-share who has been nurturing a long-term crush on their housemate and is now devastated that they have got themselves a girlfriend from elsewhere.

It sounds as if your son is behaving totally normally - he isn't actually rejecting you, he is just moving to the standard, still warm, behaviour of adult life independent of his mother and which will include having his girlfriend as his primary family unit, not you. That is what is supposed to happen.

Are you perhaps still processing your own romantic breakup and now (understandably) transferring fear of rejection/abandonment/being left alone from that betrayal onto your DS as well? Because he isn't cheating on you by loving another woman and leaving your side for hers.

Thank you @AfraidToRun. As with a previous poster, your post has had the same effect on me. @Obelisk, I agree with you. I have another friend whose son is still with her at 29. He works full time and could move out if he wanted to. He still goes clubbing and comes home wasted. I definitely wouldn’t want that. I think she worries about his future.

I am glad that I posted. He has said many times, that without my support and guidance, he would not have got to the position that he is at now (he didn’t go to Uni by choice, but instead worked his way up with vocational qualifications and experience). I provided the groundwork, he says, and he built on that, and by himself. That is true, and I am very, very proud of him. I think also, that I have been a tad self-centred recently. It was based on fear, and was wrong to do that. Thank you all for making me see sense.

The problem is, is that if you carry on as you are you will put more distance between you.

Hence him snapping about work. My mum was like this with my brother. When she realised and backed off, they got closer. She died recently and dbro is so grateful she gave him the space him and his, now, wife needed. He is glad they became close again. The teary and emotional texts just make people retreat more.

ODFO BestZebbie, it's nothing comparable to a flat share crush (in any way) - And in the kindest possible way how about you not to be so unkind to the OP?

Sorry if I offend, but you are absolutely suffocating him.
Also, because you are a single parent, you have invested everything in him singlehandedly, and don;t have that shared experience with his father/your husband, so you could now let him go and concentrate on moving on as a couple. You need far more in your life than hovering over this adult.
My advice, if you are not taking board money, is to stop babying him and doing ironing etc. You are spoiling him.

I would back right off, and for goodness sake, no "teary texts" - you will drive him away with that desperate unhinged behaviour.

Firstly, sorry you've had a tough time. This will blow over but you NEED to start behaving as the mother of an adult child.

STOP doing his ironing, this is ridiculous and will become a bone of contention.

Using unhelpful phrases in an apology for your emotional outburst, 'putting on big girl pants' is firstly an unhelpful imagery, secondly it infers you are still wounded which is another way of saying its his fault.
He is not your emotional support person, you need to take control and stop burdening him with your fearful emotions. This will get old, quickly.

He is obviously very protective of you and doesn't want to upset you. He possibly didn't tell you about the flat because of trying to protect your feelings.

Maybe he doesn't really want to take this step with the older GF? Who told you about it, him or them...

You can take control by changing the dynamic, make light of it and have a laugh with him. Say, 'silly me being all tearful, you're an adult after all but I still love my boy' and move on. You want him to be able to confide in you. 20 is young, it's likely this relationship isn't forever, but you are. Be confident in this knowledge and be the 1 woman he can always go to.

It's very hard to cut the cord! I struggled massively and bit my DS head off then spent days feeling guilty. He didn't ever dwell on it, life is exciting at their age and they don't think it all through. Just be the immovable non iring force but don't enable
Co-dependency. You'll start to enjoy life in a new way, I'm sorry you had a duplicitous liar in your life, it's very good news he's gone.