I’ve messed up - mum/ adult son relationship - fear I’m losing him

[Seagulls1965]

Hi all, I wasn’t sure if I should post this under relationships or parenting. But seeing as it’s about my son and me, I’ve gone for this one. I will say straightaway that some (maybe quite a bit) of this problem is down to me, so I am asking for advice to move forward constructively.

My son is 20 (by a few days). He is in a serious relationship (about 6 months). His girlfriend is 4 years older. Both are working, and live at their respective parental homes. My son and I have always been very close (just me and him for much of his life). He has written lovely Mother’s Day, birthday cards, saying that he appreciates what I have done for him, that I have enabled him to grow, and that I have always been there for him, fighting his corner. He is very well respected in our community, and I am very proud of him. His girlfriend is also respectable and a hard worker.
We have never had much spare money, and whilst I took him to all kinds of places (which he is now returning to with his girlfriend - a huge compliment I feel), I am not, and never was, in the financial and spending league of his girlfriends family. I was worried about this, because he has good values. Not surprisingly though, he finds their cars, houses, income, spending patterns impressive. I found out, by chance, that they are later planning to move in together, and nearer to her home, but that much of the property will be financed by his girlfriends family. In some ways I am grateful - we all know that flats etc are priced beyond the means of most young peoples income. However, his girlfriends parents knew about this much sooner than I found out. That hurt me.
I’m losing him, I know that I am. Yesterday, I asked him a question about his work and was met with rudeness. It’s none of your business, he abruptly said, infront of his girlfriend. She was embarrassed to give her credit. But he is ok with me being involved in other things - for example I have always enjoyed doing his ironing, and keeping his room welcoming (he does thank me a lot for that support as he works really long hours and I’m retired now). I have not taken any money from him as I know that he is saving for the future, that was a mistake on my part maybe.
But there’s been a shift in the sand. And it’s come quite suddenly. I have not helped. Since the rudeness yesterday I haven’t seen him as they are away. But I’ve sent various long tearful texts, saying how hurt and sad I am. That was wrong, yes I know that, but I was embarrassed and hurt. Not surprisingly, he hasn’t replied. However, this morning I did send a short text to say that whilst I am still hurt and sad, I have put on my ‘big girl pants’ today and that I will be fine. I’ve wished them a lovely day. I didn’t say anything, but I know that I need to stop doing so much for him and that some things need to change. I saw it as being supportive, but clearly it is seen as interference now. One or two friends have jokingly said that I help him too much. I admit that.
Please help me to work out what to do. I don’t want to lose him completely, but I feel that I am standing on the shoreline, sadly watching him swim away, hand in hand, to the other side, where his girlfriends family is waiting, with happy faces. I admit that if he was going to move to somewhere more local, I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as bad about it . I should also add that I am on my own. This could have a lot to do with my dreadful texts yesterday, as I recently ended a relationship after finding out that my ex had been seeing someone else for over four years.
Thank you in advance

I am not, and never was, in the financial and spending league of his girlfriends family. I was worried about this, because he has good values.

What does this mean?

Oh OP I wish I could give you a hug! You sound like a brilliant mum. You’re not losing him, he’s just going out into the world to become the person you raised him to be. Well done you!

I have a 3 year old little boy and his dad (my partner) moved from Scotland to Australia where he met me and now lives permanently. My son is barely out of nappies and I’m already dreading history repeating itself but with my son moving away from his mum like my partner did from his. But I guess you just have to let them discover their own path and hopefully one day they’ll make their way back to you.

You sound like you have a good kid there. I bet he snapped at you the other day out of a bit of guilt related to moving out, not because your relationship has changed. Give yourself more credit than that. Maybe take a step back and just enjoy this new chapter. Good luck x

@inventinglouise

I think it's unhealthy to talk about romantic partners "replacing" mothers - the relationships are (or are certainly meant to be) completely different. Every adult needs to be independent of their parents, whether they have a partner or not.

^^ Excellent post

You know how you initially walk with them holding hands and then they eventually walk next to you then walk without you there? He is moving forward with his life confidently because you've provided the training wheels.

You see posts by women (and women who have partners) who haven't reached the stage that your son is at. They have to check each decision with their parents and often chose their advice over what they think is right because they don't have the confidence to trust their own judgement even if they are adults. Sometimes you have to let them make mistakes or learn from their mistakes to become stronger people. You need to trust in the process that he'll get to where you are

OP You sound like a really caring mum. You have raised your son well and done a great job of it. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Stop thinking you are not important in his life any more because of his new in laws wealth, and for goodness' sake - STOP doing his fecking ironing.
In fact stop ironing full stop. It is not necessary any more especially given the price of electricity.
Do not send him texts because it will annoy and possibly even upset him. Just be there. You are a special person in your own right, and your role in life is not simply that of being his mother.

I do feel for you as he’s obviously been the main focus of your life for so many years but also for him as you do come across as very stifling and emotionally dependant on him. Yes he was rude but perhaps he does feel resentment for this? Try and take a step back and get yourself some hobbies/friends etc and try and be happy for him creating his own life now. It sounds like he he does love you but your current approach will drive him away more than anything

Same as @ancientgran single mum to three adult sons you have to let them go with a smile on your face (even if your💔) and they will come back to you....... the opposite pushes them away. I learnt very early on that they don't like you asking them questions/interrogating them even about very unimportant things so I waited for any information that they want to give. I don't think it's particularly bad to do practical things for them (I have one son that comes to my house at least 6 times a week to be fed and he's in his 30s😂 just hates cooking and another that lives with me but I'm sure this wouldn't happen if they were in a relationship). I can see work colleagues think this is a strange arrangement but it suits them (and I'm under no illusions saves them a lot of money🤑) I don't put any pressure on them whatsoever, if they want to talk about something I'm there, if they want to sit in front of the computer and just eat that's fine by me🤷 they know I would do anything for them but I don't give them the impression that I need anything from them. Whether that's right or not I don't know but I had a very needy mother and have bent over backwards to be nothing like her........... My reward is all three (even one who lives abroad) come to me for christmas😜 but if they ever don't because they are in a relationship I will not show them that it makes me sad! 💐

I had this with my DS. In my case we could see that she was wrong for him, and was pulling him into her family. She turned him against us. In the end we had to let go as he wouldn’t listen and it was helping her.
Thankfully he split with her and came back.
He can now see what she did, and actively looks for it in new relationships.

What you do next is really important. When you see him next make it clear you've had some time to think and you've identified some great things you're looking forward to doing with your free time and empty house. Relieve him of that guilt and obligation and you will see him relax and come back to you. If you carry on like this he'll just start avoiding you.

I also think the bit about in laws and their money is a red herring and makes no difference whatsoever.

Thanks all. I’m signing off now as the purpose of this post was gratefully addressed several hours ago. @Mossstitch you’ve written some wise words there. This was my first post, and Im glad that I did it. Those of you who have posted before - is there a trend for some late posters to not read the whole thread (or even some of it) before posting? I’m still being advised to get some hobbies / friends … but info about all that is throughout the thread … Have a lovely afternoon everyone!

I think he sounds like he was rude. Is the flat the are moving into financed by his girl friends family a purchase that they are making solely for her or is it a rental they are helping with?

Ps. @GeneLovesJezebel, @Besttobe8001. Your replies came in as I was writing mine. Thank you for your advice, and am glad @GeneLoves Jezebel that things worked out for your son.

Lots of love OP, I had a similar thing happen in my life except I was the DD. My mum taught me to be independent and encouraged me to fly, but there were teething issues when I did. We have gone on to have the most lovely, respectful and greatest relationship ever. I live 200 miles away from her but we have an amazing relationship and are in touch nearly every day. I always know she has my back and me hers.

@MossyBottom

Mother of two adult sons here. It's hard to let go. Hard for everyone but you have had the "just the two of us" thing and that makes it worse. He's ready to take the next step, he has met a lovely girl, things could be so much worse. Yet that doesn't help.

I'm guessing he didn't go to uni? For me that was brutal but it breaks you in gently. They go away, come back, go away again and so on for three years. It's hard every time but it gets a little easier.
Both of mine lived at home again after uni for a year. Then the youngest came back recently for 6 months. Lockdowns had not been kind to him and it was an unexpected bonus to have him home for a while.
I think it's very important to hide the way you feel, wave them off with a smile, help and advise when asked, and by all means make a fuss when they visit home.
Chatty messages are fine but I think you now know that emotional, needy stuff is a big no.

Be enthusiastic about his move and try not to see it as the end, just a new phase of your relationship.

Posting from a similar place as above.

I do feel for you OP.
I felt absolutely bereft and cried on and off for several weeks when a DC left home.
It helped when I used to ask myself what would I do if they didn't develop and grow, if they were stuck in dependency and couldn't leave home, would I want that? No I wouldn't and it really helped to remind myself that.
I have a DC working abroad - don't know when or if they will return- and that was also a difficult parting but again, asking the same question helped. Zooms help, What's Apping pictures helps. They are not gone forever, we keep in touch.
You say that friends have commented that you do too much for him, and that's not surprising when you've lived together but perhaps the rude response he gave is because he's had his friends going on at him as well about still living at home (perfectly understandable when housing costs are so high)
You mention that the GF's family are well off but you've supported your son during the difficult years of early and often less well paid employment, presumably that's given him a bit of freedom to choose his way through the job market and to save a bit.
You said you liked his girlfriend... but one comment stood out
I’m losing him, I know that I am

you are NOT losing him.
He's not going to say, "I've got GF's family now I can dispense with my DM". He will always be your son and You will always be his mum. His GF family will not replace you.
He's just in another town.. it's not an overwhelming distance.

What is hard is filling the gap he has left and this may seem daunting but you will get there. You'll also see him. After a while it will seem normal. You are both lucky that you had all that time and all that love together as he grew up, and the fact that he's able to form good relationships is a credit to you.
This is a natural part of life and you can be glad that he's moving forward with his. It is a big change and its not an easy one but imagine if you were still ironing his shirts at 30. You wouldn't want him to be so dependent for his own good. Let him go and be himself guilt free, celebrate the fact that he is mature enough to do that. Now you have time to focus on things you want to do and enjoy your life.

@Seagulls1965

Urgh your son and his gf sound very pampered and spoilt. The ironing thing is embarrassing.

He was very rude to you.

You need to take a step back from it all and start concentrating on you and investing in yourself now…you deserve it!

Ah I feel for you @Seagulls1965 I have had all three of mine go and the youngest is the hardest because you are on your own.

You know it's not healthy to cling but it can be so hard when they have become your normal and stability is being their Mum.

Be kind to yourself, accept there will be low days as you get used to the transition - but above all don't transfer your difficulties to being their problem or issue - they are your own to feel and resolve. And you will. Like all of life's changes, it takes time to get used to. But I promise you, you will get used to it and be and feel fine.

Lean on your friends a bit, I'm sure they'll understand. Keep busy and have something planned in the diary with your son in a few weeks' time to look forward to.

PS they definitely come back if you let them go graciously.

I feel for you.
I'm in that stage with all of mine. Their partners families seem to have more of them at times. Definitely my ds whose gf actively puts obstacles down to stop him attending family occasions (can't travel that far although go further for her family, can't eat out although eat out with her family, can only come over for 2hours a month but spend a weekend with her family).
I'm trying hard to be there when they need me and not take it personally the rest of the time and I try not to let them see how hurt I am.
I hope it will pass

I could have written your post OP.

My DS has been moving at an ultrafast pace with his now wife, including a move to be nearer her family v soon, and I've been feeling absolutely bereft and lost.

He also didn't tell me something really important a few weeks ago, when I am used to us sharing pretty much everything. I was really hurt (although he doesn't know it).

I feel like I've lost/am losing my son and have completely lost my purpose in life. Everything feels really pointless (I'm sure perimenopause isn't helping with that).

It's not helping that I have tried to make big efforts with his wife to get to know her and make her feel part of our family too but am getting nothing back from her at all. I feel like she's taking him away from his family and just incorporating him into hers.

I don't really know how to reframe our relationship. It feels at the moment very one sided with me putting in loads of effort and getting very little back. So I've stepped right back, partly out of self preservation, but am worried he'll feel like I don't care at all and just drift further away.

No-one tells you about this when you have children! You raise them, love them, give everything up for them, then they fuck off altogether without even a wave goodbye! I was expecting independence and a change of course but always thought our fundamental closeness would be the same; this feels like I'm no longer his Mum and not needed at all. Like there's no longer any place for me in his life at all.

I am hoping that things will settle and a new relationship will work itself out but it doesn't feel like that at all at the moment. Just feels like a bereavement or break up, a loss.

It probably doesn't help that like you, he's my only one, and although his Dad was very involved, we weren't together for most of his life and DS and I were very close. I feel like if I had another child or two this wouldn't feel so intense but I am not sure that's true.

Anyway thanks for posting it really helps to feel that others are going through this. It doesn't seem to be talked about a lot but I do have one friend irl who's also going through it so we aren't alone.

I do think the posters who haven't been through this probably have no idea what this is like. I know I wouldn't have appreciated or understood this until I'd been through it. Similar to lots of parenting stages I suppose!! You don't get the sleepless nights thing either until you've done it!

@cocktailclub

I feel for you. I'm in that stage with all of mine. Their partners families seem to have more of them at times. Definitely my ds whose gf actively puts obstacles down to stop him attending family occasions (can't travel that far although go further for her family, can't eat out although eat out with her family, can only come over for 2hours a month but spend a weekend with her family). I'm trying hard to be there when they need me and not take it personally the rest of the time and I try not to let them see how hurt I am. I hope it will pass

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through that. That is my fear of where we could end up. It's so so hurtful. But it feels as we aren't allowed to have (and certainly not express) any feelings about it.

Lots of great advice here

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I'm dreading this stage with my children but obviously there comes a time when they move on and are less involved with their mum. I fear I'm not going to be very good letting go but I know I will have to at some point.

I think your main fear is what will you do to fill the time. It's very bad timing that your relationship with your now ex has just ended. You are understandably feeling a little lost right now.

My only suggestion is to now take a step back and think about what you want and the people you want around you going forward. It's time to focus on your own wants for once.

Do you have any interests you would like to pursue? Sports, crafts, gardening, cookery, reading, volunteering, walking? Anything that takes your fancy - there is probably a group or club you can join. Start to build your future social network doing things you enjoy and although I'm sure you'll stay close to your son, he will just be part of your life nit the main focus.

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