I’ve messed up - mum/ adult son relationship - fear I’m losing him

[Seagulls1965]

Hi all, I wasn’t sure if I should post this under relationships or parenting. But seeing as it’s about my son and me, I’ve gone for this one. I will say straightaway that some (maybe quite a bit) of this problem is down to me, so I am asking for advice to move forward constructively.

My son is 20 (by a few days). He is in a serious relationship (about 6 months). His girlfriend is 4 years older. Both are working, and live at their respective parental homes. My son and I have always been very close (just me and him for much of his life). He has written lovely Mother’s Day, birthday cards, saying that he appreciates what I have done for him, that I have enabled him to grow, and that I have always been there for him, fighting his corner. He is very well respected in our community, and I am very proud of him. His girlfriend is also respectable and a hard worker.
We have never had much spare money, and whilst I took him to all kinds of places (which he is now returning to with his girlfriend - a huge compliment I feel), I am not, and never was, in the financial and spending league of his girlfriends family. I was worried about this, because he has good values. Not surprisingly though, he finds their cars, houses, income, spending patterns impressive. I found out, by chance, that they are later planning to move in together, and nearer to her home, but that much of the property will be financed by his girlfriends family. In some ways I am grateful - we all know that flats etc are priced beyond the means of most young peoples income. However, his girlfriends parents knew about this much sooner than I found out. That hurt me.
I’m losing him, I know that I am. Yesterday, I asked him a question about his work and was met with rudeness. It’s none of your business, he abruptly said, infront of his girlfriend. She was embarrassed to give her credit. But he is ok with me being involved in other things - for example I have always enjoyed doing his ironing, and keeping his room welcoming (he does thank me a lot for that support as he works really long hours and I’m retired now). I have not taken any money from him as I know that he is saving for the future, that was a mistake on my part maybe.
But there’s been a shift in the sand. And it’s come quite suddenly. I have not helped. Since the rudeness yesterday I haven’t seen him as they are away. But I’ve sent various long tearful texts, saying how hurt and sad I am. That was wrong, yes I know that, but I was embarrassed and hurt. Not surprisingly, he hasn’t replied. However, this morning I did send a short text to say that whilst I am still hurt and sad, I have put on my ‘big girl pants’ today and that I will be fine. I’ve wished them a lovely day. I didn’t say anything, but I know that I need to stop doing so much for him and that some things need to change. I saw it as being supportive, but clearly it is seen as interference now. One or two friends have jokingly said that I help him too much. I admit that.
Please help me to work out what to do. I don’t want to lose him completely, but I feel that I am standing on the shoreline, sadly watching him swim away, hand in hand, to the other side, where his girlfriends family is waiting, with happy faces. I admit that if he was going to move to somewhere more local, I wouldn’t feel anywhere near as bad about it . I should also add that I am on my own. This could have a lot to do with my dreadful texts yesterday, as I recently ended a relationship after finding out that my ex had been seeing someone else for over four years.
Thank you in advance

Has anyone RTFT?? OP has addressed most of this.

I do feel for you OP. You have invested your whole life in your son but for that he does appear to be grateful... You have said as much. It sounds like he is doing very well for himself and you should recognise that that is a testament to you and your parenting ❤️

I feel a pang of sadness in my heart because, whilst he is "supposed" to leave the nest and do these things, it will be a big change in your life. You just need to give yourself time to adjust and sit back and observe how well you have done in raising him by yourself.

This situation sounds quite similar to mine, I was raised soley by my mum and have been incredibly close to her my whole life. She definitely did (and still does) far too much for me and I am 30 years old. Despite the fact we have lived separately for 7 years, I only live 5 houses away from her and see her daily.
Now that I am pregnant, I am moving to a bigger house which is about a 15minute car journey away. I can see this has unsettled her and she feels as though she is losing me. She isn't of course, she will always be dear to my heart, but there is no doubt that the demands of my own life are about to ensure that I see her less.
I do not think any less of her or love her any less, it has been her exceptional love and support that has got me to the incredible position I am in today and I will always be grateful for that.

My advice would be to keep in touch, perhaps don't expect daily contact, and keep up offers to have them over for dinner or invite them to lunch/dinner out.

Something to consider is, would you feel any better if he said he felt guilty about leaving you and called his relationship/potential move off? Because I know my mother would crumble at the thought that she was holding me back from living my own life ❤️

What was the question you asked about his work?

Would you consider finding a decent therapist to help support you and navigate through this shift in dynamics?

You are not losing him, but you will if you carry on clinging onto him for dear life and making your entire life about him. The point of having children is to let them grew up to be successful independent adults.
He’s seen how others live and is finding you keep his room clean and tidied maybe over bearing hence his reactions to other things.

The “woe is me texts” will just feed into that sadly.
Friends I’ve seen with the best relationship with adult parents are the ones who’s parents let them be independent and come to them as equals and friends. The ones who lose them are the ones who cling and say they can’t move abroad/away/love their lives have to report their elders and all that bullshit

Well done OP for recognising what you have to do. You've done an amazing job bringing up your son single-handedly and obviously have a good relationship with him.

Many of us have been through what you're going through at the moment, and to be honest there's little choice in what to do. We all have to let them go, let them make their own decisions/mistakes and always be there at the end of a phone or in person when needed. And for sure, that day will come for you too. At the moment he's striking out on his own, and possibly actually feels a bit guilty about leaving home. You must be the best actress you can be so that he doesn't feel like that.

In many ways looking back on my own experiences with my daughter I now see the years between say 18 and 30 as 'transition' years for them. They're finding out who they are and forging their way independently (or trying to) in the world.

Try not to fret and worry, you'll always be 'Mum'. The fact that his girlfriend's family have money is not relevant, you are just as good as they are. She does sound a nice girl too, for which you can be thankful.I would now put it all on the backburner and try to focus on other things. I'm sure it will resolve itself. You've definitely not lost him.

As mentioned before, many thanks to the mums, and the adult children of mums who wrote honest, but supportive and constructive responses. I am very grateful, and the job has been done. A couple of later responses have missed the point that others picked up on … rather than hover over him and that I am unhinged @Dancer47, and crush on him @BestZebbie, I have enabled him (by his own admission) to become independent. Several posters have recognised that him moving away has simply come much sooner than I was prepared for. I have already written that my days are very busy, and have also said that if it was not for the geographical distance involved, that I would not be anywhere near as upset than I am.
None of us know what is around the corner, I hope that if called on, I would try to be as supportive and kind as the majority have been here.

Hi OP I feel for you as I am in a similar situation with my dd20. She has left home in a chaotic, dramatic and hurtful way with lots of harsh words on her behalf. I have had to stand back and am slowly learning not to react to her frequent pleas for help whilst telling me she wants to be independent and do it on her own.

I miss her desperately but recognise that our house is so much calmer and tidier! I'm hoping we get to a place where she wants to visit for meals and at key times, Christmas etc.

However what I am starting to do is find me again, the person who is not identified solely as mum and I'm enjoying it! I hope you find that space for yourself soon xx

I have 3 adult sons and I think you have to let them go, cheerfully and positively and then they tend to come back. If you hold on tight all they can do is stay childlike or pull away. Then you get into a horrible situation of holding tighter and tighter and them pulling away harder and harder.

It must be hard when you only have one and are a single parent, by the time No 3 was moving out I was busy doing childcare with GC (I've got six of them.) My need to "be mum" was fulfilled (and more) so it was easier for me. I don't underestimate how hard it must be for you but at the end of the day that is your issue not his.

I don't think he was polite and he shouldn't have been like that but on the other hand do you ask lots of questions? Is he feeling a bit overwhelmed?

It is tough but keep busy, no teary texts, and make time at home stressfree for everyone. No guilt trips, no clinging. You've done your job as a mum up to now, the next step is letting go.

Good luck.

I can't wait for my kids to move out and move on.

I intend to move to the Outer Hebrides, buy a small house and fill it with dogs. Then spend my days walking the dogs, drinking tea by a fire and speaking to no one. Bliss

Do you have any hopes for your child-free future OP?

@confusedttraveller

What was the question you asked about his work?

I wondered that.

He might have been truthful in saying that it isn't Op's business!

Generally though people do try to say it more tactfully than that!

Thank you @Jakadaal, for your reply. @ancientgran (love that name!), I think you are right in that he could be feeling overwhelmed as he will be starting a new job soon. Thank you so much for showing me that there could be a wider picture here. @Hope90x, I would be horrified, and would encourage him to follow his original plans. @FATEdestiny, now … there’s a thought. I really don’t know, I haven’t given it much thought, as I recently started a new volunteering role. But I should think about it, and I will. Thank you for that.

OP, you sound like a great mum with a wonderful DS. Be thankful - so many DCs your son's age are struggling.

Your problem now is letting your DS move on. You clearly need him to make your life work more than he needs you to make his life work. He still needs you of course but he can only build his own life if you let him go and focus on building your own. If you cling to him and make emotional demands you are giving him a burden he will naturally want to shake off. You will also be spoiling a wonderful opportunity for him.
Let him take this chance with your blessing, celebrate with him and focus on broadening your own life.

Your childrearing job is done. Congratulations! You will always be mother and son but now us the beginning of a new stage for both of you. I know it's really hard but try to enjoy.

Everything he is doing is completely normal. He is an adult, so of course his parents will become less important. He will move away & have his own home and life - surely that is an indication of successful parenting? The truth is that nobody "belongs" to any of us, so a person is not ours to "lose".

@confusedttraveller, @diddl … I asked him if he was working at the weekend. But @ancientgran has made me think that I may have unwittingly touched a raw nerve. I won’t mention it to him.

Exactly OP. You sound like you have been an incredible Mother and give yourself credit for getting him to where he is today. It will all work out and, give a little adjustment time, I don't think it will be as bad as you think.

Try to take it in your stride and if you have little moments of weakness/panic, try to confide in your friends ❤️ you'll there, he will always love you.

One thing that may help is to stop using the word 'lose'. You are not losing your son, he is still alive and in the world. You are moving from a more child like relationship where he was more dependent on you to an adult relationship. he has told you he appreciates you, so you have a strong foundation for the next phase of your relationship. Telling yourself you are 'losing' him will only ratchet up the emotional temperature and put you into a state where you send unwise texts.

[quote Seagulls1965]**@confusedttraveller, @diddl … I asked him if he was working at the weekend. But @ancientgran has made me think that I may have unwittingly touched a raw nerve. I won’t mention it to him.[/quote]
It does seem that he was rude then!

It could be though that it was one question too many.

I'm dreading my two moving out Op.

My ideal would be a house big enough for them & their partners & any future GC!

I know that that's not realistic though!

To be honest when he was rude I would have addressed it immediately “hey no need to bite my head off! I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that and you know it!”

Then I would have deliberately let it go and acted completely normal next time I saw him.

They can still be cheeky entitled feckers even in their 20s!

Mother of two adult sons here.
It's hard to let go. Hard for everyone but you have had the "just the two of us" thing and that makes it worse.
He's ready to take the next step, he has met a lovely girl, things could be so much worse. Yet that doesn't help.

I'm guessing he didn't go to uni? For me that was brutal but it breaks you in gently. They go away, come back, go away again and so on for three years. It's hard every time but it gets a little easier.
Both of mine lived at home again after uni for a year. Then the youngest came back recently for 6 months. Lockdowns had not been kind to him and it was an unexpected bonus to have him home for a while.
I think it's very important to hide the way you feel, wave them off with a smile, help and advise when asked, and by all means make a fuss when they visit home.
Chatty messages are fine but I think you now know that emotional, needy stuff is a big no.

Be enthusiastic about his move and try not to see it as the end, just a new phase of your relationship.

@inventinglouise

I think it's unhealthy to talk about romantic partners "replacing" mothers - the relationships are (or are certainly meant to be) completely different. Every adult needs to be independent of their parents, whether they have a partner or not.

Absolutely this. I have a sibling (41) still living at home with his mother (76). That's a real travesty - not OP's situation.

OP a sure-fire way to put distance between you and your son is to stifle him. Time to fight against the way you've always done things and make a big effort to be more accepting of his adult life.

You bring them up to set them free. And the old saying 'a son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life' is often true I think. Please don't cling on to him. You've done a good job bringing him up, let him spread his wings and go. Fgs stop the texts. Think of this as your time now. Maybe get a pt job or volunteer, concentrate on keeping busy.

He’s an adult making his own life in his world he’ll always be your son but if you carry on with this woe or me you’ll lose him. E happy for him, tell him your happy he’s moving in with a lovely person. Let me know if you need anything. Then get on with your life

You've had some great advice.

My son is a similar age and moved out last year with his gf. It's been hard transitioning to our new relationship but letting go has improved things from the volatile teen years where he was always irritated with me.

I find out his big news after it's happened now but I'm proud that he is confident and independent enough to make choices about his life.

I have to stop myself texting him too much because I don't want to stifle him. Things have changed for you too. Wave him off with a smile on your face and be proud that he has solid foundations for venturing into the world.

@Seagulls1965

When I felt like this, My friend said “ Your son has to snippety snip the apron strings “
It’s true.

My own DS said my neediness stifled him , too.

You sound a great mum, and it is really hard being a single parent .

It’s not at all an uncommon feeling, even in families where there are other DC and a husband still present .

A GP told my friend “ You have to let them go , for them to come back”.

At least emotionally.

Definitely get advice about the house, too.