My fears/concerns about being a parent came true

[maybeimjustlikemymother]

I will preface this by saying I'm not in the best place physically or emotionally. I've been unwell with a chest infection for over three weeks and life feels relentless. I'm self employed so can't take time off without it causing stress.

Basically, I was never sure I wanted to be a mum yet at the same time on some level I knew that I would have a daughter one day and that I would adore her. I have a beautiful two year old girl now and I do adore her!

BUT my hesitations about becoming a parent were for good reason as there are some parts I really struggle with. So although I love my daughter, on some level I feel I shouldn't have made the decision to have a child as I'm not cut out for it.

Working full time in a patient-centred, highly responsible role all week and then being with a two year old most of the weekend is so draining. I get the odd hour or two to myself but it's never enough. I think because I tend to use that time to catch up on work. I am a doctor (won't say more as it may be outing) and I feel frustrated that I can't dedicate the time I would pre-child to my continuing professional development and building my career. I love my work and am passionate about my work/helping my patients. I feel so torn trying to run my business, find time for rest and be a good parent.

I also feel like I need way more time alone to recharge than other mums I know, who seem to relax with their children and find parenting more enjoyable then I do.

I can't say I regret having my daughter but in some ways, knowing my temperament and tendency to be very work/career focused, it was potentially a poor decision to become a parent.

I am able to be present with my daughter and genuinely enjoy time with her and she is thriving but I often feel "done" after a couple of hours on the weekends and wish I could go and focus on work. Obviously I can't because I committed to being a parent and she is in nursery most of the week so I "should" spend most of my time focusing on her on the weekends.

I do have a husband who parents 50/50 and so it's not like I'm a single mum with anything to really complain about.

I made my bed so I'll lie in it. I will do everything I can to make sure my daughter continues to feel loved and happy.

But the consequences are that I feel pretty terrible emotionally at times and feel like I'm existing, not living. Husband told me to take some time as I started crying at the dining table an hour ago at the thought of the day ahead. So I've been sobbing in the bedroom for a while before writing this rambling post.

I know I need to accept my choices and be a grown up for my daughter but how do I get past these feelings?

So sorry you're feeling like this OP. I can relate to so much of it. I'm about to go out so I can't do a long reply but couple of things.
It's really, really OK to feel ok about feeling ambivalent about being a mum/parent. It is extremely hard and demanding no matter how much you love it. Your DD is thriving so you are doing a brilliant job and could probably cut yourself masses of slack.

I think you need some real quality 'you' time. Not parenting and not working. Indulgence of whatever feeds you. Hopefully I'll come back later and expand a bit and also lots of other people will reply. But the essence is you really aren't doing anything wrong or feeling anything wrong.

If you can afford it, I would look for a day time nanny who can work weekends and take a bit of the strain off you.
As a doctor, your workload must be full on, and with a young child you need all the help you can get.

I’m sensing a bit of guilt about the work which inevitably means you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself at the weekend. She’s very little. She just needs to know you’re there so relax with her and around her. Honestly. I tried being the parent that was “on” all the time and it made both of us miserable.

OP it’s absolutely normal to feel how you’re feeling! Parenting is hard bloody work, especially when you have the responsibilities of a full time job to contend with. Don’t feel guilty for admitting that you don’t always enjoy it. Kids don’t need to be entertained or have your undivided attention 24/7. It will do your daughter good to have other people’s company - nursery, a childminder, a daycare setting etc. Then when you’re with her and can afford to give her your 100%, she’ll appreciate it so much more.
I completely sympathise with how you’re feeling.. I say this as a mum of 2 kids under 4 recovering from a chest infection and now Covid Sometimes you just want to switch off and not parent for a while!
Just take the good days and enjoy them and accept that the bad days will pass.

Very honest post OP/ the assumption that being a parent is for every woman is such BS. But I will say whilst it may never be how life was pre children, it gets better- 2 year olds are such hard work. When she’s 3/4/5 and starts being able to
communicate better, focus on tasks better, be more independent you may find it less of a slog.

Has the emotional stuff been recent or have you been feeling this way since way before the chest infection? It's normal to be burnt out or overwhelmed sometimes, but some of your post is sounding like this may be something more.
Have you done the depression screening Qs on yourself? What would you say to a patient who came to you saying what you have written?

How supportive is your DH emotionally, rather than practically?
I'd recommend some talking therapy or meditation, to help with the emotional load.

Can you cut down your hours, to get a better work/life balance? Or as PPs have said, get some practical hired help if you can afford to?

Children are hard work no matter what. I think all parents feel drained by the sheer drudgery day in, day out, especially when they are young. I much preferred my children when they were older and more independent so I could be myself a bit more. Cut yourself some slack. You are doing fine. Try and carve out time for yourself over weekends if possible.

Maybe it’s not the same situation but I will say it anyways.
My mom is a doctor too and needs to be on call almost all the time 24/7. Because of this mostly I was growing up with my grandparents ( single mum, no siblings ).
Only now, the last year or so she admitted that she regretted so many things she missed - school plays etc. She told me that when I had something important at school I never told her anything because according to me “ there is no point, you are always at work anyways”.

It’s hard, very hard to find that fine line between work and family life.

Sorry you feel like this.

Would it be possible to carve out time for yourself in some structured, set way so that you know when exactly you will get a break?

Sorry posted too soon. Also as suggested above decide what priorities are and make sure you make those and that will mean you have no guilt.

We had weekend babysitters, came either 12-4 or 2-6. They baked, did crafts, went to the park, had lunch. If you can afford it do it.

Having young kids is tough! It's not uncommon to feel like you're drowning it's incredibly hard (even if most people won't show or admit that)

Sounds like you need to carve out some time for yourself. Maybe that's childcare, maybe your husband can take your daughter out for a few hours once a week, or it's about cutting back on your work to give yourself some downtime.

If there's any way you can reduce or quit your career to concentrate on being the best mum. Do that. Our children are the most precious thing in the whole world, we never get the time back and they notice our parenting when young. We've been told over the past couple of decades we need careers, but what for? To take us away from parenting? You're a doctor, you're supposed to have it made but you're miserable.

Take action. It's work that has to go, not your one shot at parenting.

@ApolloandDaphne

Children are hard work no matter what. I think all parents feel drained by the sheer drudgery day in, day out, especially when they are young. I much preferred my children when they were older and more independent so I could be myself a bit more. Cut yourself some slack. You are doing fine. Try and carve out time for yourself over weekends if possible.

No it doesn't have to be that way. It's not that way if you have the time and support to just be a mother. We shouldn't be living like this.

Part of it will be her age; children need so much more interaction at her age, and it makes life so much harder.

You’re not alone in feeling like this, though. I’m having a totally rubbish day today, I feel completely mentally worn out and close to tears today. DH does shift work and is tired which makes him less helpful and more snappy. He’s a good husband and a good dad but sometimes I’m just overwhelmed by being constantly “on” - I work f/t and have a 10yo and a 5yo and never get any time really to myself, even though they are great kids and often play by themselves without me.

It’s not wrong to feel how you do. I’ve found over the past decade of parenting it comes in waves, sometimes I’m fine and happy, another time I’m just done in with it all. I feel like I’m not doing my best at work, but equally I’m not doing my best as a parent. Even though I well know that working less would make me less happy as a person, I’m not cut out to be a SAHP.

I don’t know what the answer is other than to just acknowledge the feeling, accept that none of us can be perfect, that some days it’s fine for the kids to watch telly all day while you feel a bit miserable, and try and squeeze in the hugs and the cuddles when you have a moment. Oh, and eat some cake

You’re doing a great job. Be kind to yourself.

Quitting is a bit extreme!

But limiting work to three days a week isn't. Ok the business may grow a little more slowly but that's ok. Employing someone, either in the business, or as a housekeeper so none of your time has to be spent food shopping/gardening/ getting gutters cleaned etc.

And there's nothing wrong with flipping in front of the tv with your kid. And yeah - it's hard work. Dull often. Draining. But eyes on the prize - you do all this because you want to raise her to be a successful happy adult. Remember the hours you spend slaving away over textbooks - same thing. Eyes on the prize. You get through the tedium anyway you can, it does get better and more fun and more fulfilling as they get older I promise. 2 is a spectacularly taxing age...

OP – I could have written this myself. I have a DC who is 4 and is a genuinely wonderful little person but I’ve spent the last 3 years working (also in medical setting, I’m a nurse), studying (to get my master’s degree), trying to get ahead in my career and trying to be ‘present’ as you said with my DC whilst basically dreading our time together because all I wanted was time alone and then feeling guilty and sh** about that.

I’ve actually started counselling and learnt that this is typical parental burnout and also to do with a lot of miserable stories I tell myself about myself, my parenting etc. I had a privileged but also difficult childhood, both my parents were wealthy but had substance abuse problems and also just general MH issues that made childhood a really tense, stressful time and lead to a bunch of misery for me as an adult.

“But the consequences are that I feel pretty terrible emotionally at times and feel like I'm existing, not living. Husband told me to take some time as I started crying at the dining table an hour ago at the thought of the day ahead.”

THIS – Can’t tell you the times I’ve spent sobbing at the prospect of taking my son to the park. It’s so horrible I know –

So here are a few tips that have helped me A LOT.

1. When your brain tells you you’re done after two hours- be done. Go rest without guilt- let her watch some telly or encourage her to play alone without you. Go do something that really fills your cup. I like walking the dog/drinking coffee and eating chocolate in bed on mumsnet (current situation)- whatever. Even watching Bridgerton and folding laundry – sometimes that is what I want and just go DO IT without guilt. I found that if I let myself REST without guilt, it helps a LOT.
2. I have gone part time (32hours) meaning I have a day off when DC is at nursery and I use it to catch on life or something I go to a museum.
3. Ask for CPD time at work- I asked my manager for 2h CPD time in the afternoon at work and she said of course. I know it must be difficult as maybe your management might not be keen but if it’s adding value to you as an employee you can help them see so. It’s REALLY helped me with ‘my career is stalling post baby’ feelings.
4. You don’t have to go to soft play or the play park to be a good parent. I like the river/forest and bring DC and dog there because I like it and I can be more fun and engaged there than softplay which I find disgusting and boring.
5. Parenting podcasts: I really like ‘unruffled’ – it helps me work through my parenting anxieties and it also makes me feel more interesting in the inner workings of my DC’s mind and see my parenthood as a ‘project’ worthy of CPD in itself. Some reason it makes me much more motivated to try out new tricks, activities or theories just like I would be at work after going to a conference for example.
6. Give yourself a break: let yourself drop your kid off at your parents’ or friends house every once in a while so you can have a quiet Saturday afternoon. Let go of the guilt. Once she’s back you’ll be able to more present and patient with her than if she had been there all day. Parenting takes a village – we are all so isolated these days especially after covid. Let your DH take her out every Sunday morning for a couple hours. Make it a regular thing you can rely on so you know you’ll have your itme.
7. If you can get some counselling, it feels amazing to rant/vent and get it all into perspective with an impartial party.

Good luck and rest assured you are not alone!

Does your husband work full-time too?

All the super-career mums I have heard talk about their lives, have a full-time SAHD or a full-time Nanny. They do spend very little time with their children.

And to be honest, the adult children I know who had parents who had no time for them due to work, did not like it.

If your H works full-time to you do need to have conversation with your husband about how you both find time for your child. Maybe one or both of you could go part-time, to get a better work life balance.

In life, alternatives exclude. You do need to make choices. If you want your priority to be your work then your H, in my view, should become the primary parent (that's primary, which is not necessarily the full-time parent).

You can't work full-time, then do CPD, and be top parent and find 'you time'. You are trying to do too much. You need to decide what to focus on and what needs to give.

I’m also struggling with being a parent recently but my dc is 13. I totally enjoyed the younger years (and I honestly mean that), but the teen years are a total turn off. I would love to just not deal with him, just run off and do my stuff. I can’t. I have to ensure he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing, I have to be that taxi service, I have to discipline when it’s required.
It’s draining, very draining. But it’s not forever.

Could you have some PND on top of everything else op? You sound genuinely exhausted and ill. Cut yourself some slack, it's fine to feel however you feel with no guilt. You can't help how you feel. I agree some childcare at the weekend would be great and allow you to continue your cpd and stretch your brain.

*I also feel like I need way more time alone to recharge than other mums I know, who seem to relax with their children and find parenting more enjoyable then I do.

I can't say I regret having my daughter but in some ways, knowing my temperament and tendency to be very work/career focused, it was potentially a poor decision to become a parent.*

But that's okay. I don't believe it was a poor decision. We're not all good at the same bits. I found it got monumentally easier from four up.

Two hours isn't bad anyway! I read something once that said 20 mins of focussed attention is enough to get a kid into an activity so I find it can help to "chunk" it - 20 mins to start with, then she amuses herself for a bit, then later on another 20 mins and you sit with her while doing something of your own. You and DH take turns fielding interruptions. Not everything you do has to be something kids typically like. Going out for lunch or for a coffee, or even dinner can give you a bit of a break, my son loved restaurants from a weirdly young age - there's lots for them to look at.

feel like I'm existing, not living. I sympathise with this so much. I'm in a creative career, not as important objectively, but with a daily practise that very much feels like it makes me who I am. So important to me. I was a SAHM desperately trying to squeeze in moments of work and never being able to focus for long. So much of the time in the first few years I felt like I wasn't really there at all, and like a constant failure. I won't lie, my kid watched (watches) too much TV. But he's a smart, kind, creative six year old, he's okay. Let go of the "should." Two is the absolute trenches for this kind of frustration. It will get better.

Hi OP. I felt this way for a lot of the first two maybe even three years. I loved my work and really missed being able to concentrate on that. I also struggled to know what to 'do' with a young child, and the weekends particular felt very long and like I was failing by not enjoying them.
For me, it's got a lot lot better since my son turned 3. He is very chatty and suddenly were not just 'killing time' at the weekend, but actively doing stuff that we all enjoy. He seems way more like a member of the family and we all rub along a lot better.
What's also helped me is having regular nights away with friends, maybe once every three months or something. I look forward to it so much!
It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all, or if you are, then I am too. It's a big shift to go from professional person, and all of that, to essentially passing time of day playing Lego and wandering around a playground. There's a reason dads do it less often- it's damn boring!

Sorry to hear you are struggling op. It sounds like you need a break to recover from your current medical illness and recharge.

I have a primary aged ds and a pre-schooler. I think the pre-school years are the hardest (that's just my opinion, others may disagree).

Your username suggests you had issues with your mother. I definitely had issues with mine and I have trauma as a result. This impacts the way I parent - sometimes to my detriment and I sometimes set myself impossible standards and become easily shrouded in guilt. I also have a child with SEN and parenting can become intense.

I have a small fledgling business which enables me to be creative and I have to confess I think about my business probably more than I ought to as a diversion from having to deal constantly with the challenges of parenting especially in relating to SEN.

I don't have much emotional support in real life. I think someone mentioned this up-thread. My husband is good practically and I am thankful for that but not much emotional support provided. I find I need lots of time to try and re-charge and be kind to myself. Two hours is about my limit when I feel I need time to myself again. I do activities with the children - baking, park, reading stories etc. but I have to do this in relatively short bursts as my energy (and being present) seems to fade. I suspect I have entered the peri-menopause and this isn't helping matters either as I seem to crave more alone time than ever.

I'm watching this thread with interest.

Just remember that you are a “good enough” mum. In time she will be a little older and much easier and more fun to be with. So just get through this bit, make sure she’s loved and everything will be fine.

Wow, thank you for all of the replies and kindness. Lots to reflect on. Am exhausted but will try and respond properly tomorrow.